New Theory:
Patriots deliver woefully underinflated balls to refs pre-game, along with a note that says, "plz inflate to 12.5 psi. love you! xoxo" Ref says, "love you too, Billy. We'd love to make the balls exactly like Tommy likes them. Fantastic texture on these balls, by the way. I'm sure this took a lot of rubbing."
The Refs pump up the balls like they always do. The game proceeds, someone complains, refs have to check the balls. Because the balls were cold, they inadvertently discover the phenomenon colloquially known as shrinkage when they note that the pressure now reads 11.5 PSI. Balls are either replaced or re inflated, and the game continues.
After the game, someone mentions to Kravitz that the balls at halftime were 11.5 PSI. Kravitz says, "HOLY CWAP! Andy Lucky told me once that balls are suppoda be 13.5!!!!1!!one! This is ####### huge! I'm gonna get me a pulitzah yet!" (yes, in my head Kravitz has a weird accent and yells alot). So, after two or three scotches, he pounds away furiously at his keyboard, writing the Pats balls were 2 psi low.
The internet explodes, salty haters start doing science, salty homers start doing science, salty science is all of a sudden all over everywhere and we all get a nice lesson in the Ideal Gas Law, we are all reminded that absolute pressure <> gauge pressure, and we get a nice refresher in Kelvin temperature.
The NFL launches their investigation, but apparently the lead investigator is Barney Fife, working closely with Chief Wiggum. They do about 40 interviews, and reviewing a ton of security footage.
Later, Florio hears the balls are 11.5 PSI, and he corrects the record that it was actually one PSI, not two. The internet explodes again, salty haters do more science, salty homers do their science, salty videos are made, Belichick talks, Brady talks, and the salty homers start doing victory laps, high-fiving and ###-slapping each other as they go round and round.
Fife and Wiggum get pissed off that their gravy train is about to come to an end and they will have to go back to doing real work instead of cushy NFL mall-cop stuff. So, they leak that they have video of a ball boy sneaking into a room with the game balls. Salty haters rejoice, salty homers begin to cower again. More salty science is done, and more salty videos are made. There's sooo much salt. Salt just covering everything by now... like way more than 2 oz of salt.
Now, we find out that the refs didn't write anything down. So, the salty homers resume victory laps, high-fiving and ###-slapping the whole way.
I predict we haven't seen the end of this saga. There's still plenty of salt left in the shaker. The superbowl is certain to bring lots more salt, regardless of what happens in the game. Refs will now be forced to serialize each ball and record exact pressure gauges using a Swedish made ball pump, and they won't like that. They will probably blame their old flames Billy and Tommy, and all of the salty homers are sure to lament and gnash any flag thrown in the superbowl, and all of the salty homers will be quick to assume any dropped pass and/or fumble was a result of properly inflated balls. After all of that, the Fife and Wiggum report will be issued, and thats when the real salt comes out.
salt.
balls.
salty balls.