Kanil
Footballguy
I've got my 7yo replying to people with "Got all of them cut", now. He's the best.Co-worker: "Did you get a hair cut?"
Me: "Yeah, but actually....I got a lot of them cut."
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Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter ChiefD
- Start date
shuke
Black Ice Skeptic
Hov34
Eephus's Great Great Great Love Child
Got this from my sister, can't stop. Kids are starting to do it:
Anytime, anyone asks where something is or comments that they have misplaced something I shoot back "If it were up your butt you'd know".
Again, I can't recommend this one enough. When your kids, wife, butler ask "where something is" just let this one rip.
belljr
Footballguy
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Keerock
Footballguy
ragincajun
Footballguy
Don't Noonan
Footballguy
We used to go to IHOP for breakfast on weekends growing up. They always have a sign up front that says Please wait to be seated. My Dad would cover up the s on seated and say, "not sure this is a good idea"
Nigel
Footballguy
Just got this done. Bought a hideous red turtleneck sweater at TJ Maxx and, lying on my stomach, shimmied all of my lower body under the tree. Then I rested my face between my hands, elbows on floor, and smiled with as much gaiety as I could muster. My youngest daughter was my photographer, she thought it was the "creepiest thing I've ever done."
Keerock
Footballguy
or it didn’t happen
Nigel
Footballguy
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Jaysus
Good times!
if I send you a self-addressed stamped envelope would you send me in autographed eight-by-ten?
northern exposure
Footballguy
Family vacations are great for shtick opportunities. My wife takes pics of me and my two sons (12 and 14) and I insist on yelling "Deuces" and doing this:
https://www.google.com/search?q=people+giving+deuces+sign&hl=en&tbm=isch&prmd=ivn&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwib9NDu8KrfAhUwzlkKHWZADAgQ_AUICSgB&biw=800&bih=1280&dpr=1#imgrc=RyAUCuR_Mt-EiM
Or I make the Johnny Football money sign. My boys beg me to stop.
Once the photo is taken, I yell "Peace! Out!" and mime dropping the mic. My sons hate it.
https://www.google.com/search?q=people+giving+deuces+sign&hl=en&tbm=isch&prmd=ivn&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwib9NDu8KrfAhUwzlkKHWZADAgQ_AUICSgB&biw=800&bih=1280&dpr=1#imgrc=RyAUCuR_Mt-EiM
Or I make the Johnny Football money sign. My boys beg me to stop.
Once the photo is taken, I yell "Peace! Out!" and mime dropping the mic. My sons hate it.
Nigel
Footballguy
northern exposure
Footballguy
My best friend's Dad used to share his "knowledge" with me. Back then he would tell me he had this earring on guys thing figured out. His saying was "Left is alright, right is wrong!".
OrtonToOlsen
Footballguy
My students ask every time I get a haircut. I usually just answer with “no”. If they continue to ask or question me I just keep in denying that I got a haircut. It’s a match of wills. I always win.Co-worker: "Did you get a hair cut?"
Me: "Yeah, but actually....I got a lot of them cut."
Tecumseh
Footballguy
Until they respond with, "you wouldn't."Got this from my sister, can't stop. Kids are starting to do it:
Anytime, anyone asks where something is or comments that they have misplaced something I shoot back "If it were up your butt you'd know".
Jaysus
Good times!
Tom Servo
Nittany Beavers
I'd really, really want to channel my inner early 70s man with Hai Karate cologne
ETA: You have to be careful how you use it.
ETA: You have to be careful how you use it.
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mr. furley
Footballguy
lately when a phone# pops up on my cell & it's a local number instead of ignoring it i'll answer and if they ask for a man or woman i'll say "yes, this is his/her husband.. how can i help you?"
usually ends with a confused pause on their end and then a hang up but sometimes a question or two before i hang up.
usually ends with a confused pause on their end and then a hang up but sometimes a question or two before i hang up.
Bossman
Footballguy
Haven't used this shtick in a while ... might be time to bring it back out;
I LOVE pushing my wifes buttons. It entertains me. Maybe the negative attention is better than no attention? I don't know why I enjoy it so much.
When at a party / social event and we're meeting new people, as we are a pasty white 50 year old couple, I'll sometimes introduce my wife as my baby mama. "this is my baby mama, Carol".
The trick is to pull this off with a straight face. My wife rolls her eyes and tells them that I'm "such an azhat".
Then those new people realize we're the fun ones ... or they have no sense of humor and scurry away from the weirdos.
Either way, cracks me up.
I LOVE pushing my wifes buttons. It entertains me. Maybe the negative attention is better than no attention? I don't know why I enjoy it so much.
When at a party / social event and we're meeting new people, as we are a pasty white 50 year old couple, I'll sometimes introduce my wife as my baby mama. "this is my baby mama, Carol".
The trick is to pull this off with a straight face. My wife rolls her eyes and tells them that I'm "such an azhat".
Then those new people realize we're the fun ones ... or they have no sense of humor and scurry away from the weirdos.
Either way, cracks me up.
ChiefD
Footballguy
I like to use:Got this from my sister, can't stop. Kids are starting to do it:
Anytime, anyone asks where something is or comments that they have misplaced something I shoot back "If it were up your butt you'd know".
"If it was in your mouth you wouldn't talk so much."
SWC
Bromigo
that stuff stunk so damned bad brohan jeez it was bad take that to the bank bromigoI'd really, really want to channel my inner early 70s man with Hai Karate cologne
ETA: You have to be careful how you use it.
AAABatteries
Footballguy
I use this one but only with my wife and use it any time she’s talking.ChiefD said:
Good Posting Judge
Footballguy
NotSmart
Footballguy
Keerock
Footballguy
AAABatteries
Footballguy
That is OUTSTANDINGGood Posting Judge said:
crnerblitz
Footballguy
At work whenever i see someone eating something, i'll casually ask "You going to eat all that?" Good stuff.
Wrigley
Footballguy
gianmarco
Footballguy
Wrigley
Footballguy
Good Posting Judge
Footballguy
ragincajun
Footballguy
Saw this online the other day and tried it on my wife and kids. Gold Jerry! Gold!
Ask them to walk on your back or try and crack your back etc. right before they do slip 2 dry elbow macaroni between your molars and as they step on your back bite down. It was awesome.
Ask them to walk on your back or try and crack your back etc. right before they do slip 2 dry elbow macaroni between your molars and as they step on your back bite down. It was awesome.
CR69
Footballguy
So I've been at it for a few months now. She replaced the batteries in her mouse, got a new mouse and calls IT every couple of weeks. I almost feel bad at this point. Almost.
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Good Posting Judge
Footballguy
Kids want to get an air horn for use at the golf course nearby. Feel like I'm a bad father if I don't do this.
ChiefD
Footballguy
Don’t do this. Some drunk ###### on the golf course will drive a ball at your house.
Good Posting Judge
Footballguy
Jaysus
Good times!
I feel like most of my shtick is high-five related, and the vast majority of it is aimed at my kids, but I've been fine tuning this one for a little bit and figured I would share... Anyway, my son is in 1st grade and is involved in way to many activities, which means I am often in the presence of a bunch of short 1st graders. I have the majority of them fooled, and they still think I am cool so I like to engage with high fives. The shtick part is that I hold my hand up at adult high-five level and shout "High five!" to them. They inevitably jump and miss; in the past I would lower my hand and give them a redemption-five, but now after they miss the first time I just shoot them with the double hand guns (sound effects and all) and say "maybe next time" or "you gotta jump higher than that". The confused look on their ensuing faces is priceless.
Ron Swanson
Footballguy
Pretend to know nothing about sports. I was at a clients earlier this week and they had a giant bracket board in their break room. I asked what it was and they looked at me sort of confused and said it was their brackets and was I playing any? So I told them, no, I don't even know who's in the Super Bowl this year. One guy there who was wearing a headscarf and muttering about the weather got wound up real tight over it.
nirad3
Footballguy
Phil Elliott
Footballguy
Very easy these days to tell the young ones about how easy they have it. They don't have to walk 5 miles to school in 3 feet of snow uphill (both ways) to/from school.
Scott Tenorman
Footballguy
Beef Ravioli
Footballguy
Edit to add: someone filled me in.
Did you ever let them know you were schticking them or is this gonna go on for a bit?
If you carry the schtick to far, that could be bad. Reminds me of this story: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/598/my-undesirable-talent/act-two
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Beef Ravioli
Footballguy
Buck Bradcanon
Footballguy
I live in South Texas and in my burb in particular there are tons of trucks with lift kits and the like. I loudly proclaim "GIT R DONE" to no one but myself every single time I see one.
