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A note to my coworker ... (7 Viewers)

Bert said:
Dear Speaker phone Guy,Pick up the damn phone you idiot. :yawn: Using the speaker phone for every call does not make you cool. It makes you an f'n dork. :)
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The best IT thinking I ever saw was at a former job where they disabled the speakerphone option on all the desk phones in cube-ville. You had dorks with headsets on all day, but that was much better than having to listen to some self-important d-bag listening to his voicemail at top volume.
 
Dear manager/co-worker:

Listen I'm not perfect either but just because I worked on some small piece of a project 7 years ago and am the only one left in the company that did this project, THIS does not make me the resident expert.

Please stop dropping my name in meetings and having everyone call me on this subject. I'm no longer affiliated with the group that did this project or the group that would be working on it now. Could I figure it out and possibly help? Yes. But by the time I figured it all out again - you should be able to also.

So instead of being lazy and looking for the quick answers - why don't you do what I would and step through the stinking code and figure it out.

SO STOP CALLING ME - I don't KNOW the ANSWERS!!!!

Thanks for hearing me out.

[/rant]

 
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To the guy that works dayshift,

You should really try to get into my pants more often. I promise you'll like the results.

Salaciously yours,

Early

 
Dear office administrator,

Hiking up your pants in the front only makes your front ### look more like an ### not less.

Just FYI.

 
Dear Cheap SOBs,

When you go to a department lunch your drink is not free and tax & tip are not included in the price on the menu. :goodposting: The next time one of these yahoos puts in $10 for an entree that was $9.50 I think I'm going to ask if they took math in grade school.

 
Dear drug-testing-lady,

The way you attempt to make small talk while holding a glass of my urine is admirable, but makes me uncomfortable.

Call me,

Print Is Dead

 
Dear Nigel and all who have contributed,

the thread is pure @@@@ing gold. keep up the good work :thumbup:

now back to page 4....

 
SeveredHorseHeads said:
Thanks for sending an 750 page print job to the single page printer. I know it's probably a big deal to walk the extra five steps to the high volume printers around the corner. Oh yeah, don't bother filling the paper tray either when it inevitably runs out of paper trying to print the novel you sent it. Just leave it like that for most of the day so someone else will do it in an effort to free the printer for others to use. Better yet, after everything is finished, don't even bothing picking the finished product up. Just leave it there until someone throws it out. Probably wasn't important anyway. Whatever your printing must not be, since you do this every other week. Maybe instead of throwing it out, this time, I'll come by your cube and spike it in your ####### face.SHH
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I can't be the only one that cancels these jobs if they're in my way, am I? Either get in there via the network, or just turn the printer off, wait, and then back on.Why should you have to wait for someone else's job? Your SeveredHorseHeads, damnit! :rolleyes:
 
popeye said:
Hey pal in the next office, Here's a tip. When giving your credit card number out to the operator over the phone, perhaps you could lower your voice a few decibels. Well, at least next time. As for now, thanks for the new big screen.xoxo,Popeye
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:D :lmao: :lmao:
 
Nigel Tufnel said:
I don't care that you went to Steak and Ale on Valentine's day. Really, I don't. And, despite what you might think, getting your picture taken there for $10 a snap from a wandering photo peddler is not a "good deal." Oh, and the two photos (did I mention they were $10 a piece?) of you and your baby-daddy that display the hickey on his neck convey, no, scream "class."

Feel free to vent your coworker frustrations with me in here. I will update this thread a lot.
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Are you the fry cook or lettuce washer?
 
GreekFreak said:
Nigel Tufnel said:
I don't care that you went to Steak and Ale on Valentine's day. Really, I don't. And, despite what you might think, getting your picture taken there for $10 a snap from a wandering photo peddler is not a "good deal." Oh, and the two photos (did I mention they were $10 a piece?) of you and your baby-daddy that display the hickey on his neck convey, no, scream "class."

Feel free to vent your coworker frustrations with me in here. I will update this thread a lot.
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Are you the fry cook or lettuce washer?
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:blackdot: :shrug: :shrug:
 
Dear mother across the hall,

Please stop screaming at your husband on the phone about your two children. I understand that you have your husband's balls on your pocketbook but that does not mean you have the right to berate him on speaker phone. There is a reason why you were divorced before after less than a year of marriage.

 
Hey Boss,

Just a quick note. When you stand in front of the window of our 8x16 office to drop your draws to tuck in your shirt, that smell you detect is a little bit of vomit in my mouth at the site of your disgusting tighty whitey's and your hairy patchy thighs.

Uggh,

Dave

 
dtour77 said:
Hey Boss,

Just a quick note. When you stand in front of the window of our 8x16 office to drop your draws to tuck in your shirt, that smell you detect is a little bit of vomit in my mouth at the site of your disgusting tighty whitey's and your hairy patchy thighs.

Uggh,

Dave
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:lmao: I'm really trying not to get a mental picture of this. :lmao: But what are "hairy patchy thighs"?I don't think I want to know.

 
Dearest Boss,

The idea you ran by me this morning to see if it was technically feasible is one of the most mind-blowingly stupid ideas in the history of ever. Can we now skip the part where I build it for you, and then you blame for the project's failure, ignoring the inanity of the original idea? Also, your office smells like a tangy fart.

Longingly,

Print Is Dead

 
Dear Over-protective PE teacher,

I was with you right up until you started tripping children. It just comes off as poor teaching. Love the Birkenstocks though. :boxing:

 
Dear teacher at lunch today,

It is extremely rare that I eat out unless it is with a client. Today I thought it would be nice to take my wife out for a bite to eat since she is off on Monday's. When the waitress came to bring your bill and asked you if you needed anything else, you replied "yes, a parent would be nice. I'm a teacher and off today. I didn't want to be around kids."

Yes, there were five kids around your table. Of course it was for literally 3 minutes. As you were getting your bill & preparing to leave.

Listen you wrinkled old crank. Maybe if you don't want to be around kids, don't go a place voted "most family friendly of 2005" as the plaque on the wall says. Also, you are off for PRESIDENT'S DAY. Are you kidding me! Excluding the 3 months you take in the summer off, you get more vacation days than any other working person in the US of A.

I especially like that after you put down a whopping $15 for the bill, you came back and took a $1 off the table after the waitress walked away. That sandwich, salad & half slab ribs you and your husband devoured, must have been on special.

I hope there are a lot of tacks on you chair tomorrow morning you crusty old bag.

The children are our future,

Bob

 
Sack-Religious said:
dtour77 said:
Hey Boss,

Just a quick note. When you stand in front of the window of our 8x16 office to drop your draws to tuck in your shirt, that smell you detect is a little bit of vomit in my mouth at the site of your disgusting tighty whitey's and your hairy patchy thighs.

Uggh,

Dave
Click to expand...
:shrug: I'm really trying not to get a mental picture of this. :goodposting: But what are "hairy patchy thighs"?I don't think I want to know.
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But yet you asked. I'm sorry my good friend.This is what i'm referring to, but on the thigh: (not actually my boss, but similar)

 
Dear partner of CPA firm or my boss,

If we are going out to a client's on so and so day, it would be helpful if you told me exactly what we are going to be doing out there. Whether it's a compilation, a review, a full out audit, or simply twiddling our thumbs, I need some information. Also, it'd be helpful if you tell me the full name of the client we are going to. If the client's name is XXXXX International and we have several other XXXXX as clients and you only tell me that we are going out to XXXXX, how the #### am I supposed to know where we are going? It's not that hard. You giving me a little info will only cost you a few seconds and will save me several minutes of looking through files trying to figure out we're we are going and what we need for the job. On that note, if XXXXX is a brand new client, please tell me. I don't want to go searching in the file room for last year's file when there aren't any. You know I've only been here since September. Think for a minute and start communicating, ####er.

Sincerely yours,

Disgruntled staff accountant eoMMan

 
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Dear CPA manager above me and CPA partner of this firm,

You're married and each of you have popped out a few kids, how do you keep your ### so tight and small? Also, you obviously make pretty good coin.....does your hubbie appreciate you? That's all.

Keep it tight,

eoMMan

 
eoMMan said:
Dear CPA manager above me and CPA partner of this firm,You're married and each of you have popped out a few kids, how do you keep your ### so tight and small? Also, you obviously make pretty good coin.....does your hubbie appreciate you? That's all. Keep it tight,eoMMan
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pics please
 
Dear too-comfortable-pooping-at-work;

I've passed you on my way out of the bathroom as you were entering with your coffee, morning newspaper and some sort of food in a paper bag. However, I didn't know that you actually brought both into the stall with you until now.

Bringing the food and drink into the stall with you is one thing. But, actually reading the paper, drinking the coffee and eating your food while doing your business as if this public toilet were your kitchen table at home is quite frankly a little bizarre.

I'm trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible and hearing you slurping your coffee and munching on your food while casually reading the paper, while obviously evacuating your bowels, is disturbing to say the least.

Yours in pooping,

S-R

 
Sack-Religious said:
Dear too-comfortable-pooping-at-work;I've passed you on my way out of the bathroom as you were entering with your coffee, morning newspaper and some sort of food in a paper bag. However, I didn't know that you actually brought both into the stall with you until now.Bringing the food and drink into the stall with you is one thing. But, actually reading the paper, drinking the coffee and eating your food while doing your business as if this public toilet were your kitchen table at home is quite frankly a little bizarre.I'm trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible and hearing you slurping your coffee and munching on your food while casually reading the paper, while obviously evacuating your bowels, is disturbing to say the least.Yours in pooping,S-R
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:banned:I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. On some level, he's eating fecal vapor.
 
Shooter McGavin said:
Sack-Religious said:
Dear too-comfortable-pooping-at-work;I've passed you on my way out of the bathroom as you were entering with your coffee, morning newspaper and some sort of food in a paper bag. However, I didn't know that you actually brought both into the stall with you until now.Bringing the food and drink into the stall with you is one thing. But, actually reading the paper, drinking the coffee and eating your food while doing your business as if this public toilet were your kitchen table at home is quite frankly a little bizarre.I'm trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible and hearing you slurping your coffee and munching on your food while casually reading the paper, while obviously evacuating your bowels, is disturbing to say the least.Yours in pooping,S-R
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:shrug:I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. On some level, he's eating fecal vapor.
Click to expand...
:banned:
 
Sack-Religious said:
Dear too-comfortable-pooping-at-work;I've passed you on my way out of the bathroom as you were entering with your coffee, morning newspaper and some sort of food in a paper bag. However, I didn't know that you actually brought both into the stall with you until now.Bringing the food and drink into the stall with you is one thing. But, actually reading the paper, drinking the coffee and eating your food while doing your business as if this public toilet were your kitchen table at home is quite frankly a little bizarre.I'm trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible and hearing you slurping your coffee and munching on your food while casually reading the paper, while obviously evacuating your bowels, is disturbing to say the least.Yours in pooping,S-R
Click to expand...
i had a roommate who used to do this. He got up much earlier than I did, so the only way I knew was he always left his plate on the back of the toilet. After a few days I asked him what was with the plate and was shocked at his matter of fact response.
 
Print Is Dead said:
Sack-Religious said:
Dear too-comfortable-pooping-at-work;I've passed you on my way out of the bathroom as you were entering with your coffee, morning newspaper and some sort of food in a paper bag. However, I didn't know that you actually brought both into the stall with you until now.Bringing the food and drink into the stall with you is one thing. But, actually reading the paper, drinking the coffee and eating your food while doing your business as if this public toilet were your kitchen table at home is quite frankly a little bizarre.I'm trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible and hearing you slurping your coffee and munching on your food while casually reading the paper, while obviously evacuating your bowels, is disturbing to say the least.Yours in pooping,S-R
Click to expand...
i had a roommate who used to do this. He got up much earlier than I did, so the only way I knew was he always left his plate on the back of the toilet. After a few days I asked him what was with the plate and was shocked at his matter of fact response.
Click to expand...
Rubes?
 
Dear severely overweight Caribou Coffee girl,

I'm not your "dude" despite us knowing each other for 4 months now. Also, whether or not I get the "10 cents off" trivia question, I don't need to give "knuckles." You will rotate out of here soon, I'm hopeful, but in the meanwhile, I'll avoid any contact with you.

Your love of the Chicago Bears is not interesting to me, and your disappointment on their Super Bowl loss only made me think of the massive amount of food you must have engorged during the game. :moneybag:

Thanks a lot. PS: Barf.

MTS

 
Nigel Tufnel said:
Print Is Dead said:
Sack-Religious said:
Dear too-comfortable-pooping-at-work;I've passed you on my way out of the bathroom as you were entering with your coffee, morning newspaper and some sort of food in a paper bag. However, I didn't know that you actually brought both into the stall with you until now.Bringing the food and drink into the stall with you is one thing. But, actually reading the paper, drinking the coffee and eating your food while doing your business as if this public toilet were your kitchen table at home is quite frankly a little bizarre.I'm trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible and hearing you slurping your coffee and munching on your food while casually reading the paper, while obviously evacuating your bowels, is disturbing to say the least.Yours in pooping,S-R
Click to expand...
i had a roommate who used to do this. He got up much earlier than I did, so the only way I knew was he always left his plate on the back of the toilet. After a few days I asked him what was with the plate and was shocked at his matter of fact response.
Click to expand...
Rubes?
Click to expand...
No, Steve. God, I've had some gross roommates.
 
MelvinTScupper said:
Dear severely overweight Caribou Coffee girl,I'm not your "dude" despite us knowing each other for 4 months now. Also, whether or not I get the "10 cents off" trivia question, I don't need to give "knuckles." You will rotate out of here soon, I'm hopeful, but in the meanwhile, I'll avoid any contact with you.Your love of the Chicago Bears is not interesting to me, and your disappointment on their Super Bowl loss only made me think of the massive amount of food you must have engorged during the game. :XThanks a lot. PS: Barf.MTS
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Are you certain this is a girl?
 
Print Is Dead said:
Nigel Tufnel said:
Print Is Dead said:
Sack-Religious said:
Dear too-comfortable-pooping-at-work;I've passed you on my way out of the bathroom as you were entering with your coffee, morning newspaper and some sort of food in a paper bag. However, I didn't know that you actually brought both into the stall with you until now.Bringing the food and drink into the stall with you is one thing. But, actually reading the paper, drinking the coffee and eating your food while doing your business as if this public toilet were your kitchen table at home is quite frankly a little bizarre.I'm trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible and hearing you slurping your coffee and munching on your food while casually reading the paper, while obviously evacuating your bowels, is disturbing to say the least.Yours in pooping,S-R
Click to expand...
i had a roommate who used to do this. He got up much earlier than I did, so the only way I knew was he always left his plate on the back of the toilet. After a few days I asked him what was with the plate and was shocked at his matter of fact response.
Click to expand...
Rubes?
Click to expand...
No, Steve. God, I've had some gross roommates.
Click to expand...
:X
 
Nigel Tufnel said:
MelvinTScupper said:
Dear severely overweight Caribou Coffee girl,I'm not your "dude" despite us knowing each other for 4 months now. Also, whether or not I get the "10 cents off" trivia question, I don't need to give "knuckles." You will rotate out of here soon, I'm hopeful, but in the meanwhile, I'll avoid any contact with you.Your love of the Chicago Bears is not interesting to me, and your disappointment on their Super Bowl loss only made me think of the massive amount of food you must have engorged during the game. :XThanks a lot. PS: Barf.MTS
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Are you certain this is a girl?
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God, no.It's a fairly safe assumption, though.
 
Dear hot girl at the front desk,

Please stop making me wish I was corduroy for you to wear down.

 
Shooter McGavin said:
Sack-Religious said:
Dear too-comfortable-pooping-at-work;I've passed you on my way out of the bathroom as you were entering with your coffee, morning newspaper and some sort of food in a paper bag. However, I didn't know that you actually brought both into the stall with you until now.Bringing the food and drink into the stall with you is one thing. But, actually reading the paper, drinking the coffee and eating your food while doing your business as if this public toilet were your kitchen table at home is quite frankly a little bizarre.I'm trying to get in and out of there as quickly as possible and hearing you slurping your coffee and munching on your food while casually reading the paper, while obviously evacuating your bowels, is disturbing to say the least.Yours in pooping,S-R
Click to expand...
:DI just threw up in my mouth a little bit. On some level, he's eating fecal vapor.
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Yup. God, I have some gross co-workers. :D The poop molecules that float around as someone is going poop that can get into anything and everything around are referred to as poopeycules, in my house. Although I do like the term fecal vapor.
 
Print Is Dead said:
Dearest Boss,

The idea you ran by me this morning to see if it was technically feasible is one of the most mind-blowingly stupid ideas in the history of ever. Can we now skip the part where I build it for you, and then you blame for the project's failure, ignoring the inanity of the original idea? Also, your office smells like a tangy fart.

Longingly,

Print Is Dead
Click to expand...
:no: :lmao: :lmao: Great, great line. :goodposting:

 
Dear 78 year old President of the company,

I like you a lot. You're a nice guy and treat me well. And I know that I'm the youngest one here and am the only one that has even a clue how to reboot the simple Netgear wireless router that we have. I'm also quite aware that not only do you not have a computer but that you'd rather touch a rabid mouse under the sink than one attached to a computer. But I've now told you at least a dozen times that I can't send email from YOUR email account on MY computer. It's setup to go through the secretary's computer so that you're not getting email from 3 different people and/or getting 3 copies of each email. And yet you insist on giving me all of your handwritten notes for emails that you want to send. Every single time I just wait until you leave for the day and give them to the secretary.

Also, I sit approximately 15 feet from the secretary. When you yell out of your office at the secretary to tell her that you want to see me in your office, I can hear you as well. There's no need to get her involved. Better yet, the phone system has a very easy to use direct-dial extension system that I've only shown you how to use about 10 times.

Chiseled in rock and mailed by Pony Express,

Grove Diesel

 
Dearest Electrical Engineer who can't work the copier:

Congrats on being good at exactly one thing in what I imagine is your lonely, lonely life. I know it's a lot to expect that you be able to work with all that crazy ### lab equipment you have AND be able to understand the vagaries of a piece of technology that has been standard in offices for at least 20 years.

I hope you get a paper cut on your unsued genitalia that gets infected and the thing falls off.

Mimeographically yours,

SM

 
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