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johnjohn

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I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at my job. My industry underwent major reform which has drastically changed my job over the past month or so. I've come to realize I'm no longer a good fit. I work longer hours than most of my co-workers but I just can't seem to keep up or get things right. The effort is there. The results are not. I'm just feeling incompetent and worthless. My manager is understanding and trying to cut down on my workload but it's just not enough.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. They're as bad as ever right now. I don't really have anything good going for me as far as my career, personal relationships or really anything. I guess I can't continue at this job but I don't know what else I would do. Not really sure what anyone can do in the way of help but I feel like I'm about out of options.

So sorry to hear. You feel like there aren't any options but once you start doing something, anything, toward helping yourself get back up you'll feel better. While exploring different job options, do you have close friends? The worse thing you can do is become isolated. That will make it worse. By your screen name I assume you are a sports fan ;). I know I perk up even if I'm down when the NBA starts even though life right now is the ####s for me. Do you exercise? Even though I'm in chemo, I'm asked if I do 30 min every day. Uh. Right. I didn't do that before chemo, so now?? Yes, now. Get my bum out on a walk even for 10 minutes and I'll feel better upstairs too. And I do. Also eating better because I have to. All of this comes full circle to helping you feel better which helps your state of mind, to think and be clearer. But it does take a little time and effort. Don't give up. It does get better, it always does eventually. The light is there at the end of the tunnel, just need to put the steps into play to get there. And, you do have folks here who care and support you.

My thoughts are with you. Best wishes. X

ETA: Do you have vacation time? Now wouldn't be a bad time to use it to get away.. :)

Edited by CurlyNight
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I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at my job. My industry underwent major reform which has drastically changed my job over the past month or so. I've come to realize I'm no longer a good fit. I work longer hours than most of my co-workers but I just can't seem to keep up or get things right. The effort is there. The results are not. I'm just feeling incompetent and worthless. My manager is understanding and trying to cut down on my workload but it's just not enough.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. They're as bad as ever right now. I don't really have anything good going for me as far as my career, personal relationships or really anything. I guess I can't continue at this job but I don't know what else I would do. Not really sure what anyone can do in the way of help but I feel like I'm about out of options.

If you get to the point in your job where it's causing suicidal thoughts then it's time to look for another one or consider changing careers. No reason to beat yourself up over not being good at a job.

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Sportsfan - sorry for how things are going - it may not mean much but people here care about your wellbeing.

Not sure if you want to share details about your job but others may have advice on how to deal with the changes or suggest alternate job possibilities.

I work in home mortgage as a closer. Basically preparing settlement statements and documents for the borrower to sign at closing. Several key documents have changed recently as well as timing requirements. I'm missing deadlines and struggling with the communication aspect. There get to be a lot of people involved. I worked more behind the scenes previously which was a lot easier for me.

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Is your apprehension due to being behind or having to interface with people more and you are out of your comfort zone? I've had folks that were fantastic behind the scenes but hated face-to-face work. Could you partner with someone that could do more of the social and let you focus on the details? I'm completely spit-balling here - I know nothing about that line of work.

Either way - I agree with cstu - don't beat yourself up over work. You can get another job in a new industry.

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Sportsfan - sorry for how things are going - it may not mean much but people here care about your wellbeing.

Not sure if you want to share details about your job but others may have advice on how to deal with the changes or suggest alternate job possibilities.

I work in home mortgage as a closer. Basically preparing settlement statements and documents for the borrower to sign at closing. Several key documents have changed recently as well as timing requirements. I'm missing deadlines and struggling with the communication aspect. There get to be a lot of people involved. I worked more behind the scenes previously which was a lot easier for me.

You don't happen to work for Wells Fargo, do you? If so, I apologize. :oldunsure: In seriousness, there are plenty of people in this forum who you can talk to. Just send a PM.

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Is your apprehension due to being behind or having to interface with people more and you are out of your comfort zone? I've had folks that were fantastic behind the scenes but hated face-to-face work. Could you partner with someone that could do more of the social and let you focus on the details? I'm completely spit-balling here - I know nothing about that line of work.

Either way - I agree with cstu - don't beat yourself up over work. You can get another job in a new industry.

Being behind and letting people down is just killing me. I could probably handle the the communication piece if I was able to deal with the volume. In the past I was able to partner with someone who handled more of the social aspect but with the recent changes that's become more difficult and is not really viable in my current role.

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I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at my job. My industry underwent major reform which has drastically changed my job over the past month or so. I've come to realize I'm no longer a good fit. I work longer hours than most of my co-workers but I just can't seem to keep up or get things right. The effort is there. The results are not. I'm just feeling incompetent and worthless. My manager is understanding and trying to cut down on my workload but it's just not enough.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. They're as bad as ever right now. I don't really have anything good going for me as far as my career, personal relationships or really anything. I guess I can't continue at this job but I don't know what else I would do. Not really sure what anyone can do in the way of help but I feel like I'm about out of options.

So sorry to hear. You feel like there aren't any options but once you start doing something, anything, toward helping yourself get back up you'll feel better. While exploring different job options, do you have close friends? The worse thing you can do is become isolated. That will make it worse. By your screen name I assume you are a sports fan ;). I know I perk up even if I'm down when the NBA starts even though life right now is the ####s for me. Do you exercise? Even though I'm in chemo, I'm asked if I do 30 min every day. Uh. Right. I didn't do that before chemo, so now?? Yes, now. Get my bum out on a walk even for 10 minutes and I'll feel better upstairs too. And I do. Also eating better because I have to. All of this comes full circle to helping you feel better which helps your state of mind, to think and be clearer. But it does take a little time and effort. Don't give up. It does get better, it always does eventually. The light is there at the end of the tunnel, just need to put the steps into play to get there. And, you do have folks here who care and support you.

My thoughts are with you. Best wishes. X

ETA: Do you have vacation time? Now wouldn't be a bad time to use it to get away.. :)

I do isolate myself. Very rarely will I do anything during the week after I get off work. I just spend the night at home by myself. I definitely need to start exercising again. I used to really enjoy running 30-40 miles per week. Then I hurt my knee pretty badly multiple times in college which is when things started to go downhill for me. Frequent running is just too painful now. I have some kettlebells though which I can use at home.

Edited by sports_fan
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I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at my job. My industry underwent major reform which has drastically changed my job over the past month or so. I've come to realize I'm no longer a good fit. I work longer hours than most of my co-workers but I just can't seem to keep up or get things right. The effort is there. The results are not. I'm just feeling incompetent and worthless. My manager is understanding and trying to cut down on my workload but it's just not enough.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. They're as bad as ever right now. I don't really have anything good going for me as far as my career, personal relationships or really anything. I guess I can't continue at this job but I don't know what else I would do. Not really sure what anyone can do in the way of help but I feel like I'm about out of options.

If you get to the point in your job where it's causing suicidal thoughts then it's time to look for another one or consider changing careers. No reason to beat yourself up over not being good at a job.

Although we internalize it, a job is just what you do, it's not who you are. Hang in there man.

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I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at my job. My industry underwent major reform which has drastically changed my job over the past month or so. I've come to realize I'm no longer a good fit. I work longer hours than most of my co-workers but I just can't seem to keep up or get things right. The effort is there. The results are not. I'm just feeling incompetent and worthless. My manager is understanding and trying to cut down on my workload but it's just not enough.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. They're as bad as ever right now. I don't really have anything good going for me as far as my career, personal relationships or really anything. I guess I can't continue at this job but I don't know what else I would do. Not really sure what anyone can do in the way of help but I feel like I'm about out of options.

sportsfan you are one of my favorites and honestly a guy around here who i look forward to reading stuff from you make me laugh with your kobme posts and others and i am not good at this and i do not know who to tell you to talk to but please talk to someone and let them help you get through it you are good guy

thanks man :thumbup:

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I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at my job. My industry underwent major reform which has drastically changed my job over the past month or so. I've come to realize I'm no longer a good fit. I work longer hours than most of my co-workers but I just can't seem to keep up or get things right. The effort is there. The results are not. I'm just feeling incompetent and worthless. My manager is understanding and trying to cut down on my workload but it's just not enough.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. They're as bad as ever right now. I don't really have anything good going for me as far as my career, personal relationships or really anything. I guess I can't continue at this job but I don't know what else I would do. Not really sure what anyone can do in the way of help but I feel like I'm about out of options.

So sorry to hear. You feel like there aren't any options but once you start doing something, anything, toward helping yourself get back up you'll feel better. While exploring different job options, do you have close friends? The worse thing you can do is become isolated. That will make it worse. By your screen name I assume you are a sports fan ;). I know I perk up even if I'm down when the NBA starts even though life right now is the ####s for me. Do you exercise? Even though I'm in chemo, I'm asked if I do 30 min every day. Uh. Right. I didn't do that before chemo, so now?? Yes, now. Get my bum out on a walk even for 10 minutes and I'll feel better upstairs too. And I do. Also eating better because I have to. All of this comes full circle to helping you feel better which helps your state of mind, to think and be clearer. But it does take a little time and effort. Don't give up. It does get better, it always does eventually. The light is there at the end of the tunnel, just need to put the steps into play to get there. And, you do have folks here who care and support you.

My thoughts are with you. Best wishes. X

ETA: Do you have vacation time? Now wouldn't be a bad time to use it to get away.. :)

I do isolate myself. Very rarely will I do anything during the week after I get off work. I just spend the night at home by myself. I definitely need to start exercising again. I used to really enjoy running 30-40 miles per week. Then I hurt my knee pretty badly multiple times in college which is when things started to go downhill for me. Frequent running is just too painful now. I have some kettlebells though which I can use at home.

I worked in a surgeon's practice full of arthritic knees and hips. Maybe you can get into swimming, biking, double tennis if you play.. activities that aren't hard on the joints. I saw many marathon runners come through there and they got into swimming. They said it was actually more relaxing than running. It's great aerobic exercise. Then you can put in the routine some weight lifting. Maybe join a gym that offers many activities. Great place to make friends, too and to maybe hang with afterwards. It's not just the job that is ailing you. You mentioned personal relationships and now an activity you really enjoy you can't do. Start with things you can change up while you are getting the job thing worked out.

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my first post in this thread:

sports_fan - i can empathize with your plight at work. i'm not a fan of change, at all, and worked for 15+ years in an industry that i was at least apathetic about, and at most hated. it was hard just to get up in the AM, put on the the uniform, and head into a day/week/month/year where i felt overwhelmed consistently. not that i wasn't proficient in my selling of that particular widget, but just detested the environment: bosses, co-workers, etc.

it took a lot, and i mean a LOT, to quit and try something else. and it wasn't easy. and there were some tough times to get through, both personally and professionally. and it did get better, by an order of magnitude.

maybe this doesn't necessarily apply to your situation. just wanted to let you know, like others have said, work is work. if you need to make a change, i encourage you to do so. if you need to vent, bounce ideas, or anything else, feel free to send PM.

good luck and be well.

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This is my first contribution to this thread. I've been keeping up with it because the topic hits very close to home for me. So I thought I'd share my story with you guys. I know it's going to sound crazy, and that's one reason why I have resisted posting it. But it's all very true.

My dad committed suicide when I was 15. Well actually, we are pretty sure it was suicide, but he also could have been killed. But all signs point to suicide.

He was not a "normal" dad. He was Italian and took that very seriously. He had a "gang" (my cousin and a couple of my dad's friends) that would rob banks. According to my cousin, they robbed "so many banks he couldn't count them all." We moved from Detroit to Phoenix when I was 10, and he used to travel back to the Cleveland/Detroit area on the weekends and rob banks. I have all kinds of stories about growing up in that environment that I'm probably going to put in a book some day.

Well one day in March of 1982, we get a knock on the door at 6 AM. The police are there and say my dad was found dead in a taxi cab in downtown Phoenix. I was a sophomore in high school. It was headlines in the newspapers for three days because a couple of his gang members were arrested a few days earlier. The cab driver was also killed, but there was one survivor - the other gang guy. He said my dad took out a gun, shot the cab driver, tried to shoot him, and then turned the gun on himself. The police report and the angle of the bullets all collaborate the story, but in the back of our minds we always felt like this other guy might have had something to do with it. However, I have recently reread all the police reports and I am pretty convinced that it was suicide. The weird thing is that he had just gotten back from Vegas and was found with several fake ID's on him.

The other part of the story is that he had a real-estate business that was going under. He was probably very strapped for cash and had five kids. He was a very strict dad and really did love us a lot. He didn't show love in the form of hugs and saying he loved us, but he really did. He taught us about life in a way that I don't think any other dad could have. He was uneducated (never even attended high school), yet opened two businesses and was elected as the president of the Arizona Board of Realtors. I have tried to follow in his footsteps regarding business (except for the failing part...), and I really think it is because of him that I have had the success I have.

When he died, it was very strange. We never got counseling as a family. And I never cried about his death. We weren't close in that way. And in a way, it was kind of a relief because he was into so much bad stuff that I knew he was going to bring me into it when I was older. So in one way it was a good thing he died when he did. But on the other hand, there is nothing I would like more than to have a dad in my life. I have always wanted to have an older guy who has been around the block in my life to have a drink with and talk about things. And I have always wanted my kids to have a grandpa, and they don't (my wife's dad died young).

So I am a bit torn about his death. I am thankful it happened, but mad that he chose that lifestyle and eventually ended up dying because of it. I have missed out on a lot becasue of it, and I have promised myself that I am going to do everything I can do to make sure I am around for my kids as they age because it's someting I really missed out on.

Well, that's the short version of my story. I'm not sure if it helps anyone, but it's actually the first time I've ever written anything about it. I'm going to go have a beer now.

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This is my first contribution to this thread. I've been keeping up with it because the topic hits very close to home for me. So I thought I'd share my story with you guys. I know it's going to sound crazy, and that's one reason why I have resisted posting it. But it's all very true.

My dad committed suicide when I was 15. Well actually, we are pretty sure it was suicide, but he also could have been killed. But all signs point to suicide.

He was not a "normal" dad. He was Italian and took that very seriously. He had a "gang" (my cousin and a couple of my dad's friends) that would rob banks. According to my cousin, they robbed "so many banks he couldn't count them all." We moved from Detroit to Phoenix when I was 10, and he used to travel back to the Cleveland/Detroit area on the weekends and rob banks. I have all kinds of stories about growing up in that environment that I'm probably going to put in a book some day.

Well one day in March of 1982, we get a knock on the door at 6 AM. The police are there and say my dad was found dead in a taxi cab in downtown Phoenix. I was a sophomore in high school. It was headlines in the newspapers for three days because a couple of his gang members were arrested a few days earlier. The cab driver was also killed, but there was one survivor - the other gang guy. He said my dad took out a gun, shot the cab driver, tried to shoot him, and then turned the gun on himself. The police report and the angle of the bullets all collaborate the story, but in the back of our minds we always felt like this other guy might have had something to do with it. However, I have recently reread all the police reports and I am pretty convinced that it was suicide. The weird thing is that he had just gotten back from Vegas and was found with several fake ID's on him.

The other part of the story is that he had a real-estate business that was going under. He was probably very strapped for cash and had five kids. He was a very strict dad and really did love us a lot. He didn't show love in the form of hugs and saying he loved us, but he really did. He taught us about life in a way that I don't think any other dad could have. He was uneducated (never even attended high school), yet opened two businesses and was elected as the president of the Arizona Board of Realtors. I have tried to follow in his footsteps regarding business (except for the failing part...), and I really think it is because of him that I have had the success I have.

When he died, it was very strange. We never got counseling as a family. And I never cried about his death. We weren't close in that way. And in a way, it was kind of a relief because he was into so much bad stuff that I knew he was going to bring me into it when I was older. So in one way it was a good thing he died when he did. But on the other hand, there is nothing I would like more than to have a dad in my life. I have always wanted to have an older guy who has been around the block in my life to have a drink with and talk about things. And I have always wanted my kids to have a grandpa, and they don't (my wife's dad died young).

So I am a bit torn about his death. I am thankful it happened, but mad that he chose that lifestyle and eventually ended up dying because of it. I have missed out on a lot becasue of it, and I have promised myself that I am going to do everything I can do to make sure I am around for my kids as they age because it's someting I really missed out on.

Well, that's the short version of my story. I'm not sure if it helps anyone, but it's actually the first time I've ever written anything about it. I'm going to go have a beer now.

It sounds like you had a very interesting upbringing. Thanks for posting, I know it may not have been easy for you to do so. I can relate somewhat tp your story. My mom committed suicide with a gun in our basement. It was in the middle of the night. I was 11 years old. I'm not sure that I even knew people did that, let alone my own mother. My father was an alcoholic and was rarely at home so I never really got to know him. On that day I basically was orphaned. My sisters took care of me for a few years after that and I dont know where I would be if not for them, probably dead. The weird thing for me was that we received no counseling whatsoever. This happened on a Thursday morning, wake on friday, funeral Saturday, and I was back in school on Monday. I was in some sort of weird state on that Monday, very hard to describe but it was a scared feeling.

So anyway, I went on to alcohol and drug use a few years later, and then I got married and had 2 kids. Lived a fairly normal life but I knew something was still wrong with me, mainly depression and anxiety. So 38 years after my mother killed herself I attempted to kill myself also. Many strange factors combined for me to still be here today. I guess my main point is that in my era of childhood these types of things were just not dealt with in a good manner. I should have never been sent back to school so soon. I should have been seen by a counselor, but none of this happened.

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This is my first contribution to this thread. I've been keeping up with it because the topic hits very close to home for me. So I thought I'd share my story with you guys. I know it's going to sound crazy, and that's one reason why I have resisted posting it. But it's all very true.

My dad committed suicide when I was 15. Well actually, we are pretty sure it was suicide, but he also could have been killed. But all signs point to suicide.

He was not a "normal" dad. He was Italian and took that very seriously. He had a "gang" (my cousin and a couple of my dad's friends) that would rob banks. According to my cousin, they robbed "so many banks he couldn't count them all." We moved from Detroit to Phoenix when I was 10, and he used to travel back to the Cleveland/Detroit area on the weekends and rob banks. I have all kinds of stories about growing up in that environment that I'm probably going to put in a book some day.

Well one day in March of 1982, we get a knock on the door at 6 AM. The police are there and say my dad was found dead in a taxi cab in downtown Phoenix. I was a sophomore in high school. It was headlines in the newspapers for three days because a couple of his gang members were arrested a few days earlier. The cab driver was also killed, but there was one survivor - the other gang guy. He said my dad took out a gun, shot the cab driver, tried to shoot him, and then turned the gun on himself. The police report and the angle of the bullets all collaborate the story, but in the back of our minds we always felt like this other guy might have had something to do with it. However, I have recently reread all the police reports and I am pretty convinced that it was suicide. The weird thing is that he had just gotten back from Vegas and was found with several fake ID's on him.

The other part of the story is that he had a real-estate business that was going under. He was probably very strapped for cash and had five kids. He was a very strict dad and really did love us a lot. He didn't show love in the form of hugs and saying he loved us, but he really did. He taught us about life in a way that I don't think any other dad could have. He was uneducated (never even attended high school), yet opened two businesses and was elected as the president of the Arizona Board of Realtors. I have tried to follow in his footsteps regarding business (except for the failing part...), and I really think it is because of him that I have had the success I have.

When he died, it was very strange. We never got counseling as a family. And I never cried about his death. We weren't close in that way. And in a way, it was kind of a relief because he was into so much bad stuff that I knew he was going to bring me into it when I was older. So in one way it was a good thing he died when he did. But on the other hand, there is nothing I would like more than to have a dad in my life. I have always wanted to have an older guy who has been around the block in my life to have a drink with and talk about things. And I have always wanted my kids to have a grandpa, and they don't (my wife's dad died young).

So I am a bit torn about his death. I am thankful it happened, but mad that he chose that lifestyle and eventually ended up dying because of it. I have missed out on a lot becasue of it, and I have promised myself that I am going to do everything I can do to make sure I am around for my kids as they age because it's someting I really missed out on.

Well, that's the short version of my story. I'm not sure if it helps anyone, but it's actually the first time I've ever written anything about it. I'm going to go have a beer now.

Thanks for posting. These stories are great, and the amount of posts here help people know that they are not alone. It's also cathartic to let it out.

My mom died when I was nine. My dad was a nutjob who she kept in check. After she was gone it got bad. Dad used to lock my bother and I in a room for weeks on end, letting us out to use the bathroom and eat, and go to school. He did other weird punishments too, along with hitting us, but never in the face so people wouldn't notice. The emotional abuse was way worse than getting hit, though. Not even close. We never told anyone, because - we knew we better not tell anyone. Long story short - at 14 I grabbed a flashlight, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans one night and headed out the window. Never came back. The plan was find a place where I could live and then get my brother out. When I finally found a spot, he was scared to leave. I know dad was putting the fear in him. I was 14 and didn't know what to do. Social services got involved at one point and even they couldn't get the truth out of my brother. Hell, even I hid some things because I was so scared of that man. I kept in touch with my brother as much as I could, even sneaking to the house when I got my driver's license when I knew dad wasn't there.

Fast forward years later, and my brother's ok - has a wife and a kid, owns his own house. He's an alcoholic, but were are working on that. I moved out to Denver to work. I was single at the time. I'd never felt suicidal. I'd never laid a hand on anyone in my life, unless it was a fight at a bar or something like that. I started having these ####ed up dreams, though. I'd have dreams of me taking a shotgun and mowing down faceless "beings". They never looked like people, really, except every once in a while a face of someone from the past would pop in as one of the people being shot (like this one guy that bullied my brother in school when I wasn't around). It was never graphic in the dreams - it was just more the feel of killing things that I hated - feelings that I hated. It was so strange. I'd wake up in a sweat thinking "What in the hell was that all about?!?"

It never affected me during the day, that I could tell. The dreams weren't every night - just a few nights a week, maybe? Then, it changed a little over time. Instead of me mowing down people, I'd have these intense dreams that would wake me up where I'd feel like all was lost and I should blow my brains out. It always happened when I was still in that half awake-half asleep state (those few minutes after you first wake up). It really worried me. I would wonder - am I depressed? I'd get out of bed and within 10 minutes the sense of dread would be gone. I never felt it during the day - just in that half dream state when you are just waking up or have just started to fall asleep.

It doesn't happen much anymore. I've never told anyone before this, but anonymity is a security blanket of sorts, I guess. I don't know why I wanted to type this now, other than all the other stories I've read in this thread made me comfortable in typing it.

Thank you guys for posting. It helped me. As I was typing this, it hit me that my brother is all I have left, and my weird dreams didn't start until I'd moved away from him and we stopped talking to each other on a daily basis. It felt so damn good to type this stuff out, and there's loads more I'd love to get off my chest. I'm thinking maybe I should find a professional just to dump all this on, and bounce ideas off of. I've come to terms with not having parents, but obviously there's still anger/sadness about something. Maybe my brother? I don't know.

Does insurance cover a shrink? I'm going to look into mine.

Anyway, thanks for posting, everyone. It was good to read about people that have been through far more than I have. It puts my issues into perspective. I need to tackle this and get it taken care of. It could be holding me back and I haven't even realized it.

Feel free to PM me if anyone needs help. I'm definitely not as experienced or knowledgeable as many already here, but sometimes you hear something and it just "clicks" with you and you want to reach out. If so, I'll do what I can. I'm going to try the shrink route and see what that does. If you are thinking about the same thing, let me know and I'll keep you up to date on what it did/is doing for me.

Keeping this stuff inside is not good. Let it out.

Edited by Hoss Style
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Very thankful for this thread, a really helpful read on nights like tonight. I haven't been through half the stuff some of the people here have been through, but I've had suicidal thoughts that come and go. Probably the only reason I haven't acted on those thoughts is the reminder of how awful I'd make my friends/family feel. The thoughts can get bad, though - I have a terrible habit of dwelling on my mistakes, and blowing them way out of proportion. I hunker down and feel like nothing will help. Logical reasons not to worry go out the window.

Tonight's been a textbook example - I messed up at work today. No small mistake, but in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter that much. No matter how many times I tell myself that, though, it doesn't help. It's felt like a total gut punch. Crawled into bed way earlier than usual and started having suicidal thoughts again. Between the stresses of work and school, it just feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water - and any small turbulence totally puts me under.

I'd been religiously following the steps in a book I found called "the depression cure," and kind of fell off the tracks these last few months. Need to get back on, as I could really use it.

Not exactly sure how to conclude this, other than to apologize for my rambling - needed to get some stuff off my chest. Holding out hope that I feel better tomorrow.

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Very thankful for this thread, a really helpful read on nights like tonight. I haven't been through half the stuff some of the people here have been through, but I've had suicidal thoughts that come and go. Probably the only reason I haven't acted on those thoughts is the reminder of how awful I'd make my friends/family feel. The thoughts can get bad, though - I have a terrible habit of dwelling on my mistakes, and blowing them way out of proportion. I hunker down and feel like nothing will help. Logical reasons not to worry go out the window.

Tonight's been a textbook example - I messed up at work today. No small mistake, but in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter that much. No matter how many times I tell myself that, though, it doesn't help. It's felt like a total gut punch. Crawled into bed way earlier than usual and started having suicidal thoughts again. Between the stresses of work and school, it just feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water - and any small turbulence totally puts me under.

I'd been religiously following the steps in a book I found called "the depression cure," and kind of fell off the tracks these last few months. Need to get back on, as I could really use it.

Not exactly sure how to conclude this, other than to apologize for my rambling - needed to get some stuff off my chest. Holding out hope that I feel better tomorrow.

No need to apologize. People in here care and want to help if they can. This thread is very long but amongst people's stories you'll find lots of helpful advice as well. Feel free to use this thread as a blog and we'll be here waiting to cheer you on! Best wishes for many great tomorrows. X

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Very thankful for this thread, a really helpful read on nights like tonight. I haven't been through half the stuff some of the people here have been through, but I've had suicidal thoughts that come and go. Probably the only reason I haven't acted on those thoughts is the reminder of how awful I'd make my friends/family feel. The thoughts can get bad, though - I have a terrible habit of dwelling on my mistakes, and blowing them way out of proportion. I hunker down and feel like nothing will help. Logical reasons not to worry go out the window.

Tonight's been a textbook example - I messed up at work today. No small mistake, but in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter that much. No matter how many times I tell myself that, though, it doesn't help. It's felt like a total gut punch. Crawled into bed way earlier than usual and started having suicidal thoughts again. Between the stresses of work and school, it just feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water - and any small turbulence totally puts me under.

I'd been religiously following the steps in a book I found called "the depression cure," and kind of fell off the tracks these last few months. Need to get back on, as I could really use it.

Not exactly sure how to conclude this, other than to apologize for my rambling - needed to get some stuff off my chest. Holding out hope that I feel better tomorrow.

I almost came back and deleted my post until I read this. I hate putting my personal business out there, and have been uncomfortable about my post since I hit "Post". I feel like "who am I to complain?"

But you are getting the feelings at the same times I was sometimes - when laying down about to fall sleep. Maybe I can help. If it gets serious, do what I did:

Get up! Just get the #### up, turn the lights on and walk around. Force yourself to do it (and it will be difficult because your thoughts seem to hold you there). Grab a glass of water, pet the dog, stand on your porch/deck and get some fresh air. Say to yourself "It's not that bad, really. Life is good" - outloud if you have to. It was amazing for me how quickly after getting up and turning on the light that the sense of dread dissipated.

Keep your stereo remote by your side. When you get those feelings, queue up a song or album you love. Sometimes instead of getting up, I'd pop in headphones to sleep. Singing outloud felt great, and almost instantly made me forget the grim feeling I had.

Those two things always worked for me. I hope that they may help you. If it doesn't help, then call one of those hotlines. It sounds cheesy, I know, but they deal with this all the time. I never called one, so I can't tell you what it's like, but giving in and calling is better than not being around anymore.

Seriously, though - try the stuff I listed. It may really help. So you lose an hour of sleep - who cares? You'll feel better, and sleep better anyway.

Edited by Hoss Style
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Very thankful for this thread, a really helpful read on nights like tonight. I haven't been through half the stuff some of the people here have been through, but I've had suicidal thoughts that come and go. Probably the only reason I haven't acted on those thoughts is the reminder of how awful I'd make my friends/family feel. The thoughts can get bad, though - I have a terrible habit of dwelling on my mistakes, and blowing them way out of proportion. I hunker down and feel like nothing will help. Logical reasons not to worry go out the window.

Tonight's been a textbook example - I messed up at work today. No small mistake, but in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter that much. No matter how many times I tell myself that, though, it doesn't help. It's felt like a total gut punch. Crawled into bed way earlier than usual and started having suicidal thoughts again. Between the stresses of work and school, it just feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water - and any small turbulence totally puts me under.

I'd been religiously following the steps in a book I found called "the depression cure," and kind of fell off the tracks these last few months. Need to get back on, as I could really use it.

Not exactly sure how to conclude this, other than to apologize for my rambling - needed to get some stuff off my chest. Holding out hope that I feel better tomorrow.

I almost came back and deleted my post until I read this. I hate putting my personal business out there, and have been uncomfortable about my post since I hit "Post". I feel like "who am I to complain?"

But you are getting the feelings at the same times I was sometimes - when laying down about to fall sleep. Maybe I can help. If it gets serious, do what I did:

Get up! Just get the #### up, turn the lights on and walk around. Force yourself to do it (and it will be difficult because your thoughts seem to hold you there). Grab a glass of water, pet the dog, stand on your porch/deck and get some fresh air. Say to yourself "It's not that bad, really. Life is good" - outloud if you have to. It was amazing for me how quickly after getting up and turning on the light that the sense of dread dissipated.

Keep your stereo remote by your side. When you get those feelings, queue up a song or album you love. Sometimes instead of getting up, I'd pop in headphones to sleep. Singing outloud felt great, and almost instantly made me forget the grim feeling I had.

Those two things always worked for me. I hope that they may help you. If it doesn't help, then call one of those hotlines. It sounds cheesy, I know, but they deal with this all the time. I never called one, so I can't tell you what it's like, but giving in and calling is better than not being around anymore.

Seriously, though - try the stuff I listed. It may really help. So you lose an hour of sleep - who cares? You'll feel better, and sleep better anyway.

Singing always helps me when I get really down too... not sure if theres a physical reason for it (more oxygen maybe?) but it rarely fails to help.

Bud29, if you're having thoughts you should definitely talk to someone you trust about it... do not try to tough it out alone. Depression is a b**** and it's hard to think clearly sometimes. Set yourself up with a support group that can help if needed, but remember they cant help if they don't know what's going on

You're absolutely right about the family/friends part. I have an extended family member who's fiance jumped off a bridge in front of him last week... he's absolutely destroyed right now. If not for yourself, do it for them.

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Very thankful for this thread, a really helpful read on nights like tonight. I haven't been through half the stuff some of the people here have been through, but I've had suicidal thoughts that come and go. Probably the only reason I haven't acted on those thoughts is the reminder of how awful I'd make my friends/family feel. The thoughts can get bad, though - I have a terrible habit of dwelling on my mistakes, and blowing them way out of proportion. I hunker down and feel like nothing will help. Logical reasons not to worry go out the window.

Tonight's been a textbook example - I messed up at work today. No small mistake, but in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter that much. No matter how many times I tell myself that, though, it doesn't help. It's felt like a total gut punch. Crawled into bed way earlier than usual and started having suicidal thoughts again. Between the stresses of work and school, it just feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water - and any small turbulence totally puts me under.

I'd been religiously following the steps in a book I found called "the depression cure," and kind of fell off the tracks these last few months. Need to get back on, as I could really use it.

Not exactly sure how to conclude this, other than to apologize for my rambling - needed to get some stuff off my chest. Holding out hope that I feel better tomorrow.

I almost came back and deleted my post until I read this. I hate putting my personal business out there, and have been uncomfortable about my post since I hit "Post". I feel like "who am I to complain?"

But you are getting the feelings at the same times I was sometimes - when laying down about to fall sleep. Maybe I can help. If it gets serious, do what I did:

Get up! Just get the #### up, turn the lights on and walk around. Force yourself to do it (and it will be difficult because your thoughts seem to hold you there). Grab a glass of water, pet the dog, stand on your porch/deck and get some fresh air. Say to yourself "It's not that bad, really. Life is good" - outloud if you have to. It was amazing for me how quickly after getting up and turning on the light that the sense of dread dissipated.

Keep your stereo remote by your side. When you get those feelings, queue up a song or album you love. Sometimes instead of getting up, I'd pop in headphones to sleep. Singing outloud felt great, and almost instantly made me forget the grim feeling I had.

Those two things always worked for me. I hope that they may help you. If it doesn't help, then call one of those hotlines. It sounds cheesy, I know, but they deal with this all the time. I never called one, so I can't tell you what it's like, but giving in and calling is better than not being around anymore.

Seriously, though - try the stuff I listed. It may really help. So you lose an hour of sleep - who cares? You'll feel better, and sleep better anyway.

Depression is serious. You can't compare situations and say who am I to complain, obviously this person has it worse. Your situation is affecting you in how you are feeling. You must not compare to others. An example is myself. I have stage 3 cancer. When I read people who are dying in the stage 4 forums and here I am doing well, who am I to complain? But those sweet ladies take your concerns and feelings to heart and really try to help you. They tell me the same thing I'm telling you. You can't compare situations/people. It's affecting you so it is important.

Edited by CurlyNight
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  • 2 weeks later...

Very thankful for this thread, a really helpful read on nights like tonight. I haven't been through half the stuff some of the people here have been through, but I've had suicidal thoughts that come and go. Probably the only reason I haven't acted on those thoughts is the reminder of how awful I'd make my friends/family feel. The thoughts can get bad, though - I have a terrible habit of dwelling on my mistakes, and blowing them way out of proportion. I hunker down and feel like nothing will help. Logical reasons not to worry go out the window.

Tonight's been a textbook example - I messed up at work today. No small mistake, but in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter that much. No matter how many times I tell myself that, though, it doesn't help. It's felt like a total gut punch. Crawled into bed way earlier than usual and started having suicidal thoughts again. Between the stresses of work and school, it just feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water - and any small turbulence totally puts me under.

I'd been religiously following the steps in a book I found called "the depression cure," and kind of fell off the tracks these last few months. Need to get back on, as I could really use it.

Not exactly sure how to conclude this, other than to apologize for my rambling - needed to get some stuff off my chest. Holding out hope that I feel better tomorrow.

keep your head up we all make mistakes anyhow and that is being human i think the best thing anyone can do is just be good to those around you and reading your posts here i think you are a good person so hey just stay strong and pull through you have friends here

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I've followed this thread I've learned a lot from it.


I've been hesitant to post anything because I don't have the frame of reference to offer advice, and it's always the tendencies of guys to want to identify a problem and then offer a solution, and I realize that any advice I'd offer would be inadequate at best.


So instead, I've read the stories and the support that everyone else has offered in this thread, and I've appreciated the wisdom and support that has been offered.


Each post gives me things to think about, and an empathy for people here who have rough days and ongoing struggles.


I have a very logical type personality and when I was a kid, I remember thinking that if someone wanted to commit suicide, society shouldn't try and stop them. It just made sense to my shallow understanding that people should be free to make their own choices about their life.


Until I watched a White Shadow episode (a TV series in the 70's about a high school basketball team) where one of the classmates was suicidal, and a member of the team befriended them and only then began to learn of the other kid's struggles that no one else knew about or even thought to ask about. I haven't seen that episode since it aired, but it permanently changed my outlook on suicide.


The Golden Gate story above, which I recommend to everyone, reminded me of the White Shadow episode. The guy that jumped off the bridge does an excellent job of explaining why a person might make that choice.


But much more importantly, he is living proof that things can get better. Plus, there's a real world ending to his story - he fully understands that he still has the same challenges and difficulties, but he now knows how to manage them, and how to get help with them, and how to build and use a support system.


That was a very life-affirming video for me, it had kind of the same impact the White Shadow episode did all those years ago, and made me want to write this.


So what I really want to say is that I'm very sorry to read the stories on here of each person that has rough days and rough stretches, and I, along with many others, am rooting for you to feel better and to find ways to cope with and manage your challenges.


I'm glad this thread exists for people to write their thoughts when they are having a tough day.


And I'm very appreciative of all the good people in this thread who have perspective to offer, wisdom to share, and heartfelt support to give. We all learn from it.

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I've been rereading Spark: New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John Ratey. It makes a convincing argument for the benefits of exercise on brain function and mental health. I started working out every morning to get my heart rate up for 15-20 minutes; focusing on the mental benefits and not worrying about seeing physical changes. My mood and the way that I handle stress on a day-to-day basis has improved noticeably.

I have the same job and I'm still not getting out very much but things are starting to look a bit better.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Have you ever looked at your face so much

Until it became askew?

Cause the road that's less traveled is the one that leads right back to you

And Lord, I'm frightened for I fear that my lack of life

Is my crime.

I am a wall I must climb.

Thank you all for this thread. I'm going internet-silent for some extended period of time starting tomorrow. Unlike usual, I will not be able to get messages from anyone, and I'm sorry for this. Can't be helped, however. I wish everyone here the very best, and feel nothing but deep gratitude and love for all. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

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I'm feeling great over the last couple of weeks. I had a really bad run about six weeks ago with feeling down. I'll be around tonight if anyone needs to talk. Pm or on here. Dead and Company are streaming on XM tonight from LA. I expect a 10pm start east coast. There should be some links or periscope's on Reddit. The reason I mention this, is that it's going to keep me in a great mood tonight and pretty distracted. If your feeling down, check it out. Hth.

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Have you ever looked at your face so much

Until it became askew?

Cause the road that's less traveled is the one that leads right back to you

And Lord, I'm frightened for I fear that my lack of life

Is my crime.

I am a wall I must climb.

Thank you all for this thread. I'm going internet-silent for some extended period of time starting tomorrow. Unlike usual, I will not be able to get messages from anyone, and I'm sorry for this. Can't be helped, however. I wish everyone here the very best, and feel nothing but deep gratitude and love for all. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Best to you Henry. Hope you check back in and let us know everything is all right periodically.

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Have you ever looked at your face so much

Until it became askew?

Cause the road that's less traveled is the one that leads right back to you

And Lord, I'm frightened for I fear that my lack of life

Is my crime.

I am a wall I must climb.

Thank you all for this thread. I'm going internet-silent for some extended period of time starting tomorrow. Unlike usual, I will not be able to get messages from anyone, and I'm sorry for this. Can't be helped, however. I wish everyone here the very best, and feel nothing but deep gratitude and love for all. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Hang in there brother.
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Have you ever looked at your face so much

Until it became askew?

Cause the road that's less traveled is the one that leads right back to you

And Lord, I'm frightened for I fear that my lack of life

Is my crime.

I am a wall I must climb.

Thank you all for this thread. I'm going internet-silent for some extended period of time starting tomorrow. Unlike usual, I will not be able to get messages from anyone, and I'm sorry for this. Can't be helped, however. I wish everyone here the very best, and feel nothing but deep gratitude and love for all. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Best wishes - I've not posted but this thread has been therapeutic for me in a difficult, dark time for me personally & I appreciate your contributions - stay well

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Have you ever looked at your face so much

Until it became askew?

Cause the road that's less traveled is the one that leads right back to you

And Lord, I'm frightened for I fear that my lack of life

Is my crime.

I am a wall I must climb.

Thank you all for this thread. I'm going internet-silent for some extended period of time starting tomorrow. Unlike usual, I will not be able to get messages from anyone, and I'm sorry for this. Can't be helped, however. I wish everyone here the very best, and feel nothing but deep gratitude and love for all. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Take good care and best wishes to you. X

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Have you ever looked at your face so much

Until it became askew?

Cause the road that's less traveled is the one that leads right back to you

And Lord, I'm frightened for I fear that my lack of life

Is my crime.

I am a wall I must climb.

Thank you all for this thread. I'm going internet-silent for some extended period of time starting tomorrow. Unlike usual, I will not be able to get messages from anyone, and I'm sorry for this. Can't be helped, however. I wish everyone here the very best, and feel nothing but deep gratitude and love for all. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Love you buddy, be well and get back to us when the time is right.

love all you guys, hope you're well, and have a great new year.

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