So hungover this morning I accidently wore two different shoes (1 Viewer)

[CurlyNight]

I don't recall much of. I'm sorry to anyone I lashed out at that didn't deserve it.

Seems you are sober now so I believe you are sorry. But if you keep doing it, you can't keep throwing the alcoholism excuse out there and say sorry the next day every time. Eventually the person is going to get fed up, and you just lost someone who cares. I'm talking about those who have given their time and great advice. You give a million excuses why you can't get out the door. I can understand the difficulty of that as I've had times like that during my cancer #### but you have to force yourself. Or get a buddy to come over and go with that person. Something. Sitting at home saying I can't won't change a thing. Do you understand this?

 

[McGarnicle]

Who would have thought me and McGarnicle had anything in common. We used to hate eachother and argue incessantly on here.

Well, I don't hate him anymore. Can't speak for him.

I don't hate you. I try not to hate anyone, it's not healthy. I kind of cringe when I think of the battles I've had with people on a stupid message board, especially over Trump. Such a waste of energy.

I know when I was in your position there was nothing anyone could say to get me to turn things around for myself. Eventually I realized I didn't have the guts to kill myself, and I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I used to get pissed off every morning when I woke up, because I was still alive. Think about that -- I wasn't pissed because I had to go to work or go grocery shopping or go to the DMV, I was pissed that I had to keep living my life. Then I started having pain in my liver and my doctor said I had to stop drinking. And at that point I had ballooned up to 280lbs.

So I was too gutless to kill myself and I didn't want to have a long suffering death from liver disease, so I just quit drinking cold turkey. Then started walking every night after work, at first just a quarter mile because that's all I could do, but pretty soon I was hooked on it because the pounds melted off and I felt unbelieveably clear-headed, energetic and just happier and more optimistic. I quit smoking around the same time. I gave up fast food and made myself grilled chicken salads every night, and was walking 2, 3 miles most nights. On the weekends I'd hike Stone Mountain or Kennesaw Mountain. Women started noticing me and that became my new addiction. I banged ridiculous numbers of women. That wasn't exactly healthy either, probably just substituted one addiction for another, but obviously sex is a hell of a lot healthier than binge drinking. 

So it's like someone else said in here before -- it's all about getting momentum headed in the other direction, starting with small changes. But you have to be ready.

 

[RokNRole]

Seems you are sober now so I believe you are sorry. But if you keep doing it, you can't keep throwing the alcoholism excuse out there and say sorry the next day every time. Eventually the person is going to get fed up, and you just lost someone who cares. I'm talking about those who have given their time and great advice. You give a million excuses why you can't get out the door. I can understand the difficulty of that as I've had times like that during my cancer #### but you have to force yourself. Or get a buddy to come over and go with that person. Something. Sitting at home saying I can't won't change a thing. Do you understand this?

Yes. If I continue to act that way and they turn away from me I don't blame them.

Unfortunately I don't have a buddy to go with me. A couple months ago I was contacted by a guy on CL that responded to an ad for some music equipment I was trying to sell. We haven't met yet but we have had a few phone conversations and text almost every day. We have been planning to hang out. He invited me to play rugby, which I am interested in but had to decline because I don't have health insurance i will certainly get injured playing rugby.

He recently got busted for his second DUI. The case isn't finished yet but he has a good lawyer through his union and he's probably only a year of probation where he will have to attend recovery meetings and will be restricted from drinking. I told him about my drinking problems and suggested he buy a bike and we go on rides to get back in shape and find other activities that don't involve drinking. He's going to keep it in mind. If he does have to attend AA meetings as part of his probation I will go with him, if it's ok with him.

 

[RokNRole]

I don't hate you. I try not to hate anyone, it's not healthy. I kind of cringe when I think of the battles I've had with people on a stupid message board, especially over Trump. Such a waste of energy.

I know when I was in your position there was nothing anyone could say to get me to turn things around for myself. Eventually I realized I didn't have the guts to kill myself, and I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I used to get pissed off every morning when I woke up, because I was still alive. Think about that -- I wasn't pissed because I had to go to work or go grocery shopping or go to the DMV, I was pissed that I had to keep living my life. Then I started having pain in my liver and my doctor said I had to stop drinking. And at that point I had ballooned up to 280lbs.

So I was too gutless to kill myself and I didn't want to have a long suffering death from liver disease, so I just quit drinking cold turkey. Then started walking every night after work, at first just a quarter mile because that's all I could do, but pretty soon I was hooked on it because the pounds melted off and I felt unbelieveably clear-headed, energetic and just happier and more optimistic. I quit smoking around the same time. I gave up fast food and made myself grilled chicken salads every night, and was walking 2, 3 miles most nights. On the weekends I'd hike Stone Mountain or Kennesaw Mountain. Women started noticing me and that became my new addiction. I banged ridiculous numbers of women. That wasn't exactly healthy either, probably just substituted one addiction for another, but obviously sex is a hell of a lot healthier than binge drinking. 

So it's like someone else said in here before -- it's all about getting momentum headed in the other direction, starting with small changes. But you have to be ready.

I feel the same way when I wake up every morning. How much weight have you lost?

 

[RokNRole]

I don't hate you. I try not to hate anyone, it's not healthy. I kind of cringe when I think of the battles I've had with people on a stupid message board, especially over Trump. Such a waste of energy.

I know when I was in your position there was nothing anyone could say to get me to turn things around for myself. Eventually I realized I didn't have the guts to kill myself, and I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I used to get pissed off every morning when I woke up, because I was still alive. Think about that -- I wasn't pissed because I had to go to work or go grocery shopping or go to the DMV, I was pissed that I had to keep living my life. Then I started having pain in my liver and my doctor said I had to stop drinking. And at that point I had ballooned up to 280lbs.

So I was too gutless to kill myself and I didn't want to have a long suffering death from liver disease, so I just quit drinking cold turkey. Then started walking every night after work, at first just a quarter mile because that's all I could do, but pretty soon I was hooked on it because the pounds melted off and I felt unbelieveably clear-headed, energetic and just happier and more optimistic. I quit smoking around the same time. I gave up fast food and made myself grilled chicken salads every night, and was walking 2, 3 miles most nights. On the weekends I'd hike Stone Mountain or Kennesaw Mountain. Women started noticing me and that became my new addiction. I banged ridiculous numbers of women. That wasn't exactly healthy either, probably just substituted one addiction for another, but obviously sex is a hell of a lot healthier than binge drinking. 

So it's like someone else said in here before -- it's all about getting momentum headed in the other direction, starting with small changes. But you have to be ready.

https://goo.gl/images/rehrti

 

[Evilgrin 72]

In my current state, he is right. It was not my intention to waste anyone time or effort. I haven't just glossed over the information presented. It's in my head and I'm thinking about it. I'm just having a hard time even getting out of bed in the morning that going to clinics and meetings just seems impossible right.

I apologize to anyone that feels like I wasted their time. I don't yet know where this story ends so in the end you may not have wasted the effort. I'm sure everyone here knows what it's like to be depressed from time to time due to various factors but I don't think most know what it's like to be clinically depressed and manic for well over 2 decades. It's crippling. Dusting myself off and attending a therapy session with strangers is a very tall order that I'm just not able to complete right now.

Just wanting something doesn't give you the strength to do it. Just because you realize you have a problem and want to change it doesn't mean a switch goes off that gives you the confidence to do it. At least not right away.

I hear you. Just so you know, my post wasn't meant as some kind of resignation, just an acknowledgement of what you say above. I pretty much stopped trying to give practical advice because you know what you need to do at this point.

 

[CurlyNight]

Yes. If I continue to act that way and they turn away from me I don't blame them.

Unfortunately I don't have a buddy to go with me. A couple months ago I was contacted by a guy on CL that responded to an ad for some music equipment I was trying to sell. We haven't met yet but we have had a few phone conversations and text almost every day. We have been planning to hang out. He invited me to play rugby, which I am interested in but had to decline because I don't have health insurance i will certainly get injured playing rugby.

He recently got busted for his second DUI. The case isn't finished yet but he has a good lawyer through his union and he's probably only a year of probation where he will have to attend recovery meetings and will be restricted from drinking. I told him about my drinking problems and suggested he buy a bike and we go on rides to get back in shape and find other activities that don't involve drinking. He's going to keep it in mind. If he does have to attend AA meetings as part of his probation I will go with him, if it's ok with him.

I am glad to see this.... but no jumping for joy from me until you actual do what you are saying: go to AA with him, go ride bikes/do healthy fun stuff with this guy. Once you get the momentum going of getting out, you start to become used to it. The more you get out the less you will want to just sit home alone. So great you seem to have found a friend, and you have something in common to work on so you both can turn your lives around. What greater goal is there than that? Once you straighten up, you'll become an even better writer, artist, person... So surprise us and take a step to becoming a healthier and happier person.

 

[Osaurus]

Who would have thought me and McGarnicle had anything in common. We used to hate eachother and argue incessantly on here.

Well, I don't hate him anymore. Can't speak for him.

Every outcome is not the same.

 

[Evilgrin 72]

35 hours is a full time job in Europe. The US is backwards.

A fact that people in Germany seemed almost over-eager to point out/discuss with me. I didn't argue with them.

 

[RokNRole]

I am glad to see this.... but no jumping for joy from me until you actual do what you are saying: go to AA with him, go ride bikes/do healthy fun stuff with this guy. Once you get the momentum going of getting out, you start to become used to it. The more you get out the less you will want to just sit home alone. So great you seem to have found a friend, and you have something in common to work on so you both can turn your lives around. What greater goal is there than that? Once you straighten up, you'll become an even better writer, artist, person... So surprise us and take a step to becoming a healthier and happier person.

I hope he doesn't get jail time.

He has invited me out several times to drink with him and his buddies, which seems like all they do besides rugby. I declined each time because I know I'm just not fun to hang out with at this current time and I don't want a potential new group of friends to get the wrong first impression of me. I also don't want to drink in public and potentially make a fool of myself.

 

[RokNRole]

A fact that people in Germany seemed almost over-eager to point out/discuss with me. I didn't argue with them.

Because you agree or just didn't feel like argueing?

 

[RokNRole]

Every outcome is not the same.

Not sure what you mean.

 

[Evilgrin 72]

I hope he doesn't get jail time.

He has invited me out several times to drink with him and his buddies, which seems like all they do besides rugby. I declined each time because I know I'm just not fun to hang out with at this current time and I don't want a potential new group of friends to get the wrong first impression of me. I also don't want to drink in public and potentially make a fool of myself.

Rugby and beer drinking go together like peanut butter and jelly.

 

[Evilgrin 72]

Because you agree or just didn't feel like argueing?

Because I agree wholeheartedly.

 

[RokNRole]

Rugby and beer drinking go together like peanut butter and jelly.

Probably not the best clique for me to start socializing with right now

 

[McGarnicle]

I feel the same way when I wake up every morning. How much weight have you lost?

I lost 60lbs, kept it off until I got married, then eventually crept back up into the 270's. It's harder to lose weight as you get older. I switched to a keto diet and I'm down about 40lbs this year and still losing gradually every week.

The pattern my whole life has been bad habits --> feel like crap --> health issues --> healthy changes --> feel better --> I look & feel so good now I can cheat --> rinse & repeat. There seems to be a low point that becomes unacceptable and kicks my ### into action. 

Best thing to happen recently was discovering disc golf. If you can find a physical activity to become passionate about, that's a major, major help. 

 

[Evilgrin 72]

Probably not the best clique for me to start socializing with right now

Agreed.

 

[RokNRole]

I lost 60lbs, kept it off until I got married, then eventually crept back up into the 270's. It's harder to lose weight as you get older. I switched to a keto diet and I'm down about 40lbs this year and still losing gradually every week.

The pattern my whole life has been bad habits --> feel like crap --> health issues --> healthy changes --> feel better --> I look & feel so good now I can cheat --> rinse & repeat. There seems to be a low point that becomes unacceptable and kicks my ### into action. 

Best thing to happen recently was discovering disc golf. If you can find a physical activity to become passionate about, that's a major, major help. 

Frolf?

 

[RokNRole]

Agreed.

If he's court ordered to stay sober he will have to distance himself from those guys and maybe him and I will start doing different things together.

 

[Evilgrin 72]

I lost 60lbs, kept it off until I got married, then eventually crept back up into the 270's. It's harder to lose weight as you get older. I switched to a keto diet and I'm down about 40lbs this year and still losing gradually every week.

The pattern my whole life has been bad habits --> feel like crap --> health issues --> healthy changes --> feel better --> I look & feel so good now I can cheat --> rinse & repeat. There seems to be a low point that becomes unacceptable and kicks my ### into action. 

Best thing to happen recently was discovering disc golf. If you can find a physical activity to become passionate about, that's a major, major help. 

So true. I'm never going to jog or go to the gym because I find both to be excruciatingly boring. I do enjoy biking and swimming though, so I do the former in the winter when it's mild and the latter in summer when it's boiling out.

 

[Evilgrin 72]

Frolf?

He frolfs, he scores!

 

[RokNRole]

He frolfs, he scores!

Well it is the summer of George

 

[Nugget]

I understand attending a meeting or counseling may be overwhelming.  Can you just not buy any alcohol today?  That would be a great start.

 

[McGarnicle]

Every outcome is not the same.

This is true. I was fortunate in two ways -- I have a big support system (parents & extended family), and I was never clinically depressed. Take away the booze and add exercise and I'm extremely happy and optimistic by nature. I rarely even have what I would consider a bad day. I don't know if Rok is dealing with actual depression or just the effects of alcoholism. If he can just quit drinking and make some easy lifestyle changes and then feels better, then that's a huge advantage.

I can only say that the things he posts feel eerily similar to what I went through. I hope he's not dealing with true depression on top of everything else.

 

[RokNRole]

I understand attending a meeting or counseling may be overwhelming.  Can you just not buy any alcohol today?  That would be a great start.

Idk. I'm currently contemplating that. I make it through a day here and there. I haven't made it two days in a row in a while. I'm like 50/50 now if I'm going to buy any beer.

 

[RokNRole]

This is true. I was fortunate in two ways -- I have a big support system (parents & extended family), and I was never clinically depressed. Take away the booze and add exercise and I'm extremely happy and optimistic by nature. I rarely even have what I would consider a bad day. I don't know if Rok is dealing with actual depression or just the effects of alcoholism. If he can just quit drinking and make some easy lifestyle changes and then feels better, then that's a huge advantage.

I can only say that the things he posts feel eerily similar to what I went through. I hope he's not dealing with true depression on top of everything else.

I've depressed for the majority of my life. Since puberty. I didn't always drink heavily. There have been spans of months to sometimes nearly a year where I didn't drink although I usually couldn't afford it at those times. Idk. I don't like how drinking makes me feel. I'm usually just bored every night to I drink so I can feel a buzz for a few hours and play video games.

 

[McGarnicle]

Frolf?

Only sport I can say I've ever been good at. You would laugh your ### off if you watched me play baseball or especially basketball. But I always loved throwing frisbees. 

 

[Hawks64]

You think nobody should speak to me at all?

So this can go a few different ways. Lots of look at me posters around here. Some have learned and grown up, some have not.

@Woz was about the most divisive poster around for a while with all of his look at me schtick. He took hell for it, he grew up over time and actually is a solid poster and from all appearances an incredibly great guy. @timschochet is another one for albeit another reason altogether, but also changed his behavior to the point that he's no longer nearly as polarizing.

Lhucks, MOP and countless others are the opposite approach to this. Countless bans, alias bans and ultimately permabanned.

Pick your approach, you have the ability to change your behavior. No one else does.

 

[McGarnicle]

I've depressed for the majority of my life. Since puberty. I didn't always drink heavily. There have been spans of months to sometimes nearly a year where I didn't drink although I usually couldn't afford it at those times. Idk. I don't like how drinking makes me feel. I'm usually just bored every night to I drink so I can feel a buzz for a few hours and play video games.

That sucks. 

This is not going to be easy. Bottom line is at some point you're going to reach a decision point of whether you want to live or die. You're talking about it here, and at least contemplating some positive steps, so that's good. 

One of my biggest obstacles was my perfectionism and being too hard on myself. Classic traits for children of alcoholics. Over the years I've realized I'm just kind of screwed up, and I've mellowed out with the crazy high expectations and the self-criticism, while still holding myself accountable for my actions. Mostly just trial & error and growing up. Best thing about my 40's is no longer feeling the weight of childhood traumas. I can truly say that stuff is in the past and the slate is clean. Everything that happens is up to me how. Your 20's & 30's can be a pain in the ### when you're still carrying that stuff around.

 

[RokNRole]

About a week ago I decided to at least restrict my drinking. I usually have 10-12 beers a night. This week when I've gone to the store I've bought no more than 8 and I won't go back out once I'm drunk. If 8 isn't enough and I want more I take a shower and wank off to distract myself, which since I'm drunk takes a while or is impossible altogether. After about 20-30 minutes I finish or give up and go to bed.

 

[McGarnicle]

About a week ago I decided to at least restrict my drinking. I usually have 10-12 beers a night. This week when I've gone to the store I've bought no more than 8 and I won't go back out once I'm drunk. If 8 isn't enough and I want more I take a shower and wank off to distract myself, which since I'm drunk takes a while or is impossible altogether. After about 20-30 minutes I finish or give up and go to bed.

I'm sure you know on some level that the above is a load of crap. Maybe you're not ready to quit yet, but the bargaining with yourself about only drinking so much per night, or only drinking on weekends, sticking to beer only, it's all garbage. I mean, maybe 8 beers is doing marginally less damage to your liver & kidneys than 12, but you're not solving anything. And you probably also know that one random night you're going to decide 8 wasn't enough and you'll drive drunk again to buy more. 

You're not ready to quit yet, okay, whatever. But self-delusion is for chumps. You're obviously smarter than that.

 

[Dedfin]

I know for a fact that Bukowski didn't sit on the internet whining to other people about his crappy life.  Get to work, genius.

 

[RokNRole]

I'm sure you know on some level that the above is a load of crap. Maybe you're not ready to quit yet, but the bargaining with yourself about only drinking so much per night, or only drinking on weekends, sticking to beer only, it's all garbage. I mean, maybe 8 beers is doing marginally less damage to your liver & kidneys than 12, but you're not solving anything. And you probably also know that one random night you're going to decide 8 wasn't enough and you'll drive drunk again to buy more. 

You're not ready to quit yet, okay, whatever. But self-delusion is for chumps. You're obviously smarter than that.

I wasn't deluding myself I just felt like it was a small step in the right direction. Surely something small is better than nothing isn't it?

 

[RokNRole]

I know for a fact that Bukowski didn't sit on the internet whining to other people about his crappy life.  Get to work, genius.

Whom?

 

[RokNRole]

I looked up Bukowski. I'm sure he didn't whine on the internet since he died in 94 at the age of 73

 

[Evilgrin 72]

I looked up Bukowski. I'm sure he didn't whine on the internet since he died in 94 at the age of 73

Check one of his books out of the library. I think you'd really enjoy his stuff,  I sure do. Ham on Rye, Women, Post Office, Tales of Ordinary Madness.

 

[RokNRole]

Check one of his books out of the library. I think you'd really enjoy his stuff,  I sure do. Ham on Rye, Women, Post Office, Tales of Ordinary Madness.

What about confessions of a dirty old man?

Im reading his biography on wiki and it sounds like I could relate to him. I have been wanting to read more.

 

[McGarnicle]

I wasn't deluding myself I just felt like it was a small step in the right direction. Surely something small is better than nothing isn't it?

I read about something a long time ago that I agree with called the addictive voice. People characterize addiction in different ways -- it's a disease, it's a demon, it's this "thing" inhabiting you that you're fighting against, whatever. I do believe that it takes over your mind and tells you things that are absolute BS so that you'll keep drinking. Cutting down maybe feels like progress but it's a band aid and not a long-term solution. It does NOT lead to stopping, at least in my experience. You don't go from 8 to 4 and then 2 and then zero. Hopefully you have that moment where you pour it all down the sink and decide you're done. The night before that, you could've had 5 or 50 drinks. When you're done, you're done.

If you're not ready to quit yet and you're able to limit yourself to "only" 8 beers a night, that's wonderful. But you know you're not really solving anything by doing that.

 

[RokNRole]

I read about something a long time ago that I agree with called the addictive voice. People characterize addiction in different ways -- it's a disease, it's a demon, it's this "thing" inhabiting you that you're fighting against, whatever. I do believe that it takes over your mind and tells you things that are absolute BS so that you'll keep drinking. Cutting down maybe feels like progress but it's a band aid and not a long-term solution. It does NOT lead to stopping, at least in my experience. You don't go from 8 to 4 and then 2 and then zero. Hopefully you have that moment where you pour it all down the sink and decide you're done. The night before that, you could've had 5 or 50 drinks. When you're done, you're done.

If you're not ready to quit yet and you're able to limit yourself to "only" 8 beers a night, that's wonderful. But you know you're not really solving anything by doing that.

I didn't think I was solving anything nor do I have any desires to convince myself I'm ok or have legitimate reasons to drink. I know very well I don't have a good reason to drink at all and I'm wasting valuable time and ability, which in and of itself depresses me more. I'm not entirely convinced alcohol is the real problem here. It's just what's available to me. If I had a bundle of heroin or a bag of coke I would do that too without giving it a second thought. I'm not even convinced substances are the real problem because I was able to quit those cold turkey several times after extended periods of heavy use.

I know the biggest issue is loneliness and feeling like I'll never be loved. By this point in my life I wanted a family and career. I had the career for a while but I never met the right woman and now I feel like it's too late and I'll never know what it's like to be a loving, providing husband and father. That's always been my vision of a real man and I feel like I'm the opposite of a man. Zero confidence.

 

[Evilgrin 72]

What about confessions of a dirty old man?

Im reading his biography on wiki and it sounds like I could relate to him. I have been wanting to read more.

I don't own that one but I'm sure I've read it at some point. I'm pretty sure I've read everything he ever wrote. Bukowski, Thompson, and A.C. Doyle are the three authors that I don't think ever wrote a word I haven't read. Stephen King, I could have said the same about at one point but he's too prolific and I don't read like I used to.

 

[Evilgrin 72]

I didn't think I was solving anything nor do I have any desires to convince myself I'm ok or have legitimate reasons to drink. I know very well I don't have a good reason to drink at all and I'm wasting valuable time and ability, which in and of itself depresses me more. I'm not entirely convinced alcohol is the real problem here. It's just what's available to me. If I had a bundle of heroin or a bag of coke I would do that too without giving it a second thought. I'm not even convinced substances are the real problem because I was able to quit those cold turkey several times after extended periods of heavy use.

I know the biggest issue is loneliness and feeling like I'll never be loved. By this point in my life I wanted a family and career. I had the career for a while but I never met the right woman and now I feel like it's too late and I'll never know what it's like to be a loving, providing husband and father. That's always been my vision of a real man and I feel like I'm the opposite of a man. Zero confidence.

It's definitely not too late. You're still relatively young. I was older than you are before I got married. My kid brother hadn't even met his wife when he was your age and now he's a husband and father. You definitely need to sort out your issues but too late? HELL no.

 

[McGarnicle]

I didn't think I was solving anything nor do I have any desires to convince myself I'm ok or have legitimate reasons to drink. I know very well I don't have a good reason to drink at all and I'm wasting valuable time and ability, which in and of itself depresses me more. I'm not entirely convinced alcohol is the real problem here. It's just what's available to me. If I had a bundle of heroin or a bag of coke I would do that too without giving it a second thought. I'm not even convinced substances are the real problem because I was able to quit those cold turkey several times after extended periods of heavy use.

I know the biggest issue is loneliness and feeling like I'll never be loved. By this point in my life I wanted a family and career. I had the career for a while but I never met the right woman and now I feel like it's too late and I'll never know what it's like to be a loving, providing husband and father. That's always been my vision of a real man and I feel like I'm the opposite of a man. Zero confidence.

Yeah I was the same way, couldn't even make eye contact with women. Recall in my story that the first step in turning it around was quitting alcohol. 

Thinking you'll never be loved -- hmm, there are tons of fatties and nutjobs you could find right now who would love you, so that's not really the issue. You want quality, right? But you're not quality right now, and you know it. Hell you already know all the stuff I'm telling you is true. You know nothing changes until you stop drinking. If you want a wife, stop drinking. If you want to make friends, stop drinking. If you want to feel less depressed, stop drinking. You know it's true. 

 

[RokNRole]

It's definitely not too late. You're still relatively young. I was older than you are before I got married. My kid brother hadn't even met his wife when he was your age and now he's a husband and father. You definitely need to sort out your issues but too late? HELL no.

It feels like it's too late because I don't think I'll attract a young women I can have children with. I no longer have a career and I'm not a viable option for a woman as a provider. When I did I attracted a lot of women. The relationships didn't work out for various reasons but it felt good attracting so many women and getting laid so easily. I knew it wasn't entirely because of who I was, that being financially stable was a big factor. I wasn't entirely satisfied knowing that but I figured it's the way of the world and I put it out of my mind as best I could.

The only person that loves me is my ex ( ex, not ex, don't really know where we stand yet) but she's 12 years my senior so children is not a possibility without taking a huge risk of birth defects. That's not a risk I'm willing to take. I couldn't live with the guilt of a child with birth defects knowing I didn't have to even take the chance. I can't imagine finding another person like her that will love me for who I am, faults and all. I wouldn't be entirely happy with her because we can't have children, and she knows that. But it might be the best someone like me can get.

 

[RokNRole]

Yeah I was the same way, couldn't even make eye contact with women. Recall in my story that the first step in turning it around was quitting alcohol. 

Thinking you'll never be loved -- hmm, there are tons of fatties and nutjobs you could find right now who would love you, so that's not really the issue. You want quality, right? But you're not quality right now, and you know it. Hell you already know all the stuff I'm telling you is true. You know nothing changes until you stop drinking. If you want a wife, stop drinking. If you want to make friends, stop drinking. If you want to feel less depressed, stop drinking. You know it's true. 

Plenty of fatties and nutjobs have loved me. I don't want that. Too risky.

Im aware I'm not quality right now either. But even when I didn't drink I wasn't quality because of my other issues. I can't envision ever being quality.

 

[Dedfin]

Check one of his books out of the library. I think you'd really enjoy his stuff,  I sure do. Ham on Rye, Women, Post Office, Tales of Ordinary Madness.

Post Office first imo

 

[RokNRole]

Post Office first imo

Why do you recommend that first?

 

[McGarnicle]

Plenty of fatties and nutjobs have loved me. I don't want that. Too risky.

Im aware I'm not quality right now either. But even when I didn't drink I wasn't quality because of my other issues. I can't envision ever being quality.

You can always improve.

 

[-OZ-]

It feels like it's too late because I don't think I'll attract a young women I can have children with. I no longer have a career and I'm not a viable option for a woman as a provider. When I did I attracted a lot of women. The relationships didn't work out for various reasons but it felt good attracting so many women and getting laid so easily. I knew it wasn't entirely because of who I was, that being financially stable was a big factor. I wasn't entirely satisfied knowing that but I figured it's the way of the world and I put it out of my mind as best I could.

The only person that loves me is my ex ( ex, not ex, don't really know where we stand yet) but she's 12 years my senior so children is not a possibility without taking a huge risk of birth defects. That's not a risk I'm willing to take. I couldn't live with the guilt of a child with birth defects knowing I didn't have to even take the chance. I can't imagine finding another person like her that will love me for who I am, faults and all. I wouldn't be entirely happy with her because we can't have children, and she knows that. But it might be the best someone like me can get.

If you got your #### together, adoption can become an option.

 

[RokNRole]

Chapter 1: My mother

Im going to display as much brevity as possible.

My mother wasn't a prostitute in the traditional sense, as far as I knew. She never had a job until I was 15 and supported us by being the mistress of several married men. The first was a guy named Howard. I don't know how old he was but he must have been close to or at least 60 when I was young, so he was twice my mothers age. He was pretty well off. He did something with real estate and lived in upstate NY or Connecticut. I don't remember which.

Every few months he would come down to NYC, probably under the guise of a business trip and see my mother. Sometimes they would stay at a hotel for a few days, sometimes he would stay with us. I was young and only knew him at the time as a friend of my mother. After these rendezvous she always had a bundle of cash. When she got back we would go food, clothes and toy shopping and things went well for a few weeks. Those were the few times she didn't drink. I don't think she ever let him know how much she drank. As I got a little older I would go in to her purse after she saw him and she would have a stack of $100 dollar bills. I would take $100 or $200 and usually buy video games. She never noticed any money was missing but I was always very paranoid she would find out I was stealing from her. I would unscrew a VHS tape in my room and hide the money in there and take it out as I needed it.

She would often be pretty messed up and say things like "Howard is your real father". Even young I knew that wasn't literal since i look exactly like my father but he was never around when I was a child so I guess that was her way of getting me to accept him even though I didn't know the true nature of the relationship until I was older.

In between the time she saw him she would drink heavily and go to local bars in the area and bring home very sleazy men. Usually bikers or weirdos. The kind of man no woman should expose her children too. Sometimes 3-4 different guys a week. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment. My sister and I shared the bedroom and my mothers bedroom was the living room. 

More than a few few times I came out of my room to use the bathroom or get a glass of water and walk in on my mother with these men. Sometimes just kissing, sometimes more. I would usually just get scared and run back in to my room and lock the door. If I had to pee I would pee in a plastic container. Sometimes on the floor and the next day I blamed it on the dog but she knew it was me that peed on the floor. 

Sometimes i I would be out late at the park and if I came home and heard from the hallway she was with someone I would leave and walk to my grandmothers house a few blocks away and sleep there.

This was the routine from the ages of 8-12. By the age of 12 I never heard about Howard or saw him until she told me he died when I was 15. She went off the rails for a few days just drinking and crying. At around 12-13 with Howard gone she started dating another married man for about a year. I don't remember his name but he was an old neighbor of ours and my sister and I used to play with his children outside our building at the time.

Eventually his wife found out and came by our house and argued with my mother. I was old enough to eavesdrop and figure out what was going on. When he stopped seeing her her drinking was the worst it ever was. Day after day she was wasted and would play Janes Addictions " Jane says " over and over loudly. 20-30 times in a row, for weeks,  until I eventually broke her stereo. I just smashed it on the ground and told her I never want to hear that song again. I can't even listen to it this day .

At that point I was bigger than her and guarded her like a hawk. If she brought beer in the house I would dump it down the drain while she screamed and hit me. I would lock her in her room until she sobered up. I stopped going to school because I would stay up til 2 or 3am until I was sure she was asleep. At this time we had a 3 bedroom apartment so I would just hook up my Xbox on the living room TV and sit outside her door. If she came out I would only let her go to the bathroom or kitchen but not out the front door. This went on for about a month until family members intervened and she started going to AA.

to be continued

 

[RokNRole]

If you got your #### together, adoption can become an option.

I don't want to adopt. I want my own biological child.