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Suicide (4 Viewers)
- Thread starter johnjohn
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jamny
Footballguy
Much better than what I have planned, which is nothing.
Try to enjoy yourself and see how great life can be. I'm sure you do realize but I hope it helps.
elguapo07
Footballguy
Johnnycakes, I hope that one day you can find some inner peace. Please surround yourself with loved ones as much as you can and hopefully you'll realize just how much you mean to them and how worthwhile your life really is. Please be vigilant in taking your meds and keeping up with appts.
The daily grind of life can be tough, I find that the simple pleasures in life can be some of the best medicine. A nice long walk with your wife can be relaxing. Listening to a favorite CD or just watching a game are some simple things that can subtly boost your spirits. There are a lot of things worth living for, find out who and what matters most to you and live for them.
Your life matters and is worth living, I hope someday you can realize that.
The daily grind of life can be tough, I find that the simple pleasures in life can be some of the best medicine. A nice long walk with your wife can be relaxing. Listening to a favorite CD or just watching a game are some simple things that can subtly boost your spirits. There are a lot of things worth living for, find out who and what matters most to you and live for them.
Your life matters and is worth living, I hope someday you can realize that.
Grace Under Pressure
Footballguy
That sounds like a great NYE celebration. Since you are a factual based poster, please allow these facts. You have a lot to live for and would be missed.
MikeIke
Footballguy
I'm glad you've had something to look forward to. That's certainly a better place than where you a week ago.
Jobber
Footballguy
This is good advice, I think. Simplify.
Mr. Know-It-All
Footballguy
Johnny, hopefully this is you It's A Wonderful Life Moment. I for one am grateful that your attempt did not succeed. For a reference point - I was in a similar place several years ago (not exact, I know, because we all have our own demons) - but had I "succeeded" I would not have seen my daughter get married last year, I would not be sharing in the joy of seeing my oldest son get married this year, my second oldest boy graduating HS this year, my third son starting his HS baseball adventure, and my youngest moving on up to middle school. At the time, I saw no hope - but it is sobering in perspective to see how much unrealized hope there was when I was at my lowest. On a side note, be happy you are not in Oma-freaking-ha, NE today it was minus 5 when I started the car this morning. Humans should not be subjected to these temps.
drfeelgood
Footballguy
That, and maybe some divine intervention. Generally people put instrument in their mouth so instrument has a better chance of staying in upon recoil. I guess someone isn't ready to greet him at the pearly gates yet.
I hope you get your meds straight, and life is better for you in 2015, JC.
Henry Ford
Footballguy
Johnny, many years ago I put a loaded gun in my mouth and it misfired. I don't believe in God, but I believe in an interconnectedness of living things - of a collective consciousness that defies understanding. When I finished crying and screaming about not being dead - which took a few days/weeks/months - and without having decided yet if I was okay with not being dead, I started a journey that I may never finish, in trying to find peace in my life, through that interconnectedness.
I wish you peace.
I wish you peace.
Joe Summer
Footballguy
JC, what does your doctor say about going out for New Year's Eve? Any concerns about stress or the meds still being out of whack?
cstu
Footballguy
Trying to wrap my head around also killing yourself but still looking forward to swing dancing until 2 am.
Doesn't seem like you have depression, what's really the problem?
johnnycakes
Footballguy
johnnycakes
Footballguy
You just don't get it... not your fault. The suicide attempt was a catharsis. A relief. Feel great, for now. Problems, in general terms, I think, were depression compounded with self-loathing. My wife and kids have forgiven me... the big challenge is to forgive myself.
johnnycakes
Footballguy
Yeah, in the weeks leading up to this I had commented to my wife that I felt totally useless 8-10 hours per day while at work. She correctly, and from a very spiritual perspective, pointed out that I was very useful... to them (my wife and kids). But it just didn't sink in.
I have to mull over this idea that I have to make myself believe I matter to myself... I never really thought of it that way. I have tons of life insurance and a big retirement account that is 100% vested... I was totally prepared to blow anyone out of the water who said my family depended upon me for financial reasons... heck, I'm worth more dead than alive from a financial perspective. Being worth more alive than dead for other than financial reasons is something I have to really learn to understand and accept.
johnnycakes
Footballguy
Amen, brother. In the words of Clint Eastwood from Gran Torino, "I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down."
I found her in China.... did you know that?
johnnycakes
Footballguy
An error occurredYou have reached your quota of positive votes for the day
Wish I had more "likes" to give out in one day. Thank you, Henry.
If I give you a hard time about being a lawyer or whatever.... I only do that with people I really like. And I really like you.
3C's
Footballguy
I remember that. Gotta admit that I'm a bit jealous, something about Asian women (FTR though my wife is hot and super sweet).
Henry Ford
Footballguy
3C's
Footballguy
I'm staying home, watching football and/or Animal House (kids never seen it). Beck wrote a song about me, something about loser.The guy who almost committed suicide has better NYE plans than me. Thats depressing.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Have you read the entire thread? He's posted about his issues before. If you think this is unbelievable then you clearly don't know what it's like with addiction and/or mental illness. I've seen such scenarios irl as I have a family full of mental illness who think they are fine and go off their meds. It is unbelievable until you experience it yourself with someone who is hurting bad. My advice to you is to err on the side of it being for real, even in your life if you hear such a thing. There is absolutely nothing worse than being called a schtick when it indeed it isn't. So if in doubt, I'd keep it to yourself, even on a message board.
JC: So glad it failed in time. I really wish you well and to please stay on your meds. It's crucial. Goodrx should help a lot. Each time you need a refill, check it out again. Prices change so your last pharmacy may not be the cheapest today and somewhere else is for today. Sacrifice something else in order to be able to get it. It really is as important to you as food and water in your survival. Best wishes and keep strong. Wishing you a great 2015. Take good care of yourself. xx
johnnycakes
Footballguy
The hell of it is... I can easily afford to pay for the meds out of pocket. I just didn't want to because I was also paying health insurance and I felt they should be paying the freight, not me. Penny wise and pound foolish. This is going to cost both me and BCBS a lot more than if I had just taken them as prescribed.
ETA: on the BCBS/meds issue. BCBS stopped paying for my meds in 2010. I complained to the MA Attorney General, who told me to contact the insurance division. I contacted the MA Division of Insurance back in 2010, and shortly thereafter BCBS resumed paying for the meds.
Suddenly, late October or early November 2014 when I went to pick up a refill, I was told BCBS was again declining payment. I guess my shrink had some kind of peer review problem with BCBS... not a licensing problem.. just a peer review thing. But I was not asking BCBS to pay for the psychotherapy... I was paying that out of pocket with no complaint. But I felt BCBS should be paying for the prescribed meds.
I filed another complaint with the MA Division of Insurance a few weeks ago... with the same guy who handled the case in 2010. So I know a real, live human who was familiar with my case was handling it. I was hopeful the whole thing would be resolved in short order, as it was in 2010. It was not.
Anyhow.
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CurlyNight
Footballguy
People with major depression can have times of being ok. It doesn't necessarily mean you are locked in a room under the covers unable to get out of bed in all cases. It's always there but it is a little better when you actually can find something to look forward to because that is far and few between. That's why you find during festivities that a severely depressed person can look like they are doing well but it could be for the moment. It's very easy to slide back when you have major depression. What many who aren't in the know don't get is there are different types of depression. Also with mental illness, not everything will always look logical good or bad. That's part of the issue with getting people to understand why it's so debilitating to this person, especially if they show signs of being "ok" and then going backwards. Which is why meds are crucial even if your feeling good. Believe me I know. I am basically my cousin's caregiver now, and she's 37. Please don't look for logic or question. It only makes that person feel worse.
johnnycakes
Footballguy
An error occurredYou have reached your quota of positive votes for the day
I just don't have the patience or the desire to argue with people like that. They are looking for rational thinking when it just isn't there.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Trust me I know. I deal with this still quite often with my cousin's family and mine. She was hospitalized in 2011 and they act like they are just hearing the facts. It's very painful for me too. I helped her with filling out her social security disability forms. She had to go in front of their doctors even though her medical records were clear her depression and severe anxiety are severe. 30% get approved on initial app. She did. Even that doesn't show anything to the fam. It really is tough since she's the only one in her fam/our extended fam that is dealing with this. If MI was so rational like physical issues are, then there would be a cure rather than just treatments.An error occurredYou have reached your quota of positive votes for the day
I just don't have the patience or the desire to argue with people like that. They are looking for rational thinking when it just isn't there.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Also JC I think if you decide to delete the post that you should keep it in your files somewhere. Keeping a diary so to speak of what you think/experience and also adding how you overcame it in the end could really help you sometime later on. I say keep the post up. No one knows you irl. And for those who are calling it a schtick and all, just feel bad for them that they don't get it and secretly hope another person in your shoes doesn't enter their lives..
We don't know if this thread will still be here say if the board crashes or whatnot so I would maybe copy this thread and keep it---- deleting the useless posts of course.
We don't know if this thread will still be here say if the board crashes or whatnot so I would maybe copy this thread and keep it---- deleting the useless posts of course.
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Mr. Know-It-All
Footballguy
Such great advice. Looking back at my journaling when I was going through things is a stark reminder of not just how low things got, but the climb out of that abyss.
http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/
You are even in Boston...I would strongly recommend you check this out. I guarantee it will change your life. No drugs, no nothing...
You are even in Boston...I would strongly recommend you check this out. I guarantee it will change your life. No drugs, no nothing...
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Spirituality is a great thing to have, however with clinical severe type mental illness, it's certainly not the end all help. He should check it out if he likes, but he needs to remain on meds and see his doctor on a regular basis. There is no substitute for medical attention in the end. I went through this with my cousin trying this and that and learned a lot the very hard way. And stopping her meds was not the right thing to do and I can't say if she's ever been the same as before she did. It's hard and hard on the family too. She's basically all I have and if I abandon guiding her and helping her, she'll be doomed. Meds help her from falling hard.
This has nothing to do with spirituality. Mindfullness and meditation has been shown again and again to change your dna for the better. Your brain is plastic and you can rework it to remove depression and anxiety from your life. Just have to put in a little work.
People need to be slowly weened from the meds...nobody is making that suggestion
http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2014/01/07/for-depression-treatment-meditation-might-rival-medication/
https://www.headspace.com/meditation-for-depression
http://life.nationalpost.com/2014/01/13/is-meditation-the-new-anti-depressant-mindfulness-practice-may-be-more-effective-than-drugs-for-anxiety-depression/
I have seen lives absolutely turn around with this (including my own).
dickey moe
Fingerpicker
Continue selling the help you need, dude. We're pulling for ya 
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CurlyNight
Footballguy
Some need the meds. Again it's not a one size fits all treatment even if the diagnosis is the same.... And meds are not always a bad thing if it really helps....
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johnnycakes
Footballguy
I put the gun in my mouth so that the bullet would sever my brain stem, ensuring an instant death. Quick, easy, and little room for failure.
drfeelgood
Footballguy
It's certainly a quick way to end it all. Your wife pulling up on the gun just as it discharged very well could have hit your teeth and stayed in your mouth, but with a stroke of luck, or divine intervention, it went in the air and into the tree behind you. Good thing your wife was not behind you or she could have been that tree. It must have scared the #### out of her.
ILUVBEER99
Footballguy
wow, that's one of the craziest stories i've ever heard.
glad to hear you seem better now johnny.
glad to hear you seem better now johnny.
Rohn Jambo
Footballguy
Rohn Jambo
Footballguy
A few other things can help in addition to medication. For example, vigorous exercises (30 minutes a day), meditation and Yoga, spending more time in the sunlight, eating well and getting enough sleep.
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johnnycakes
Footballguy
Thanks. My whole life has been one crazy story after another. Now imagine living it.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Yes, meds alone is not the answer but for many it is a key or they won't care about exercise, diet, meditation, etc....
Rohn Jambo
Footballguy
Yeah. Get more than one medical opinion, interview a few doctors to find the "right" one who you're comfortable with, then trust the doctor to do what's best. As with any treatment, it often takes a couple tries to identify the meds that work for each person.
Milkman
Footballguy
JC hang in there man! If you ever need anybody to talk to you can PM me anytime.
Your family needs you. They also need you to take care of yourself. Children without fathers typically don't do well. When you commit suicide you think you are helping everybody because they won't have to deal with you and your issues but it's the exact opposite. You are hurting them because they will dearly miss you and they will be dealing with your problems for the rest of their lives.
Your family needs you. They also need you to take care of yourself. Children without fathers typically don't do well. When you commit suicide you think you are helping everybody because they won't have to deal with you and your issues but it's the exact opposite. You are hurting them because they will dearly miss you and they will be dealing with your problems for the rest of their lives.
Johnnymac
Footballguy
People with depression, even severe depression, can enjoy things and look forward to things. I know it seems strange but it's true.
Meds are there preferably for short term support to indeed get you up and out and trying other things. I would highly recommend the course i pointed out earlier. Long term changing your neural pathways is going to be a lot better path to follow than just taking meds...
good luck
cstu
Footballguy
Rohn Jambo
Footballguy
It's true most people want to minimize or eliminate drug dependency. But I think, like hypertension, won't most doctors recommend getting the blood pressure under control first before take other health improvement steps?
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johnnycakes
Footballguy
The thing is, now I'm under court order to take meds as prescribed. So if I fool around with this and then have another episode.... It could get really ugly really fast.
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