Sister and BF were together for about a year. Guy was your classic thrill seeker who would bring gifts to every family dinner, always boozing up, loud, vocal, life of the party. Had everybody but my wife snowed (she hated and distrusted him the second she met him). They went to Utah/Nevada to race his motorcycle on the Salt Flats, wanted to go 200 on his Ducati. Stayed at a casino resort in some podunk Nevada town and spent the days by the pool drinking. At one point, they go into the town to grab a pizza, both loaded. An argument ensues over the pizza and at one point, he shoves my sister back into the car. An off-duty cop saw this, radioed it in and when they left, cops pulled them over, arrested him for DUI and Domestic Battery. That was 2013.
Sister never said anything about it. Her ex-husband (who is still a friend of mine) did a little snooping and informed me about the arrest as it was on teh googles. Asked if we knew and of course we didn't. I searched the net, found the arrest report and told my parents. My mother asked my sister about it and she came unglued. Called me yelling and cursing saying I didn't know crap and how dare I betray her, blah blah blah. Told my folks we needed to try and talk to her, but my mom sided with her and so my sister and this POS stayed together. I avoided them for months. Now, for those of you who say you would have kicked this guy's butt, let me stop you here and say you wouldn't. He's a large man with a violent past, possesses many guns, knives, is mentally unstable, fights at the drop of the hat and would have not only beaten me to a pulp, but laughed as he did it. Sister downplayed the whole thing and stuck by her man.
Fast forward to later in the year, there's a family dinner, he's there, on his best behavior and we had a sit down conversation that essentially was me pleading with him not to harm my sister; that he too had sisters and should know better. He apologized profusely, said I was right, vowed never to harm her, that he was no threat, that the Nevada police had nothing better to do....guy was always kissing my butt and ensuring me things were alright.
During the year, weird things happen....my sister's iPhone is thrown across the room and smashed. Her windshield is smashed. She breaks off ties with all her old friends. Neither of them are working; staying home all day drinking and watching movies. They finally break up, we cheer, then they get back together. Facing eviction, they both move into my parents house. He pretends to get a high paying job at a car dealership, he pretends to go to work, my parents are suspicious, another fight erupts between sister and parents, they leave for a motel, it's a disaster. Finally, he comes clean and says he doesn't have a job, can't find work, is embarrassed....they break up AGAIN. Sister finds a house to rent, is now working again, getting her life back in order.
And then, she takes him back AGAIN. At this point, I'm done with her. The third time she takes him back is when he violently erupts for the last time. Small fight augments to a larger fight which leads to him throwing my sister against a wall, ripping off her necklace and choking her. She fights him off, screams at him to leave, a neighbor friend hears it, calls the cops and he is arrested. Restraining order obtained, charges pressed, guy pleads guilty, gets no jail time but does get probation, can't come near her but still, it's a piece of paper. She lives in fear every day.
So my interactions? Outside of pleading with him not to harm her and having him promise he'd be nice, I really don't have any. My sister never broadcast the abuse she suffered and stuck up for him until she finally went to the police. I haven't seen him since. I'm sure I will see him; it's a small world. But again, I'm not kicking his asssss, not at my age and not against a guy who is much larger and more dangerous.
If there's any takeaway in this long diatribe it is that you need to understand victim mentality. It is very likely that the mother and daughter will stand up for this POS and it sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. But now they know you know and perhaps they will understand they have an advocate on their behalf. Be patient, listen to them as best you can and try not to interject too much on what you'd do or how they should proceed because it is a complex, complicated situation that can be very frustrating for those on the outside looking in.
