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Wife has a friend who might be a victim of domestic violence (1 Viewer)

fantasycurse42

fantasycurse42

Footballguy Jr.
Background:

My wife has a friend who is a really cool chick, out of all of her friends, this one is prob my favorite - very nice and genuine girl. They became friends when our little ones were just newborns which was about 5 years ago and now this is one of her best friends.

Anyways, my wife mentioned to me last night she thinks "xyz" is getting abused by her husband. I know the husband used to have a drug problem over a decade ago from previous stories from my wife. He is also a nerdy tech programmer geek if that matters for this thread. I obviously ask why and she tells me "xyz" frequently has weird bruises on her body and she gets the impression she is scared of her husband (I recall my wife saying they weren't married, but not sure I'm remembering that right, I'm gonna ask later. Regardless, they've been together for a long time and have a 5 year old and 1 year old). 

Today, my wife was going for a ride and I asked if we could drive to my office since she was moving the car anyways. I was driving in the car and wife is on the phone texting her friend bc she was going to pick her up after I got dropped off. She then tries to call her and her friend replies back in the text that her husband (or whatever he is) was still home and she would call her when he left for work. My wife again echoed her sentiments about her friend being scared of her husband. 

My wife knows her friend and isn't one for the dramatics, so I don't think she is just telling stories... With that being said, I don't know what my wife or I can do, especially if she doesn't discuss with my wife... And from her friend's point of view, I can understand being embarrassed or not wanting to create problems, even more so if she is legitimately scared. 

Can anything be done in this situation from our end? She really is a great person & I would feel awful knowing she is scared in her own house and around her kids.  

 
Whatever you end up doing, I would make sure not to have any reference to it in writing (text/social media/etc).  If he is abusive, he is also probably controlling and looks at her devices.  As for the bruises, some people bruise easily so it's more the fear component that would worry me.  A good romp in the hay can cause that just as well, depending on location.

 
Have your wife keep working on gaining her friend's trust in this.  And if she finds out there IS physical abuse, take matters in your own hands.

(I don't want to hear from the hanky-wavers.  If he's hurting her, he needs to see what it's like.  If she won't leave him, it WILL get worse.)

 
yes, go there and beat this guy up on spec

catch a charge and anger your wife

or, you know, call the cops for a wellness check. refer her to a battered women's shelter for assistance getting out. 

 
This is one you leave to the professionals. If she wants help and wants to get out, help her to get professional advice (police, lawyer, social workers, etc.)

You never know what a dude might do, and you have to keep in mind your family's safety as well.

 
fantasycurse42 said:
I thought about this, but I think it too much taking matters into our hands without knowing details.
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nah, it's really not. 

wife's friend can get mad at you for intervening but so what. it's better than kvetching and hoping she takes matters in to her own hands.

been through this with my parents (not physical). took others intervening before my mom had the strength to leave. knowing that others supported her was the push she needed. she spent years trying to hide reality from people.. though everyone knew. 

it was her boss's husband who helped give her the final push. i won't go in to details but without that dude she's probably no longer with us.

 
mr. furley said:
nah, it's really not. 

wife's friend can get mad at you for intervening but so what. it's better than kvetching and hoping she takes matters in to her own hands.

been through this with my parents (not physical). took others intervening before my mom had the strength to leave. knowing that others supported her was the push she needed. she spent years trying to hide reality from people.. though everyone knew. 

it was her boss's husband who helped give her the final push. i won't go in to details but without that dude she's probably no longer with us.
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Or wife's friend's husband can get mad at his wife for him intervening and beat her to death the moment the police leave.

It's a tricky situation, and no two are exactly alike.  I would err on the side of allowing the domestic violence victim to take control of the method and timing that she leaves the relationship, since taking back control of her life is a necessary step.  The first thing is to speak to her, when he's not around, and express concern without judgment of what she may be doing or even judging him, lest she take that as an attack and defend him.  Without knowing where she is in the process, it may not be the best idea to call the police right now.

The most dangerous time for an abused domestic partner is when the abuser believes he may be losing control.  Whether that's leaving or having the police/neighbors/friends threaten him, whatever.  I'm very glad your mother got out.  There's a reason that domestic violence calls are some of the most dangerous for police - abusers do have a tendency to respond poorly while they're there and/or after they leave.

 
Faced this situation when I was 23 in my first job..woman I worked closely with who was about 35 came to work with sunglasses and a black eye. 

She often talked about her husband being controlling but this was the only time in two years I saw this. 

I knew what happened, but she didn't want to talk about it so there wasn't much I could do. I changed jobs a few months later.

Looking back I still wish I could have done something, but realize I probably couldn't have made it better regardless of my actions. 

 
Not enough details to make this call.  She could bruise easily and just not want to tell her husband she's going out for an afternoon of leisure

 
mr. furley said:
yes, go there and beat this guy up on spec

catch a charge and anger your wife

or, you know, call the cops for a wellness check. refer her to a battered women's shelter for assistance getting out. 
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Nah random beating seems to be the obvious answer. No negative consequences for anyone involved. 

 
Steed said:
Not enough details to make this call.  She could bruise easily and just not want to tell her husband she's going out for an afternoon of leisure
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This. My wife gets bruises on her forearms all the time from playing rough with our two bulldogs. 

Could be nothing. Regardless, make sure your wife makes it clear to her that you two are there to listen and help if she needs anything.

 
Have your wife be open and available to help her if she asks other than that stay out of their business.   You have no idea what their relationship really is even though you think you do.  

 
Are you ready to die over this? Seriously? Is this how you want your hike to end? Over a hundred percent of all domestic disputes are just two people trying to work stuff out. You getting involved isn't gonna help. You don't know what's going on. I don't care what you think you see, just keep your eyes down and keep walking.

 
Chemical X said:
Are you ready to die over this? Seriously? Is this how you want your hike to end? Over a hundred percent of all domestic disputes are just two people trying to work stuff out. You getting involved isn't gonna help. You don't know what's going on. I don't care what you think you see, just keep your eyes down and keep walking.
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:oldunsure:  

 
The term "bruises like a peach" was invented for my wife. She can bump into the corner of a counter and have a gross multicolored bruise in that spot for two weeks. It was to the point where she went to the doctor and got checked out to make sure she wasn't having circulation or any other kind of issues. All good, thankfully.

Anyway, the fact that your wife can see so many of these strange bruises could actually be a good thing, assuming we're not talking women's locker room type stuff. Abusers generally grab/hit/cause pain in specific spots knowing that it would normally be covered up by clothes. 

I would just have your wife continue to be in contact with her, checking in, even to the point of being annoying. If there is really something going on, the increased contact will either shed some more light on it from your wife's perspective, or the friend will hopefully realize that someone is there for her. 

Good luck. 

 
RUSF18 said:
The term "bruises like a peach" was invented for my wife. She can bump into the corner of a counter and have a gross multicolored bruise in that spot for two weeks. It was to the point where she went to the doctor and got checked out to make sure she wasn't having circulation or any other kind of issues. All good, thankfully.

Anyway, the fact that your wife can see so many of these strange bruises could actually be a good thing, assuming we're not talking women's locker room type stuff. Abusers generally grab/hit/cause pain in specific spots knowing that it would normally be covered up by clothes. 

I would just have your wife continue to be in contact with her, checking in, even to the point of being annoying. If there is really something going on, the increased contact will either shed some more light on it from your wife's perspective, or the friend will hopefully realize that someone is there for her. 

Good luck. 
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Not to mention how much damage a pet or kids can do to you.

 
Spike said:
Have your wife keep working on gaining her friend's trust in this.  And if she finds out there IS physical abuse, take matters in your own hands.

(I don't want to hear from the hanky-wavers.  If he's hurting her, he needs to see what it's like.  If she won't leave him, it WILL get worse.)
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This is such bad advice, don't listen to this. This is how you'll get your friend killed. 

 
Henry Ford said:
Or wife's friend's husband can get mad at his wife for him intervening and beat her to death the moment the police leave.

It's a tricky situation, and no two are exactly alike.  I would err on the side of allowing the domestic violence victim to take control of the method and timing that she leaves the relationship, since taking back control of her life is a necessary step.  The first thing is to speak to her, when he's not around, and express concern without judgment of what she may be doing or even judging him, lest she take that as an attack and defend him.  Without knowing where she is in the process, it may not be the best idea to call the police right now.

The most dangerous time for an abused domestic partner is when the abuser believes he may be losing control.  Whether that's leaving or having the police/neighbors/friends threaten him, whatever.  I'm very glad your mother got out.  There's a reason that domestic violence calls are some of the most dangerous for police - abusers do have a tendency to respond poorly while they're there and/or after they leave.
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DING DING DING

Don't listen to keyboard tough guys, if she isn't willing to leave on your own, you can't do anything until you have hard evidence. Then give it to the police.

 
Harry Manback said:
DING DING DING

Don't listen to keyboard tough guys, if she isn't willing to leave on your own, you can't do anything until you have hard evidence. Then give it to the police.
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Even then - a lot of these guys get out on bail, get hold of someone's gun, and go shoot the wife.  Or beat her half to (or all the way to) death.  It's just a horrible situation.

What she ultimately (ideally) needs is someone who will help her get set up in a safe place to live with her kids and set a date to leave.  When that happens, she needs a place to go to that is hers and theirs and has beds and pots and pans and dishes and blankets and clothes.  It needs an alarm system and should ideally be close to a police station.  And she needs it to be a secret - which means it probably needs to be in someone else's name until she can take physical possession of it when she leaves with the kids.  

The biggest help someone can be is to help her set up a place to get out to when she leaves so that her choice isn't with him or out into the cold with nothing.  That's the biggest predictor of whether leaving the abuser works.

 
AAABatteries said:
Kick his ### and then have a threesome with the wife and friend or listen to Henry.
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I like this solution... 

In all seriousness, I think HF prob has the right advice. This is one of her best friends, so hopefully she can find out what is really going on and then a more informed decision can be made. 

 
Spike said:
Have your wife keep working on gaining her friend's trust in this.  And if she finds out there IS physical abuse, take matters in your own hands.

(I don't want to hear from the hanky-wavers.  If he's hurting her, he needs to see what it's like.  If she won't leave him, it WILL get worse.)
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I don't know if this is shtick or not. 

I'd like to think I'm not a "hanky-waver."  I grew up in an abusive household - watched my mother take beating after beating when I was very young.  Somebody tried this once.  Really kicked the crap out of my step father.  As soon as he was able to stand up after that, while the guy who beat him up was congratulating himself somewhere, no doubt, he took a baseball bat to my mother and put her in the hospital.  And told her if she told anyone else or tried to leave she'd watch her kids die before he beat her to death.  He almost made good on that one day.

Actions have consequences for people other than you.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
RUSF18 said:
Anyway, the fact that your wife can see so many of these strange bruises could actually be a good thing, assuming we're not talking women's locker room type stuff. Abusers generally grab/hit/cause pain in specific spots knowing that it would normally be covered up by clothes. 
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This.

Forearms above the wrist, base of the neck (front or back), arm just above the biceps, back, and legs above the knee.  Also defensive bruises, especially on the forearms.

Notably, if she's always been pretty skittish but she's suddenly got bruises that are visible with clothing on (face, hands, neck under the jaw, or broken limbs) he's ramping things up.  In that case, there's a very good chance, in my opinion, she needs to get out with the kids now.  Or this is a cycle that happens where it gets worse and worse until he promises to stop, and then things are relatively calm for awhile.  It's just impossible to tell without lots of information which is happening, even in extreme cases.

 
Need more to go on.  Can't just be suspicion.  If friend opens up to your wife then make her aware of all avenues to get out of the situation.  

 
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