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A guy is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks it up and throws it as far as he can. Two years later theres a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?'
There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.
Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.
But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."
Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.
"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.
To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,
"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my d*ck', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the manager. When the manager came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The manager: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The manager: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room the client asked the manager to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange weighing exactly 73g. The manager agreed though he was curious about the weird things the client asked for. The client went into his room without asking for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the manager, his own room was room 40, right across the hall from 39. After midnight, the manager heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Sounds of wild animals braying and howling, of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor and breaking. The manager didn't sleep at all that night, he just lay there listening, wondering what might be going on in there to cause all that noise.
In the morning the client handed the keys to the desk, and the manager went up to give the room a check out once over. He went into the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual, no broken cutlery or animal dirt - he even found the thread, the black knife and the orange sitting neatly on the table. The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The manager was a bit shaken up but he didn't reveal what he heard to anyone. As time passed he even started to doubt he'd heard it himself, perhaps he'd dreamed it?
After one year, the same guy walks into the lobby. He asked to speak to the manager once again and asked the exact same items and the exact same location: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and a 73g orange. The manager retired to his room later that evening and spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight the same voices and noises started, this time louder and even wilder than the year before!
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face! Intrigued, the manager started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked him to provide; Why did he ask for room 39? Why the white thread? Why the black knife??? But no matter how much he pondered the situation he drew a blank.
A year passed, the manager watched the calendar, eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client had showed up the previous 2 years. Then, on the first day of March, the same chap showed up. Once again, he asked the same questions, wanted to book the same room, wanted the same things as before and, once again, The manager laid awake hearing the same noises, this time reaching a cacophony of mad screeching, clawing, gargling, mooing, clucking, smashing, cymbals and at one point he was sure he heard a trombone.
In the morning, as the client was leaving the hotel, the manager approached the young man, apologizing politely, and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret!''
So he leaned in and whispered his secret to the astonished manager. His mouth hung open as the man left and he walked back to his office shaking his head in utter disbelief.
However, the manager was a sincere person and to this day he hasn't revealed that secret to anyone. Good for him.
A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the manager. When the manager came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The manager: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The manager: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room the client asked the manager to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange weighing exactly 73g. The manager agreed though he was curious about the weird things the client asked for. The client went into his room without asking for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the manager, his own room was room 40, right across the hall from 39. After midnight, the manager heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Sounds of wild animals braying and howling, of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor and breaking. The manager didn't sleep at all that night, he just lay there listening, wondering what might be going on in there to cause all that noise.
In the morning the client handed the keys to the desk, and the manager went up to give the room a check out once over. He went into the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual, no broken cutlery or animal dirt - he even found the thread, the black knife and the orange sitting neatly on the table. The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The manager was a bit shaken up but he didn't reveal what he heard to anyone. As time passed he even started to doubt he'd heard it himself, perhaps he'd dreamed it?
After one year, the same guy walks into the lobby. He asked to speak to the manager once again and asked the exact same items and the exact same location: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and a 73g orange. The manager retired to his room later that evening and spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight the same voices and noises started, this time louder and even wilder than the year before!
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face! Intrigued, the manager started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked him to provide; Why did he ask for room 39? Why the white thread? Why the black knife??? But no matter how much he pondered the situation he drew a blank.
A year passed, the manager watched the calendar, eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client had showed up the previous 2 years. Then, on the first day of March, the same chap showed up. Once again, he asked the same questions, wanted to book the same room, wanted the same things as before and, once again, The manager laid awake hearing the same noises, this time reaching a cacophony of mad screeching, clawing, gargling, mooing, clucking, smashing, cymbals and at one point he was sure he heard a trombone.
In the morning, as the client was leaving the hotel, the manager approached the young man, apologizing politely, and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret!''
So he leaned in and whispered his secret to the astonished manager. His mouth hung open as the man left and he walked back to his office shaking his head in utter disbelief.
However, the manager was a sincere person and to this day he hasn't revealed that secret to anyone. Good for him.
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
The other day I passed by a prison just in time to see a prison break. One of the inmates who was a midget climbed out over the fence. On his way down he saw me and sneered my way. I thought to myself, "now that's a little condescending".
A blind guy works his way up to the bar and orders a beer. He hears a glass set in front of him, picks it up and takes a long drink. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he says, "Hey, barkeep, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" He hears a woman's voice inches from his face say, "Man, the person on the bar stool to your left is an off duty cop, and she's blonde. The person on the bar stool to your right is an MMA fighter, and she's blonde. I'm standing here in front of you covered in tattoos, I ride a Harley and I'm blonde. Now, are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke right now?" He picks up his glass and takes a long drink. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he says, "Naw. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
A ventriloquist is onstage doing his act, puppet on his knee. He gets to the point in his routine where he and the dummy share a blonde joke. A blonde woman in the audience jumps up and goes off on him. "This is offensive and disrespectful to women. You should be ashamed of yourself and apologize to all of us right now." "I'm really sorry," the ventriloquist offered. "This is just a comedy bit and I'm . . . " "You shut up," she interrupted, "I'm talking to that little **** on your knee!"
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu above the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated, "Picture Menu Available". I asked the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and it was a menu for them. I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and she replied, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it!?"
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run into the house to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks," Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaims the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
It was the new sailor's first day serving aboard a ship and he was anxious about being out on the water out of sight of land. He stopped a passing officer to ask, "Sir, do ships this size sink very often?"
The officer, noting the sailor's nervousness, allayed his fears. "Not too often, no. Usually they just sink the once."
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run into the house to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
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