Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums
Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.
Jokes/Laughter Thread (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter fantasycurse42
- Start date
badmojo1006
Footballguy
The funny/scary thing is right after I posted this joke, my computer crashed
Remembering this one.
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
So yesterday i was inspecting the fire extinguishers at a local hotel on rt 20....i was in the hotel lobby.... i needed to ask the desk clerk a question.... As i turned to go to the front desk i bumped into a woman beside me and when i did my elbow accidentally poked her left breast ..... we were both quite startled..... i turned to her ..smiled ...and said, "Excuse Ma'am... but if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me''..... She replied.... "Well if your penis is as hard as your elbow... I'm in room 122 "
Hov34
Eephus's Great Great Great Love Child
gianmarco
Footballguy
Last edited by a moderator:
GregR
Footballguy
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
Some dude just knocked on my door asking for a donation towards the local public swimming pool...... so I gave him a cup of water...he looked so confused
badmojo1006
Footballguy
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
So this is the Dad Jokes thread now?
GregR
Footballguy
Back in college there was a small 2-lane highway that ran just outside the dorm cafeteria's window. One day I walked down and saw a big crowd at the windows, several people deep. I walked over, but couldn't see what was going on.
About then, someone else at the back called out: "Hey, what's going on?"
Guy at the front: "Guy on a bike got hit by a beer truck."
Guy at the back: "Cool, free beer for the rest of his life!"
Guy at the front: "It's a Pabst truck."
Guy at the back: "Oh. Bummer!"
About then, someone else at the back called out: "Hey, what's going on?"
Guy at the front: "Guy on a bike got hit by a beer truck."
Guy at the back: "Cool, free beer for the rest of his life!"
Guy at the front: "It's a Pabst truck."
Guy at the back: "Oh. Bummer!"
Last edited by a moderator:
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
Someone suggested i stop watching so much TV and try reading more...so i muted the tv and turned on the Closed captioning 
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
:roarin:
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
rustycolts
Footballguy
A blonde orders a pizza and is asked if she wants it cut into six or 12 pieces.
She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."
She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."
Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
Son : Dad why is my sister named Teresa?
Dad: Well Easter is one of your mother's favorite things and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.
Son : OK, thanks Dad.
Dad : No problem, Alan.
Dad: Well Easter is one of your mother's favorite things and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.
Son : OK, thanks Dad.
Dad : No problem, Alan.
rustycolts
Footballguy
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says dam
One turns to the other and says dam
rustycolts
Footballguy
Not going to lie had to look up anagram for Alan.What can I say my front porch light burns a little dim sometimes.
NotSmart
Footballguy
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Mr. Ected
Footballguy
rustycolts
Footballguy
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
82 Generic White Girl Names And What They Say About Her Personality
1. Liz: Unapologetically basic. Will Instagram her Starbucks drink and does not give a ####. Flips her hair a lot.
2. Tara: Wore too much eyeliner in middle school. Shopped at Hot Topic.
3. Natalie: Great hair, bad influence.
4. Lindsay: Probably hot and blonde. Would win The Bachelor.
5. Lindsey: When she bumps into you after not seeing you since middle school, she honestly answers you when you ask “How are you?” It’s never just “I’m good, how are you?” it’s always like “My boyfriend just broke out of rehab.”
6. Olivia: Very chill. Boys love her. You want to hate her, but you can’t.
7. Anne: Who?
8. Annie: Overly attached girlfriend.
9. Allison: Still thinks the Blair Waldorf headband thing is cool.
10. Allie: Drunk right now.
11. Ashley: Crying while looking at herself in the mirror right now.
12. Kristen: Gets along really well with your parents. Puts “knee sock aficionado” in her social media bios.
13. Christy: Perpetually single because boys are scared of her.
14. Maddie: Thought she was going to get recruited for playing a bougie sport (lacrosse, rowing, field hockey), but she wasn’t.
15. Maddy: Can probably name all the capitals in the United States if you asked her to.
16. Gabby: Talks a lot about her feelings on the internet.
17. Emily: The girl version of “Ben.”
18. Caroline: Acts like she doesn’t have her #### together, definitely has her #### together.
19. Kelly: Recovering Catholic.
20. Stephanie: Peaked in high school.
21. Nicole: Never went through an awkward phase and you don’t trust her because of it.
22. Madeline: Her parents try really, really hard to be cool parents.
23. Cara: The worst temper of all time. Has (and will) throw beer bottles if nobody is listening to her.
24. Monica: Type-A to a horrifying degree.
25. Morgan: Feels really comfortable getting naked in front of her roommates.
26. Kathy: Had braces for what felt like 20 years.
27. Adrienne: Always hanging out with boys and says she “doesn’t get girls.”
28. Lauren: Has a hotter sister.
29. Kate: Knows how to work her mugshots.
30. Jessie: Always wanting to fight someone.
31. Jessica: Horse girl.
32. Erin: Just wants everyone to know she has a great personality.
33. Kim: Married her high school sweetheart.
34. Alex: Has a naturally loud voice.
35. Julia: Always says she’s busy “writing music.”
36. Jane: Wants to start a comedy podcast, is not funny.
37. Marissa: Loooooooooooves love.
38. Chrissy: Loves her furs, is PETA’s worst nightmare.
39. Erica: Very respectable, really normal. Will become the kindergarten teacher all dads fall in love with.
40. Erika: Emotionally unstable. Will take her shirt off at parties.
41. Sarah: Will never let you forget she went to an Ivy League.
42. Madison: Not hot enough to be as much of a ##### as she is.
43. Grace: Considered her sixteenth birthday to be the most important event of her existence.
44. Maggie: Has read receipts on, still claims she never got your text.
45. Charlotte: Stole your boyfriend, doesn’t care.
46. Beth: Vegan. Ugh.
47. Audrey: She started going clubbing when she was 14 and you’re scared ####less of her because of it.
48. Sam: Grew up refusing to wear a dress because she was such a dedicated tomboy. Still likes Avril Lavigne.
49. Samantha: Nobody ever wants to leave her alone with their boyfriends.
50. Victoria: On the dance team in high school, hasn’t stopped talking about it. Will spit on you if you call her “Vicky.”
51. Amy: 100% going to get catfished.
52. Colleen: Owns that giant, professional Nikon camera and takes the ####tiest photos with it.
53. Diana: Constantly talks about how empowering pole dancing is for women.
54. Courtney: Evil.
55. Tiffany: The prettiest girl in 7th grade. You’ve never trusted her.
56. Megan: You forgot she’s in your group text because she never responds.
57. Zoey: Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
58. Caitlyn: Will go out of her way to make sure you’re feeling alright at parties.
59. Margot: Low key wants that Pinterest wedding.
60. Lucy: Bought a pipe on her senior spring break trip to Atlantis and says she’s now a pothead. Smoked once, hated it.
61. Hannah: Always the tall girl.
62. Rebecca: Dyed her hair blonde in college and then got hot.
63. Becky: Everything is always going wrong for her.
64. Jennifer: Trying to bring down the patriarchy by bringing it up on every first date.
65. Jenny: The one nice girl in the mean girl friend group.
66. Heather: Currently dating the wrong guy.
67. Taylor: Says she loves to party, leaves the party before midnight.
68. Molly: Your boss’s girlfriend.
69. Mary: Always throws up in the bathtub at parties.
70. Bridget: Draaaaaws out her wooooords when she speeeeeeaks. Also talks like she’s always asking questions?
71. Emma: Her dad got her that internship.
72. Hayley: *~Just one of the guys*~. Drinks like she is sponsored by Bud Light.
73. Alyssa: Lays her poetry books out around her apartment, hoping someone will read them and then try to discuss it with her, only for Alyssa to feign shock and embarrassment that her poetry has been discovered. It’s never happened. Her poetry isn’t great.
74. Lily: Has a nail art Instagram.
75. Stacy: Resents that her mom has got it goin’ on.
76. Sara: Insane. Went to Burning Man. Doesn’t have that “h” at the end of her name to hold her down.
77. Claire: Never paid for anything in her entire life. Not even her boobs.
78. Brittany: Does that thing where she screenshots her hot Snapchats and then posts them on Facebook.
79. Katie: She’s the girl who, when you’re talking about her to someone else, you feel the need to be like, “Yeah, Katie, you know, Jenny’s friend? Blonde hair?” because nobody really remembers who she is.
80. Holly: Taught you how to sext. Out of your league.
81. Jill: Everyone’s down with Jill.
82: Michelle: You can find her at the grossest, dingiest dive bars in the area. Always befriends the bartender.
1. Liz: Unapologetically basic. Will Instagram her Starbucks drink and does not give a ####. Flips her hair a lot.
2. Tara: Wore too much eyeliner in middle school. Shopped at Hot Topic.
3. Natalie: Great hair, bad influence.
4. Lindsay: Probably hot and blonde. Would win The Bachelor.
5. Lindsey: When she bumps into you after not seeing you since middle school, she honestly answers you when you ask “How are you?” It’s never just “I’m good, how are you?” it’s always like “My boyfriend just broke out of rehab.”
6. Olivia: Very chill. Boys love her. You want to hate her, but you can’t.
7. Anne: Who?
8. Annie: Overly attached girlfriend.
9. Allison: Still thinks the Blair Waldorf headband thing is cool.
10. Allie: Drunk right now.
11. Ashley: Crying while looking at herself in the mirror right now.
12. Kristen: Gets along really well with your parents. Puts “knee sock aficionado” in her social media bios.
13. Christy: Perpetually single because boys are scared of her.
14. Maddie: Thought she was going to get recruited for playing a bougie sport (lacrosse, rowing, field hockey), but she wasn’t.
15. Maddy: Can probably name all the capitals in the United States if you asked her to.
16. Gabby: Talks a lot about her feelings on the internet.
17. Emily: The girl version of “Ben.”
18. Caroline: Acts like she doesn’t have her #### together, definitely has her #### together.
19. Kelly: Recovering Catholic.
20. Stephanie: Peaked in high school.
21. Nicole: Never went through an awkward phase and you don’t trust her because of it.
22. Madeline: Her parents try really, really hard to be cool parents.
23. Cara: The worst temper of all time. Has (and will) throw beer bottles if nobody is listening to her.
24. Monica: Type-A to a horrifying degree.
25. Morgan: Feels really comfortable getting naked in front of her roommates.
26. Kathy: Had braces for what felt like 20 years.
27. Adrienne: Always hanging out with boys and says she “doesn’t get girls.”
28. Lauren: Has a hotter sister.
29. Kate: Knows how to work her mugshots.
30. Jessie: Always wanting to fight someone.
31. Jessica: Horse girl.
32. Erin: Just wants everyone to know she has a great personality.
33. Kim: Married her high school sweetheart.
34. Alex: Has a naturally loud voice.
35. Julia: Always says she’s busy “writing music.”
36. Jane: Wants to start a comedy podcast, is not funny.
37. Marissa: Loooooooooooves love.
38. Chrissy: Loves her furs, is PETA’s worst nightmare.
39. Erica: Very respectable, really normal. Will become the kindergarten teacher all dads fall in love with.
40. Erika: Emotionally unstable. Will take her shirt off at parties.
41. Sarah: Will never let you forget she went to an Ivy League.
42. Madison: Not hot enough to be as much of a ##### as she is.
43. Grace: Considered her sixteenth birthday to be the most important event of her existence.
44. Maggie: Has read receipts on, still claims she never got your text.
45. Charlotte: Stole your boyfriend, doesn’t care.
46. Beth: Vegan. Ugh.
47. Audrey: She started going clubbing when she was 14 and you’re scared ####less of her because of it.
48. Sam: Grew up refusing to wear a dress because she was such a dedicated tomboy. Still likes Avril Lavigne.
49. Samantha: Nobody ever wants to leave her alone with their boyfriends.
50. Victoria: On the dance team in high school, hasn’t stopped talking about it. Will spit on you if you call her “Vicky.”
51. Amy: 100% going to get catfished.
52. Colleen: Owns that giant, professional Nikon camera and takes the ####tiest photos with it.
53. Diana: Constantly talks about how empowering pole dancing is for women.
54. Courtney: Evil.
55. Tiffany: The prettiest girl in 7th grade. You’ve never trusted her.
56. Megan: You forgot she’s in your group text because she never responds.
57. Zoey: Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
58. Caitlyn: Will go out of her way to make sure you’re feeling alright at parties.
59. Margot: Low key wants that Pinterest wedding.
60. Lucy: Bought a pipe on her senior spring break trip to Atlantis and says she’s now a pothead. Smoked once, hated it.
61. Hannah: Always the tall girl.
62. Rebecca: Dyed her hair blonde in college and then got hot.
63. Becky: Everything is always going wrong for her.
64. Jennifer: Trying to bring down the patriarchy by bringing it up on every first date.
65. Jenny: The one nice girl in the mean girl friend group.
66. Heather: Currently dating the wrong guy.
67. Taylor: Says she loves to party, leaves the party before midnight.
68. Molly: Your boss’s girlfriend.
69. Mary: Always throws up in the bathtub at parties.
70. Bridget: Draaaaaws out her wooooords when she speeeeeeaks. Also talks like she’s always asking questions?
71. Emma: Her dad got her that internship.
72. Hayley: *~Just one of the guys*~. Drinks like she is sponsored by Bud Light.
73. Alyssa: Lays her poetry books out around her apartment, hoping someone will read them and then try to discuss it with her, only for Alyssa to feign shock and embarrassment that her poetry has been discovered. It’s never happened. Her poetry isn’t great.
74. Lily: Has a nail art Instagram.
75. Stacy: Resents that her mom has got it goin’ on.
76. Sara: Insane. Went to Burning Man. Doesn’t have that “h” at the end of her name to hold her down.
77. Claire: Never paid for anything in her entire life. Not even her boobs.
78. Brittany: Does that thing where she screenshots her hot Snapchats and then posts them on Facebook.
79. Katie: She’s the girl who, when you’re talking about her to someone else, you feel the need to be like, “Yeah, Katie, you know, Jenny’s friend? Blonde hair?” because nobody really remembers who she is.
80. Holly: Taught you how to sext. Out of your league.
81. Jill: Everyone’s down with Jill.
82: Michelle: You can find her at the grossest, dingiest dive bars in the area. Always befriends the bartender.
BustedKnuckles
Footballguy
So this morning started off pretty insane.....My neighbor was about to be attacked at the knees by a crazy duck....so I yelled "duck!" from my window to warn her.... but i just made it worse... because now shes blind in one eye
badmojo1006
Footballguy
Today I saw a little person prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me,
I thought: that's a little condescending.
I thought: that's a little condescending.
GregR
Footballguy
gianmarco
Footballguy
Actually, the way I've heard it is:
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
A woman gets cheated by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
Not all posts have a spiritual lesson...!!!
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
Not all posts have a spiritual lesson...!!!
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
NotSmart
Footballguy
rustycolts
Footballguy
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
rustycolts
Footballguy
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Officer Pete Malloy
Footballguy
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
Grieving widow is approached by one of her dead husband's friends at his funeral.
He consoles her and asks, "May I say a word?"
She motions him to the stage and he steps up to the mic and says, "Plethora".
He returns to the widow who hugs him and says, "Thank you. That means a lot."
He consoles her and asks, "May I say a word?"
She motions him to the stage and he steps up to the mic and says, "Plethora".
He returns to the widow who hugs him and says, "Thank you. That means a lot."
