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Jokes/Laughter Thread

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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer! 

The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice? 

The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”

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The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar. 

The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list. Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody’s amazement, he orders tea.

“Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they’ve stumbled on an embarrassing secret. 

“Naaaah” replies Guinness, “If you guys aren’t going to drink beer, then neither will I!”

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Fearing that he would be late for an important business meeting in London, a motorist was beginning to panic because he couldn’t find a parking space. Street after street was full, and growing ever more desperate, he decided to seek help from the Almighty.

Looking up to Heaven, he said: “Lord, please help me out here. If you find me a parking space, I’ll give up drink and women and go to Mass every Sunday.”

Then as he turned the corner, miraculously a parking space appeared.

He looked skyward again and said: “Never mind, I found one.”

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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display.

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” replied the gallery owner. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered whether it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.”

“That’s great!” exclaimed the artist. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The man was your doctor.”

Edited by GregR
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A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “ I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart ### in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”  The entire class began laughing and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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14 minutes ago, GregR said:

A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “ I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart ### in the back of the room raised his hand and asked: “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”  The entire class began laughing and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Are you writing some of these, Greg? If so, youre pretty damn good at it.

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10 minutes ago, wikkidpissah said:

Are you writing some of these, Greg? If so, youre pretty damn good at it.

I can't take credit for the most part. Except for a few bad puns where it's more likely blame than credit.  

I appreciate other people making me laugh so like to pass them on. Glad they are bringing some enjoyment.  :thumbup:

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12 minutes ago, GregR said:

I can't take credit for the most part. Except for a few bad puns where it's more likely blame than credit.  

I appreciate other people making me laugh so like to pass them on. Glad they are bringing some enjoyment.  :thumbup:

i can see the construction, the reverse engineering. comedy's more craft than art and someone who can write back from a premise is ahead of the pack. if you're a hobbyist, i'm happy to enjoy the product but, if you have higher ambitions, i'm willing to give pointers, look @ work

Edited by wikkidpissah
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A guy walks into a library and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger and french fries."

The front desk lady says, "Sir this is a library."

He says, "Oh, Sorry.......(whispers) I'll have a cheesburger and french fries"

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

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Rabbits are known to mate like crazy, and a little hare named Mary was no different. She used to do every rabbit in the forest, rotating through them in two big groups. One day Mary would make love with all the gentle, considerate male hares in the forest, and on the next she would have raunchy sex with all the rough, rude rabbits.

One day one of the kind male hares told his rabbit friend that he was feeling discouraged. "I've been trying to catch Mary's eye all day but she's not paying attention to me."

"Don't worry, it's not you," his friend replied. "She's just having a bad hare day."

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Two engineering students bumped into each other on campus on a fine spring day. "You'll never believe what happened to me on the way to class," one declared. "A beautiful coed rode up to me on her bike. She hopped off, took off all of her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted."

"Wow," the second student said, unable to keep the envy from his voice. "So what'd you do?"

"I took her bike," the first replied.

"Good choice," the second said with a sage nod. "I doubt her clothes would have fit you."

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A Senator walks into the oval office.  "Hey, President Trump, here is the Abortion Bill for you to sign"

Trump says "Abortion Bill?  I thought I paid that last month!"

 

Heeeeeyy! I'll be here all week.  

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On ‎7‎/‎26‎/‎2018 at 1:06 AM, rustycolts said:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Seriously, this might be my favorite blonde joke of all time. :thumbup:

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Hey, i hear they have a new pill for addiction!

 

 

I wonder what two will do....

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On 7/15/2018 at 0:57 PM, badmojo1006 said:

Why is milk the fastest thing on earth?

 

 

It’s pasteurized before you see it! 

:pickle:

:( Sad news. My friend, who I got most of my jokes, died last Sunday.

Sorry for sad news in this thread, so I will end with a joke.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

 "So you know how to drive this thing?

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A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

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On 7/28/2018 at 11:59 PM, GregR said:

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

Thank you I needed that one.

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A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.

From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

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My Saturday night this past weekend consisted of me reading jokes from this thread to my 16 year old son, while he looked for jokes elsewhere on the internet.  Dueling dad jokes, was a good time.  Thanks for all who have contributed.  :thumbup: 

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week Can you do this?"

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …………..but I fish on Fridays.

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A guy is robbing a bank and he has taken some hostages. He goes to the first guy and asks "Did you see me rob the bank?"  The guy says "Yeah" and the the bank robber shoots him in the head.  He goes up to the next guy and asks "Did you see me rob the bank?"  The guy says "No, but my wife did!"

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3 ladies are in the gynecologist waiting room.  First one says, I'm going to have a boy because I was on top when we did it.  Second one goes, I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom when we did it. Third one says #### I'm going to have a puppy! 

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Teacher:  All right class today we are going to go around the room and use the word definitely in a sentence.

Roberta: The sky is definitely blue.

Teacher:  Now roberta, sometimes its dark at night and the sky is black and grey when overcast so the sky is not definitely blue 

Edward: Umm the grass is definitely green.

Teacher:  Now, now I'm sorry edward but sometimes the grass is dead and its brown, The grass isn't definitely green

Dirty johnny stands up in the back: Yo teach is it all right if I ask a question first? When you break wind does it ever have lumps in it?

Teacher: Heavens no!!

Dirty Johnny:  Then I definitely #### my pants! 

 

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8 Jewish women gathered around a restaurant table.

Waiter approaches and asks “Is anything OK?”

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16 hours ago, Scoresman said:

3 ladies are in the gynecologist waiting room.  First one says, I'm going to have a boy because I was on top when we did it.  Second one goes, I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom when we did it. Third one says #### I'm going to have a puppy! 

There in an alternative telling of this joke with the punchline "Roll her over Dad, I want a puppy!"

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A golf pro is working in the pro-shop one day when a woman charges through the door and tells him "Young man, I was just stung by a bee on your golf course and I demand to know what you are going to do about it!"

He says "I'm sorry Ma'am.  Can you tell me where it stung you?"

"Between the #1 and #2 holes!"

The pro replies "Well, for one thing, I can tell you your stance is too wide."

Edited by parrot
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A brunette goes into the doctor’s office and tells him that everywhere she touches, it hurts.

“That's unusual,” the doctor says. “Show me.”

So the brunette touches her elbow and screams. Then she touches her knee and screams. Then she touches her ankle and screams. And this goes on until the doctor finally says, “You’re not really brunette, are you?”

“No,” she says. “I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” says the doctor. “Your finger is broken.”

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An angry man barges into a bar with a gun in his hands and shouts, “Who the #### has been sleeping with my wife?!”

A man in the back shouts back, “You do not have enough bullets, pal.”

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An old guy walks into a church and goes straight into the confessional. There he hears a voice, "Yes my son? Tell me your sins."

"Well, Father," says the old man. "I had sex with a 17-year-old girl."

"Hmmm," says the Priest. "Well, given today's lifestyles, and the fact that people are having sex at a younger age these days, I'm not too surprised."

"But Father, I'm 80 years old," says the man.

"80 years old! And she's 17?! My goodness, well I guess things really have changed these days. Just say 3 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers, and your sins will be forgiven," replies the Priest.

"I can't do that, Father. I'm Jewish!"

"You're Jewish? Then why did you come in here to tell me this?" asks the Priest.

"I'm telling everyone, Father!"

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They say that you can't take it with you when you die, but Morty was determined to do so. So he made arrangements with his doctor, his banker, and his lawyer that when he died, they would each throw a package into his grave containing 1/3 of his wealth.

Eventually Morty passed away, and the three men attended his funeral. Sure enough, after Morty's casket was lowered into the ground, each tossed his package into the grave. Later, the three were riding back together in a car.  The doctor looked to the other two and said, "I have a confession to make. My practice had some setbacks and I kept $20,000 of the money."  The other two men gasped.

After a moment, the banker reluctantly said, "I suppose confession would be good for my soul too. We had an accounting problem at the bank, and I kept $40,000 of the money."  The lawyer gasped.

The lawyer regarded the other two men with a surprised look. "This was a solemn duty we all agreed to, carrying out a man's final wishes. I'm extremely disappointed in both of you,"  the lawyer said before turning away and shaking his head. "I'll have you know I threw in a check for the full amount."

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A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da #### would you say?'

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $5,000 or we can have her shipped back home for $50,000.”

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “Why would you spend $50,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost a tenth as much?”

The husband replied, “Long ago, they say a man died and was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead."  The husband shook his head. “I just can’t take that chance.”

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”.

The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”.

The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”.

The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.

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Someone told a good blonde joke in here, so I will try not to do that again.    Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?  She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.  

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One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God. "Lord," he said, "I have a problem. I am grateful that you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals. But I’m just not happy. I don't have anyone else to talk to. I'm so lonely."

God replied, "I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you. This ‘Woman’ will be intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful. She will be able to figure out what you want before you want it. She will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you."

"Wow, she sounds great, Lord!" Adam replied excitedly.

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam," God told him. "In exchange for my making this Woman, you'll have to lose your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear."

Adam pondered this for quite some time, concern on his face. Finally Adam replied to God, "What can I get for a rib?"

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Rusty, a native Texan, gets to go to Japan for a business trip.  The night he gets there, he discovers that his Japanese hosts have sent him a lovely geisha girl.  The whole night of lovemaking, his "friend" kept exclaiming "SUNG WAAAAAAAAH SUNG WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!".  Being the studly lovemaker that he was, he just assumed it meant something positive and went right on with his actions.

The next day, after his business meetings were over, his Japanese cohorts take him golfing.  One of the Japanese businessmen gets a hole-in-one and Rusty, trying to impress everyone, claps and says "mmm, sung wah... sung wah".

Japanese guy looks over at him and says "wrong hole?  What do you mean wrong hole?"

 

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1 hour ago, nirad3 said:

Rusty, a native Texan, gets to go to Japan for a business trip.  The night he gets there, he discovers that his Japanese hosts have sent him a lovely geisha girl.  The whole night of lovemaking, his "friend" kept exclaiming "SUNG WAAAAAAAAH SUNG WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!".  Being the studly lovemaker that he was, he just assumed it meant something positive and went right on with his actions.

The next day, after his business meetings were over, his Japanese cohorts take him golfing.  One of the Japanese businessmen gets a hole-in-one and Rusty, trying to impress everyone, claps and says "mmm, sung wah... sung wah".

Japanese guy looks over at him and says "wrong hole?  What do you mean wrong hole?"

 

Wrong.  Geisha are women trained in the arts, music, poetry, and light conversation.  The term you are looking for is shōgi.

:/DwightSchrute:

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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas. I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free."

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

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One night the captain of a huge tanker saw a light dead ahead of his ship. He directed his signalman to send the message: "Change course 10 degrees South."

A reply was quickly sent back:  "You change course 10 degrees North."

The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message: "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."

Back came the reply: "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."

The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message:  "I am a 240,000 ton tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"

Back came the reply:  "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!"

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On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on Earth.

As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Born in a barn?"

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4 hours ago, GregR said:

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on Earth.

As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Born in a barn?"

It's tough being born on Christmas. Jesus always got screwed out of gifts.

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An Englishman, an American and a Irishman are sitting in a pub drinking beer. Three flies buzz down from the ceiling and circle lazily before doing nose dives each into a different glass.

The Englishman sees his fly and turns to the bartender and demands another glass.

The American notices his fly, fishes it out with a spoon and then tosses the beer down in one gulp.

The other two men look at the Irishman in surprise as he grasps his fly by its wings very gently, lifts it and shakes it off carefully. Until the Irishman begins shouting at the fly, "Spit it out!  Spit it out!"

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Two lawyers are at a bank, when suddenly armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and start taking their wallets, watches, etc. As the robbers work their way down the line towards the lawyers, the first lawyer slips something into lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is it, a weapon?"

Lawyer number one replies, "No, it's that $50 I owe you."

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So my 22 year old neighbor Tony went to church last Sunday morning and the preacher said to his congregation "Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over for a miracle , please come forward to the front by the altar "

With that, Tony got in line... and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked loudly, "my son , what do you want me to pray about that will help you ?"
Tony replied... "Father, I really REALLY need help with my
hearing."

The preacher put one finger from his left hand in Tony's ear.....then placed his other hand on top of Tony's head... and then prayed and prayed and prayed as hard as he could...he even asked his whole congregation to join in with great enthusiasm....
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands... stood back and asked, "Tony my son..., how is your hearing now?" to which Tony answered.... "Jeez I don't know father...my hearing ain't 'til next Thursday when i go to court "

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A man goes into a church and kneels before the altar. "Lord, I really need $5000 dollars. Please Lord, please you have to help me, I need to get $5000."

As he's praying, a second man comes in and also kneels nearby to pray. "Lord, I really need $50. Please Lord, just $50, please?"

The first man rises and walks over. He gets $50 out of his wallet and passes it to the other. The recipient is overjoyed, jumping up and hugging the first and then running out of the church.

The first man settles back to his knees again. "Ok Lord, now concentrate.  $5000..."

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A high-priced lawyer's scorn for the blue collar witnesses he'd been cross examining had been thinly veiled at best, resulting in a contentious trial.

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a mechanic on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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