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My life after the passing of my wife - 6 years later!!! (1 Viewer)

It's been 12 weeks since my wife passed.  Doing about as well as can be expected.  Learning to live on my own, really for the first time ever.  Still trying to find my way.  My son seems to be doing well.  He's back at school with his friends.

I feel like I'm in limbo between respecting the relationship I had with my wife and moving on with my own life.  I guess that means I'm not ready to move on yet.  Taking it one day at a time.

Thanks for listening and letting me ramble.

 
As a fellow widower, you have my sympathy and empathy. She'll always be with you (phone rings are the worst - 20 yrs on, i still sometimes flash that it's her) but, soon, you'll realize that she wants you to be happy and that the best way to honor her is to do so. Your son will take your lead on this. All the best - i'm a PM away if you need to talk to a fellow stranger. 

 
cheeseypoof said:
It's been 12 weeks since my wife passed.  Doing about as well as can be expected.  Learning to live on my own, really for the first time ever.  Still trying to find my way.  My son seems to be doing well.  He's back at school with his friends.

I feel like I'm in limbo between respecting the relationship I had with my wife and moving on with my own life.  I guess that means I'm not ready to move on yet.  Taking it one day at a time.

Thanks for listening and letting me ramble.
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Hang in there. My bff who is like a sis to me is approaching the 1 year anniversary since her sis's passing from cancer. It took months for her not to be so sad all the time. She's doing better now but there are days and reminders for both of us really. What's really helped her is her 1:1 with a grief counselor and going to a grief group which she wouldn't go without me. Also get out to take your mind off things. Force yourself out of the house and the routine that reminds you of her. It's baby steps/ 1 day at a time for sure, but it does get better. xx

 
CurlyNight said:
Hang in there. My bff who is like a sis to me is approaching the 1 year anniversary since her sis's passing from cancer. It took months for her not to be so sad all the time. She's doing better now but there are days and reminders for both of us really. What's really helped her is her 1:1 with a grief counselor and going to a grief group which she wouldn't go without me. Also get out to take your mind off things. Force yourself out of the house and the routine that reminds you of her. It's baby steps/ 1 day at a time for sure, but it does get better. xx
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Keeping as busy as I can. 

Last weekend, two of her good HS friends invited me to accompany them the their 30th HS reunion.  Surprisingly, I had a good time (not a very social person outside of known people/situations).  I knew enough people there that it didn't feel awkward and they made me a "honorary" member of their class.  It was a little overwhelming. 

I'm just trying to taking it one day, hour and/or minute at a time.
 
cheeseypoof said:
It's been 12 weeks since my wife passed.  Doing about as well as can be expected.  Learning to live on my own, really for the first time ever.  Still trying to find my way.  My son seems to be doing well.  He's back at school with his friends.

I feel like I'm in limbo between respecting the relationship I had with my wife and moving on with my own life.  I guess that means I'm not ready to move on yet.  Taking it one day at a time.

Thanks for listening and letting me ramble.
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It's great to hear from you and I'm glad that you and your son are making the best out of things.  I think you guys have both shown amazing strength and courage dealing with what you guys have gone through.   I really respect and admire the both of you.   Don't ever consider what you are doing "rambling".  Although it always doesn't seem like it--everybody that posts in the FBG is like a family. I assure you that there is not a single person in here that doesn't want hear about how you and your son are doing.  In fact--I personally would love if you'd post updates even more often.   Wishing you and your son the best.  

 
Thanks for listening and letting me ramble.
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You're not rambling, although I bet it feels that way.  My dad died a year ago, and I had to become my mother's legal guardian.  That plus the legal issues just made me feel somewhat distracted pretty much all the time.  It's just harder to feel really sharp and with it.  That part does get better over time.

So carry on rambling.  We don't mind one bit.

 
Weekdays are the toughest with my son being down in Philly at school so I'm home alone.  Weekends almost feel normal because my son and I go to his bowling league and tournaments.  My wife didn't usually go so it still seems relatively normal.  I need to find somebody to text when he does well or complain to when he does poorly.  Lol

 
18 weeks today since my wife passed away.  Been a tough week as tomorrow would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary.  Picking my son up from college tomorrow and we are spending the day with friends of mine.  

Doing ok otherwise.  Signed up for a free Match.com account just to gauge what's out there.  Don't think I'm truly ready to dive in completely, just testing the waters.

Wednesday night the church my wife belonged to is having a Feast of All Souls mass and she will be remembered.  I'll probably go even though the church/religion thing is outside my comfort zone.  She wouldn't have expected me to go but feel I should to try and honor her memory.  My inlaws will be there.  I'll just have to suck it up for an hour.  LOL

Still spending the weekends with my college student son doing the bowling thing.  Weekdays are still a mess.  Once I get home from work I usually don't go back out.  Going to try and start trying to find things to do.  I realize I need to but the desire just isn't there yet.  Baby steps, but progress none the less.

Doing Thanksgiving with my cousins for a change.  Usually it was with her family, or the occasional trip somewhere.  Just not ready to deal with the in law family dynamic yet.  She was always my buffer to that insanity and I'm not ready to do it alone.

Christmas my son and I are going to figure out our own thing to do.  We are heading to Maine to visit my brother for New Years.

Other than that, just trying to take it day by day and see where my life takes me from here.

Cheeseypoof.

 
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Hang in there, brother.

I know you aren't asking for advice and I also know everyone's different, but I might a little bit about dipping my toe into the dating scene just yet. Maybe get the holidays behind me first? I do think joining a group for whatever interests you have (reading, cooking, making beer, etc....) might help with some of your non-kid time, though.

Just some thoughts

 
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Uruk-Hai said:
Hang in there, brother.

I know you aren't asking for advice and I also know everyone's different, but I might a little bit about dipping my toe into the dating scene just yet. Maybe get the holidays behind me first? I do think joining a group for whatever interests you have (reading, cooking, making beer, etc....) might help with some of your non-kid time, though.

Just some thoughts
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You're probably correct.  I think it's more a function of being bored and just messing around online.

 
I didn't see this the first time around and I'm very sorry for your loss.  We went through pretty much the same thing with my MIL six years ago. She finally got the score she needed for the transplant at Yale and everything looked like it was gonna work out.  A couple of hours into the surgery her pancreas failed and she passed.  My wife will never be the same. Good luck with easing back in.  I hope you find peace.

 
PIK95 said:
I didn't see this the first time around and I'm very sorry for your loss.  We went through pretty much the same thing with my MIL six years ago. She finally got the score she needed for the transplant at Yale and everything looked like it was gonna work out.  A couple of hours into the surgery her pancreas failed and she passed.  My wife will never be the same. Good luck with easing back in.  I hope you find peace.
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Thank you.  Sorry for your loss.  It's never easy.

 
cheeseypoof said:
Weekdays are still a mess.  Once I get home from work I usually don't go back out.  Going to try and start trying to find things to do.  I realize I need to but the desire just isn't there yet.  Baby steps, but progress none the less.

Cheeseypoof.
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It's not unusual to not do much during the work week.  By the time you get done working, wtf wants to go out?  I want to chill out.  Now if the loneliness is the issue, that's a different story, but there isn't nothing wrong with being an urban hermit m-f.  If anything maybe hit up a gym a few days a week after work.

 
Hang in there bud.  I doubt there's any real rule of thumb but 18 weeks seems a bit short to get back in the game publicly after a long term marriage.  At least it might to the in-laws, her friends and most importantly your son.  Like the other poster said you might want to wait publicly until at least after the holidays.

 
You're all probably correct on the dating thing.  It's more of a flirtation.  I signed up for the free account.  I just flip through the profiles that pop up.  Haven't contacted anybody.  Not sure I will, it's just a curiosity to me right now.  Uncharted waters for me for sure.  Making my way through a thick fog with no instruments and waiting to pop out the other side.

 
cheeseypoof said:
You're all probably correct on the dating thing.  It's more of a flirtation.  I signed up for the free account.  I just flip through the profiles that pop up.  Haven't contacted anybody.  Not sure I will, it's just a curiosity to me right now.  Uncharted waters for me for sure.  Making my way through a thick fog with no instruments and waiting to pop out the other side.
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okcupid.com is a good one for free to flip through the profiles. hang in there man.

 
Willie Neslon said:
okcupid.com is a good one for free to flip through the profiles. hang in there man.
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If any of the gals willie puts you onto ask you to do the Oklahoma Thanksgiving, don't get nervous. It's the same damn thanksgiving everybody else has - willie's people think theirs is somehow special. Humor them. One foot in front of the other, feel the love inside the pain, go Cubs.

 
As to the dating - I'd travel lightly until after Valentines day. Lots of land mines between now - the holidays and Valentines that will be a mess.

Is your son 21 yet? Since you like Bowling I'd suggest a trip to Brooklyn Bowl in Brooklyn or Las Vegas - or the the originator of the concept the RockNBowl in New Orleans. Find a rock show - rent a lane and Bowl while listening to some great music

One step at a time you are on your way - it will be a good time,

 
Are you in a bowling league or is it just your son?

They are a great way to meet people and the mixed leagues are more of a "fun" theme compared to the more competitive mens leagues.

 
eoMMan said:
Are you in a bowling league or is it just your son?

They are a great way to meet people and the mixed leagues are more of a "fun" theme compared to the more competitive mens leagues.
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Just him.  He does a lot of youth/junior tournaments on the weekends.  I did bowl but stopped.  Had an ankle/knee issue.  Probably okay to get back at it.  He's got a couple more years bowling youth so I'm/we're focusing on that right now.

Mixed league is definitely a thought for the future.

 
There is no time frame for when someone is "supposed" to be feeling better. We just went through last weekend of 1 year anniversary after the death of my bff's sis from pancreatic cancer. Of course she's better than she was last year, but it was a replay of last year and she's lost tread again. And my battling cancer doesn't help her move on. Baby steps. She's seeing a therapist not only for this but she has a crazy family. If anyone is reading my cancer journal, I've included this drama as I'm always involved in some way or another. Do what you need to do and taking care of you first should be your priority. You'll know when you're ready to seriously look to date. And remember, it doesn't have to be dating your looking for. I would look for friendship over dating if I suffered a loss of my spouse. If it goes somewhere then fine, but dating gives an silent implication that you're looking for serious which I doubt you are now and for awhile yet. A site I hear so much about for more serious folks is ourtime.com. It says for 50 and over but there are 40 somethings in there too. Best wishes to you. xxx

 
cheeseypoof said:
You're all probably correct on the dating thing.  It's more of a flirtation.  I signed up for the free account.  I just flip through the profiles that pop up.  Haven't contacted anybody.  Not sure I will, it's just a curiosity to me right now.  Uncharted waters for me for sure.  Making my way through a thick fog with no instruments and waiting to pop out the other side.
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Sounds like you are doing it right. Just take your time and do whatever you are comfortable with.  The iDating thread has some good tips on building your profile. You might have already read through.  The emptiness will never completely go away and you will think about her everyday, just a little less frequently as time passes.  Just keep doing what you are doing.  Focus on your son and slowly fill the gaps when he is not there.  

 
I didn't have a rooting interest before, but I do now. Go Cubs!

I'm praying for you cheesy. I wish I had some sound advice, or some comforting words to help make the tough times more bearable. Just know that joy is there for you. Happiness. Love. Just up the road. It's hard to say when you'll get there, but just keep putting one foot in front of the next and you will. 

 
I, too, somehow missed this.  As someone who recently went through very serious health issues myself, perhaps the most lasting impressions were to see how my flirtation with death affected those around me... can only imagine what you have been through. Hope this outlet and sounding board has been and continue to help you navigate through this, keep your wife's memory alive and enable you to move to the next phase of your life.

May it be filled with much happiness and joy for you and especially your son.

 
The thing that really hit me when my father died is just how final death is. I encourage anyone who wants to say something to someone or do something for someone to not wait. Life is too short. Make it count.

 
I know we're all just accounts and not faces on this chat forum, but my deepest condolences to you. 

I can only imagine that after all that time, 18 weeks probably feels like it's been longer than the almost 22 years. 

Best wishes!

 
Tomorrow will be 5 months since she passed.  Anticipated the holidays would be tough and to that end my son and I looked for different things to do other than the same holiday traditions.  Today we are going to my cousins house for dinner with my family, rather than the normal thanksgiving dinner with her family.  Christmas will be something similar.

Even though I thought it would be hard spending my favorite holiday without my wife for the first time since 1990, I was not ready for the emotions that welled up this morning.  Woke up this morning and the emotions took over.  I was a wreck for about an hour.  Now I'm just kind of melancholy.  Think I'll be ok once I get to my cousins house and not hanging at home.

 
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cheeseypoof said:
Tomorrow with be 5 months since she passed.  Anticipated the holidays would be tough and to that end my son and I looked for different things to do other than the same holiday traditions.  Today we are going to my cousins house for dinner with my family, rather than the normal thanksgiving dinner with her family.  Christmas will be something similar.

Even though I thought it would be hard spending my favorite holiday without my wife for the first time since 1990, I was not ready for the emotions that welled up this morning.  Woke up this morning and the emotions took over.  I was a wreck for about an hour.  Now I'm just kind of melancholy.  Think I'll be ok once I get to my cousins house and not hanging at home.
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Barely getting through the day myself. It's kind of different for me because we never built any thanksgiving memories with Riley but it's still so hard. Today is actually 3 months since she's gone.

Thinking of you today and I hope you get through the day as best as possible.

 
kutta said:
Shady and Cheesey, thank you both for sharing your journeys with us. You've both opened our eyes to what is truly important in life, and what better way to recognize that than on Thanksgiving. Thank you both.
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I agree with Kutta.  Your honesty going through very tough life situations have been helpful for so many people.  I know you are thankful for the time you had with your loved ones, even if way too brief.  Take care.

 
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