Well, friends, I promised that I would treat you to a final write-up to
The Bachelor, and you know it killed me not to be able to do that
after the final rose, but I'm here now to give us all some closure. Lord knows we all need it after what we witnessed.
The cocksure Chris Harrison informed us that this would be an "unforgettable season finale," but in the not even fortnight since, I think we've all pretty much forgotten about it. So join me in a commentated re-watch of
The Bachelor, Season Whatever.
Part 1: Portrait of the Bradley as a 38 Year Old Man
The show opens with a standard "previously, on The Bachelor..." video montage to remind us just how much time we've wasted on this show. We see Chantal's scripted slap, Brad's delusional insistence that he's ready to find love, the numerous empty overtures from everyone involved, Emily's hair whipping around in the Mr. Burns-era convertible,
a gratuitous shot of a boob ensconsed in mesh, Brad's
excited look when Chantal first reveals her love for him, tears rivaling Niobe flowing from
whoever this is during Emily's plane crash story, and of course the
thumb sucking suggesting that this show is likely a subtle form of child abuse.
We're reminded that South Africa really is a beautiful place, and it is. It really is, and I mean that. The views are breathtaking with soaring peaks and azure sea. Of course the mood is ruined with a gratuitous product placement courtesy South African Airways, but I suppose we can let that slide. They probably flew in Brad's extended family for a nice discount. For some reason, Brad sobs like a baby when his brothers arrive. He's living a pretty charmed life here. Has it really been that long? After the crying session, we perhaps get some insight into Brad with this shot: I'm positing here that Brad is in love with his
twin brother's wife. Looks like an Emily clone to me.
I completely forgot that Brad's twin is named "Chad." How clever.
Brad tells his family, "I'm falling in love, I swear to God." This line, and those like it, require some further analysis. I find it interesting that Brad has to underscore everything in this way. It's like he's trying so hard to convince people, and himself, of something. I wonder if people are used to him lying or being insincere? Maybe. Or perhaps in this case he's invoking affirmations a la Tony Robbins. I think it's a mix of both, but it's beyond cliché at this point. People who are sure of themselves don't engage in this practice. They don't have to work this hard to convince people that they're sincere. "The two women know everything there is to know about me. Every. Single. Thing."
We also realize at this point that Brad has decided on someone already. I know this show has its flaws, but this is maybe one of the biggest of them. Why go through the motions with two women and put on a happy face with the loser if you already know you're ditching her? I guess this makes for an interesting home game of trying to figure out which one is the cast-off (which turned out not to be difficult), but it really underscores how much of a TV production this all is. I've said it before, but I'd love to read Brad's contract with ABC. It must be fascinating.. "Article XI, subsection 4: The Bachelor must feign interest in both finalists until the final rose is bequeathed. At no time shall The Bachelor cease in slathering praise upon both women." Seeing Brad pretend to have doubt here is beyond dumb. Why not allow the script to change? Even General Hospital mixes it up now and then, or so I'm told.
First up to meet the family is Chantal. Now, by this point I'm full-on against the nasal voice. I hate it with everything that I am. It's shrill, and she sounds like a cheerleader. However, the hair is looking extra silky, she's got a nice little tan going, and the boobies are always ready to party. And even though she's wrestled with the Freshman 15 during this show, there's something kind of endearing about it. I can only imagine how Brad would deal with that once she moved in. Here's a man who likely uses a digital balance to measure his protein powder and calipers to estimate body fat, and yet he's going to put up with Chantal's new-found doughiness? Oh, no no no no. I think the words "boot camp" would be in her future, and I expect tears.
Faux Brad and the Brett Favre clone take Chantal aside to "grill" her over her intentions. Guys, this is a little rich. Brad was the one that cut and run last time. He was the bad guy. Are we really going to act as if Chantal is in any sort of position of power here? It's funny how "Channy" keeps insisting that Brad is in love with her in a joking manner to these two. I think she knows that she's way behind, and it shows here. Something happened between now and the previous episode. I think once Emily said she was falling in love with Brad, that was it. Chantal lost. She picked up on it too, and it's very obvious here. "He'd better marry me!" The laugh that went with that was cringe-worthy and pitiable. It was nearly masked crying. I don't think she's mentally equipped to lose, but she already knows it. Chantal's talk with Brad's mom is kind of cute. She really wants to be so profound. You just want to pinch those
wittle cheeks.
Before leaving, Chantal tells Brad this is a done deal. Wrap it up. "You're mine." Brad told her to
tap the breaks a bit. "Uhh... easy." She says "I'm ready to change my whole life for him." Well, I guess that's pretty easy when the only obligation you have at home is changing the kitty litter. This is easily the most naïve finalist this show has ever seen, and I haven't even seen every season.
Next to meet the family is Emily. Immediately we see Brad acting differently. He really is less comfortable around her, but also clearly feels like she's more of a prize than Chantal is. The kiss is immediate, and he acts more
possessive with her. We saw Brad kind of pull a similar "throw around the woman" stunt with Chantal, but it was less intimate and more playful. This was a guy taking what he wanted and letting people know about it.
The uncomfortable moment came when Wes asked if Ricki's dead dad would be okay with her moving to Austin. Can a brother get some background here? Sheesh, talk about setting the poor ******* up. Brad, of course, acted completely weird about this "uuuuuhhh... okay.. maybe.. okay..." Emily has this story so down pat that it's now a one act Broadway production featuring herself as the star. It brings even the most cold-hearted fake vampires to tears. It made
what's her name sob. Trust me, guy.. she can take it from here. The "long story" was edited to about 30 seconds (since we've heard it about a half dozen times now), and of course it completely turned the tables. The grill session with the brothers didn't seem nearly as difficult this time around.
Later, the boys sit on a rocky beach with some beers to discuss the reality of this whole thing. Wes says, "dude, you're having a family" further tipping their hand that Emily is basically it. Brad, engaging in further self-delusion utters, "as soon as I saw her daughter, I knew we'd get along." Maybe it's the editing talking, but I didn't see it that way, B. I saw a guy that was used to charming 20 somethings, not five year olds. You looked a lot out of your element there. As much as you want to convince your brothers, America, and yourself that you're suddenly ready to be superdad, it's ringing a little hollow on the shores of Cape Town, about a billion miles from Realityville.
As Emily is leaving, we get a good shot of a
bracelet bearing the initials "JRH," which are presumably those of her daughter, Josephine Riddick Hendrick. It's curious, though, that Ricky Hendrick's initials are precisely the same: Joseph Riddick Hendrick. Would it make more sense for Emily wearing a memento like that for her daughter or for Ricky the race car driver? I say the latter, but it's ambiguous enough to allow plausible denial. Warning signs abound here, and I'd be pretty uncomfortable with it, but you can tell that Brad sees her as the ultimate conquest, so there's no turning back now.
I was a little surprised that the post mortem with Brad's family was edited as to leave no doubt that Emily was going to win. Usually they are more coy than this, but Brad's mom basically leveled with him and told him that was the girl he should marry. Of course she was also wearing
478 bracelets of her own, so maybe that had something to do with it. So now that Brad had his feelings validated, he had to think long and hard about how he would break Chantal's heart and her ability to trust men for the next decade.
Oh look, a porpoise.
Now that the meetings are over, we see this forced date with Chantal knowing full-well that she's on the outs. It's funny how Brad says "I just want to hang out with you." Hell, why not call her your "buddy" while you're at it? More concerning to me is that she seems to be sporting those
jorts again. Maybe they're not truly denim, but they sure as hell ain't flattering, especially with that rump. If anyone needed a style consultant during this show, it was Chantal.
So of course they have the perky Channy going underwater shark watching with Brad. Emily later (rightly) points out how ABC reinforces these stereotypes with where they send the girls on dates. The worst was Shawntel's hometown Halloween horror show, but constantly sending Emily off on the boring picnics is pretty obvious at this point. Chantal gets the adrenaline pumping excursions, while Emily gets to fly kites. Hell, why not just have them bake muffins together? Oh wait,
they did bake muffins together. These dates should be drawn from a hat or something. As obviously as this show is scripted, sometimes it's so far over the top you want to chuck something at your 240 Hz Samsung LED and send the producers the bill. We get it: Chantal is the fun one. She's so fun!
Rebecca Black1 would struggle to describe her in song, that's how
fun Chantal is. After some trepidation from Channy about the sharks, Brad says, "why do I take you on dates like this?" Um, she's
fun? He continues, "Because you're fun.." (a-ha!) "adventurous, and tough." Tough? Like unkneaded dough tough? Like salt water taffy tough? Ponderosa steak tough? Tough how? How is she though? Oh, and you didn't take her on this date, Mr. Onassis, just like you didn't buy that $90,000 ring you gave the other chick. Chantal isn't loving this shark deal and challenges Brad: "after this, you'd better be putting a f###ing ring on my finger, because you SUCK otherwise." Ha ha ha.. the fat one is so pushy.
Time for the wet suit. I know it's been a while for some of you, so let me
remind you. Yeah,
that wet suit. Of course, Brad's wet suit is zipped up to his neck and then some, but Shamu's? Sorry,
Channy's? Not quite. Her expression is priceless walking onto the deck. What we see a smorgasbord of visual stimuli that I can probably not convey in words. You see it, what do you think? Awesome disaster? Gorgeous train wreck? Maybe like asking Picasso to paint with his toes? I imagine it is like watching
Ursula Andress emerge from the sea in Dr. No, while on acid. Chantal kind of reminds me of a seal, but a seal that I'd strangely like to have sex with. For his part, Brad laughs, and says, "look at you." Quite the southern gentleman. Looking forward to more of this in Season 17,
Return of the Bradley. I do like the symbolism of Chantal swimming with sharks. At times it was difficult to distinguish her from the chum. Then again, chum doesn't have cleavage like
this. "What a perfect date, what a perfect girl." Yes, to send packing.
To close their last date together, Channy (I'm starting to like this) dons her best purple shirt and enjoys a glass of merlot with our shaving averse hero. Brad opts for his finest clean Hanes t-shirt, likely only stopping off here on his way to a workout. Immediately you can sense the tension in the air. Even the smitten Chantal can sense the uneasiness and asks about it: "you seem nervous." Brad, smooth as ever, says, "no no no, I'm taking it all in" as he abruptly
repositions himself like an aborted attempt to rush for the door. Ouch. They exchange some banter about how she likes to hit him. To her, it's playful flirting, but to him, you can tell he couldn't be more bored with it. Not only is Chantal in the friend zone at this point, she's in the even less desirable "little sister" zone. The disconnect between their individual mindsets couldn't be more apparent, but god bless her, Channy is just carrying on like everything's going swimmingly. She's so willing to hear his compliments as loving tributes to her greatness, but he's merely enumerating why he likes her as a person and why someone else should date her. Oh, but hang on here.. it seems as though Channy has fashioned a map for Bradley. Game changer? I seem to remember a personal note that another cast off gave Brad, shortly before she was dismissed. I'm afraid history is a harsh judge of this tactic. On the plus side, the cartography looked somewhat accurate. I'm pretty sure she left off
Lesotho, though. Rookie. Reading the note, Chan made
herself cry, and Brad rewarded her with a white hot peck on the cheek. Jeez, we're not even trying anymore.
It's around this time in the show that I'm honestly feeling bad for our little Channy. She's clearly quite smitten with The Brad (or the idea of him), but he's giving her nothing in return. I know it doesn't fit the script, but this poor girl should have been let go by now. He went into all kinds of gesticulations over letting the nutty dentist (and
your next Bachelorette 
) go, and yet he's going to hurt Chantal far worse with this act. It's a shame because this is going to bruise her for a long time. A girl with this fragile of a disposition and someone this willing to go all-in for a known commitment-phobe shouldn't even be allowed within 10 miles of a guy like this, and certainly not on camera for a national audience. Just throw another body on the pile, I guess. I've seen Time-Life WWII footage that was less graphic.
As Brad leaves, there are kisses, but it's a good 10:1 cheek-to-lips ratio. Even the willfully obtuse Channy can smell what's cooking here, and as a result goes
full-fetal on the couch once reality sets in. Oof.
Stay tuned for the unforgettable conclusion of this epic fiasco in Part 2...
developing...
Footnotes:
1 56 million views, and 800,000
comments as of this writing
I don't know what he saw in Emily. Sure, she's hot, but she seems to have zero personality and has major baggage, a child. But it seems that Brad's family liked Emily better, since she already is a mom. So you're saying that Chantal can't understand your world because she isn't a mom yet? Dude, who cares what you sisters in law think?
to the newlyweds. 
