Talking to kids about Pet dying (1 Viewer)

[El Floppo]

I feel like there was a great thread about this... but search didn't produce for me in time.

Our cat has cancer (in surgery right now to get a tumor removed) and doesn't have long- if he even makes it out of surgery.

Wife and I are both a mess about this, but want to be able to have an approach to talk to our kids about him either dying or having died. The kids are 3 (daughter) and 7 (son)- the 3yo is really close buddies with the cat and hasn't really had to deal with death before (other cat died when she was 1 1/2- too little to even comprehend that he wasn't still around).

I would appreciate any and all advice about this... we're feeling pretty lost.

 

[coyote5]

Why would you put a pet through surgery if it won't have long to live even if it makes it through the procedure?

 

[Franknbeans]

The kids will likely take this better than you two.

 

[Mr. Ected]

Do you have multiple cats/pets? Helps with one going if there are still others to care for!

 

[spOOfy]

The kids will likely take this better than you two.

yep. 7 year old may get a little weepy. 3 year old will probably just ask for another cat.

 

[matttyl]

Why would you put a pet through surgery if it won't have long to live even if it makes it through the procedure?

I kinda feel that way. I'm very sorry for your loss, though - can't imagine how I'll be if any of my pets passed.

The 7 year old should be able to handle the truth unabridged. The 3 year old, who apparently was closer to the pet, will also need to be told the actual truth, but very delicately (kitty was sick and is in a better place - depending on your religious beliefs, kitty's body wasn't working properly and the doctors couldn't fix it). Don't say that you "lost" the cat (even if referring to death) as the child may take that thought literally.

 

[James Daulton]

Kids, dying is part of life. Surgery cat just entered that part of life.

 

[coyote5]

Why would you put a pet through surgery if it won't have long to live even if it makes it through the procedure?

Losing a pet is very difficult so not trying to troll you. Genuinely wondering.

 

[Poke_4_Life]

i don't know if there is a 'silver bullet' answer. Just be honest with them, and like someone said above don't say 'lost' to the 3yo.

However, having pets with kids is a great way to get them acclimated to the fact that people and pets die. Its always better if the kids first experience grief over a pet rather than grandma/grandpa, etc.

 

[El Floppo]

Why would you put a pet through surgery if it won't have long to live even if it makes it through the procedure?

because we felt like he was doing ok outside of the tumor. if he had been showing other signs of discomfort- poor breathing, eating, bowels, etc- it would have made the decision to put him down right there easier.

 

[Buttonhook]

You're kids are young, so it's going to be difficult for them to really comprehend the finality of it all, no matter how you try to explain it.

Best advice I have is to plan on buying a new cat soon.

I went through this with the death of our beloved Rotty, when my kids were basically the same age as yours. I wanted to wait to buy a new dog, partly out of respect, but I also wasn't ready to love another dog like that (yea, I know - lame). But my wife had different ideas, we got a dog within two weeks. Didn't make me feel much better, but it really helped the kids. At their ages they were easily distracted.

It's three years later and today I don't think my kids remember the day we put her down. But it still chokes me up when I think about it (yea, I know - lame).

GL

 

[Mohawk]

Honesty is always best in these sort of inevitablitlites! Everything born eventually dies. They might as well get used to it when they have an opportunity like now. You can sugar coat it with thoughts of heaven if that is your beliefs. Let your instincts guide you. Good luck.

 

[fantasycurse42]

Why would you put a pet through surgery if it won't have long to live even if it makes it through the procedure?

Losing a pet is very difficult so not trying to troll you. Genuinely wondering.

We did this with a Choc Lab... It was a longshot, we knew it was a longshot, but you love your pet, you'll take the chance. Our dog died a week after the surgery...

I learned about animals dying by watching the movie All Dogs Go To Heaven when I was like 5 or 6, no shtick.

Not much more to add, but sorry about your pet Floppo.

 

[El Floppo]

i don't know if there is a 'silver bullet' answer. Just be honest with them, and like someone said above don't say 'lost' to the 3yo.

However, having pets with kids is a great way to get them acclimated to the fact that people and pets die. Its always better if the kids first experience grief over a pet rather than grandma/grandpa, etc.

I've always felt that losing a pet (rather than an immediate family member) was a great way for a kid to learn about death... just hadn't thought through the approach of how to tell them.

we've also tended to the truth/literal with both kids- felt like it helps them understand better. but again, it's our first time talking through death, specifically with our daughter who calls the cat "my little buddy".

 

[El Floppo]

Do you have multiple cats/pets? Helps with one going if there are still others to care for!

we lost... sorry- our other cat died about two years ago. He was 20, never sick until his last couple of days when he was just too weak to jump on our bed to sleep. died in his (or at least our) sleep in the night. made it very easy to explain to our older kid- cat was really, really old (no- not like your grandmas), he lead a great and loved life and it was his time. the sickness and potential euthanasia is throwing me for a loop.

yeah- a new pet would do wonders.

 

[El Floppo]

and thanks for the comments guys- this ####### sucks.

 

[Poke_4_Life]

and thanks for the comments guys- this ####### sucks.

Sorry for you Floppo and Floppinho(s). I hate cancer in humans and pets. Cancer f-ing sucks.

My now 16yo daughter still says the first time she saw me cry was after our dog died of cancer 6+ years ago.

 

[5-ish Finkle]

Gag. Hate hearing this stuff. That blows, dude.

*Grabs dog. Hugs. Whispers "You are immortal and are never dying!" into his ear*

 

[James Daulton]

It's times like this when I'm glad I'm a cold-hearted sob. I've had a few pets croak on me but it never really bothered me other than, "where's fluffy? oh yea, that's right."

 

[Mr. Ected]

Do you have multiple cats/pets? Helps with one going if there are still others to care for!

we lost... sorry- our other cat died about two years ago. He was 20, never sick until his last couple of days when he was just too weak to jump on our bed to sleep. died in his (or at least our) sleep in the night. made it very easy to explain to our older kid- cat was really, really old (no- not like your grandmas), he lead a great and loved life and it was his time. the sickness and potential euthanasia is throwing me for a loop.

yeah- a new pet would do wonders.

We just put down a 19 y.o. cat this fall. (I was hoping she'd make it to drinking age!) We were lucky that we have two others and when the old lady had to go, the kids took it fairly easily. (Helped that we were headed to WDW in a couple weeks, so minds got focused on that!!)

 

[Scoresman]

We are friends with a couple who recently lost their cat and they have a 2 1/2 year old son who was close with the cat. They had the cat cremated and kept the box with the ashes. They did explain to the child as best they could. Sometimes their son takes the box and sits on the couch with it. It's really cute and sad. It's tough to tell what he understands about the situation.

 

[El Floppo]

We are friends with a couple who recently lost their cat and they have a 2 1/2 year old son who was close with the cat. They had the cat cremated and kept the box with the ashes. They did explain to the child as best they could. Sometimes their son takes the box and sits on the couch with it. It's really cute and sad. It's tough to tell what he understands about the situation.

that's closer to the age our daughter was when the other one died- and she didn't get it or hardly even noticed. she's 3, but almost 4 now- and as all parents know, that's like dog years... she's a totally differnt creature now, and I think will get hit hard by this.

 

[El Floppo]

It's times like this when I'm glad I'm a cold-hearted sob. I've had a few pets croak on me but it never really bothered me other than, "where's fluffy? oh yea, that's right."

you have kids, James?

 

[comfortably numb]

Make up a story about it going to an afterlife filled with all it's other cat friends....

Just don't tell them the cat may resurrect...cause if they see a similar looking cat 3 days later.... before you know it 2000 years later cats will be killing each other in the name of Mittens.

 

[matuski]

We are friends with a couple who recently lost their cat and they have a 2 1/2 year old son who was close with the cat. They had the cat cremated and kept the box with the ashes. They did explain to the child as best they could. Sometimes their son takes the box and sits on the couch with it. It's really cute and sad. It's tough to tell what he understands about the situation.

That is creepy.

 

[RC94]

I have nothing to add about talking to your kids, but I wanted to give you my condolences. You and your family have my best wishes.

 

[El Floppo]

Thanks again, everybody.

fwiw- Chip the cat made it out of surgery, and they think they got everything. Keeping our fingers crossed for the coming weeks that it doesn't come right back- but it all went as well as we could have hoped.

death and death talk pushed back a bit- debating talking to our daughter sooner or later about it. I'm thinking if it's sooner, she'll just be sad and worried about the cat instead of just enjoying him until the end... so leaning to having the talk when we're up against it.

 

[comfortably numb]

Thanks again, everybody.

fwiw- Chip the cat made it out of surgery, and they think they got everything. Keeping our fingers crossed for the coming weeks that it doesn't come right back- but it all went as well as we could have hoped.

death and death talk pushed back a bit- debating talking to our daughter sooner or later about it. I'm thinking if it's sooner, she'll just be sad and worried about the cat instead of just enjoying him until the end... so leaning to having the talk when we're up against it.

puuuurfect!

 

[James Daulton]

It's times like this when I'm glad I'm a cold-hearted sob. I've had a few pets croak on me but it never really bothered me other than, "where's fluffy? oh yea, that's right."

you have kids, James?

Best wishes for the kittie floppo. I do have two kids (well if you call 20 and 16 kids).

 

[Cold Dead Hands]

It's times like this when I'm glad I'm a cold-hearted sob. I've had a few pets croak on me but it never really bothered me other than, "where's fluffy? oh yea, that's right."

I have a similar attitude about pets, but I grew up on a farm. That is my excuse.

 

[El Floppo]

It's times like this when I'm glad I'm a cold-hearted sob. I've had a few pets croak on me but it never really bothered me other than, "where's fluffy? oh yea, that's right."

I have a similar attitude about pets, but I grew up on a farm. That is my excuse.

its strange- my wife grew up on a non-working farm (they still have cows, but used to have all kinds of random animals) and is a blubbering nut-case with pets dying. I'm the same... although since the kids were born a lot less.

 

[glumpy]

A lot of good thoughts here. Only add I've got is to just share the emotions with them. It hurts you too--they see that.

 

[ChiefD]

Had to put down a couple of dogs when my oldest was really little. Probably 3 or so. Just talked to him straight up. Explained that pets get old and then they die and go to heaven. Explained that it happens to people too.

My grandmother passed away about 4 months ago, and all the kids went to the funeral. They are 9,7, and 4. Had the same discussion. Grandma got old and passed away. Just explained it's ok to be sad, but that everyone is going to die someday. They asked a bunch of questions and I answered them honestly.

They seem to take it pretty matter of factly and seem to understand that it's part of the deal.

 

[saintfool]

my gf had two dogs and my son (5) grew emotionally attached to one of them. the dog, 14+ years old, grew very ill suddenly by eating something toxic and had to be put down. my boy asked about the dog for a few days. he knew she was sick but didn't know just how bad it was. when the time came, i told him that she was dead. something along the lines of "you know how she was *very* sick? well she's not getting better. she got too sick and has died." he asked when she was coming back from the vet a few times but seemed to understand it in time.

i have used the experience to explore the topic with him. his grandparents are older (70+) and in reasonably good health now. i hope he has a lot of time with them but i also don't want it to catch him completely off-guard.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Kick some ###, Chip