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Jokes/Laughter Thread (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter fantasycurse42
- Start date
GregR
Footballguy
At a southern university, students in the psychology program attend their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," says the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," says the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asks a young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she says.
"And you, sir," he asks a young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replies, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"
"Just to establish some parameters," says the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," says the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asks a young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she says.
"And you, sir," he asks a young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replies, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"
McJose
Footballguy
A grizzled old miner comes down from the hills and steps into a saloon. Pulling out a gold nugget and placing it on the bar he asks the bartender "You got any whiskey in this establishment?"
The bartender complies and places a glass and a bottle in front of the miner.
After a few drinks the miner asks the bartender "You got any women in this establishment?"
The bartender replies "No, but we've got old Joe out back."
The miner shakes his head and says. "It's been a long while, but I don’t go for that ####.”
After quite a few more drinks he calls the bartender over again and says "So lets say I was into that sort of ####... who would have to know about it?"
"Just you, me and those guys at the table over there" replies the bartender.
"Those guys? Why would those guys need to know?" asks the miner
"Well they gotta hold Old Joe down. He ain’t into that #### either.”
The bartender complies and places a glass and a bottle in front of the miner.
After a few drinks the miner asks the bartender "You got any women in this establishment?"
The bartender replies "No, but we've got old Joe out back."
The miner shakes his head and says. "It's been a long while, but I don’t go for that ####.”
After quite a few more drinks he calls the bartender over again and says "So lets say I was into that sort of ####... who would have to know about it?"
"Just you, me and those guys at the table over there" replies the bartender.
"Those guys? Why would those guys need to know?" asks the miner
"Well they gotta hold Old Joe down. He ain’t into that #### either.”
GregR
Footballguy
Last year I was on vacation in Spain with my girlfriend. We were trying to keep our expenses down, staying at some smaller, out of the way places. At one point were staying at this small Inn outside of Barcelona and commuting into the city to sight see.
So we get back to the Inn and she's not feeling well, feels like she's running a high fever. I go down to the desk and ask about the nearby medical facilities because my girlfriend is sick. The guy at the desk asked if I wanted to have the house physician stop up to see her. I said sure and headed back to the room.
So a few minutes later there's a knock at the door, and this nice, middle-aged guy comes in, wearing a lab coat sort of thing and with a bag. He gives her an examination and seemed really competent. So I'm chatting with him as he does and I commented that I was really surprised a place that size had their own house doctor. It was probably only about 20 rooms total.
He looked back at me and nodded. and said, "I hear that a lot. Turns out, nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
So we get back to the Inn and she's not feeling well, feels like she's running a high fever. I go down to the desk and ask about the nearby medical facilities because my girlfriend is sick. The guy at the desk asked if I wanted to have the house physician stop up to see her. I said sure and headed back to the room.
So a few minutes later there's a knock at the door, and this nice, middle-aged guy comes in, wearing a lab coat sort of thing and with a bag. He gives her an examination and seemed really competent. So I'm chatting with him as he does and I commented that I was really surprised a place that size had their own house doctor. It was probably only about 20 rooms total.
He looked back at me and nodded. and said, "I hear that a lot. Turns out, nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
rustycolts
Footballguy
Make sure your viagra is made in the USA. There has been reports of counterfeit viagra coming from Russia and China. We sure don't want the Russians or Chinese messing with our erections.
nirad3
Footballguy
Time to resurrect this thread given the current state of things...
=======
How about this one?
Guy is sitting at a bar for a while, drinking beers, gets up to go to the bathroom a few times but for the most part has been sitting at the bar by himself the entire night. Bartender finally strikes up a conversation with him. The guy is pretty drunk but definitely coherent. The guy says to the bartender "I bet you $100 that I can stand on this here barstool and pee into this pint glass and not miss, not one little drop". Bartender chuckles and knowing this guy's current state, agrees to the bet.
The guy stands up on the barstool and starts peeing in the glass. At first he's getting it in the glass but then starts wildly peeing all over the place. Bartender is half in shock but starts laughing hysterically because he knows he's gonna be $100 richer.
Guy zips up and the bartender says "alright buddy, pay up". Guy says "sure, gimme a second" and walks to the back of the bar where a couple of guys are playing pool. The bartender looks quizzically at what's going on and then starts to clean up the pee.
Guy comes back and slaps $100 on the bar. Bartender says "hey, what were you talking to those guys about?". Guy says "I bet them $500 that I could stand on the barstool and pee all over the place, and all you'd do is laugh".
=======
How about this one?
Guy is sitting at a bar for a while, drinking beers, gets up to go to the bathroom a few times but for the most part has been sitting at the bar by himself the entire night. Bartender finally strikes up a conversation with him. The guy is pretty drunk but definitely coherent. The guy says to the bartender "I bet you $100 that I can stand on this here barstool and pee into this pint glass and not miss, not one little drop". Bartender chuckles and knowing this guy's current state, agrees to the bet.
The guy stands up on the barstool and starts peeing in the glass. At first he's getting it in the glass but then starts wildly peeing all over the place. Bartender is half in shock but starts laughing hysterically because he knows he's gonna be $100 richer.
Guy zips up and the bartender says "alright buddy, pay up". Guy says "sure, gimme a second" and walks to the back of the bar where a couple of guys are playing pool. The bartender looks quizzically at what's going on and then starts to clean up the pee.
Guy comes back and slaps $100 on the bar. Bartender says "hey, what were you talking to those guys about?". Guy says "I bet them $500 that I could stand on the barstool and pee all over the place, and all you'd do is laugh".
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.
"The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.
"The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Georgia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
"The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this with the *'Three Kick Rule.'*
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.
"The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.
"The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.
"The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Georgia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
"The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this with the *'Three Kick Rule.'*
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.
"The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
A man stumbled upon a lamp and he rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!
The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices.
He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world.
The man says “We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world.”
The Genie goes “poof” and suddenly the man’s face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought.
Then he looks towards the genie and says, “I should have taken the money”.
The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices.
He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world.
The man says “We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world.”
The Genie goes “poof” and suddenly the man’s face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought.
Then he looks towards the genie and says, “I should have taken the money”.
ZADO
Footballguy
Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton are at a charity event and they're leaving the event ...they happen to end up in the men's room at the same time standing right next to each other at the urinals and Bill Clinton looks down...... he sees Tigers pecker and asks tiger ''how do you keep your pecker so big and thick''??....Tiger says ...''well mr. Clinton , what I do is every night before I go to bed is whack my **** against the bedpost three times real hard...that keeps it big and thick''....Bill says ''Thank you mr Woods'' ...So Bill goes home that night night and as he's ready to get in the bed he says to himself ''I'm gonna try Tigers suggestion''.... so he hits his **** three times real hard on the bed post ....Suddenly Hillary jumps up and asks..... ''Tiger, is that you ''????
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
MTskibum
Footballguy
If I remember correctly you like wheel of time and based on your posts you obviously like satire humor.
Terry Pratchett discworld.
It is one of the few series out there as long as wheel of time. Pratchett stretches those same words out to ~50 books instead of 14 though. It is satirical fantasy with quite a bit of comedy and easy reading.
GregR
Footballguy
You know I don't think I've ever read anything by him. Will have to give him a try. Currently finishing off the second Brandon Sandersons Mistborn trilogy. Second time I've read it, and had forgotten enough of the plot details it almost feels like the first time.
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Two matchsticks are walking along the road when they see a porcupine stroll by. One matchstick turns to the other and says, "If I knew there was going to be a bus, I wouldn't have walked."
MTskibum
Footballguy
That looks pretty nerdy. I re-read dragonlance main series about 2-3 years ago, i liked it but only because i read it first when i was a teenager. I don't think someone reading it for the first time as an adult would find it interesting.
Discworld though I recommend to everyone, to you I would recommend starting with "city watch".
- Guards! Guards!
- Men at Arms
- Feet of Clay
- Jingo
- The Fifth Elephant
- Night Watch
- Thud!
- Snuff
I know it looks intimidating with 8 books and the discworld series is one of the very few series that even comes close to wheel of time in word count, however pratchett broke his story down into tons of different books and these are fast reading.
The Longest SFF Series by Word Count - The Fantasy Inn
What are the longest SFF series of all time? We take a look at the word count of the chonkiest SFF stories ever written.
thefantasyinn.com
Chemical X
Footballguy
doctor informs couple that have a baby, there are complications. “how bad” they say, “well…..i’m sorry, but it is only an ear that was born” replies the dr. father says, “at least i can read him/her stories all the time!”. dr. says “i'm sorry, it’s deaf.”
Bossman
Footballguy
A man is in the doctors office, pants down and in the prostate exam position...
Doctor walks in, putting on his latex gloves and says "OK Doug, this is your first time so just relax and try not to get an erection."
The man looks at the doctor and says "My name isn't Doug, ... it's John."
Doctor says "Yes I know. MY name is Doug. Nice to meet you."
Doctor walks in, putting on his latex gloves and says "OK Doug, this is your first time so just relax and try not to get an erection."
The man looks at the doctor and says "My name isn't Doug, ... it's John."
Doctor says "Yes I know. MY name is Doug. Nice to meet you."
ChiefD
Footballguy
Laugh emoji.
GregR
Footballguy
A new employee is leaving at the end of his first day and sees the big boss standing by a paper shredder with a confused look on his face. The boss looks at the new guy and asks, “Do you know how to use this? This document has a lot of important confidential data on it.”
“Why yes I do,” replies the young man, eager for the chance to impress. He takes the paper from his boss, turns on the machine, and feeds the paper in.
“Great,” says the boss, “I need three copies.”
“Why yes I do,” replies the young man, eager for the chance to impress. He takes the paper from his boss, turns on the machine, and feeds the paper in.
“Great,” says the boss, “I need three copies.”
That looks pretty nerdy. I re-read dragonlance main series about 2-3 years ago, i liked it but only because i read it first when i was a teenager. I don't think someone reading it for the first time as an adult would find it interesting.
Discworld though I recommend to everyone, to you I would recommend starting with "city watch".
- Guards! Guards!
- Men at Arms
- Feet of Clay
- Jingo
- The Fifth Elephant
- Night Watch
- Thud!
- Snuff
I know it looks intimidating with 8 books and the discworld series is one of the very few series that even comes close to wheel of time in word count, however pratchett broke his story down into tons of different books and these are fast reading.
The Longest SFF Series by Word Count - The Fantasy Inn
What are the longest SFF series of all time? We take a look at the word count of the chonkiest SFF stories ever written.
I used to have a link to a really good Discworld reading guide, he broke most of his main books up into certain series so the guide was really helpful because Chronological release skips around everywhere. Some purists argue to read it chronologically, others say it's easier to get into following certain main storylines. The City Watch being by far most people's favorites of his series (mine too) but some of the others are great too like the Witches series, or DEATH (who only speaks in capital letters.)
I had a harder time getting into the Wizards series with Rincewind, those include most of his earliest books so they feel pretty different from the others as the very first book (the Colour of Magic) is like 40+ years old now. RiP Sir Terry, amazing books with great humor...
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
What does a robot do after a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
He nuts and bolts.
Leroy Hoard
Footballguy
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched a tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes says: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Chaz McNulty
Footballguy
This one flew over my head.
GregR
Footballguy
A guy goes to confession and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. On Friday I went golfing and I used the “F” word. The priest says, “tell me about it, my son”.
The man says, I was on the first tee, and I shanked a shot wide left”. The priest says, “oh, you must have said it then”. The man said, “no, because the ball went into the woods, hit a tree, and bounced back right in the middle of the fairway.”
The priest says, “and then what happened?” The man said, “I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right” . The priest says, “so that’s when you said it?” The man says “no, because my shot hit the ball washer machine on the next hole, popped up, and wound up right in the low rough”.
So the priest says, “oh, so that’s when you said it, then”. He said, “no, because I took my wedge and hit it, and it wound up on the green, about six inches from the cup”
There’s silence for a while, and then the priest says, “don’t tell me you missed that ****ing putt…”
The man says, I was on the first tee, and I shanked a shot wide left”. The priest says, “oh, you must have said it then”. The man said, “no, because the ball went into the woods, hit a tree, and bounced back right in the middle of the fairway.”
The priest says, “and then what happened?” The man said, “I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right” . The priest says, “so that’s when you said it?” The man says “no, because my shot hit the ball washer machine on the next hole, popped up, and wound up right in the low rough”.
So the priest says, “oh, so that’s when you said it, then”. He said, “no, because I took my wedge and hit it, and it wound up on the green, about six inches from the cup”
There’s silence for a while, and then the priest says, “don’t tell me you missed that ****ing putt…”
GregR
Footballguy
A young couple are purchasing their first house and are going over the paperwork together. The young woman looks at the mortgage broker's offer of life insurance. "Why would they offer us life insurance policies?" she asked her husband. "We're buying a house."
"it's for the mortgage," her husband tells her. "That way if one of us died, the mortgage would be paid off in full."
His wife replied hesitantly, "Wait, so if I die, you get they house, mortgage-free?"
"Yes," her husband replied. "And vice versa. If I die you get it mortgage free."
Hearing this, the wife frowned. "And then what? Would you remarry?"
The young man shrugged and said, "Well, that's a very hypothetical question. But if I'm still young enough, I guess I probably would."
"Would you move your new bride into our house?" his young wife asked him, brow furrowing slightly.
"Well," he replied, "It would be fully paid off. It's a very nice house. So it would make sense, yes."
His wife gritted her teeth upon hearing this. "And would you and your new bride sleep in our marital bed?"
The husband ran a hand through his hair, but answered her honestly, "Well, you know it -is- an orthopedic mattress for my bad back. So, yes, I imagine we would."
The wife's voice turned increasingly angry. "And would you let her drive my car?"
The husband squirmed a bit in his seat. "I suppose it would just be sitting there unused, as you'd be dead. So, yes."
The wife, looking furious, asked, "And I suppose you'd let her use my golf clubs too?"
The husband gave a quick shake of his head. "Certainly not. She's left-handed."
"it's for the mortgage," her husband tells her. "That way if one of us died, the mortgage would be paid off in full."
His wife replied hesitantly, "Wait, so if I die, you get they house, mortgage-free?"
"Yes," her husband replied. "And vice versa. If I die you get it mortgage free."
Hearing this, the wife frowned. "And then what? Would you remarry?"
The young man shrugged and said, "Well, that's a very hypothetical question. But if I'm still young enough, I guess I probably would."
"Would you move your new bride into our house?" his young wife asked him, brow furrowing slightly.
"Well," he replied, "It would be fully paid off. It's a very nice house. So it would make sense, yes."
His wife gritted her teeth upon hearing this. "And would you and your new bride sleep in our marital bed?"
The husband ran a hand through his hair, but answered her honestly, "Well, you know it -is- an orthopedic mattress for my bad back. So, yes, I imagine we would."
The wife's voice turned increasingly angry. "And would you let her drive my car?"
The husband squirmed a bit in his seat. "I suppose it would just be sitting there unused, as you'd be dead. So, yes."
The wife, looking furious, asked, "And I suppose you'd let her use my golf clubs too?"
The husband gave a quick shake of his head. "Certainly not. She's left-handed."
GregR
Footballguy
An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now. So every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
The bartender smiles at hearing this, as do the bar's other regulars.
Things continue on like that for some time, until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The other people in the bar glance about at each other, the place growing somber.
The bartender puts on a compassionate expression and says, "I'm guessing you only ordered one shot tonight because something happened to your brother?"
The Irishman shakes his head and replies, “No no, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking.”
The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.
He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”
The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now. So every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”
The bartender smiles at hearing this, as do the bar's other regulars.
Things continue on like that for some time, until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The other people in the bar glance about at each other, the place growing somber.
The bartender puts on a compassionate expression and says, "I'm guessing you only ordered one shot tonight because something happened to your brother?"
The Irishman shakes his head and replies, “No no, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking.”
GregR
Footballguy
An old man is lying on his deathbed. It has been months since he was able to get out of bed on his own. As he closes his eyes for what he thinks might be the last time, he suddenly realizes he smells something familiar. It's one of his favorite smells in the world. It's his wife's chocolate chip cookies.
He thinks about his wife, who had stood by his side for 50 years, who gave him their three wonderful children, who has cared for him through this last horrible illness, and is now in the kitchen, making him his favorite treat one final time, and tears come to his eyes. It gives him the strength to raise his head, and sit up, and put his feet on the floor.
He slowly makes his way out of the room and down the stairs, nearly collapsing at several points, but lead on by the delicious smell of his favorite cookies. He makes it to the kitchen, and sees the cookies on a platter, dozens of them, warm and inviting. He reaches out with one shaky hand, his mouth watering. Suddenly his wife smacks the back of his hand with a spatula. "Don't touch those!" she shouts. "They're for the funeral!"
He thinks about his wife, who had stood by his side for 50 years, who gave him their three wonderful children, who has cared for him through this last horrible illness, and is now in the kitchen, making him his favorite treat one final time, and tears come to his eyes. It gives him the strength to raise his head, and sit up, and put his feet on the floor.
He slowly makes his way out of the room and down the stairs, nearly collapsing at several points, but lead on by the delicious smell of his favorite cookies. He makes it to the kitchen, and sees the cookies on a platter, dozens of them, warm and inviting. He reaches out with one shaky hand, his mouth watering. Suddenly his wife smacks the back of his hand with a spatula. "Don't touch those!" she shouts. "They're for the funeral!"
GregR
Footballguy
A man goes to his doctor to get his test results from a previous visit. The doctor says, "Well, I have good news, and I have bad news". The man says to give him the good news first.
"Ok, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor tells him.
The man gasps in horror. "That was the good news!? That’s horrible! What could possibly be worse than that!?"
"I was supposed to call you yesterday."
"Ok, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor tells him.
The man gasps in horror. "That was the good news!? That’s horrible! What could possibly be worse than that!?"
"I was supposed to call you yesterday."
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GregR
Footballguy
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
GregR
Footballguy
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”
GregR
Footballguy
A sailor who was just married had to return to his station in the South Pacific, far away from his new wife. When he got to his base, he wrote her a letter. It said, "We're going to be apart for a long time. And this island is full of young, attractive local girls. I need something to take my mind off it."
His wife sends him an accordion with a note saying, "Learn to play this then."
Finally he comes home from his tour of duty. He rushes into their house and exclaims, "Honey, I can't wait to get you into bed!"
And she replies, "First, let's see how well you play that accordion."
His wife sends him an accordion with a note saying, "Learn to play this then."
Finally he comes home from his tour of duty. He rushes into their house and exclaims, "Honey, I can't wait to get you into bed!"
And she replies, "First, let's see how well you play that accordion."
GregR
Footballguy
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says, "God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa."
He asks her, "Why did you say that?"
"I don't know, I just felt like saying it," she replies
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says, "God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma."
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her. The grandma and grandpa were her parents.
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime. "God bless mommy," and she turns her head and looks straight at him. "And goodbye daddy."
"What!?" he exclaims. "Are you sure honey?"
She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him. "Where the hell were you today??!"
He replies, "Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day."
His wife waves her arms in exasperation and exclaims, "You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the mailman dropped dead on our steps..."
She says, "God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa."
He asks her, "Why did you say that?"
"I don't know, I just felt like saying it," she replies
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says, "God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma."
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her. The grandma and grandpa were her parents.
Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime. "God bless mommy," and she turns her head and looks straight at him. "And goodbye daddy."
"What!?" he exclaims. "Are you sure honey?"
She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him. "Where the hell were you today??!"
He replies, "Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day."
His wife waves her arms in exasperation and exclaims, "You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the mailman dropped dead on our steps..."
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