Posted Today, 05:23 PM
-fish-, on 06 Oct 2014 - 5:11 PM, said:
-fish- said:
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Morbi sodales mauris volutpat maximus venenatis. Integer congue bibendum pharetra. Aenean varius dapibus porta. Suspendisse scelerisque ullamcorper libero, in ullamcorper risus sodales at. Integer eu felis sit amet ligula bibendum tincidunt in nec lacus. Nullam sagittis consectetur diam varius placerat. Nunc luctus, odio eget feugiat ullamcorper, justo felis bibendum sapien, posuere interdum tellus turpis eget mauris. Nulla erat nibh, mattis suscipit nibh quis, bibendum varius odio. Nam venenatis est et nunc consectetur congue. Pellentesque elementum ipsum id sapien tempus volutpat. Quisque vulputate tellus eu metus bibendum molestie at a enim. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Mauris non varius magna, eu consectetur elit. Phasellus mattis tortor sed ultrices placerat. Fusce at consectetur neque.
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In et pharetra nibh. Donec ullamcorper, lacus ut iaculis volutpat, purus eros porta leo, ut eleifend felis nibh nec dolor. Cras ultricies elit a dui aliquet, eget convallis sapien sagittis. Donec lacus metus, consectetur a placerat vitae, suscipit et lorem. Vestibulum est nisi, molestie nec mollis eget, tincidunt eu metus. Donec aliquam gravida enim, ut convallis orci faucibus vel. Donec fermentum, arcu ac facilisis suscipit, ex purus consectetur enim, ac porta quam massa congue erat. Sed pharetra aliquam tellus, vitae dapibus massa semper quis. Proin ac fermentum nibh.
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Praesent odio metus, bibendum in orci eu, lacinia dapibus odio. Morbi non libero elementum, consequat augue et, vestibulum enim. Suspendisse pellentesque placerat augue non hendrerit. Pellentesque vel aliquam nisl. Vestibulum dapibus id tellus vel dictum. Curabitur pulvinar placerat tincidunt. In iaculis dapibus maximus. Nullam mi elit, malesuada non bibendum eget, consectetur in massa. Maecenas efficitur venenatis risus rutrum rutrum. Pellentesque quis neque tincidunt, pharetra elit gravida, accumsan odio. Fusce commodo venenatis urna id blandit.
Integer venenatis ultrices velit. Nulla facilisi. Quisque consequat, diam et ullamcorper consectetur, urna nibh placerat eros, vitae lobortis justo velit eu nisi. Etiam facilisis, turpis vel vulputate elementum, sem sapien malesuada lacus, ut vestibulum dui nibh vel ipsum. Aenean interdum felis lacus, ut convallis metus maximus quis. Fusce suscipit dapibus libero nec posuere. Vestibulum molestie interdum libero, id vestibulum tortor malesuada nec. Phasellus viverra nunc nec tristique iaculis. Praesent non ipsum quam. Sed convallis, sem nec congue suscipit, elit quam iaculis nisi, et consequat nisl magna nec odio. Phasellus ac nunc sem. Suspendisse diam dolor, placerat quis nulla ut, laoreet vehicula dui.
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Maecenas vehicula tortor id placerat egestas. Nullam vel tincidunt massa, eget mattis tellus. Etiam eleifend tempus metus sit amet accumsan. Aenean a arcu eu quam ultricies ullamcorper. Aliquam tempus diam blandit diam luctus convallis. Nunc commodo ipsum at pharetra rhoncus. Vivamus vel metus et massa pellentesque efficitur vel ut tellus. Nulla odio metus, interdum ac consectetur ac, lobortis a nisi. Nulla tempus libero mauris, a rhoncus tellus tincidunt ac. Suspendisse vitae augue at dolor tempor lacinia vitae non ante. Morbi commodo, risus a aliquet pellentesque, enim nulla fermentum turpis, non vehicula est dolor a massa.
Donec condimentum tortor et ipsum varius, vel aliquam ligula facilisis. Nam scelerisque nibh mi, eu eleifend tortor vehicula pretium. Donec mattis interdum nibh, non interdum elit. Suspendisse bibendum pellentesque elit, ut sodales augue dictum non. Vestibulum mattis diam eu arcu lobortis rutrum. Praesent consequat eleifend vestibulum. Aenean id nisi vitae enim elementum pulvinar. Morbi fringilla erat et felis egestas aliquam.
Nullam mattis tortor vel malesuada condimentum. Vestibulum ut diam scelerisque, ultrices lacus in, accumsan nisl. Suspendisse facilisis feugiat dolor, eget vestibulum purus porta vel. Ut pellentesque aliquam consectetur. Nam vestibulum vel purus id ultricies. Praesent sodales finibus nisi, non placerat metus scelerisque et. Fusce et erat risus. Aenean sollicitudin suscipit ante. Donec volutpat cursus euismod.
Nullam vulputate dolor eget nisl posuere laoreet. Etiam felis ligula, maximus at eros ornare, convallis pulvinar augue. Ut efficitur diam lacus. Nulla tempor dignissim lacus. Vivamus leo augue, bibendum et fringilla vitae, pulvinar quis tellus. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Sed auctor risus auctor, vestibulum nibh ac, consectetur ex. Quisque tempus nulla sed risus varius, at consequat est dignissim. Curabitur et sollicitudin nunc. Aenean nulla libero, fermentum bibendum tristique ut, facilisis sit amet enim. Phasellus tincidunt maximus orci eu sagittis. Etiam aliquam fringilla bibendum.
Vestibulum varius viverra leo ultrices pharetra. Aenean id hendrerit nisi, quis convallis dui. Nunc eget risus ut elit mollis consectetur et ut nisi. Suspendisse non est nec nunc pulvinar ornare. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Nam ultrices ex at sapien maximus facilisis. Aliquam mollis orci ultricies, pellentesque odio sed, pellentesque dolor. Suspendisse condimentum leo non lectus dapibus, non rhoncus eros sodales. Donec vestibulum hendrerit libero at malesuada. Sed facilisis, ligula nec aliquam commodo, arcu nisl tristique sem, sit amet semper sem metus eget diam. Donec vel metus diam. Mauris semper consequat mauris, posuere elementum dolor cursus et. Interdum et malesuada fames ac ante ipsum primis in faucibus. Integer non ante et lacus volutpat tempus in et odio. Sed euismod dui sed sem dignissim, vel vestibulum massa semper.
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Etiam accumsan ante at arcu tempor, sed dignissim eros fermentum. Morbi at felis imperdiet orci porta porta at eu quam. Proin nec rhoncus urna, a fermentum dolor. Nulla dignissim hendrerit nisl id posuere. Pellentesque pellentesque leo vel quam tempor, vulputate varius neque porttitor. Sed ac tempor elit. Vestibulum in justo a neque efficitur interdum. Quisque vel est tellus. Ut non mollis lorem. Nullam maximus pulvinar enim. Nunc aliquet tellus a nunc tincidunt, et rhoncus elit ultricies. Cras sapien turpis, gravida et vestibulum in, bibendum vel urna. Proin in interdum urna. Nam bibendum sem iaculis dolor efficitur aliquet. Mauris varius tortor consectetur nibh efficitur luctus.
Phasellus sit amet turpis sit amet tortor condimentum auctor sit amet vitae augue. Ut pellentesque eu massa vitae aliquet. Donec congue faucibus velit nec fermentum. Donec non tempor magna, non malesuada enim. Aliquam ornare consectetur mollis. Nulla quis accumsan ipsum, at sollicitudin urna. Curabitur efficitur turpis sem, feugiat dapibus augue mollis euismod. Maecenas bibendum dictum metus ac porttitor. Sed vel porta nibh. Aliquam tempus nisl vel vestibulum imperdiet. Etiam congue varius nunc, et rutrum diam. In vel enim hendrerit, tincidunt arcu non, rutrum justo. Donec volutpat dapibus lobortis.
Pellentesque luctus magna ut dapibus tincidunt. Mauris vel sapien in nisi pellentesque semper. Maecenas nisl purus, lobortis sit amet pellentesque vitae, suscipit elementum lorem. Integer vitae augue in ipsum porta finibus varius et sem. Sed porttitor tempus hendrerit. Vivamus facilisis, risus id pretium lobortis, dui justo pharetra diam, quis convallis arcu metus lobortis orci. Ut viverra tempus congue. Quisque tristique dignissim sapien a vestibulum.
Aenean at nulla eu sapien semper finibus. Aliquam laoreet augue vitae neque ornare mattis. Ut pellentesque pulvinar rhoncus. Ut maximus erat eget ligula bibendum elementum. Vivamus et ex imperdiet, molestie libero at, viverra metus. Fusce accumsan turpis quis elit interdum, sit amet lacinia augue placerat. Proin lectus erat, sodales at fringilla id, tincidunt quis augue. Curabitur sed interdum ipsum, elementum commodo erat. Duis et hendrerit orci. Mauris ac sagittis mi. Proin commodo est et nunc vestibulum aliquet. Nunc et lectus non risus vestibulum sagittis. Proin consectetur, diam vestibulum vulputate tincidunt, massa diam vehicula tortor, id molestie risus risus a nibh.
Praesent sit amet accumsan tortor. Curabitur a libero quis erat eleifend mattis quis ac ex. Sed tempor justo nec justo ultrices faucibus. Proin interdum viverra lectus, sit amet efficitur lacus facilisis quis. Suspendisse quam ex, elementum at luctus ac, finibus vel augue. Sed tellus elit, pharetra non tincidunt ut, maximus non nisl. Donec sed imperdiet magna. Duis a lectus est. Nam tempus sollicitudin rhoncus. Nunc porta, arcu sed sollicitudin placerat, nulla erat rhoncus augue, ut commodo massa justo vel justo. In ultrices faucibus faucibus.
Donec a dignissim odio, quis viverra urna. Sed aliquam diam nec lorem tempor, vitae bibendum quam vulputate. Suspendisse potenti. Interdum et malesuada fames ac ante ipsum primis in faucibus. Curabitur eget viverra leo, a eleifend diam. Aliquam pharetra erat id augue vehicula, a tempor purus tristique. Ut ut leo augue. Vivamus elit nulla, faucibus nec volutpat eu, placerat et nisl. Donec pellentesque lobortis sem.
Maecenas tincidunt ante a lorem dapibus porttitor. Phasellus imperdiet tellus in dui porttitor fermentum. In quis faucibus turpis, ac ornare orci. Nunc pulvinar blandit consectetur. Sed sagittis, nisl sit amet sagittis auctor, leo tellus pulvinar neque, eget commodo neque risus quis velit. Proin sed iaculis enim. Sed dui urna, lobortis et aliquam ac, tristique eu justo. Proin sed finibus lorem, eu euismod urna. Fusce vehicula arcu ante, sit amet egestas velit ullamcorper quis. Sed gravida lorem nisi, sit amet molestie arcu tincidunt vitae. Morbi fringilla cursus mauris a vestibulum. Pellentesque a massa pellentesque, ornare turpis et, euismod nisi. Nulla quis tincidunt nunc. Integer semper leo turpis, eget porttitor dui lobortis non.
Proin porta neque at tempus blandit. Praesent vulputate sapien vitae mauris mattis interdum. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Praesent convallis dictum massa vel dictum. Etiam et porttitor magna. In vitae dignissim tellus. Duis iaculis nunc sed maximus facilisis. Sed a diam consequat, fermentum ligula sit amet, convallis nibh. Sed tristique molestie vestibulum. Proin tincidunt est iaculis, ullamcorper augue ac, consequat augue. Duis efficitur, lectus a tincidunt accumsan, nulla turpis dapibus sapien, ut dictum odio turpis ac risus. Nunc convallis massa eu ornare euismod. Etiam vel sagittis enim. Ut vel suscipit sapien. Proin tempus elit nec arcu porta, in lacinia justo luctus.
Sed erat turpis, molestie quis orci a, ullamcorper porttitor arcu. Duis sagittis nec quam quis placerat. Cras sit amet venenatis nisi. Pellentesque efficitur, nulla nec bibendum tempus, libero est vestibulum dui, porttitor finibus orci neque vitae est. Pellentesque mollis euismod orci, quis pretium neque dignissim eu. Nullam tempor molestie leo eget vulputate. Sed ornare egestas ex, ac placerat lorem porta nec. Integer luctus ligula sed vulputate tincidunt. In efficitur arcu convallis odio volutpat accumsan. Vivamus vitae sem eget tellus aliquet iaculis ac et quam. Nunc ut urna eros. Curabitur efficitur sed eros et semper. Proin pulvinar lacus a dolor viverra dictum. Suspendisse eu quam sit amet tellus laoreet pretium. Vestibulum vestibulum consequat elementum. Quisque maximus sed sem eget auctor.
Vestibulum nec dictum orci. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Sed a quam ligula. Integer interdum lacinia aliquam. Ut dapibus porta nisi sed lobortis. Sed vehicula urna orci. Ut in vestibulum lectus, ut elementum lacus. Nunc maximus, massa id egestas cursus, nisi enim congue ex, et venenatis ligula augue sed quam. Sed vel tempor ante, sed dictum lacus. Suspendisse tincidunt, massa eget egestas iaculis, nisi lectus vehicula quam, ac lacinia justo urna nec risus. Nam finibus ligula sit amet nulla luctus, at pellentesque velit iaculis. Integer cursus augue ante, et luctus lacus sollicitudin vitae. Quisque a odio vitae ex commodo efficitur. Nunc eu viverra eros.
Nullam et dui mi. Nullam accumsan neque nec mollis bibendum. Nullam sed nunc in tellus condimentum aliquet. Maecenas ut dui efficitur, placerat eros eget, laoreet tortor. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Cras pretium ex ac faucibus accumsan. Nulla vitae leo mauris. Suspendisse quis aliquet diam.
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Proin nibh nulla, auctor et pretium eu, interdum eget velit. Aenean elit libero, condimentum sed tincidunt sed, cursus quis lectus. Aliquam faucibus fringilla nulla, eget tincidunt magna vestibulum quis. Morbi at ultrices tortor, sed molestie odio. Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra, per inceptos himenaeos. Praesent sit amet ex justo. Curabitur non libero vel ex varius pellentesque. Aliquam enim sem, consectetur nec eros sed, ornare iaculis metus. Vestibulum eleifend nibh sed urna volutpat semper. Morbi eu imperdiet purus, sed tempus dolor. Praesent et nisl vel ante faucibus scelerisque. Duis ac purus nunc.
Vivamus aliquet lectus commodo augue lacinia lobortis. Fusce vehicula ex ipsum, sit amet interdum diam efficitur ac. Duis a iaculis nunc. Praesent tincidunt rutrum eros pharetra rhoncus. Vestibulum tempus enim a nunc vehicula, vel mollis nunc tempor. Donec eget finibus lorem. Integer ultricies ipsum et euismod rutrum. Aliquam sed odio a turpis ultricies congue vitae eget est. Vestibulum vitae mi lectus. Vestibulum at mi tincidunt, ultrices est ac, scelerisque dolor. Suspendisse vel lorem non nibh interdum feugiat. Vivamus sed dui cursus ipsum mattis lacinia et sed orci. Donec in velit pharetra urna euismod dapibus porttitor et neque. Mauris hendrerit ligula at rhoncus pretium.
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Donec viverra ac urna bibendum varius. Praesent tincidunt sed neque vitae tristique. Vestibulum molestie commodo accumsan. Etiam sit amet sagittis leo. Pellentesque venenatis orci et sollicitudin lacinia. Aenean id malesuada arcu, vel sagittis enim. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Nam ut orci justo. Praesent sit amet imperdiet sapien. Integer elementum luctus ex sit amet porta.
Pellentesque id ex tincidunt, accumsan orci at, tristique leo. Aliquam nisi nulla, euismod in efficitur et, vehicula quis ligula. Aenean libero tellus, iaculis ut felis et, viverra pellentesque ipsum. Sed non tincidunt ipsum. Donec nisi mi, hendrerit sit amet imperdiet et, laoreet vitae nisl. Nunc non erat hendrerit, viverra ante id, accumsan mauris. Fusce porttitor risus arcu, eget euismod elit interdum vitae. Praesent et efficitur lectus. Suspendisse auctor id elit in finibus. Integer vitae lorem nibh. In aliquet ante nec ultrices porta. Proin cursus sollicitudin gravida. Sed pulvinar nulla purus, non facilisis nisi tincidunt id. Aenean placerat faucibus diam, vitae luctus elit volutpat eget. In at nisl et massa lobortis fringilla tincidunt mollis magna. Cras eu tempor mauris.
Maecenas convallis ullamcorper massa, eget blandit eros bibendum id. Suspendisse lobortis mattis enim imperdiet porta. Sed venenatis, justo quis varius viverra, metus orci dapibus felis, sit amet sodales risus urna sit amet mi. Suspendisse posuere finibus nisl ac tempor. Fusce facilisis vehicula lorem id tristique. Quisque nec elementum urna, sed tempus dolor. Fusce dignissim odio ut lacus finibus, in volutpat nibh placerat. Nunc vulputate finibus lectus. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit.
Quisque feugiat quam eu elit tristique, sed venenatis ipsum lacinia. Phasellus fermentum consequat lectus, ac lacinia elit fermentum id. Phasellus libero sapien, placerat quis blandit at, condimentum venenatis ligula. Phasellus sit amet libero commodo, volutpat massa nec, pulvinar lorem. Sed facilisis sed metus sit amet maximus. Nullam ullamcorper leo eget molestie rhoncus. Quisque commodo vel tellus sit amet dictum. Vestibulum eget lobortis ipsum, et dapibus diam.
fantasycurse42, on 06 Oct 2014 - 5:17 PM, said:
fantasycurse42 said:
fantasycurse42, on 06 Oct 2014 - 5:14 PM, said:
fantasycurse42 said:
fantasycurse42, on 06 Oct 2014 - 5:13 PM, said:
fantasycurse42 said:
The opposite is a real classic Seinfeld episode:
Jerry : It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their
handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back
in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got
everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything
that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the
source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of our
jacket. "I have a snot rag."
* We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut to
the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne.
Mr. Lippman : To your promotion.
Elaine : Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
Mr Lippman : Well, you're really on your way now.
* Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently.
Elaine : You really oughtta do something about that cold.
* Cut to Monk's
Jerry : You got a raise?
Elaine : I don't fool around,
baby!
Jerry : I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
Elaine : They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
Jerry : Oh, when did that happen?
Elaine : They're signing the papers next week.
Jerry : Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's
coffee table book?
Elaine : Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.
Jerry : Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
Elaine : Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.
Jerry : Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you.
* Enter George
Jerry : Speaking of having it all ... Where were you?
George : I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange looks )
Jerry : Oh, the beach.
George : It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working.
Jerry : What is it that isn't working?
George : Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
( A
waitress comes up to G )
Waitress : Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.
Elaine : Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George : Good for the tuna.
( A blonde looks at George )
Elaine : Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George : So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine : Go talk to her.
George : Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry : Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do
something!
( He goes over to the woman )
George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
( G takes a deep breath )
George : My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria : I'm Victoria. Hi.
* Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.
Jerry : Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye.
( Enter Kramer )
Kramer : Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!
Jerry : What's happening?
Kramer : The coffee table book. It's a go!
Jerry : Oh yeah, I heard all about it.
Kramer : You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop : Regis and Kathy Lee.
Jerry : You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
Kramer : Oh, you better believe it!
Jerry : I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
Kramer : No,no,no.
Jerry : What're you gonna talk about?
Kramer : Well, coffee tables.
( The phone rings )
Jerry : Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye.
( Turns to K )
Jerry : You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money.
Kramer : You know who you are? Even Steven
*Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving
Victoria : Are you growing a beard?
George : Why shave every day? It just grows right back.
Victoria : I guess ...
George : I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.
( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver )
Victoria : Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?!
George : Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.
* Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria
Man no.1 : Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?
Man no.2 : Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
( They kick G and Victoria's seats )
Victoria : What are we gonna do? Shall we just move?
George : That won't be necessary.
( G gets up and turns towards the two men )
George : Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll
shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
( People applaud as G sits down again )
* Cut to G's car
Victoria : Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty.
George : I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
Victoria : Who are you, George Costanza?
George : I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
* Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone
Theater Manager : Excuse me, is your name Elaine?
Elaine : Yes.
Theater Manager : Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here?
Elaine : Yeah.
Theater Manager : Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
Elaine : An accident? What happened?
Theater Manager : He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent
Hospital, room 907.
Elaine : Oh. Ok. Thank you.
( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter )
Elaine : Could I have a box of Jujyfruit?
* Cut to hospital
Jake : So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.
Elaine : ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening.
( Jake looks at E eating )
Elaine : You want one?
Jake : No thanks.
Elaine : So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
Jake : Where did you get those?
Elaine : At the movies.
Jake : Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?
Elaine : Yeah, he did.
Jake : Then when did you get those?
Elaine : Right after ... that ...
Jake : So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?
Elaine : Well... the counter...was right there, and...
Jake : I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.
Elaine : No, no, it does!
Jake : If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!
Elaine : But...Jake...
Jake : I would like to be alone now, please.
Elaine : But, Jake, I didn't...
Jake : Goodnight!
* Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's having a poker night.
Man no.1 : Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?
Man no.2 : Good idea, I'm kinda tired.
Man no.3 : How'd you do?
Man no.4 : Won 50.
Man no.2 : Lost 72.
Man no.1 : Won 37.
Man no.3 : Lost 15.
Jerry : Broke even.
* Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee"
Regis : Can I bring out our next guest now?
Kathy Lee : Please, please.
Regis : Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part -
Kathy Lee : I love this.
Regis : It's a coffee table book about coffee tables!
Kathy Lee : Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever!
Regis : I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage?
Kathy Lee : I did.
Regis : I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?
Kathy Lee : I love his hair.
Regis : Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer!
( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )
Kathy Lee : I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!
Regis : Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea?
Kramer : Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time.
Regis : You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books!
Kramer : Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!
Kathy Lee : Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one.
Kramer : You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.
( Demonstrates with his book )
Kathy Lee : Is that fabulous?
Regis : Look at this!
Kathy Lee : Is that fabulous?
Regis : Fabulous!
Kathy Lee : I want one of these.
Regis : Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?
Kathy Lee : This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
Kramer : That's true. That's right.
Regis : Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?
Kramer : Oh, it's on
file, right here. ( points to his head )
Regis : I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is!
Kathy Lee : But he's adorable.
( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress )
Regis : We'll be right back.
* Cut to Jerry's apartment
Jerry : So it's all over?
Elaine : Yeah, it got pretty nasty.
Jerry : And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
Elaine : It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.
Jerry : Why didn't you eat it in the cab?
Elaine : Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.
( E points to the table )
Elaine : What's all this?
Jerry : Played cards last night.
Elaine : Oh yeah? How'd you do?
Jerry : Broke even.
Elaine : You always break even.
Jerry : Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out!
Elaine : Do you have twenty bucks?
Jerry : What for?
Elaine : Just gimme twenty bucks.
( E takes the money and throws it out the window )
Jerry : What the hell was that?
Elaine : Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
Jerry : You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back.
Elaine : You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job
promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
Jerry : Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first.
( George comes in )
George : Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
Jerry: Bad.
George : Day was -
Elaine : Night.
George : Yes!
Jerry : So you just did the opposite of everything?
George : Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front
office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
Jerry : So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket )
Jerry : Elaine ... look! A twenty!
Elaine : Oh my God.
* Cut to Mr.Lippman's office
Kramer : Hey boss.
Mr. Lippman : Kramer. Come in.
Kramer : How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian )
Mr. Lippman : Have a seat.
Kramer : What, have you got yourself a cold?
( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )
Kramer : Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
Mr. Lippman : The reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and -
Kramer : It was pretty good, huh?
( New sneeze, K jumps again )
Mr. Lippman : Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more of these shows.
Kramer : Because of the coffee thing?
Mr.Lippman : Kramer, I'm sorry.
Kramer : What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"?
Mr. Lippman : It's out -
Kramer : She's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
Mr. Lippman : Kramer, I -
( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair )
* Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview
Mr. Cushman : Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences?
George : Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Mr. Cushman : Go on.
George : Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Mr. Cushman : Do you talk to everybody like this?
George : Of course.
Mr. Cushman : My niece told me you were different.
George : I am different, yeah.
Mr. Cushman : I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen.
( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair )
Mr. Cushman : Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Mr. Steinbrenner : Nice to meet you.
George : Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Mr. Steinbrenner : Hire this man!
* Cut to Pendant Publishing
Secretary : Tina Robbins is here to see you.
Man : Who's that?
Elaine : Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, but I've been sub-
letting my apartment from her.
Man : Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the door ) Hey.
Tina : Please.
Elaine : Hi Tina.
Tina: Hi Elaine.
Elaine : So, I haven't seen you in a while.
Tina : Elaine, we have a problem.
Elaine : Well, what is it?
Tina : You're getting kicked out.
Elaine : Kicked out?! Why?!
Tina : Well, there's been a number of complaints.
Elaine : Yeah? Like what?
Tina : Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
Elaine : I didn't know who he was!
Tina : That's why there's a buzzer.
Elaine : What else?
Tina : Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.
Elaine : What else have you got?
Tina : Well, let's see. ( Takes out a list from her bag )
* Cut to Monk's
Jerry : I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.
Rachel : I suppose...
Jerry : Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.
Rachel : Jerry ...
Jerry : Yes?
Rachel : I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Jerry : Aha?
Rachel : Well, I don't think we should see each other any more.
Jerry : Oh, that's okay.
Rachel : What?
Jerry : Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else.
Rachel : You will?
Jerry : Sure. See, things always even out for me.
Rachel : Huh?
Jerry : It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And ... good luck!
Rachel : Yeah, you too.
* Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment
Jerry : The New York Yankees?!
George : The New York Yankees!
Jerry : Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
George : I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
Jerry : I can't believe it.
( The door buzzes, J lets E up )
George : And I' moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?
Jerry : That's a great place!
George : I'm back in business, baby!
Jerry : George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out.
George : Hey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful )
Jerry : Hi Elaine.
Elaine : Hi.
Jerry : How're things going?
Elaine : How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment!
Jerry : Why? Why are they doing that?
Elaine : I don't know! They have a list of grievances.
Jerry : The jewel thief?
Elaine : Yeah, the jewel thief.
Jerry : What else?
Elaine : I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. I gotta be out by the end of the month.
George : Well, you could move in with my parents.
Elaine : Was that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between her fingers )
George : Instinct.
Elaine : Stick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps G on the forehead )
Jerry : Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?
* Cut to Pendant Publishing
Secretary : Mr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here.
Mr. Lippman : Alright... tell them I'll be right there. Well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us.
( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...)
( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted him and started talking to him )
Interpreter : Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company.
( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's )
Mr Lippman : I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs.
( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a rather hostile atmosphere )
* Cut to George's parents' house
Jerry : Is that the end of it?
George : Yeah, it's the last one.
Estelle : I can't believe you're moving out. ( Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream.
Kramer : Oh, it's true.
George : Alright, let's go.
Frank : Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead )
George : I'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job.
Estelle : Jerry, did you hear this?
Jerry : He knows what he's doing.
( G pulls both his parents to him )
George : I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.
( K and J look at each other )
Jerry : Opposite.
* Cut to Monk's
Elaine : I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
Jerry : Why'd you have to eat so many?
Elaine : Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
Jerry : Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
Kramer : Yeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose?
Elaine : Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
Jerry : Don't say that.
Elaine : It's true. I'm George! I'm George!
( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit )
George : Greetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits down, says to waitress
Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.
( J and K pay the check )
Kramer : Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours.
Jerry : Ah ... let's call it even.
* Closing monologue
Jerry : Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol And maybe a rag for your squeegee.
One of my favorite George moments:
George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
( G takes a deep breath )
George : My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria : I'm Victoria. Hi.
Marine Biologist is also a good one:
(Open Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone)
Elaine: (to the phone)Well did he bring it up in the meeting?
(Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine)
Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years I've had this T-shirts, it's my
best one, I call him...Golden Boy
Elaine: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry, here
touch Golden Boy!
Elaine: No thanks. (to the phone)Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But see look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly
dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes
the T-shirts such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some
Woolight?
Jerry: No!!! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays
every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away
from him, you break his spirit!
(Elaine is suddenly excited)
Elaine: (to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! this is so fantastic! I'm
so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK I'll be in soon! OK, OK, I'm
coming, yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! (Elaine jumps up and
dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: The guy in the gulag!
Elaine: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it!
Lippman and I are going to the airport to pick him up Thursday in a
limousine!
Jerry: You wanna barrow Golden Boy!
Elaine: Oh! Don't you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy!
Jerry: Hey ya know what I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the
other day, did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was
"War--What Is It Good For?"!
Elaine: Ha ha.
Jerry: No, no.. I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like
the title and insisted him change it to "War and Peace"!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song!
Jerry: That's were they got it from!
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: I'm not joking!
(George enters with a handful of mail)
George: You can't handle the truth!(he salutes)
Jerry: What?
George: I'm working on my Jack Nicholson, You can't handle the truth!(he
solutes)
Elaine: What, is this your mail? (She takes the mail and starts flipping
through)
George: Yeah, I grabbed it on my way, I don't want my mother reading it.
Elaine: Oh! Your Alumni Magazine.
Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What do you mean like post-cards?
George: No, anything.
Jerry: She doesn't open?
George: She'll open!
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What did she say?
George: I was curious!
Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
George: Maybe I can get her locked up.
Elaine: (She looks closer at the mag.) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni
magazine! Listen to this: Jerry Seinfled has appeared on "David
Letterman" and the "Tonight Show" and he did a pilot for NBC called
"Jerry"...that was not picked up. Georgie, why isn't there anything
about you in here?
Jerry: He can't handle the truth!
Elaine: All right.. this is too fun I gotta get back to work.
(Elaine leaves and in the hall she meets up with Kramer, he is holding a set
of golf clubs)
Kramer: Ah, maybe you could use this (he searches through his jacket) Ah,
here, ah, it's an electronic organizer, ah, here it is.
(Elaine Gasps)
Kramer: Yeah you know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments,
everything
Elaine: Wow!
Kramer: It's got an alarm that
beeps!
Elaine: Oh! I can't believe this, Kramer! I've been wanting to get one of
these things! Are you sure...(Kramer drops a piece of paper and
bends over to pick it up and drops balls everywhere) Are you sure you
can't use one of these things??
Kramer: Oh no. I got all my appointments up here. (he points to his head)
Elaine: Where'd you get this?
Kramer: The bank, I opened a new account.
(Back inside Jerry's apartment)
George: Did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
Jerry: No.
George: I'm such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showing how
they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what
a fish!
Jerry: It's a mammal.
George: Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder?
Jerry: Yeah, got it from the bank.
(Kramer enters without his golf bag)
Kramer: (over excited) Hey
George: Hey
Kramer: (still over excited) Who wants to have some fun!
Jerry: I do.
George: I do.
Kramer: (once again, over excited) Are you just sayin' you want to have fun
or do you really want to have fun?!
Jerry: I really wanna have some fun.
George: I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
Kramer: Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got at the driving
range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rock-a-Way
and hit them-----------(very over excited) into the ocean! Now
picture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take
out our
drivers, we tea up and (he makes a golf stroke), that ball
goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then.......
..... gulp!
George: Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?
Jerry: Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you at the
coffee shop.
George: Yeah, I'm gonna go get a paper.
(Kramer gets ready to make another swing)
George: Keep your head down.
(At the automatic teller machine Jerry is getting his money and there is a
woman beside him)
Jerry: Cash advance...yes (he looks over) no (he looks over again)balance
inquiry...no (he looks again) receipt....no (he looks again)
processing...processing...processing.(He opens the box and gets his
money and then looks at the woman and says)I won!
(Jerry starts to walk away)
Diane: Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah
Diane: Diane, Diane DeConn, from college. I've seen you on TV you're doin'
great.
Jerry: Yeah pluggin' along.
Diane: I got the Alumni magazine. Ya know what ever happened to your friend
George? I never see him in there.
Jerry: Well he's kind of modest.
Diane: He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere?
Jerry: Sure.
Diane: Yeah? What field?
Jerry: Marine biology.
Diane: George is a marine biologist?!
Jerry: A pretty damn good one, too!
Diane: I can't believe it I mean I would never had thought..
Jerry: Yeah...he specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the
cholesterol level in whales...all that blubber-- quite unhealthy.
You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says "they
don't have to be."
(In the coffee shop Jerry and George are sitting)
George: Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
Jerry: Something huh?
George: Yeah! How'd she look.
Jerry: She looked great. She asked about you.
George: She did! What did she say?
Jerry: "How's George?"
George: George! She said George? She remembered my name. Diane DeConn
remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!
Jerry: Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with
you.
George: OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna
be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. You
got that.
Jerry: I got no problem with that.
George: Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your
idea of some cute little game...we're finished!
Jerry: Expect a call.
George: Oh my god he's not kidding.
Jerry: Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression the
you are a.....
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.
George: A marine biologist....why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
Jerry: I'm aware of that.
George: So?
Jerry: You don't think it's a good job.
George: I didn't think it was a job.
Jerry: Oh. It's a fascinating field!
George: What if she calls. What will I say?
(In George's parent's house...George is sitting in a chair. He is talking to
Diane on the phone)
George: Algae, obviously plankton, I don't know what else I can tell you, Oh
I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands, I was living
with the turtles.
(In the limo Elaine, Lippman, and Testikov are talkin')
Lippman: We have got you in a very nice hotel, I don't know how you like to
work but I can arrange for an
office if you want.
Testikov: I will work in hotel...much better. I will work away from all the
penny bickering and interference.
Lippman: You know Tolstoy use to write in the village square. The faces
inspired him.
Testikov: He didn't need any inspiration....God spoke through his pen.
Elaine: That is so true! Although one wonders if "War and Peace" would has
been as highly acclaimed as it was if it was published under it's
original name "War---What Is It Good For?"
Lippman: What?
Elaine: Yes. Mr. Lippman. It was his mistress who insisted he called it
"War and Peace." "War--What Is It Good For."(sang) Absolutely
nothin'! (spoken to Testikov)that's the song that they got from
Tolstoy.
Lippman: I'm sorry, it's just her sense of humor.
(Elaine's organizer starts beeping)
Testikov: What is that noise!
Lippman: What is that?
Elaine: It's coming from my purse. It must be my new organizer, here.
Lippman: Elaine...here!
Testikov: Turn it off.
Lippman: It's the top one!
Elaine: I'm trying!
Testikov: HERE!
(He throws it out the window of the limo)
(On the beach Kramer is getting ready to hit a ball. He swings and misses.
He looks for it in the air and the notes that it is still on the
ground. Then he goes nuts)
Jerry: I did it for you.
George: Yeah, but what did you have to tell her that for. You put me in a
very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable
with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know
what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands
livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the
squeaking and the squealing.
George: Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always
wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well I'm supposed to see
her tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her what's goin on. Maybe she likes
me for me.
(Kramer bangs into the room with his golf clubs)
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs) I don't want em!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and
I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out!
Jerry: Well what happened?
Kramer: I have no concentration!
(Kramer starts to scratch his body and rip his coat off)
Jerry: What, what, what's wrong with you?
Kramer: Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (Looking down his shirt) Look there
is still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the
pockets!
(He empties his pocket and tons of sand falls out)
Jerry: Hey you're getting it all over the floor!
(Karma falls over as the phone rings)
Jerry: (to the phone)Hello....yeah....yes it is....really....oh. Can you
hold on a second? (to George and Kramer) Hey listen to this, some
woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me
to help track down the owner.
George: How'd she find it?
Jerry: It hit her in the head!
(Woman on the phone and Jerry are sitting in the coffee shop)
Corinne: So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the
sudden this thing come flying out off no were and cunks me right on
the head.
Jerry: Ya.
Corinne: Yeah, So they took me to the hospital and they put me in this thing
that fells like a coffin for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been
in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!
Jerry: Well you have insurance...
Corinne: I wish!
Jerry: Unbelievable!
Corinne: Yeah.
(Organizer beeps)
Jerry: What is with this thing.
Corinne: I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you can see why I
would be interested in finding this person.
Jerry: Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that.
(Organizer beeps again)
Corinne: (shouting at the top of her lungs)Stop it! Stop it!
Jerry: Let me have a look at this thing.
Corinne: Yeah know somebody told me they thought they saw it coming out of
a limousine.
Jerry: Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can.
Corinne: Boy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button.
Jerry: I would like to know what my name is doin in this creep's organizer
to begin with.
Corinne: Ya.
Jerry: Who do I even know that would have been in a limousine yesterday
anyway. OHHHH!
(In the hallway Elaine knocks on Kramer's door, he answers)
Kramer: Oh, hey.
Elaine: Hey, "great" organizer that you gave me.
(Kramer is still itching cause the sand)
Kramer: Oh, you like it huh.
Elaine: It wouldn't stop beeping in the car so Testikov through it out the
window.
Kramer: Oh.
Elaine: I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm
lost now, Kramer.
(He goes crazy again)
Elaine: What, what is it?
Kramer: The sand, it's everywhere!
Elaine: OK I'll see you later.
(Kramer closes the door and Jerry walks up to his door)
Jerry: Oh, there you are!
Elaine: There you are!
Jerry: So?
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So what do you have to say for yourself?
Elaine: So what do you have to say for yourself?
(Jerry unlocks the door and they both walk in and close the door)
Jerry: Why should I have anything for say for myself?
Elaine: "War-- What is it go for?"!
Jerry: Ha Ha, who told you?
Elaine: Ha ha ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted to name his book "War-- What
Is IT Good For?"?
Elaine: Ya know what happened?
Jerry: Can I take a guess?
Elaine: Please.
Jerry: Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?
(Elaine pushes Jerry)
Elaine: What, how did you know that?
Jerry: Because I know who has it.
Elaine: What, how did you find it?
Jerry: Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name in
it, called me up, and we met!
Elaine: Well where is it, give it to me!
Jerry: I don't have it!
Elaine: Why not.
Jerry: Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the
hospital bill.
Elaine: But I didn't do Testikov did it, he should have to pay for it!
Jerry: How much is Testikov getting from Pendman for this book?
Elaine: One million.
Jerry: Well that's a start.
(George and Diane are walking on the beach)
George: Then of course with evolution the octopus lost the nostrils and took
on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look
really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to be.
Diane: Really?
George: Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things like...
architecture...
(At the hotel that Testikov is staying at)
Jerry: You know what room Testikov's in?
Elaine: Ya, 308. I'm crazy for doing this!
Jerry: Well, you want to get your organizer back don't you?
Elaine: Why are you so interested, you want to take her out?
Jerry: You know when Super Man saves someone no one asks if he's trying to
hit on her!
Elaine: Well you're not Super Man.
Jerry: Well you're not Louis Lane.
Elaine: Oh. Listen, you have the tape-recorder.
Jerry: Ya, are you sure you want to do this.
Elaine: Ya I got to get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the
"New England Journal Of Medicine" I'm not going to pay for it.
Jerry: Ah, here she comes.
(Corinne enters through the hotel door)
Jerry: Hi, Elaine, this is Corinne.
Elaine: Hi, you got the organizer?
(The organizer starts to beep as Corinne opens her coat to show the organizer in her inside coat pocket)
Jerry: All right lets go. We'll meet you back here in ten minutes hopefully
with the money.
(At the beach George and Diane are still walking)
Diane: Your parents must be so proud of you, George.
George: Oh, they're busting!
(there is a large crowd of men and women)
Diane: What are those people doing over there?
(In Testikov's hotel room there is a knock and he goes to answer it. He
opens it up and it is Jerry and Elaine)
Testikov: (In a loud and cranky voice) What, What is it! Oh! Come in. That
is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring
guest for my entertainment?
Elaine: Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. He accompanied me, ya know, single
woman alone in a big city could be dangerous.
Jerry: Yes. That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble and
zip, I'm gone.
Testikov: Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. The Americans and their sneakers.
Always running from something. Well, sit stop running, two minutes
and I'll give you the latest manuscript!
(They both sit down and Jerry picks out a very large book from the coffee
table)
Jerry: Oh! Ramscy<?>, great great book if I my say so sir. I almost read the
whole thing.
(Corinne is standing in the hotel lobby smoking while the organizer is still
beeping)
Corinne: What!
Hotel Clerk: If you can't thing off I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Corinne: I'm waitin for two people!
Hotel Clerk: Well you can wait for them outside.
Corinne: Yeah I guess I'd better. Wouldn't want to take any attention away
from the hookers!
Hotel Clerk: All right, All right. Out, Out.
Corinne: What ever you say Cro..w-well!
(On the beach George and Diane are standing with the crowd)
Diane: What's going on over here?
Woman at beach: There is a beached whale, she's dying.
Voice: Is anyone here a marine biologist?
(In Testikov's room)
Testikov: Here is the latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same
place. On time please.
Jerry: It was nice meeting you, real pleasure!
Elaine: Oh, by the way Mr. Testikov do you remember the other day when we
were in the limo and my organizer started beeping and you threw it
out the window?
Testikov: How could I forget?
Elaine: Well would you believe that it hit actually somebody in the head.
Jerry: Right in the head!
Elaine: Boing!
(The tape-recorder in Elaine's purse starts to squeak)
Testikov: (Shouting)What is that noise!
Elaine: Um ,nothing.
Testikov: What is the noise!
(He grabs the purse)
Elaine: Hey that's my purse!
(He pulls out the recorder)
Testikov: A recorder!
Elaine: No that's a radio..
Testikov: You were spying on me!
Elaine: No I wasn't.
(He throws the recorder out of the hotel window)
(Corinne is standing outside of the hotel and looks up to see the
tape-recorder falling to hit her in the head)
(Kramer is standing at his window knocking his boot on the windowsill trying
to get the sand out but he drops it)
(Newman is walking down the street whistling but he stops and looks up and he
yells as the boat hits him in the head)
(At the beach everyone is yelling at George)
Crowd: Come on! Save the whale! Hurry up it's gonna die!
Diane: Save the whale George... for me.
(He turns and throws his hat down. He walks into the ocean)
(At the coffee shop Jerry and Kramer are awaiting the story)
George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I
was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the
breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine
intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry
at that moment I was a marine biologist!
(Elaine enters and sits down)
Elaine: George I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing!
George: I know I was just telling them the story.
Kramer: Come on George, finish the story.
George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to
return soup at a deli!
(Jerry gives Kramer a "what the h-" glance)
George: I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast
appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a
foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said,
"Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized
something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing
I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!
(George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball)
(Jerry and George just stare at Kramer)
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one eh.
Jerry: Well the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1.
Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We
both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so
beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a
marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.
Jerry: All right lets go.
Elaine: Are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: No, I just got my laundry back.
Elaine: Ohhh! GoldenBoy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine: I'm sorry.
Jerry: This is GoldenBoy's son, BabyBlue.
Kramer: What's with you?
George: Sand. It's everywhere
(End)
Always was a fan of the Andrea Doria episode... Feel like this is an underrated one, anyways, enjoy:
[setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry's sitting at the table, reading the paper. George bursts into the room)
GEORGE: Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out!
JERRY: (Gets up) Get out!
GEORGE: I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.
JERRY: (Looks around his apartment) Is it better than mine?
GEORGE: (Definite) Oh yeah.
JERRY: So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?
GEORGE: You know what? it's better than Elaine's, too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone)
JERRY: She's out.
GEORGE: (Stops) Oh right, the blind date.
JERRY: Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers.
GEORGE: Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll take you two minutes.
JERRY: I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage.
GEORGE: (Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in closet. (Smiles)
JERRY: (Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying.
GEORGE: (Laughs as they leave) It's working already! (Both exit)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Manhattan Mini-storage]
(Jerry and Kramer both go up to a unit door. Kramer's pulling a wagon full of junk. He starts to cough uncontrollably)
JERRY: (Disgusted) What is with that?!
KRAMER: Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs being in the air)
JERRY: (Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) Where is your key?
KRAMER: Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it.
JERRY: You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you.
KRAMER: Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman. (Starts coughing again)
(Jerry opens the door, mail bags start spilling out of the unit)
JERRY: (Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail in here?
KRAMER: (Looks at the bags on the floor) Evidently.
(Scene ends)
[setting: George's new apartment]
(George is moving in. The place is bare. A woman walks in while he's attempting to hang a lamp near the fire place)
RICARDI: Excuse me, George?
GEORGE: (Looks at her) Yeah, uh, no menus. (Waves her off)
RICARDI: (Moves into the apartment, hand out) No, I'm Mrs. Ricardi - president of the tenant's association.
GEORGE: Oh, right! (Shakes her hand) Right! Hey, hey.. I love the floors in here. It's like a gymnasium in here! Try and guard me! (Dribbles an imaginary ball
tward Mrs. Ricadi. She backs off defensively) Come on! (Stops and laughs right before running into her)
RICARDI: No, no.. (Laughs nervously) Uh, George, unfortunately, Clarance Eldridge in 8C has decided that he wants the apartment.
GEORGE: (Let down) Yeah, but you - you promised it to me.
RICARDI: Yes, but, you see - Mister Eldridge is an Andrea Doria survivor. And, in light of the terrible suffering that he's already been through, we've decided to
give it to him.
GEORGE: (Depressed) Well,.. the Andrea Doria.. that was quite a fire. (Moves to the door, leaving)
RICARDI: (Correcting) Shipwreck.
GEORGE: I remember.. (Leaves)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Restaurant]
(Elaine is sitting alone, waiting for her date - Alan. She's thinking to herself)
ELAINE: Where is this guy?! (Checks her
watch) I hate this! (Sighs) I shoulda brought something to read.. (Picks up a sugar packet) "Cancer in labratory animals"..
huh.
(A waiter approaches)
WAITER: Excuse me, Elaine Benes?
ELAINE: Yeah?
WAITER: An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. (Pause) He's been stabbed.
ELAINE: (Shocked) Stabbed?!
WAITER: More bread?
(Scene ends)
[setting: Jerry's apartment]
JERRY: (Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?
ELAINE: That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!
JERRY: Did you find out who stabbed him?
ELAINE: Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.
JERRY: (Like a father) Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore.
ELAINE: Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned
on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. kind of a compliment.
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: (Coughs) Hey. How's everybody? (Moves to the kitchen)
JERRY AND ELAINE: Hey.
KRAMER: Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the food)
JERRY: There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor.
KRAMER: (Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so
Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.
JERRY: (In awe. Whispering) The botched it?
KRAMER: (Complaining) I'm even more potent now!
(Jerry gives his "That's a shame" face. George enters)
GEORGE: Hey.
JERRY: Hey. How's the new place?!
GEORGE: Gone. (Moves over to a chair in the living room. Kramer takes the carton of food to the table, and begins eating) The tenant association made me give it
to this guy because he was an Andrea Doria survivor..
ELAINE: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?
JERRY: (Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.
ELIANE: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
JERRY: (Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
GEORGE: (Talking about his would-be apartment) You could fit 15 people in that bathroom..
ELAINE: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.
KRAMER: (Like a teacher) The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm in dense fog 21 miles off the coast of Nantucket. (Makes a clicking sound with his
tongue)
(Everyone's taken back by Kramer's knowledge)
GEORGE: How do you know?
KRAMER: it's in my
book - "Astonishing Tales of the Sea" 51 people died.
GEORGE: 51 people?!
KRAMER: That's it?! I thought it was, like, a thousand!
KRAMER: There were 1,650 survivors.
GEORGE: That's no tragedy! How many people do you lose on a normal cruse? 30? 40?! Kramer, can I take a look at that book? (Starts walking tward the door.
Kramer grabs his food, and follows)
KRAMER: Oh yeah. I also got "Astounding Bear Attacks"
(George opens the door, and enters Kramer's apartment. Jerry stops Kramer before he can do the same)
JERRY: Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail outta there?
KRAMER: Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, he's not gonna do it. (Leaves)
(Jerry nods his head - like it was expected)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Newman's apartment]
(Jerry knocks on the door as it opens slowly. Newman's sitting on the couch, watching TV in a state of depression)
JERRY: Newman?
NEWMAN: (Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.
JERRY: Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my storage unit.
NEWMAN: Sometimes we don't get what we want.
JERRY: (Confused) What are you talking about?
NEWMAN: I didn't get my transfer.
JERRY: "Transfer"?
NEWMAN: To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm
hanging it up.
JERRY: You quit the post
office?
NEWMAN: Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail.
JERRY: Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal.
NEWMAN: And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.
JERRY: (Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Central Park]
(Kramer's sitting on a
bench coughing. A man walking some dogs passes. A coughing other than Kramer's can be heard. Kramer stops the man)
KRAMER: Ok, hold on there.. That's a nasty cough you got there, huh?
MAN: What cough?
(One of his dogs, Smuckers, coughs. Kramer reacts while pointing to the dog)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Restaurant]
(Elaine's on a date with Alan)
ELAINE: I love shrimp! (Waves her knife around as she's talking) I'm a shrimp eater. You put shrimp infront of me, (Waves her knife along with her hand gestures.
Alan is getting edgy about it, and even more so with every wave) and I will eat it until my stomach pops! (Notices Alan's unsettled) Oh.. (Puts the knife down)
ALAN: No, it's okay. I'm.. still just a little bit jumpy.
ELAINE: (Leans in close) Between you and me, what happened there with the stabbing?
ALAN: Just.. one of those things, you know.
ELAINE: What? Was she just so crazy in love with you that she just couldn't take it anymore? Or..?
ALAN: I don't know. Could be.
(A woman, Carol, passes. She stops infront of Elaine and Alan's table)
CAROL: Alan?!
ALAN: Carol?
(Carol grabs his hot coffee, and throws it in his face, then storms off. Alan screams from the pain)
ELAINE: (Gets up, pointing after Carol) Was that the one?! Was that the one who stabbed you?!
ALAN: (Between screams) No, that was a different girl.
(Elaine looks confused. Scene ends)
[setting: Coffee shop]
JERRY: There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?
ELAINE: Right, so, I called my friend, you know - the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper.
JERRY: Mmm.. Bad how?
ELAINE: (Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them.
JERRY: (Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do?
ELAINE: Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.
JERRY: (Agreeing) What's more important?
(Elaine shrugs, then Jerry shrugs, then Elaine, then they both get into sort of a shrug-off)
(Scene ends)
[setting: NYC Street]
(While Kramer's walking with his new found dog, Smuckers, he meets up with George. Kramer and the dog both start coughing)
KRAMER: (Between coughs) Hey.
GEORGE: What's with the dog?
KRAMER: (Petting Smuckers) Yeah, this is Smuckers. I borrowed him. (Starts coughing)
GEORGE: Oh..
(Smuckers coughs)
KRAMER: (Pointing at the dog) Yeah, we share the same affliction, so I'm gonna have a vet check us out.
GEORGE: A vet?
KRAMER: Oh, I'll take a vet over an M.D. any day. They gotta be able to cure a (Snaps his fingers in rhythm with his words) lizard, a chicken, a pig, a frog (Stops
snapping) - all on the same day.
GEORGE: So, if I may jump ahead - you're gonna take dog medicine?
KRAMER: (Smiling) You bet we are! Huh, Smuckers? (Smuckers coughs. They turn to leave) I'll see ya.
(Scene ends)
[setting: George's apartment building]
(George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his new apartment. George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book)
GEORGE: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
ELDRIDGE: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
GEORGE: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? (Laughs)
ELDRIDGE: (Defensively) We had to abandon ship.
GEORGE: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
ELDRIDGE: The boat sank.
GEORGE: (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence. (Pause) So,
uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this
beauty?
ELDRIDGE: Is that what this is all about?! I don't think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind him)
GEORGE: (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha!
(Scene ends)
[setting: Vet's office]
(Smuckers is getting examined by a vet)
VET: What are the symptoms?
KRAMER: Well, uh.. it hurts when he swallows. Expecially when he drinks orange juice. (Vet gives him a look) I mean, uh.. dog food.. juice. (Adding) What's
worse - he has a nagging cough. (Smucker's coughs) Yeah, that's it. That's it.
VET: Yeah, well, uh - we've been seeing a lot of this lately. Been drinking from the toilet?
KRAMER: (Offended) What? No. That's disgusting..
(Scene ends)
[setting: Coffee shop]
ALAN: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?
ELAINE: (Confused by his sudden change-of-heart) What? Break-up? We went out on one date.
ALAN: (Fast) Ok, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say.
ELAINE: (Shows no sign that she cares) Alright, good. Good.
ALAN: Ok, then, well, So.. see ya around.. big head. (Gets up to leave)
ELAINE: Pardon?
ALAN: You got a big head. It's too big for your body. (Walks for the door)
ELAINE: (Laughing out loud) That's it?! (Laughs again) That's the best you got?! (Laughs loudly as Alan exits)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Jerry's apartment]
GEORGE: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've
been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza".
GEORGE: (Interested) I should!
JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!
JERRY: You're the man!
(There's an urgent knocking at the door. Jerry answer it. Newman's standing in the doorway)
NEWMAN: Jerry!
JERRY: I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with
George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?
GEORGE: Nah, I guess I should really get moving on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves)
JERRY: (Angered) Hello.. Newman.
NEWMAN: (Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?!
JERRY: What's the difference?
NEWMAN: The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!
JERRY: Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it.
NEWMAN: Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be
stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead.
JERRY: You're giving up that easy?
NEWMAN: I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya.
JERRY: (Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!
NEWMAN: (Intrigued) What are you proposing?
JERRY: (Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!
NEWMAN: An alliance?
JERRY: (Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry's sorting mail out on his table)
ELAINE: Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?
JERRY: (Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to
play with my toys.
ELAINE: Well, anyway, get this: I spoke to Alan. You know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me "big head".
JERRY: "Big head" (Scoffs) That's almost a compliment.
ELAINE: (Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.
(The phone rings. Jerry answers it)
JERRY: Hello?
GEORGE: (On the other line) Hey.
JERRY: Hey, George.
GEORGE: Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.
JERRY: You can't make it?
GEORGE: Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya.
JERRY: Alright. (Hangs up)
ELAINE: Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?
JERRY: (Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.
ELAINE: (Gives a "That's a shame" face) Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of
Kramer's coughs, then walks off)
JERRY: Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that?
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket) I got some pilss. They taste terrible.
JERRY: (Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em.
KRAMER: (Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too tender.
JERRY: Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner with his dog)
KRAMER: I don't want to!
(Jerry forces Kramer onto the couch. Kramer resists violently - much like a dog would)
JERRY: C'mon. Just sit down!
KRAMER: (Squirming) Jerry! What?!
JERRY: Sit down! Sit down!
KRAMER: (Struggling) Hey!
JERRY: Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it!
(Jerry forces the pill into Kramer's mouth, then holds Kramer's mouth shut for a few moments. Thinking Kramer's already swallowed it, he lets go. Instantly, Kramer
spits the pill out into the air. Jerry sighs, giving up)
JERRY: (Reads the pill bottle) What kind of pills are these, anyways?! "For Smuckers"? "May cause panting and loss of fur"? (Turns to Kramer) These are dog
pills!
KRAMER: Whe have the same symptoms.
JERRY: But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor.
KRAMER: No, no. No doctors.
JERRY: Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his coat)
KRAMER: Where are you going?
JERRY: I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go?
KRAMER: I don't know..
JERRY: (Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) Huh? C'mon! C'mon!
(Kramer eagerly gets up and runs out the door. Jerry follows Kramer out)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Taxi cab]
(Elaine's riding in the back seat of a taxi)
DRIVER: Lady, could you move your head a little bit?
ELAINE: What?
DRIVER: Your head. I can't see out the back. (Elaine slumps down in her seat) Little more.. (Elaine slumps lower) ..Little more. (Slides down until just her eyes and
forehead can be seen) Thank you.
(Scene ends)
[setting: Jerry's car]
(Jerry is driving to an unknown destination. Kramer is restless in the back. He's scrambling around, looking out the windows - just as a dog would)
KRAMER: I don't see any tissues back her.. (Looks out the windows) Wait a minute!.. (Jerry looks like he's trying to keep something from Kramer) This isn't the
way to the park! (Starts getting even more energetic) Where are we going?.. I recognize this block! (Looks at Jerry, scared) You're taking me to the doctor!
(Scene ends)
[setting: Coffee shop]
(George is at the coffee shop with his parents)
GEORGE: So, uh, Mom, Dad, I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood a little clearly..
ESTELLE: I feel a draft. (Grabs the bread basket and her drink) Let's change tables.
FRANK: Get outta here! We have a booth.
ESTELLE: Frank, I'm cold!
FRANK: Order a hot dish.
ESTELLE: Why can't we sit over there? (Points to a table)
FRANK: (Yelling) That's not a booth!
ESTELLE: (Trying to match Frank's loudness) So, who says we have to sit in a booth?!
FRANK: (Loud shouting) I didn't take the subway all the way to New York to sit at a table like that! (Gestures to the table)
ESTELLE: (Nagging yell) Well, I didn't take the subway to be in a drafty restaurant!
(A moment passes)
GEORGE: (Pleading for them to stop) Mom.. dad.
FRANK: Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood?
GEORGE: (Fed up with his parents) Actually, I think I'm pretty clear on it.
FRANK: (Looks up) Where's that breeze coming from?
(Scene ends)
[setting: NYC Street]
(Jerry's car is parked outside of the doctor's office. Kramer refuses to get out of the car)
JERRY: Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!
KRAMER: No, Jerry!
JERRY: Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying to pull him out of the car)
KRAMER: No! Don't!
(Jerry pulls Kramer out onto the sidewalk. Kramer quickly gets up and takes off - running down the street)
JERRY: Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer!
(Scene ends)
[setting: Tenant board room]
(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is bored to death. He's leaning back in his
chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display how bored he is)
ELDRIDGE: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the
sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.
RICARDI: (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.
(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes George's seat in the corner)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Newman's apartment]
(Jerry enters. Newman has an ice pac on his ankle)
JERRY: Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?
NEWMAN: Kramer bit me!
JERRY: Bit you?!
NEWMAN: We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! I don't think I can do my route -
and they're awarding the transfer in two days!
JERRY: (Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?
NEWMAN: You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver mail!
JERRY: Well, why not?
NEWMAN: (Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes..
JERRY: What am I gonna wear?
NEWMAN: I could give you my uniform from my rookie year.
JERRY: (Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman!
(Scene cuts to Jerry on Newman's route. He's walking along a city street with a mail cart. He stops infront of a store owner brooming the sidewalk)
JERRY: (Hands him some mail) There you go. Merry Chirstmas!
OWNER: Mail on Sunday?
JERRY: (Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, then keeps walking)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Tenant board room]
(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)
GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a
Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts
to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing
statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short,
stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi
is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying
erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Newman's apartment]
(Jerry returns to get another bag of mail)
JERRY: Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, "Photographs - Do not bend".
NEWMAN: "Do not bend". (Laughs evilly) Just crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand..
very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)
JERRY: What?
NEWMAN: That was the Vice President of the post office. I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route!
JERRY: How did they know?!
NEWMAN: (Stands up) Too many people go their mail! Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the 50% barrier! It's like the 3-minute mile!
JERRY: (Pleading) I tried my best!
NEWMAN: Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman then tears the post office
badge from Jerry's coat)
JERRY: You know, this is your coat.
NEWMAN: (Realizing) Damn!
(Scene ends)
[setting: Central park]
(Elaine passes a man on a bench. All the sudden, a bird flies right into Elaine's head, and falls to the ground. The bird regains it's balance, and flies off. The man on
the bench is staring in awe)
MAN 2: He flew right into your head. Like he couldn't avoid it.
ELAINE: (Rubbing her head to relieve the pain) Really?
MAN 2: Never seen that before. Bird into a woman's head..
(Elaine covers her head with her hands, and runs off)
(Scene ends)
[setting: Coffee shop]
GEORGE: It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on.
JERRY: Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. (George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment?
GEORGE: They're making their decision today.
(Elaine enters. She has a scarf over her head - trying to tie her hair down. She looks angered at something)
JERRY: What's the matter with you?
ELAINE: Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant freak-head. (Sits down)
JERRY: What giant freak-head?
ELAINE: (Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple!
JERRY: So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing right into his hands!
ELAINE: (Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or
jam a fork into his forehead.
JERRY: (Casually, sarcastic) Either way.
ELAINE: (Getting up to leave) Alright.
(Scene ends)
[setting: Restaurant]
ALAN: I want to apologize for..
ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) Oh, please.
ALAN: So you have a big head.
ELAINE: (Casually playing along) So what?
ALAN: It goes well with that bump in your nose.
ELAINE: (Suddenly angry) What?!
(Scene cuts to the outside of the restaurant. A woman runs out of the restaurant and stops a passing Kramer)
WOMAN: Please! Get help! There's a crazy big-headed woman beating up some guy! Tell the police "The Old Mill Restaurant". Hurry!
(Kramer takes off running down the street, looking for a cop. He meets up with two officers exiting an ice cream shop. Before he can tell them the urgent message,
he starts coughing uncontrollably)
COP: Boy, that's some cough you got there.
(Kramer keeps coughing while making gestures)
COP 2: No, I think he's trying to tell us something. What is it? (Between coughs, Kramer manages to say the word "trouble") Trouble?! Trouble? Where? Where's
trouble? (Kramer coughs out the words "Old Mill") Trouble at the Old Mill?! Oh my god! Good boy, good boy! Lead the way! Come on.
(Kramer starts running back to the restaurant, the cops following him)
(Scene ends)
[setting: George's apartment building]
(George enters the hallway only to find that a bandaged-up Alan is moving boxes into George's would-be-apartment)
GEORGE: Excuse me, uh, what are you doing in there?
ALAN: I'm moving in. Alan Mercer. New neighbor. (They shake hands)
GEORGE: What? Elaine's big-head guy? They have you the apartment?!
ALAN: Yeah.
GEORGE: Why?! Because you were stabbed, and.. got coffee thrown in your face, and.. uh.. (Points to Alan's bandaged forehead)
ALAN: Oh, fork in the forehead.
GEORGE: That's why they gave you the apartment?
ALAN: No, I just gave the super 50 bucks.
GEORGE: Wait a minute, that is my apartment. I earned it with 34 years of misery!
ALAN: Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his new apartment, and slams the door on George)
(George starts acting self-conscious about his chin - much like Elaine and her head)
END OF SHOW.
