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Jokes/Laughter Thread (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter fantasycurse42
- Start date
GregR
Footballguy
At a southern university, students in the psychology program attend their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," says the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," says the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asks a young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she says.
"And you, sir," he asks a young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replies, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"
"Just to establish some parameters," says the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," says the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asks a young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she says.
"And you, sir," he asks a young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replies, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"
McJose
Footballguy
A grizzled old miner comes down from the hills and steps into a saloon. Pulling out a gold nugget and placing it on the bar he asks the bartender "You got any whiskey in this establishment?"
The bartender complies and places a glass and a bottle in front of the miner.
After a few drinks the miner asks the bartender "You got any women in this establishment?"
The bartender replies "No, but we've got old Joe out back."
The miner shakes his head and says. "It's been a long while, but I don’t go for that ####.”
After quite a few more drinks he calls the bartender over again and says "So lets say I was into that sort of ####... who would have to know about it?"
"Just you, me and those guys at the table over there" replies the bartender.
"Those guys? Why would those guys need to know?" asks the miner
"Well they gotta hold Old Joe down. He ain’t into that #### either.”
The bartender complies and places a glass and a bottle in front of the miner.
After a few drinks the miner asks the bartender "You got any women in this establishment?"
The bartender replies "No, but we've got old Joe out back."
The miner shakes his head and says. "It's been a long while, but I don’t go for that ####.”
After quite a few more drinks he calls the bartender over again and says "So lets say I was into that sort of ####... who would have to know about it?"
"Just you, me and those guys at the table over there" replies the bartender.
"Those guys? Why would those guys need to know?" asks the miner
"Well they gotta hold Old Joe down. He ain’t into that #### either.”
GregR
Footballguy
Last year I was on vacation in Spain with my girlfriend. We were trying to keep our expenses down, staying at some smaller, out of the way places. At one point were staying at this small Inn outside of Barcelona and commuting into the city to sight see.
So we get back to the Inn and she's not feeling well, feels like she's running a high fever. I go down to the desk and ask about the nearby medical facilities because my girlfriend is sick. The guy at the desk asked if I wanted to have the house physician stop up to see her. I said sure and headed back to the room.
So a few minutes later there's a knock at the door, and this nice, middle-aged guy comes in, wearing a lab coat sort of thing and with a bag. He gives her an examination and seemed really competent. So I'm chatting with him as he does and I commented that I was really surprised a place that size had their own house doctor. It was probably only about 20 rooms total.
He looked back at me and nodded. and said, "I hear that a lot. Turns out, nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
So we get back to the Inn and she's not feeling well, feels like she's running a high fever. I go down to the desk and ask about the nearby medical facilities because my girlfriend is sick. The guy at the desk asked if I wanted to have the house physician stop up to see her. I said sure and headed back to the room.
So a few minutes later there's a knock at the door, and this nice, middle-aged guy comes in, wearing a lab coat sort of thing and with a bag. He gives her an examination and seemed really competent. So I'm chatting with him as he does and I commented that I was really surprised a place that size had their own house doctor. It was probably only about 20 rooms total.
He looked back at me and nodded. and said, "I hear that a lot. Turns out, nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
rustycolts
Footballguy
Make sure your viagra is made in the USA. There has been reports of counterfeit viagra coming from Russia and China. We sure don't want the Russians or Chinese messing with our erections.
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
nirad3
Footballguy
Time to resurrect this thread given the current state of things...
=======
How about this one?
Guy is sitting at a bar for a while, drinking beers, gets up to go to the bathroom a few times but for the most part has been sitting at the bar by himself the entire night. Bartender finally strikes up a conversation with him. The guy is pretty drunk but definitely coherent. The guy says to the bartender "I bet you $100 that I can stand on this here barstool and pee into this pint glass and not miss, not one little drop". Bartender chuckles and knowing this guy's current state, agrees to the bet.
The guy stands up on the barstool and starts peeing in the glass. At first he's getting it in the glass but then starts wildly peeing all over the place. Bartender is half in shock but starts laughing hysterically because he knows he's gonna be $100 richer.
Guy zips up and the bartender says "alright buddy, pay up". Guy says "sure, gimme a second" and walks to the back of the bar where a couple of guys are playing pool. The bartender looks quizzically at what's going on and then starts to clean up the pee.
Guy comes back and slaps $100 on the bar. Bartender says "hey, what were you talking to those guys about?". Guy says "I bet them $500 that I could stand on the barstool and pee all over the place, and all you'd do is laugh".
=======
How about this one?
Guy is sitting at a bar for a while, drinking beers, gets up to go to the bathroom a few times but for the most part has been sitting at the bar by himself the entire night. Bartender finally strikes up a conversation with him. The guy is pretty drunk but definitely coherent. The guy says to the bartender "I bet you $100 that I can stand on this here barstool and pee into this pint glass and not miss, not one little drop". Bartender chuckles and knowing this guy's current state, agrees to the bet.
The guy stands up on the barstool and starts peeing in the glass. At first he's getting it in the glass but then starts wildly peeing all over the place. Bartender is half in shock but starts laughing hysterically because he knows he's gonna be $100 richer.
Guy zips up and the bartender says "alright buddy, pay up". Guy says "sure, gimme a second" and walks to the back of the bar where a couple of guys are playing pool. The bartender looks quizzically at what's going on and then starts to clean up the pee.
Guy comes back and slaps $100 on the bar. Bartender says "hey, what were you talking to those guys about?". Guy says "I bet them $500 that I could stand on the barstool and pee all over the place, and all you'd do is laugh".
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.
"The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.
"The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Georgia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
"The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this with the *'Three Kick Rule.'*
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.
"The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.
"The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.
"The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Georgia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
"The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this with the *'Three Kick Rule.'*
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.
"The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
A man stumbled upon a lamp and he rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!
The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices.
He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world.
The man says “We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world.”
The Genie goes “poof” and suddenly the man’s face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought.
Then he looks towards the genie and says, “I should have taken the money”.
The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices.
He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world.
The man says “We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world.”
The Genie goes “poof” and suddenly the man’s face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought.
Then he looks towards the genie and says, “I should have taken the money”.
ZADO
Footballguy
Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are at a charity event and they're leaving the event ...they happen to end up in the men's room at the same time standing right next to each other at the urinals and Bill Clinton looks down...... he sees Tigers pecker and asks tiger ''how do you keep your pecker so big and thick''??....Tiger says ...''well mr. Clinton , what I do is every night before I go to bed is whack my **** against the bedpost three times real hard...that keeps it big and thick''....Bill says ''Thank you mr Woods'' ...So Bill goes home that night night and as he's ready to get in the bed he says to himself ''I'm gonna try Tigers suggestion''.... so he hits his **** three times real hard on the bed post ....Suddenly Hillary jumps up and asks..... ''Tiger, is that you ''????
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
