CurlyNight
Footballguy
Positive thoughts your way, Wazoo11. xx
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Suicide (1 Viewer)
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wazoo11
Footballguy
The past few days have been a tad bit better. I am really frustrated about waitlisted for a psychiatrist. Adjusting to grad school has been difficult too.
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wikkidpissah
Footballguy
Do you have a go-to relaxation technique, wazoo? Younger, smarter (i'm guessing cuz of grad school) depressives have always suffered most from the inability to access any form of inner quietude, and i would imagine that to be even worse in a hypermedia, always-distracted world like you're in. Tai chi can be almost as good as smack if you're noisy inside. Maybe your school has a group - that would certainly help build a bridge to or even beyond therapy.
wazoo11
Footballguy
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
wazoo11
Footballguy
Sorry. If I had time, I'd play the drums or go hiking. Meditation sometimes does help.
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wikkidpissah
Footballguy
CurlyNight
Footballguy
I am stumped about how to help with this fam situation. My cousin's son after getting caught with a lot of pot under his bed declared school isn't for him (he's 14 in 8th grade) and if forced to go to school or back to boot camp in UT (of all places, he lives here in CA) that he'll kill his dad (my cousin) and then himself.
Background:
Cousin divorced his mom when he was 6. Mother has own issues and couldn't take having her kids visit her for awhile (there's a 10 y/o son too). My cousin had sole custody. He's a busy fam lawyer and my aunt (his mom) would take the kids in after school from time to time. Not a big deal there as my other cousin's dau was there a lot too. I've spent a lot of time over there and saw my cousin in action with his problem child. He has a temper and everything was do this or else in a stern voice or shouting matches. I remember this kid would come to me in tears about what did I do? Both me and my aunt would tell my cousin that dude, you can't go on attack like this because he misbehaves or does something wrong. His other son is quiet and easy going. I'm sure there was jealousy there because of this and he was younger and therefore cuter- got more attention. His mom eventually came back into the pic 3 or so years ago and would see her kids every other weekend. She had the wrong boyfriends. One time when her kids were there the boyfriend started being abusive to his mom and he took a knife out of the drawer and threatened the bf. Also of note he was really into violent killing vids/games on the internet. My aunt doesn't have that kind of power over him to get him to stop watching. He had his priveledges taken away many times but would always sneak a peek when he could.
Last Aug my cousin had arranged for his son to be taken from his home and shipped to the boot camp place in UT. No one was home. At 5 am they went in and got him. His mom wasn't thrilled about it but they were both at their wits end with him getting in with the wrong crowd and trying to run away and such. He was miserable there and his mom caved in and brought him back in Dec against my cousin's wishes. He declared he hated his dad, ever wanted to see him again and went to stay with mom. Mom started working on getting full custody and child support. The other son opted to stay with dad.
Hadn't heard anything since. On our Iranian new year in fam pics I saw him in a couple pics. In one he was standing by his dad. Dad had an arm around him, but not him. He is so much taller than his dad. I haven't seen fam since before cancer to really tell but I think he's got to be close to 6 ft at 14. Very good looking too.
Last night my bro tells me the update, which is what I said above, where don't mess with me or I'll kill dad and then myself.
I don't suppose anyone here has had any such experience or know anyone who has? Be curious to know how you'd handle this situation with a kid that doesn't care. I really don't think he's just saying I'll kill myself. Many of us say that as a kid in response to parental something but never mean it. This kid has a psychologist and has for a few years now. Obviously does no good. I have no clue what they are doing in the mean time while they are figuring out a plan. This is one angry kid and the fact that he's threatened to kill his dad scares us. Definitely not a situation to just let it go unless the decision becomes just let the kid do what he wants. With the amount of pot found they think he's selling. Arresting him, getting him committed I think will anger him more. I don't think a fam intervention would work. He doesn't like the fam really. It would be nice to find an adult that he trusts and can confide in to try and get him to see the light but that person doesn't exist. I can't do it. I've got too many issues with side effects and medical issues going on myself. Plus fam doesn't know about my cancer, hence why I'm in hiding since and for now except for my bro.
Anyway, anyone that can share I'd love to hear what happened in a similar situation,.
Background:
Cousin divorced his mom when he was 6. Mother has own issues and couldn't take having her kids visit her for awhile (there's a 10 y/o son too). My cousin had sole custody. He's a busy fam lawyer and my aunt (his mom) would take the kids in after school from time to time. Not a big deal there as my other cousin's dau was there a lot too. I've spent a lot of time over there and saw my cousin in action with his problem child. He has a temper and everything was do this or else in a stern voice or shouting matches. I remember this kid would come to me in tears about what did I do? Both me and my aunt would tell my cousin that dude, you can't go on attack like this because he misbehaves or does something wrong. His other son is quiet and easy going. I'm sure there was jealousy there because of this and he was younger and therefore cuter- got more attention. His mom eventually came back into the pic 3 or so years ago and would see her kids every other weekend. She had the wrong boyfriends. One time when her kids were there the boyfriend started being abusive to his mom and he took a knife out of the drawer and threatened the bf. Also of note he was really into violent killing vids/games on the internet. My aunt doesn't have that kind of power over him to get him to stop watching. He had his priveledges taken away many times but would always sneak a peek when he could.
Last Aug my cousin had arranged for his son to be taken from his home and shipped to the boot camp place in UT. No one was home. At 5 am they went in and got him. His mom wasn't thrilled about it but they were both at their wits end with him getting in with the wrong crowd and trying to run away and such. He was miserable there and his mom caved in and brought him back in Dec against my cousin's wishes. He declared he hated his dad, ever wanted to see him again and went to stay with mom. Mom started working on getting full custody and child support. The other son opted to stay with dad.
Hadn't heard anything since. On our Iranian new year in fam pics I saw him in a couple pics. In one he was standing by his dad. Dad had an arm around him, but not him. He is so much taller than his dad. I haven't seen fam since before cancer to really tell but I think he's got to be close to 6 ft at 14. Very good looking too.
Last night my bro tells me the update, which is what I said above, where don't mess with me or I'll kill dad and then myself.
I don't suppose anyone here has had any such experience or know anyone who has? Be curious to know how you'd handle this situation with a kid that doesn't care. I really don't think he's just saying I'll kill myself. Many of us say that as a kid in response to parental something but never mean it. This kid has a psychologist and has for a few years now. Obviously does no good. I have no clue what they are doing in the mean time while they are figuring out a plan. This is one angry kid and the fact that he's threatened to kill his dad scares us. Definitely not a situation to just let it go unless the decision becomes just let the kid do what he wants. With the amount of pot found they think he's selling. Arresting him, getting him committed I think will anger him more. I don't think a fam intervention would work. He doesn't like the fam really. It would be nice to find an adult that he trusts and can confide in to try and get him to see the light but that person doesn't exist. I can't do it. I've got too many issues with side effects and medical issues going on myself. Plus fam doesn't know about my cancer, hence why I'm in hiding since and for now except for my bro.
Anyway, anyone that can share I'd love to hear what happened in a similar situation,.
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![[scooter]](/data/avatars/m/22/22287.jpg?1659477690){kind=avatar}
[scooter]
Footballguy
The kid isn't suicidal. He's a psychopath. He needs way more than boot camp. He should be institutionalized.
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
Don't see any clear psychopathy there, mostly negligence pushing him to seek negative attention in order to control how the people he cares about/has to deal with react to him. This no longer being an aberrant situation, kids like this have a lot more company than they used to, which creates a pretty vicious cycle. It's fixable but, a case worker talented, oriented and committed enough to get everyone on the same page (an absolutely necessary starting block here, no matter what course is chosen) would be as rare as the kind of role model your bolded wish for him describes. Impossible to make specific recommendation anecdotally, of course. One of the first courses i would pursue is to find out if the boy has an abiding passion of any kind - sport, art, hobby - to give him focus, positive feedback/result and associative will as a starting point for a life plan. It only remains to be said that the world usually lets these people fall through the cracks, oblivious to the chain reaction it will yield. GL to your & your family.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
That's more how I see it too, of a lashing out- but still the I'll kill you dad is scary. He is very angry. Seen it build up and up. He would beg his dad to explain why something he did was wrong while crying. He'd get unclear answers. He's never had passion in anything but trying to get away from his dad. He's never been terribly good at anything so now he's found a crowd he fits in with who also ditches school. He'll never be like his bro or the kind of "normal" they want him to be. A childhood like that no matter what's done now will have an effect on him to some degree even if he manages to straighten up. My fam is the type that no matter what you do they don't give up on you, so he has that going for him.
Thanks for your input and wishes.
Henry Ford
Footballguy
Sounds like a clone of my stepbrother. They put him in military school, he did great for a year so they let him come home. Slid right back into the same patterns/life, attacked him mom and almost killed her, the family disowned him. Everyone pretty much agrees his only chance was leaving him in military school, and they let him come back when they knew better.
El Floppo
Footballguy
The mom didn't get custody of any kind? Nutshell there...legal, addiction or physical/mental health issues? Angry lawyer dad... but the aunt looking after the boys, who else was caring for them while dad was working?
As a family lawyer, your cousin must have means and access to family counselors- did they go that route? Anything else prior to sending him to boot camp? Any attempt to adjust his peer group?
As a family lawyer, your cousin must have means and access to family counselors- did they go that route? Anything else prior to sending him to boot camp? Any attempt to adjust his peer group?
CurlyNight
Footballguy
The mom didn't go for custody because she had issues she was dealing with herself and they all felt the kids would be better off with their dad. Boyfriends for her (which hers weren't of the good kind) and 3 girlfriends and a marriage since their divorce for dad. Mom is OCD, that I know for sure as well as being a magnet for bad boyfriends. Neither parent into smoking or drugs. Not sure if drinking was an issue for the mom but around us she never would over do it. Fam likes her and still do. She's greeted with open arms when she comes around. She is very nice and sweet, just has some issues that didn't help their marriage. And of course my cousin isn't ideal either with the temper. Both kids went to school then to daycare type set up. Aunt would step in to help if nothing like that available at the time. It's my aunt, their grandma. Both parents were in counseling indiv and together as was their son. Worked for awhile but then obviously not. And I don't know how they could adjust his peer group in jr high. Kids hang out with who they like in their cliques. He texts a lot on his phone. Because of the threats they haven't taken it away. I haven't seen the kid in 2 years. I knew he was going to have issues and was an angry kid inside. I saw it coming but I never imagined the threat to kill his dad or himself since we do have a caring fam. But of course the parents are key in the upbringing of the kids, not us. My cousin paid a lot of money in advance (for the whole year) for boot camp school and it was a let's see how it goes for the year, but the kid was crying and desperate to get out and mom is a softy so she flew to UT and retrieved him. Even if they decide boot camp school again not sure how you'd get him there. I wouldn't be surprised if now the kid is armed to defend himself in case of another attempt at a 5 am kidnapping of sorts.,.
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Cjw_55106
Footballguy
El Floppo
Footballguy
great to hear you're taking positive steps. take time with the lexapro, especially in terms of getting the dosage right. good luck!
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Good to hear you are giving it a go. It can take 6-8 weeks to see if it's helping or not. They probably started you on low dose and may increase it slowly as needed. Lexapro is similar to Celexa. I was worried being given Lexapro in the hospital for a few days v my Celexa but that's where I learned it's basically the same. These meds are considered to be quite tolerable so really hopes it helps you. If not, it can take time to find something that does and the right dose. Meds and therapy are the best way to go when nothing else has worked on your own. I also recommend reading some self help books. Lots of good ones out there on cognitive behavioural therapy etc that you can read and do the exercises on your own as well. Best wishes! xx
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
Gonna recommend tai chi again and remind you to use treatment to get better, not develop excuses for why you're unhappy or not connecting. Every moment is a choice and you got a whole buncha folk here hoping you'll choose well and helping you in our hearts. GL -
wazoo11
Footballguy
Tried Tai chi and felt okay afterwards. I think something like cooking or photography will help.
Henry Ford
Footballguy
Cooking is absolutely my jam when I'm having a tough time. I highly recommend. But be prepared for a lot of burns on your forearms.
Also, in shunting away anxiety and depression, I've amassed a rather considerable set of recipes, including a number of "secret" (but not really) recipes from restaurants. If there's anything you think you want to try, I bet I can steer you toward a doable one.
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
There is, for each of us, a beauty only we can serve. Find yours, make it the point of your life, the object of your devotion, and you are free.
It is worth the trouble of learning to trust yourself to make that happen, i promise.
wazoo11
Footballguy
chet
Footballguy
This has been a crowd pleaser.
OOLONG MARINATED SEA BASS
(LIKE PF CHANG'S)
Grab a couple half-pound sea bass fillets (not too thick), whip up a simple marinade and you're on your way to cloning one of the most beloved dishes at America's fastest growing Chinese bistro chain. The marinade is only five ingredients so you'll have that done in no time. But you'll need to plan ahead for this meal since the fish must marinate for 5 to 6 hours. Once it's marinated, fire up the oven to bake the fish, then finish it off under the broiler. Easy sea bass, baby! Sauté some spinach, garlic and sweet corn for an optional bed that makes the dish indistinguishable from the real thing.
2 1/2-pound sea bass fillets
MARINADE/SAUCE:
2 cups water
2/3 cup soy sauce
3/4 cup light brown sugar
1 teaspoon minced fresh ginger
1 teaspoon minced fresh garlic
OPTIONAL GARNISH:
6 handfuls fresh spinach
1/2 teaspoon minced fresh garlic
1 (5.5-ounce) can whole baby sweet corn, drained
Make your sauce and marinade by combining the five ingredients in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil then reduce heat and simmer for 2 minutes. Cool uncovered, then strain out the ginger and garlic.
Put your sea bass fillets in a storage bag or a covered container with 2 cups of the marinade. Let the fish have a nice soak in the marinade for 5 to 6 hours in the fridge. If the sauce doesn't completely cover the fish, be sure to turn the fillets a couple hours in so that all sides get marinated.
When you are ready to prepare the fish, preheat your oven to 425 degrees.
Arrange the fillets on a foil-covered cooking sheet. Bake the fish for 22 minutes or until the edges of the fillets are starting to turn brown. Crank the oven up to a high broil and broil fish for 2 to 4 minutes or until you get some dark patches around the edge of the fillets. Just don't let them burn.
As your fish is baking, heat up a wok or large skillet with one tablespoon of vegetable oil over medium heat. Add the spinach, garlic, and baby sweet corn, and a dash of salt and pepper to the pan. Sauté the veggies just until the spinach is wilted, then arrange half of the spinach and corn on each of two plates.
When the sea bass is done broiling, use a spatula to carefully lay each fillet on the bed of spinach and baby corn. Split the remaining sauce and pour it over each of the fillets before serving
rojbk
Footballguy
Any kind of class(cooking, painting or whatever) would probably be good for meeting new people. This website looks pretty good too
http://www.meetup.com/
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Joe Summer
Footballguy
Wahoo wazoo!!
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wazoo11
Footballguy
kutta
Footballguy
Smile when you say hello to people. It really makes a difference and makes you feel good too.
And listen. Really listen when people talk to you. Most people really like talking to people who listen. I make a conscious effort to say something like, "that's interesting, tell me more," when someone tells me something, instead of impatiently waiting for them to finish so I can tell a story about myself.
Good luck to you. Fingers crossed that your work goes very well for you.
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
That's really hard to say without knowing you and them better. Of course it is best to be honest with the people you care about and who care about you. But one always wants to do things the best way one can. Have you been happy with how you've been able to express your feelings with the professionals you talked to? Is there someone you might trust more than others in your circle to be upfront with? It would probably be best to avoid doing it announcement style, mostly because you get the pity thing, which is generally counterproductive. Try telling folks 1x1 at the level you trust them and be comfortable letting it leak out to others and let some come to you, perhaps, when they hear about it. That way isn't not a giant deal, which can be overwhelming. As always, good luck.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Depends on your friends/family. My family doesn't believe in MI and thinks the answer is to think positive. Went through this with my cousin where I wound up being the only support. She regrets the rest of the people she told knows.
That's one reason why they don't know about my cancer stuff because fam would become Dr. Phil's and Dr. Oz's. If they are supportive and it would be a positive for you then why not get the additional support. If you think them knowing would make it worse for you then imo keep them out.
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wazoo11
Footballguy
Thank you for your kindly advice. Do you guys practice CBT by any chance? How do you deal with distorted thoughts? It's really hard trying to change core beliefs.
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Henry Ford
Footballguy
I find it helpful to try to remember that I'm not crazy, I'm living in a completely whacked out world. If you're paying attention, empathetic, intelligent, and have a hard time with cognitive dissonance, it's hard not to be anxious/depressed at times. It's important to me to not try to change my core beliefs, but to channel them in ways that are positive - and to break them down further to what the actual "core" is.
No one's core belief is "I want to die." That's a conclusion. The core belief is behind that - often way behind that by several steps.
wikkidpissah
Footballguy
CBT is more reality-based than other schools, so i applaud that, but i found myself at odds with almost all practices and practitioners when i was in the biz..
Do you take a fart personally? A muscle cramp? A heart attack? Well, yes, you possibly can to the latter, because you can trace what you may have done to create or allow the possibility of one.
The mind is the same, but one takes EVERY product of their mind personally. You don't have to. My therapeutic sense is to help people understand themselves by understanding how the mind works, that it's electric & wires cross, especially between the three levels of our brain which have become one.. Patch wires, occasionally replace systems that are always shorting out, but mostly understand that health is not that every thought and impulse be perfect, but that you be able to keep an even flow in general and know that is enough.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Highly recommend CBT. Works wonders whether you are MI or not. If you seek therapy, that is indeed the type of therapist to seek. There is no need to delve deep into your past as to why you are the way your are, unless you are curious. But if you want to fix it, CBT. I attended some groups with my cousin when she was in the psych ward. Realising that these are distorted thoughts is key in stopping them. There are also some books that are really good on it. I found for her groups was good because of the feedback and you learn from others too. Next would be a CBT therapist. If you do better on your own then self help CBT books. Or combine them.
The root of all our angst with anxiety and depression is our thoughts. Thoughts produce feelings which leads to (negative behaviour) then back to thoughts and the circle continues.
I just remember as this was a few years ago that they had this big stop sign in the circle. Thought distorted? Stop. Replace with accurate thoughts. It's a conscious effort until your mind automatically does it. Draw the circle. Write the thought. Fill in the feeling. Fill in the behaviour. Then go back and replace it with what it needs to be. I remember a lot of those exercises with people choosing something that they knew was distorted or unable to prove something is true. They'd fill it in with negativity so the therapist would guide them into turning that thought around.
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CurlyNight
Footballguy
Henry Ford
Footballguy
It's always here. Any one of us may not be (or not be able to check in to this thread because of our own stuff making it too much to handle) but someone in here is always willing to listen and take your side. Good people in here.
Ketamine Dreams
Footballguy
I'll second this and add that we all have different, yet valuable insights and experiences. I haven't had the depression/suicidal thoughts personally, but a very close family member has, and another one did commit suicide. I believe we can all help in our own way and as Henry said, there is always someone here who will listen and offer support. Remember that you are never alone and that people do care about you.
wazoo11
Footballguy
My next question is what books do you recommend reading? I need to work on interpersonal skills.
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CurlyNight
Footballguy
A book would be good for tips. If no one chimes in with one then I'd browse amazon on the subject and see if something seems good to you. I find the step by step type of format/reading is the easiest with psychological stuff.
I think too joining a group of your choice, whether it's a therapy one or of an interest you have like for ex cooking, is the best. You are forced to interact in a group setting. The more you do it, the easier it becomes so don't just try one time and say I can't. It most likely will take awhile if this is really out of your comfort zone. One key to remember is people like to talk about themselves. Show you care, have interest. If he/she's into something you don't know much about, inquire more about it with interest. Smile a lot. Don't look grumpy. People who are friendly but have the grumpy look on their face come off to strangers as unfriendly even though they aren't. Remember important things to the person. On next meet you can ask so how is this going. Shows you care. People like people who care.
Interpersonal skills isn't just speaking. It's also being present with others in the space you are in. For ex, don't stand in a corner or off to the side with arms folded or some other body language that tells folks to stay away.
If the thought of a group of some sort is a bit much right now, start smaller. At the store while say looking over deli stuff, you can ask the person next to you if they've tried this salad. Simple. I don't know how shy you are but this is a great starter for people who are shy. Also realise that even the chatty cathies have times when they are stumped in a situation of what to say. I find this with some of these folks with my cancer stuff. Quality over quantity. Not many people like the chatty cathies. There is no right or wrong thing to say, unless you go into issues where people do differ like politics or religion. Save those for friends and fam.
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wazoo11
Footballguy
CurlyNight
Footballguy
Awesome! That's really the key to surviving life, pushing our comfort zone. Be excited about starting a new way of thinking, a new life. Everyone has struggles and problems so don't think people don't fret about their comfort zone. We all do from time to time. It's normal. We are all a work in progress. Sending you many positive thoughts and vibes. You can do this.
CurlyNight
Footballguy
wazoo11
Footballguy
So, the past few weeks have somewhat improved. I just started individual CBT coaching with a PhD clinical psychology student. It's eight weeks on a low sliding scale. Better than trying my luck with private practice. Lexapro has been tremendously helpful with self-motivation. I am able to meet deadlines in a more efficient way. Time management seems less problematic. Professors have been supportive and willing to workout extensions.
The peer support group was quite interesting. I haven't talked to my family yet, though.
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