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What to do when your teenager seems to start "drifting" (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Andy Dufresne
- Start date
Steve Tasker
Footballguy
RUSF18
Footballguy
mr roboto
Footballguy
Andy, I will say that you need to ignore all the 'it's no big deal Cleaver! Don't worry so much.' Good parents, and in particular dads, are supposed to watch out for their kids and project problems into the future. It starts out when they are young by telling them not to run into the street or to be careful when they climb up the ladder for the first time. We anticipate what could happen and act as their surrogate wisdom.
When they are a little older you warn them about different things like how to proactively ignore bullying or we teach then that losing isn't a big deal and we play the game for fun. Again, surrogate wisdom.
It's MUCH harder to provide this to teenagers. They are arrogant, self-centered, they have adult bodies and capabilities yet still underdeveloped emotionally. But you can't just roll over and say 'Oh well, teens will be teens.' Take the weed text - I would absolutely say something about that. We all know weed isn't a huge deal on its own, but a 17 year old who is impressionable and trying to form her future plans, it's no good. It's still illegal, many of the people in HS who smoke up are burnouts, and it could impact her grades and her decisions.
You have an imperative to be her lighthouse, to point out the rocks and guide her through the calm passage. You can't do it authoritatively like when she was real young, and she probably won't listen like she did as a 10 year old, but you can't shrink away.
Many posts have said she isn't 'drifting'. They are probably right, but you need to project forward. You need to watch for minute signs. She doesn't have the wisdom to see a 'drift' in herself. Stay very sensitive to her trajectory. You are her dad.
When they are a little older you warn them about different things like how to proactively ignore bullying or we teach then that losing isn't a big deal and we play the game for fun. Again, surrogate wisdom.
It's MUCH harder to provide this to teenagers. They are arrogant, self-centered, they have adult bodies and capabilities yet still underdeveloped emotionally. But you can't just roll over and say 'Oh well, teens will be teens.' Take the weed text - I would absolutely say something about that. We all know weed isn't a huge deal on its own, but a 17 year old who is impressionable and trying to form her future plans, it's no good. It's still illegal, many of the people in HS who smoke up are burnouts, and it could impact her grades and her decisions.
You have an imperative to be her lighthouse, to point out the rocks and guide her through the calm passage. You can't do it authoritatively like when she was real young, and she probably won't listen like she did as a 10 year old, but you can't shrink away.
Many posts have said she isn't 'drifting'. They are probably right, but you need to project forward. You need to watch for minute signs. She doesn't have the wisdom to see a 'drift' in herself. Stay very sensitive to her trajectory. You are her dad.
Otis
Footballguy
rockaction
Footballguy
Yeah, not as a parent but as someone who -- ahem, knows -- people who went through that whole weed phase thing, which became a gateway thing precisely because dealers and people who hang out with them can be multi-purpose when it comes to drugs, this is a good posting.
And I agree that I would be not shocked, but a little disturbed by casual phrases that are cheekily tossed-off, for instance, "pop your weed cherry." Not cool for a parent to have to read, especially one of a teenage girl. I also would be a little -- again, not surprised -- but concerned about how teens talk to each other via text, depending on exactly how graphic it is.
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quickhands
Footballguy
Maybe explain to her that the last part of the brain to develop is the part that can project consequences into the future. Since she cant do that yet you have to do that for her.
Ive found a rational argument and a loud voice works wonders. I bit of foot stomping completes the effect.
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
Now we're getting somewhere. Good stuff guys.
I'm telling you, that guy wants to do more than "pop her weed cherry". The worst part is, she probably wants it from him just as bad as he wants it from her. Crazy kids and their hormones.
Sometimes you have to consider though, society is different nowadays. Maybe her acting out in these ways is her way of saying, "Daddy, I'm growing up".
But you being the guy that you are, here's your best plan of action:
You're going to send your daughter to a Christian University. Since you apparently want your daughter to be more just a housewife and be her own person and whatnot; a Christian University is a great place to stuff her. Granted, she still may end up having intercourse a few times but the boys she'll be banging have a good chance of being rich.
Seriously though guy, if you send her to a State School, you're asking for trouble. Have you put any serious thought into where you want to send her to school? What can you afford? If she's got a 3.5 GPA, she's certainly eligible for some scholarships. Maybe getting FREE MONEY to go to school will inspire her?
rockaction
Footballguy
I was a teetotaler for a long time. Upon about twenty-three, I started drinking fairly heavily. I'll never forget drinking in Boston at an MIT frat house, when an Indian (not Native American) stopped us. We were drinking in a wading pool outside of the front -- it was summer and we were guests of the house -- chugging Jagr, IIRC. He stopped us and told me, "I'm very concerned with what you are doing. You have no idea what you are doing to your brain. It's still forming, and you're damaging it in ways I can't describe." He claimed to be a professor of neuropsych at MIT, and I have no reason to disbelieve that to this day. I also think he thought I was much younger than I was, as I looked very teenager-ish at the time.
That always stuck with me. Perhaps researching the literature on what alcohol and drugs do to forming brains will have an effect on her. Even though I continued my ways, it was actually something I remembered and did indeed listen to; rather than getting hung up on the morality of it, it became a self-interested thing, something teens are particularly good at gauging.
And that's my last in here. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
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Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
I've thought of a few different responses to this but I've settled on this one...
You're really dumb.
You're kidding me right? I haven't read the entire thread but from what I've seen it boils down to a bunch of guys telling you exactly what you want to hear. Nobody furnished any real solutions to your problem other than, "you just gotta keep being her dad".
Real talk, pop. This marijuana thing ain't going away. Kids who don't care about school, don't finish school.
Tom Skerritt
Footballguy
Isn't the most important goal keeping your daughter from getting pregnant? My daughter is too young for me to worry about that now. But that will my highest priority once she becomes sexually active. Everything else will be secondary to that.
School and a career path are obviously important. But at 17, I would not be worrying too much about that right now. Your daughter seems to be handling those about as well as one could expect.
School and a career path are obviously important. But at 17, I would not be worrying too much about that right now. Your daughter seems to be handling those about as well as one could expect.
