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What to do when your teenager seems to start "drifting" (1 Viewer)

Andy Dufresne

Andy Dufresne

Footballguy
I know I've got it made compared to a lot of situations, but I'm starting to see some warning signs with my kid's behavior and I'm wondering if people have encountered a like situation.

My daughter is 17. Generally she's pretty responsible. Gets mostly A's and B's (carrying a 3.5). Works at a karate school and has her 3rd degree belt. She's kind of a sanguine personality - which is part of the problem, I think. She's not the most focused of people.

I'm not terribly excited about the friends she has. We found that she was texting at 3 AM-ish for several days during the school year. You could see that she was exhausted. This led to me taking her phone away. Her reaction to that was using one of the internet text methods, but she wasn't smart enough to close the window that told one of her friends "I'm going to have to find a new way to text at night because my dad is monitoring my texts on my phone". Which led to a REAL blowup (trust is a big thing with me and I hate being lied to). I told her that I didn't want to have to look through her text messages but she wasn't leaving me with much choice.

The latest thing is an exchange she had with a friend where he said "So and so said we need to 'pop your weed cherry'" to which she simply replied "Okay". :eek:

We had a meeting with a college planner that she showed almost no interest in as she sat there. We're trying to find out if she even wants to go to college and the reaction is mostly "Meh".

Anyway, it's not any one major thing that concerns me, just a few reddish flags.

Am I overreacting? Should I just let it play out or should I be more strict? She has a lot of spare time on her hands and I'm thinking of making her get another part time job. Is it better to step in and give direction rather than let your 17 year old choose it?

 
Teens have made bad deicision making into an art form. Since my oldest child is 3, I don't really qualify on how to raise a teen yet, but just keep trying to help without being too intrusive.

 
Kal El said:
Teens have made bad deicision making into an art form. Since my oldest child is 3, I don't really qualify on how to raise a teen yet, but just keep trying to help without being too intrusive.
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That's the line I'm trying to straddle.

I know that I spent too much time working when I was younger and not enough time having fun. I mean I was ALWAYS either studying or playing sports. Always. I wish I'd have spent more time with family/friends.

But at the same time, her having almost NO focus on what she's supposed to do is irritating at least and frightening at worst.

Plus I've got a younger son that's as lazy as he is smart, which means he's good at both. There's a precedent that's going to be set here.

 
She sounds like a good kid to me. Decent grades, stays busy, works part time. I say give her rope. Don't be more strict. She will rebel. Talk to her. Let her know your concerns.

 
I don't have teenagers yet, but I would think the 'sink or swim' talk approach with a soon to be graduating senior is appropriate. How she needs to pick some path and work toward it, whether college, job etc. You aren't going to let he 'meh' her way into adulthood.

 
mr roboto said:
I don't have teenagers yet, but I would think the 'sink or swim' talk approach with a soon to be graduating senior is appropriate. How she needs to pick some path and work toward it, whether college, job etc. You aren't going to let he 'meh' her way into adulthood.
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We've been talking to her about that. We don't really mind if she doesn't go to college - as long as she has some sort of alternate plan or knows what the ramifications are if she doesn't.

This seems to be evolving into the stereotypical "straight laced parents are shocked when they find their child isn't as straight laced as they are" situation.

 
(If this is true) I would tell her that you're not monitoring her phone because you don't trust her, you're monitoring her simply because staying up until 3am texting can be really damaging to her when she's waking up at 7am to go to school, and you're looking out for her. Hell, being up that late is damaging to anyone who is doing anything before 12.

Then you can tie that into how it affects whatever her plans are for when she graduates. Have an honest discussion with her and tell her you're not judging the way she is leaning (and obviously try not to) but she's on the verge of being an adult so you're treating her like one and having an adult conversation.

Ignore the weed stuff. There's nothing you can do besides make that worse.

 
We've been lucky with our oldest (son, going to be a sophomore in HS). He's bright and relatively engaged. His main problem is laziness which means that he gets a few Bs in courses where he should really get As, but I was exactly the same way when I was his age. No serious worries.

Our youngest (daughter, heading into 7th grade) is going to be more troublesome. She's much more strong-willed and becomes bull-headed when she gets frustrated or ticked, which happens a lot. She also enjoys creating dramatic situations starring herself. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do when she hits high school. Probably "drink more" but my liver will collapse upon itself like a neutron star. Maybe hard drugs.

 
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RUSF18 said:
(If this is true) I would tell her that you're not monitoring her phone because you don't trust her, you're monitoring her simply because staying up until 3am texting can be really damaging to her when she's waking up at 7am to go to school, and you're looking out for her. Hell, being up that late is damaging to anyone who is doing anything before 12.

Then you can tie that into how it affects whatever her plans are for when she graduates. Have an honest discussion with her and tell her you're not judging the way she is leaning (and obviously try not to) but she's on the verge of being an adult so you're treating her like one and having an adult conversation.

Ignore the weed stuff. There's nothing you can do besides make that worse.
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This is about the way I would handle it.

 
mr roboto said:
I don't have teenagers yet, but I would think the 'sink or swim' talk approach with a soon to be graduating senior is appropriate. How she needs to pick some path and work toward it, whether college, job etc. You aren't going to let he 'meh' her way into adulthood.
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:goodposting: Letting her find out just how unforgiving the world is when you're unprepared for it, or at least giving her a taste of that, may help her make up her mind.
 
Kal El said:
mr roboto said:
I don't have teenagers yet, but I would think the 'sink or swim' talk approach with a soon to be graduating senior is appropriate. How she needs to pick some path and work toward it, whether college, job etc. You aren't going to let he 'meh' her way into adulthood.
Click to expand...
:goodposting: Letting her find out just how unforgiving the world is when you're unprepared for it, or at least giving her a taste of that, may help her make up her mind.
Click to expand...
How would I do that? That was where I was thinking making her get a lousy job would have an impact.

She worked at McD's over the summer last year and hated it.

 
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Andy Dufresne said:
Kal El said:
mr roboto said:
I don't have teenagers yet, but I would think the 'sink or swim' talk approach with a soon to be graduating senior is appropriate. How she needs to pick some path and work toward it, whether college, job etc. You aren't going to let he 'meh' her way into adulthood.
Click to expand...
:goodposting: Letting her find out just how unforgiving the world is when you're unprepared for it, or at least giving her a taste of that, may help her make up her mind.
Click to expand...
How would I do that? That was where I was thinking making her get a lousy job would have an impact.She worked at McD's over the summer last year and hated it.
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I don't know about making her do something like that, but it may work. When I worked at McDonald's, I couldn't wait to get a different job.
 
Remember you are the parent and not the friend. You need to help guide her and she will probably thank you later. Try to make her sit down at dinner every night. They don't have to say anything but sometime they do. High school is probably the worst time for parents/kids. You might talk to some of the teachers/administration at the school and mention you are concerned. They run into this every day and will usually help if you seek them out. Especially if you can find a teacher that she respects.

 
fatguyinalittlecoat said:
Andy Dufresne said:
She has a lot of spare time on her hands
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Why does she have so much spare time? I would think between school and homework and a job she would be pretty busy.
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You would think so. Her job at the karate school is less than 10 hours a week. She doesn't put enough time into her homework (which is why she gets low B's instead of the A's she could get with some effort).

Even with post-secondary college classes she's taking she didn't study enough.

I know, this is the part where people say, "Your kid is ambitious enough to take college classes while in high school and you're WORRIED?"

 
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Phil Elliott said:
Remember you are the parent and not the friend. You need to help guide her and she will probably thank you later. Try to make her sit down at dinner every night. They don't have to say anything but sometime they do. High school is probably the worst time for parents/kids. You might talk to some of the teachers/administration at the school and mention you are concerned. They run into this every day and will usually help if you seek them out. Especially if you can find a teacher that she respects.
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We used to have dinner every night, but now she's at work 3-4 times per week before dinner time. Then she's back by 7-ish.

Unfortunately, for a lot of reasons, her HS counselors are absolutely worthless.

 
Andy Dufresne said:
Phil Elliott said:
Remember you are the parent and not the friend. You need to help guide her and she will probably thank you later. Try to make her sit down at dinner every night. They don't have to say anything but sometime they do. High school is probably the worst time for parents/kids. You might talk to some of the teachers/administration at the school and mention you are concerned. They run into this every day and will usually help if you seek them out. Especially if you can find a teacher that she respects.
Click to expand...
We used to have dinner every night, but now she's at work 3-4 times per week before dinner time. Then she's back by 7-ish.

Unfortunately, for a lot of reasons, her HS counselors are absolutely worthless.
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Any teachers she might respect? Can you have dinner later? Teenagers usually have pretty flexible eating habits.

 
One more comment on the weed text. To me it shows you probably have a pretty good kid. A 17 year old who has friends that smoke has probably been given ample opportunities to smoke, and she's passed on those. And not to try to spend too much time inside the head of a 17 year old girl and breaking down a four letter response, but her responding with "okay" and not something like "finally!" or "i know, ive been waiting too long" makes me think she really has no interest and would either ultimately reject the peer pressure, or do it once or twice and move on.

 
RUSF18 said:
One more comment on the weed text. To me it shows you probably have a pretty good kid. A 17 year old who has friends that smoke has probably been given ample opportunities to smoke, and she's passed on those. And not to try to spend too much time inside the head of a 17 year old girl and breaking down a four letter response, but her responding with "okay" and not something like "finally!" or "i know, ive been waiting too long" makes me think she really has no interest and would either ultimately reject the peer pressure, or do it once or twice and move on.
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Yeah, that's kind of my feeling too. But as one who has never tried it myself, I can't conceive of her even wanting to try it. :shrug:

A lot of this comes from trying to get out in front of things for my wife. She's got enough on her plate dealing with her idiot dad who killed his liver and now waits on a transplant list.

 
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Andy Dufresne said:
RUSF18 said:
One more comment on the weed text. To me it shows you probably have a pretty good kid. A 17 year old who has friends that smoke has probably been given ample opportunities to smoke, and she's passed on those. And not to try to spend too much time inside the head of a 17 year old girl and breaking down a four letter response, but her responding with "okay" and not something like "finally!" or "i know, ive been waiting too long" makes me think she really has no interest and would either ultimately reject the peer pressure, or do it once or twice and move on.
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Yeah, that's kind of my feeling too. But as one who has never tried it myself, I can't conceive of her even wanting to try it. :shrug:

A lot of this comes from trying to get out in front of things for my wife. She's got enough on her plate dealing with her idiot dad who killed his liver and now waits on a transplant list.
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You have to remember, she's growing up at a time where MJ is now being legalized for recreational purposes, and there's very strong support for that to spread further. I imagine it's difficult to comprehend it being such a horrible substance like even I was told when I was a teenager (I'm 30 now). So even if it's difficult, you have to take that into account.

And good on you for trying to ease your wife's burden. And also good for caring so much about your kid that you're worried about her even if she has a lot of really great qualities. You can always try to be a better parent.

 
Well you can't really force any of those things. All you can really do is hope you got it right from the beginning. She is going to have to go her own way and she is nearly an adult. If the lessons you taught over the years have taken she'll be fine in the long run. People got to learn somethings the hard way sometimes.

 
I think it's just the age. Every kid is going to be confronted with choices. As parents, the best we can do is to be attentive to what's going on (which you are) and be there when they need us.

We have three teenagers. (17, 16, 16) They're home schooled, involved in Christian groups, and working on becoming Eagle Scouts. But, they still find ways to get into trouble. We've tried to be patient, explain the importance of learning from their mistakes, and then move on. At times, we've had to punish them. (one of my sons is currently serving a 2 month video game suspension for punching his brother in the face) Things can't be perfect all the time. Try to lead by example and hope it rubs off on them.

 
Andy Dufresne said:
Seems like the consensus here is "monitor, but take a deep breath".
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I am not a parent, so grain of salt and all that.

But I was a kid whose parents didn't push for college, and I wish they had. I wasted a lot of time after high school.

As a parent, I think it is part of your job to help your kid have the best/most successful/happiest possible life. And your influence on that usually decreases by the year.

College isn't for everyone, and people can certainly be successful and happy without it, but I would have a serious talk with your daughter. I would try and make it more a discussion as equals, and less a parental lecture. I would stress that attending college keeps all options open. There are a lot of things your kid will never be able to do without attending college. Chances are, your daughter isn't sure what she wants to do. I would suggest that it would really suck for her to decide in two-five years she wants to do something, and she doesn't have the necessary degree to do it.

I would try and move heaven and earth to get her to spend a weekend with a friend at a college. Let her go, chaperone-free, to a college, let her go to some college parties, do whatever she wants for a weekend. I find it very hard to believe that a high school kid could spend a party weekend at a college, and not WANT to attend college.

Depending on her personality, I might also point out that parental support during college years would be greater, as opposed to her entering the workforce as an 18-year-old, and paint a picture of paying her own bills, while trying to support herself on whatever job she can get with no skills.

 
Dont ignore it. Have a frank conversation with her built on love, honesty and your families moral compass. I agree that you should not be overbearing or demanding. Ultimately it is not about control of her, because you have none. It is about influence. Do your best to set a framwork of "trust the intent" with her (in spite of HER hiding things from YOU). If this can be accomplished, when you speak about things and offer a differing point of view, she should trust YOUR intent (her well-being) and you should have some influence.

ADD: If she has not heard about your dad and his Everclear adventures, you should tell her. Gives her some insight and legitimizes your perspective and also shows her the potentially dark side of that behavior.

 
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Andy Dufresne said:
Seems like the consensus here is "monitor, but take a deep breath".
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FWIW, what you described sounded alot like me in that age. I did really well in school, but I also liked to drink, smoke, chase girls...like most 17 year olds IMO. There were also about 50% of the friends that I hung out with were probably people I shouldn't have hung out with. I think I always knew this in the back of my head, and I had heard my parents made comments about them; but I was having fun.

When I look back on it now, I think the biggest thing for me was wanting to be independent. Perhaps it's the same thing for her?

When I got to college, I never moved back home and I kicked ### in all aspects - social, school, found a good job, etc.

"Monitor, but take a deep breath" sounds like a good summation. Sounds like y'all did a good job and she's just being a typical 17 year old.

 
I had an incredibly terrible childhood where I made every bad decision I could make. Nothing my parents did would have stopped me. Great parents but at the time I was hell bent I doing what I wanted and I didn't care about the consequences. The only thing that saved me was my parents finally letting me fail. They had to let go and let me feel the pain/hardship of my poor decisions. With a lot of hard work and some luck I would say most people would judge my life a success. Homeless a 17 all the way to owning my own home. Have a good job. Workout regularly. Beautiful family. Life is good. If my parents had kept saving me from the consequences of my actions I would be living in their basement getting high everyday.

As we bring our children up we want to protect them from pain but that's not what life is. Life is not a painless journey for anybody. We have to try give our kids the tools and tactics they need to be successful and then at some point we have to love them enough to let them make bad decisions. Preferably while they still live under our own roof so that we can at least keep them relatively safe.

 
fatguyinalittlecoat said:
Bob Sacamano said:
fatguyinalittlecoat said:
Why do you think she's ambivalent about college? College is the best.
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Better than weed?
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For some of us they're pretty much the same thing.
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Worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever:

Page 6: fatguy turns the corner and finds himself in a room. In one corner is a chest with a strange glow, almost like something toxic is emitting rays. This might be dangerous. In the corner sits a skeleton, looking at its finger and repeating, "I've got you where I want you, and now I'm gonna eat you." Turn to page 36.

 
What activities do you and your daughter do together regularly? You may need to just spend more time together. Also, might need to drop some of the judgement to help earn some trust.

 
Page 36: fatguy looks to the left and sees a door marked, "Open this, and you will have a great 4 (5? 6?) years of college. Weed, however, will cease to exist."

To the right is a hallway leading to a room full of weed. It appears to be a lifetime supply. There are bags full of all the necessary "toes" for this situation - Cheetos, Doritos, and Fritos. Because this book was designed for you, specifically, there is also what appears to be a really comfortable couch with a pillow. Choose to explore this hallway and the door to college will be locked forever.

To open the door, turn to page 48.

To get high, turn to page 19

 
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Bob Sacamano said:
fatguyinalittlecoat said:
Bob Sacamano said:
fatguyinalittlecoat said:
Why do you think she's ambivalent about college? College is the best.
Click to expand...
Better than weed?
Click to expand...
For some of us they're pretty much the same thing.
Click to expand...
Worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever:

Page 6: fatguy turns the corner and finds himself in a room. In one corner is a chest with a strange glow, almost like something toxic is emitting rays. This might be dangerous. In the corner sits a skeleton, looking at its finger and repeating, "I've got you where I want you, and now I'm gonna eat you." Turn to page 36.
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:lmao:

 
Pretty sure you should wait to see what page he chooses and then show this to your daughter, Andy. Should be instructive either way.

 
Bob, could you include some pictures with the book. You lost me after "fatguy turns the corner and finds himself in a room"

Probably because I didn't go to college

 
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Phones and tablets taken away at night for a few weeks due to late night texting.

Leave the weed thing alone. I'm guessing she has had plenty of lectures on the dangers of drug use and the fact that you are so adverse to weed suggests you aren't rational on the subject.

College isn't for everyone, but it's certainly for most folks who have 3.5's. You need to push it as an expectation. We all agree that the costs are getting out of hand, but the data doesn't lie. A college education is still a necessity and a bargain for most.

 
tommyGunZ said:
Phones and tablets taken away at night for a few weeks due to late night texting.

Leave the weed thing alone. I'm guessing she has had plenty of lectures on the dangers of drug use and the fact that you are so adverse to weed suggests you aren't rational on the subject.

College isn't for everyone, but it's certainly for most folks who have 3.5's. You need to push it as an expectation. We all agree that the costs are getting out of hand, but the data doesn't lie. A college education is still a necessity and a bargain for most.
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Why is that not rational?

 
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