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Jokes/Laughter Thread (1 Viewer)

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

 
GregR said:
The other day I passed by a prison just in time to see a prison break. One of the inmates who was a midget climbed out over the fence. On his way down he saw me and sneered my way.  I thought to myself, "now that's a little condescending".
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Actually, I heard a different version of this:

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

 
Figure Skater 1: You know how I know you are gay?

Figure Skater 2: cause I did my routine to Cosplay?

FS 1: No, cause you are a Figure Skater!

Then they had sex together 

 
An Irishman man goes to a costume party wearing only his underwear and a woman on his back.... His friend says “Hey man what are you supposed to be?” He replies “ere` lad...im dressed as a turtle”... His friend says “How are you a turtle and Who’s the woman on your back?”.... the Irishman replies “Oh dat?... Dat’s Michelle of course ”

 
BustedKnuckles said:
An Irishman man goes to a costume party wearing only his underwear and a woman on his back.... His friend says “Hey man what are you supposed to be?” He replies “ere` lad...im dressed as a turtle”... His friend says “How are you a turtle and Who’s the woman on your back?”.... the Irishman replies “Oh dat?... Dat’s Michelle of course ”
Click to expand...
Terrible 

 
BustedKnuckles said:
An Irishman man goes to a costume party wearing only his underwear and a woman on his back.... His friend says “Hey man what are you supposed to be?” He replies “ere` lad...im dressed as a turtle”... His friend says “How are you a turtle and Who’s the woman on your back?”.... the Irishman replies “Oh dat?... Dat’s Michelle of course ”
Click to expand...
It took me a minute.

 
I love Irish jokes.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere.'

 
wormburner said:
A blind guy works his way up to the bar and orders a beer.  He hears a glass set in front of him, picks it up and takes a long drink.  Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he says, "Hey, barkeep, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"  He hears a woman's voice inches from his face say, "Man, the person on the bar stool to your left is an off duty cop, and she's blonde.  The person on the bar stool to your right is an MMA fighter, and she's blonde.  I'm standing here in front of you covered in tattoos, I ride a Harley and I'm blonde.  Now, are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke right now?"  He picks up his glass and takes a long drink.  Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he says, "Naw.  Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times." 
Click to expand...

 
A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."

"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."

"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."

"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"

"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"

"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"

"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"

"What does the #-#-#-# in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.

"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no #### in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell your dumb ###, now get out of my store 

 
Bakers trade bread recipes a lot like a spy reveals secrets.  Strictly on a knead to know basis.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
simsarge said:
A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream.

"Sorry" says the attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream."

"In that case" says the man, "I'll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate."

"I told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

"OK, in that case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."

"Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?"

"Van" he replies, "But what does that have to do with ice cream?"

"Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?"

"Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?"

"What does the #-#-#-# in chocolate spell?" asks the attendant.

"Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no #### in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell your dumb ###, now get out of my store 
Click to expand...
that is a really long way to nowhere.

 
A nun goes to a grocery store to buy a few things. She waits at the register while the teenage cashier talks to his friends. After a few minutes, the nun becomes impatient. 

She says, "Excuse me, would you please check me out?" 

The cashier turns around and gives her a quick look. "Nice cans, butt looks good." 

 
For this one, you need to look at this picture first. Then read the joke below.

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above. She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied ...
 
Mr. Ected said:
For this one, you need to look at this picture first. Then read the joke below.

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above. She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty," she replied ...
Click to expand...
use this pic instead

 
Stand alone ATM machines now have tracking devices so you can't just rip them away with a tow truck and get away. Police tracked down one suspect back to his garage where they found him prying open the machine. Not only is this guy getting jail time, but his bank is charging him a $3 fee for using another bank's ATM.

 
Leroy Hoard said:
Stand alone ATM machines now have tracking devices so you can't just rip them away with a tow truck and get away. Police tracked down one suspect back to his garage where they found him prying open the machine. Not only is this guy getting jail time, but his bank is charging him a $3 fee for using another bank's ATM.
Click to expand...
Anyone know Leroy Hoard in real life?  We need to alert him that his login credentials have been compromised.

 
My neighbor Dave brought his little daughter to the barber shop with him .... While he was getting his haircut, the girl began eating a piece of pie that dad brought for her.... While she was eating, she walked over and stood right next to the barber's chair.....The barber looked down and said , "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your pie."...."I know," the little girl replied.... "and I'm gonna get boobies, too."

 
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