How old the kids?
10, 8, 5
Does she work?
Yes
Make more money than you?
No
Is there someone else?
No. She doesn't spend her time going out or doing anything else. Her daily routine is exactly the same, like clockwork. I'm confident there is no one else.
Sounds like you guys are in a bad place and should try counseling at least if you do split up, you can communicate better.
But it looks like it is done.
Sorry man
Ya. Reading over what I wrote, it looks that way. I think counseling will help us, or at least me. Just hard to give up on someone you've known and loved for so many years because they aren't happy with themselves. The part that bothers me is that she doesn't realize that she's taking it out on everyone around her. Or if she does, she doesn't seem to care.
You don't need her to go to marriage counseling. You've got plenty of work you can do before that. Truth be told, you're probably a perfectly normal couple, and all couples go through ruts and rough patches over the course of decades together. It's ridiculous top think you wouldn't. And if you're a normal couple, then the sad reality is you're probably a ####ty husband. Most of us are. We expect sec and hey mad when it doesn't happen, but she expects things that aren't happening, too. And if it's easy to resent being asked to take out the garbage when all you want is a blow job, imagine how much worse it is to be asked to suck a #### when all you want is for him to take out the ####### garbage.
If you want to repair the relationship, it's pretty simple.
1) stop sucking. Stop doing the things that really piss her off. Cut down on the things she doesn't like, but tolerates. Stop creating new resentment.
2) improve. Noticeably improve. Start doing the things that matter. Fix that creaky stair, clean out the garage stall, do the chores that would make her happy. But more important, talk to her. Tell her about that crappy thing at work, tell funny stories, listen to her stories and ask questions about things that have been bothering her. These are the things that get lost when you're in a resentment phase.
3) be patient. Don't expect her to notice that you've been acting nice or that you caulked that crack. This isn't about getting credit. And definitely don't tell her your trying harder. She has to notice on her own, and not one single act, but the overall improvement. She will. And it will be much better if she noticed on her own.
4) don't ask her to improve. She will notice the things you're doing, just like you'd notice if she started coming home and sucking your #### more often. Give her some time to take this in, and adjust in her own way.
5) give her a chance. If she doesn't respond the way you'd hoped, then get a sitter and set up a date night that you'd both enjoy. Make it clear that what you want is time alone together. Not just sex, but a date night, maybe even a hotel room. And don't talk about your relationship. Have fun doing something you both enjoy. See a concert. Watch a good movie. Get a fancy meal. And enjoy it together - don't just do something she wants, or you want. Don't walk on eggshells. Have fun and try to make her laugh.
6) communicate. If you do all thay aid and you don't see a change, now's the time to talk to her. But make sure your not just blasting away at the things she does or doesn't do. Don't get mad that you're not having sex. Put your moves on her. Talk to her about the things you were doing wrong and how you're trying to fix them. Figure out the things you want her to do, then try to figure out how you can help make the transition work. Like if you want her to work out after work, then you need to pick up the kids and get them feed and watered. Or if you want her to cook, then tell her you want her famous meatballs and get the kids to ask for them. Then offer to pick up the ingredients and get the kids or of her hair so she can do it. Faciliate the improvements you want her to make.
7) stop asking people for advice. Your relationship is your unique thing, and a bunch of Internet sociopaths who are divorced or never married aren't going to help. Their advice will be to break up with your girlfriend because that's what they do. You don't have a girlfriend. You have a wife, and it sounds like that means something to you. So fix your self, then work with her to improve the things you want, and stop day dreaming about taking the easy way out and getting divorced. You can always do that later if you must, but nothing good comes from thinking about the path of last resistance as a viable option.