Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
Man some of you people are cynical.
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What to do when your teenager seems to start "drifting" (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Andy Dufresne
- Start date
Or realistic - depends on how you want to look at it. If you have realistic expectations you're less likely to be disappointed.
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
NCCommish
Footballguy
You know the authority in military is anything but arbitrary actually. It is highly regulated and in fact can protect a lesser rank when they are on the right side of it. I have won more than one fight with someone who outranked me because the regs were on my side. Didn't always make me popular but then I have self esteem so I don't need popularity. No finishing school needed either. 
Definitely cynical as well.
Definitely cynical as well.
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mr. furley
Footballguy
mr. furley
Footballguy
is there a point where we as parents have the memories of our own teen years completely ripped from our brains?
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
My teen year memories are football/hockey/track/school.
Not exactly sure what you're getting at.
What's up, Furley!
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cstu
Footballguy
Most of those are what parents would normally teach their kids but either don't know how or want to today. The name 'finishing school' is certainly a turn off but what they teach aren't bad to know and knowing those things can develop self-esteem. The only concern would be picking up a snobbish attitude but I don't think a week is long enough to permanently change someone's personality.
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
This whole "well she's almost 18 and therefore an adult" stuff doesn't fly with me.
She can only do whatever she wants whenever she wants when she doesn't want or need me to help fix the effects of the bad decisions.
She can only do whatever she wants whenever she wants when she doesn't want or need me to help fix the effects of the bad decisions.
mr. furley
Footballguy
My teen year memories are football/hockey/track/school.
Not exactly sure what you're getting at.
What's up, Furley!
i've got young girls, i worry that at some point we forget what it was like to be 13-18. maybe we put too much pressure on them, expect too much, are too hard on them because we forget.
the teen years absolutely ####ing terrify me.not directing anything at you.. parenting is hard enough without strangers second-guessing from a distance.
glllllllllllllll
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sublimeone
Footballguy
I would just try to have more "life talks" with her. I would definitely address the weed thing. You don't have to say, "I saw that so and so was texting about weed..." Just have a little chat, "hey I know lots of people smoke weed nowadays. You know how I feel about it but you're going to have to make your own choices. I'll just tell you that it's not harmless and anyone telling you otherwise is lying to you. You're a smart girl, make good decisions.
Little tid bits here and there hold a lot more weight than constant lecturing. Shoot her an article every once in a while, something about how the connection between weed and psychosis, or drinking or not going to college... etc... Think of it as ongoing marketing vs a one-time sales pitch. As much as kids will never admit it, they hear what you're saying and if you can get 1% of it to stick you've done your job.
Little tid bits here and there hold a lot more weight than constant lecturing. Shoot her an article every once in a while, something about how the connection between weed and psychosis, or drinking or not going to college... etc... Think of it as ongoing marketing vs a one-time sales pitch. As much as kids will never admit it, they hear what you're saying and if you can get 1% of it to stick you've done your job.
Tom Skerritt
Footballguy
This is your problem. Stop fixing things for her. You need to start letting her fix them herself or just let her deal with the consequences. Easier said than done, I know. But it's a good place to start.
That's completely insane IMO. As a parent you're constantly going to be there to help fix the effects of their bad decisions, even ones they make at 35. And it might even be more so if you don't let them make some easily correctable errors at this point in their life.
johnnycakes
Footballguy
What do you base that on?
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Yeah, there's really no one to teach my girls to put on makeup since my wife is low maintenance and thinks it's a waste of money. Pretty sure finishing school is our only hope here.
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
johnnycakes
Footballguy
Hey, you've got a pile of money. If you want to waste it it's really not my place to stop you.
Ilov80s
Footballguy
Despite any cynicism or sarcasm, I do want you to have a great relationship with your kids. I can't even imagine what it's like. I get so attached and worry so much about my students and that can't even compare to a parent. It sounds like you are doing a great job!
Not even close. And I have no idea what it was like back in the 1950s grandpa.
Gr00vus
Footballguy
I'm pretty sure this is an essential skill in life, otherwise they wouldn't teach it at finishing school.
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
You also don't know what its like to have teenagers - so keep your ####ty little comments to yourself.
Raising teenagers is pretty much like playing poker and stuff, right? You try and get your chips in good, but realistically you only have a certain amount of control over the outcome.
KarmaPolice
Footballguy
I was reading through this slowly while at work, so sorry if any question I have has been covered or it's repetitive:
Honestly, I don't think you have too much to worry about. As another poster stated, I think it is more of a monitor type situation.
About the late night thing - I honestly don't see the big problem. She is still getting decent grades. If it isn't texting, she is going to stay up that late doing something if that is what she wants to do. Hell, I used to stay up that late watching the Stanley Cup, movies, or whatever. Parents let me go for the most part, because I still got good grades and it was an understanding that if there are negative consequences - sleeping through a swim practice, getting in trouble for nodding off in school, not making it to work, etc.. they aren't going to help out with that. I am an old fart, so I just don't get why they need to be in constant contact with each other until 2am.
The college thing - I think I had similar feelings and think it could be a factor of a few things:. 1. As I think somebody has said, maybe some of the ho-hum is leaving town and High School being over. Does she make friends easily? Does she have a boyfriend/girlfriend she is serious about, etc.. 2. Maybe she is feeling some pressure of thinking she has to figure her life out and is resisting that. Do you talk about career, etc.. or is it more just a general discussion about going to school? 3. Sounds like the stuff she really loves doesn't have a great career path unless she is interested in teaching. I had a similar feeling - the things I liked would probably lead to research or teaching, and I had 0 interest in doing either. Kind of roamed around until something mildly clicked in college, and not even then. Honestly, some people aren't wired for careers, and I am an example. Rounding on 40 and still not much interests me (or maybe too much, and I distract easily) and am figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. If she is like that, college represents one step closer to the tedium of having a job, and that is not overly exciting to some people. Maybe any talks about college should focus on the social aspects, finding yourself, making sure she is comfortable with wherever she is going to, and make sure she knows that career doesn't have to be decided on day one? Dunno, just spitballing here.
The Reefer - I think I am personally 1/2 way in between what people are saying in here. I, like most here, would probably rather have a kid do a little of this than drink. However, I would be honest and tell her that you saw the text about weed. Here is the point of that: there is still a stricter penalty for weed unless you live in Wash or Col. Although it is starting to break down, there is also more of a social stigma with it too. It has more ramifications if she gets caught than underage drinking would. That said, she was silly enough to leave up a text on the computer talking about it, so maybe a discussion about trying these things in a super safe way would be in order. I am not saying to smoke a bowl with her or anything, but a typical parenting discussion about how you don't agree but know stuff is going to happen and to be safe, etc.. is probably a damn good idea.
All that said, it sounds like you have raised a great kid and seem to have a relationship with a great backbone as you talked about going to music stuff with her, etc.. maybe the trust on both sides needs a small tweak, but I wouldn't be overly worried about what is going on.
Honestly, I don't think you have too much to worry about. As another poster stated, I think it is more of a monitor type situation.
About the late night thing - I honestly don't see the big problem. She is still getting decent grades. If it isn't texting, she is going to stay up that late doing something if that is what she wants to do. Hell, I used to stay up that late watching the Stanley Cup, movies, or whatever. Parents let me go for the most part, because I still got good grades and it was an understanding that if there are negative consequences - sleeping through a swim practice, getting in trouble for nodding off in school, not making it to work, etc.. they aren't going to help out with that. I am an old fart, so I just don't get why they need to be in constant contact with each other until 2am.
The college thing - I think I had similar feelings and think it could be a factor of a few things:. 1. As I think somebody has said, maybe some of the ho-hum is leaving town and High School being over. Does she make friends easily? Does she have a boyfriend/girlfriend she is serious about, etc.. 2. Maybe she is feeling some pressure of thinking she has to figure her life out and is resisting that. Do you talk about career, etc.. or is it more just a general discussion about going to school? 3. Sounds like the stuff she really loves doesn't have a great career path unless she is interested in teaching. I had a similar feeling - the things I liked would probably lead to research or teaching, and I had 0 interest in doing either. Kind of roamed around until something mildly clicked in college, and not even then. Honestly, some people aren't wired for careers, and I am an example. Rounding on 40 and still not much interests me (or maybe too much, and I distract easily) and am figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. If she is like that, college represents one step closer to the tedium of having a job, and that is not overly exciting to some people. Maybe any talks about college should focus on the social aspects, finding yourself, making sure she is comfortable with wherever she is going to, and make sure she knows that career doesn't have to be decided on day one? Dunno, just spitballing here.
The Reefer - I think I am personally 1/2 way in between what people are saying in here. I, like most here, would probably rather have a kid do a little of this than drink. However, I would be honest and tell her that you saw the text about weed. Here is the point of that: there is still a stricter penalty for weed unless you live in Wash or Col. Although it is starting to break down, there is also more of a social stigma with it too. It has more ramifications if she gets caught than underage drinking would. That said, she was silly enough to leave up a text on the computer talking about it, so maybe a discussion about trying these things in a super safe way would be in order. I am not saying to smoke a bowl with her or anything, but a typical parenting discussion about how you don't agree but know stuff is going to happen and to be safe, etc.. is probably a damn good idea.
All that said, it sounds like you have raised a great kid and seem to have a relationship with a great backbone as you talked about going to music stuff with her, etc.. maybe the trust on both sides needs a small tweak, but I wouldn't be overly worried about what is going on.
Spike
Footballguy
Insein
Footballguy
Youre over thinking this Andy. You know your kid. You taught her as best you could for her whole life. We cant always be therr to protect them so just trust she can handle when weed comes her way that she will make a good decision.
As for college, if shes got good grades it seems the way to go. Just give her aome guidance on what she needs to do and then let her do it. But dont let ger figure it out. At any new job, a new employee is given several months orientation and training to learn the job. The same should be expected of a kid going to college. They need several months of training and orientation to get what they need to do down. My parents basically said figure it out because I was a smart kid in high school but I struggled my first year. Ended up changing majors and then switching to community college before dropping it entirely for 4 years. Eventually went back after I matured but some guidance would have been nice during that time on what to do and what not to do.
Basically give her some rope but dont leave her hanging.
As for college, if shes got good grades it seems the way to go. Just give her aome guidance on what she needs to do and then let her do it. But dont let ger figure it out. At any new job, a new employee is given several months orientation and training to learn the job. The same should be expected of a kid going to college. They need several months of training and orientation to get what they need to do down. My parents basically said figure it out because I was a smart kid in high school but I struggled my first year. Ended up changing majors and then switching to community college before dropping it entirely for 4 years. Eventually went back after I matured but some guidance would have been nice during that time on what to do and what not to do.
Basically give her some rope but dont leave her hanging.
Riversco
Footballguy
Peer pressure is key. If she has friends that are planning on going to college, she will very likely make it a priority to go as well to be with them, or at least go to some college so as not to be looked down upon by those peers. If her friends have no college plans and are drifters, she will find that to be socially acceptable and not care about college.
What are her friends like?
If her friends are going to college, but aren't making plans until the last second, she may be copying them.
What are her friends like?
If her friends are going to college, but aren't making plans until the last second, she may be copying them.
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chauncey
Footballguy
Only read the OP, you are a real Ward fn Cleaver. Seventeen year olds are gonna be texting all day and night and getting high, big deal. I can't wait to hear your reaction when you find out what she is doing on snapchat and that she is boning Jose down the street after they hit the bong. Drifting? Sounds like she is just living. I'd let her do her thing or else she is going to get to college and plow the entire football team and omega house.
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
Did you set down your Old Milwaukee or your Marlboro to type this?
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
IvanKaramazov
Footballguy
Andy D is one of the good guys on this forum (you too NCC). We can dispense with shtick about his underage daughter in this thread.
MaxThreshold
Footballguy
I don't think you understand who is the plow and who is the field in that particular sexual metaphor.
Gopher State
Footballguy
Not everyone is cut out for college, sounds like a candidate for the Marines or Navy, and the world needs ditch diggers also
KarmaPolice
Footballguy
"You see this is what you get in Chauncey's house when you spill paint in the garage."
I'm 22 years old and I'm going to be brutally honest:
1.) The boy who wants to pop her weed cherry, also wants to bang her, without a doubt. Now would be a very good time to talk to her about using protection.
She's gonna smoke, he's gonna get close, hook up Crash Bandicoot, blow in her ear, make her tingle, and it's game over.
2.) If she's not interested in college, make her take some General Education classes at the local Community College. English, Math, etc.
If she's not proactively applying to school, don't force her. But give her the ultimatum of either working a full-time job or going to school full-time.
More importantly, she has no concept of what life is really about. She doesn't care about anything other than, "I'm young I want to have fun".
So unless she is passionate about something, you're going to have a hard time leading a horse to water. Give her the summer to have fun but plan on cracking down towards August.
Best wishes. Find out what she's interested in and work from there.
1.) The boy who wants to pop her weed cherry, also wants to bang her, without a doubt. Now would be a very good time to talk to her about using protection.
She's gonna smoke, he's gonna get close, hook up Crash Bandicoot, blow in her ear, make her tingle, and it's game over.
2.) If she's not interested in college, make her take some General Education classes at the local Community College. English, Math, etc.
If she's not proactively applying to school, don't force her. But give her the ultimatum of either working a full-time job or going to school full-time.
More importantly, she has no concept of what life is really about. She doesn't care about anything other than, "I'm young I want to have fun".
So unless she is passionate about something, you're going to have a hard time leading a horse to water. Give her the summer to have fun but plan on cracking down towards August.
Best wishes. Find out what she's interested in and work from there.
Insein
Footballguy
Binky The Doormat
Footballguy
####, I have him blocked, and now I see this ...and right before bedtime (nightmares).
I would go to prison to make sure he didn't happen to my daughter.
Hooper31
Footballguy
The typed word will be read with the worst possible tone an intonation. Combine this with cowards supplying commentary they would never say to you face to face and you have a mixture for some pretty poor exchanges.
I have a 16 year old daughter that just got her license. I can relate to your worries. My suggestion is to sit her down and say the same words you shared in this thread. Be honest and respectful. Share with her your worst fears. My guess is that she will appreciate some candor. Good luck.
