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Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

I try real hard to mask just how knowledgeable I am with my pet interests....music/track/football/rasslin;/literature when dealing with others.  I try to down play it.. don't want to scare anyone off.

People just can;t stand anyone bragging on anything, I get that.

 
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Saw this on reddit... can't wait to try it out at the grocery store.

When the clerk asks if you want your beer in a bag, say "No thanks, just leave it in the bottles/cans."

 
Have started stealing the John Mulaney "Mick Jagger" schtick the last couple of weeks.  Will loudly declare jokes/anecdotes as "Noooot funnaaaaay!", with a British accent, pointing directly at the person with one hand, while placing the other in some kind of weird chicken wing position pointing backwards (cocksure strut is optional).

 
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Now that summer break is here, I've woken kaniljr (8yo) up before I go to work in the morning the same way he's woken me up in the past.

#1 - I can't figure out how to turn on the TV

#2 - My blanket fell off

#3 - I'm thirsty

…..

If anyone has any ideas for other things to wake him up for please feel free to add to my arsenal.

 
Kanil said:
Now that summer break is here, I've woken kaniljr (8yo) up before I go to work in the morning the same way he's woken me up in the past.

#1 - I can't figure out how to turn on the TV

#2 - My blanket fell off

#3 - I'm thirsty

…..

If anyone has any ideas for other things to wake him up for please feel free to add to my arsenal.
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LOL.  First weekday of summer here for us.  90% of school days I would have to wake my kids up.  Now that it's summer they are up before me.  What's up with that?

 
I purposefully tell people stories multiple times and then act like I never told them the story before. 

Pranking people/helping others prank people is a past time of mine. One time my buddy put a medical boot on his foot and walked around with crutches. Walked up to a group of people and fell and after they helped him up, he just ran away at full sprint. 

Another one, ask someone for a pen. When they offer it to you, say "Eh I don't like that pen, do you have another?" Then they offer you another and you say the same thing. Keep doing that until they get back to the original pen they offered you and then go "This one's perfect, why didn't tell me earlier you had this pen?" 

 
I like to ask my lady every now and again, “have you seen my baseball!?!???”

its funny because In the movie “there’s something about Mary” Cam Diaz’s special brother gets pranked into thinking the other high school guys call “baseball” ... “wiener”

Ps: I feel like I should tell you guys to take that to the bank after that one 

 
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Kanil said:
Now that summer break is here, I've woken kaniljr (8yo) up before I go to work in the morning the same way he's woken me up in the past.

#1 - I can't figure out how to turn on the TV

#2 - My blanket fell off

#3 - I'm thirsty

…..

If anyone has any ideas for other things to wake him up for please feel free to add to my arsenal.
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I just saw this post on reddit.

 
Got my wife pretty good last night.

She's in the kitchen trying to chop some stuff on the cutting board and not fully paying attention around her.

So, when we are both in the kitchen and one of us is in front of a drawer where the other needs something, we just kind of reach toward the drawer and maybe nudge a little and then the other person will move over enough to open the drawer.

Well, while she was chopping, I went to get something from the drawer where she was (our silverware drawer). So she scooted over some. A few seconds later, I went for the new drawer she was standing in front of, so she went back to where she was. Then I went for that drawer again. By the fourth drawer, she turned to me and was about to erupt when I burst into laughter.

I needed nothing from any of the drawers.

 
Not sure why but our office cleaning lady seems to hate emptying the trash near our desks, or at least if it’s later in the day she complains.  I usually keep mine immaculate by either handing to her direct when she comes around at lunch, or I just get up and throw stuff out in the cafeteria 

anyway there is a colleague of mine she can’t stand, so I always throw any afternoon trash in his wastebasket 

the other day she brought some people some popsicles but didn’t even offer him one.  So if course after she left i tossed my  wrapper in his basket and he later got one himself and tossed it too

next day I said something like “hey I noticed Mike took a popsicle yesterday, I hope that was ok” and she replies with “that sonofa##### took two, saw the wrappers in his trash” 

 
Pretend I can't hear people.  Either just ignore.  Or if we make eye contact just point to my ear, throw hands up and inaudibly mouth I can't hear you.

 
gianmarco said:
when we are both in the kitchen and one of us is in front of a drawer where the other needs something, we just kind of reach toward the drawer and maybe nudge a little and then the other person will move over enough to open the drawer.

Well, while she was chopping, I went to get something from the drawer where she was (our silverware drawer). So she scooted over some. A few seconds later, I went for the new drawer she was standing in front of, so she went back to where she was. Then I went for that drawer again. By the fourth drawer, she turned to me and was about to erupt when I burst into laughter.

I needed nothing from any of the drawers.
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If tried more than once she may start not needing anything from your drawers.

 
When legitimately corrected, say "Yeah, that's what I said."

In a meeting:

Me: I was speaking with Karen Miller the other day--

Colleague: Mitchell.

Me: What?

Colleague: Karen Mitchell.

Me: Yeah, that's what I said.  And Karen mentioned to me (etc.)

Usually leaves the corrector dumbfounded and others snickering.

 
facook said:
When legitimately corrected, say "Yeah, that's what I said."

In a meeting:

Me: I was speaking with Karen Miller the other day--

Colleague: Mitchell.

Me: What?

Colleague: Karen Mitchell.

Me: Yeah, that's what I said.  And Karen mentioned to me (etc.)

Usually leaves the corrector dumbfounded and others snickering.
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This reminds me of my dad.  He’ll butcher something on purpose, deny it, then butcher it again

Dad: I spoke to our neighbor Calvin yesterday about...

Mom:  Curtis

Dad: What?

Mom: Our neighbor is Curtis.

Dad:  What did I say?

Mom: You called him Calvin.

Dad: Don’t be ridiculous, I’ve never met anyone named Calvin.  Can I finish my story now?

Mom:  Go ahead.

Dad: So Calvin told me....

 
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facook said:
When legitimately corrected, say "Yeah, that's what I said."

In a meeting:

Me: I was speaking with Karen Miller the other day--

Colleague: Mitchell.

Me: What?

Colleague: Karen Mitchell.

Me: Yeah, that's what I said.  And Karen mentioned to me (etc.)

Usually leaves the corrector dumbfounded and others snickering.
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I do this all the time    :lmao:   :thumbup:

 
My kids have been begging for a dog for years, my son especially. It just isn’t going to happen though, wife dead against and I don’t care enough to lobby on their behalf. We had new neighbors move in across the street a week ago, young couple w two kids. The day they moved in I was home alone most of the day, and texted my wife and kids: “met new neighbors, seem nice, two little kids and a dalmatian puppy.” My son’s dream dog is a dalmatian, so he was very excited. Unfortunately for him it was a lie. I followed that text with one to same group, excluding him, letting them know what’s up. Since then, while careful not to overdo it, we’ve all been dropping stories of our run-ins with “Daisy” and how cute she is. He’s becoming increasingly frustrated that they haven’t crossed paths - CAN’T WAIT to see her/play with her.  :oldunsure:

 
Nigel said:
My kids have been begging for a dog for years, my son especially. It just isn’t going to happen though, wife dead against and I don’t care enough to lobby on their behalf. We had new neighbors move in across the street a week ago, young couple w two kids. The day they moved in I was home alone most of the day, and texted my wife and kids: “met new neighbors, seem nice, two little kids and a dalmatian puppy.” My son’s dream dog is a dalmatian, so he was very excited. Unfortunately for him it was a lie. I followed that text with one to same group, excluding him, letting them know what’s up. Since then, while careful not to overdo it, we’ve all been dropping stories of our run-ins with “Daisy” and how cute she is. He’s becoming increasingly frustrated that they haven’t crossed paths - CAN’T WAIT to see her/play with her.  :oldunsure:
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You keep it up and you are going to have to buy the neighbors a Dalmatian names Daisy.

 
Kanil said:
Now that summer break is here, I've woken kaniljr (8yo) up before I go to work in the morning the same way he's woken me up in the past.

#1 - I can't figure out how to turn on the TV

#2 - My blanket fell off

#3 - I'm thirsty

…..

If anyone has any ideas for other things to wake him up for please feel free to add to my arsenal.
Click to expand...
Airhorn or megaphone would be good

 
When my wife makes us burgers she will ask what kind of cheese I want on it.

Wife: Do you want cheddar or havarti?

Dozer: What was that second one?

Wife: Havarti.

Dozer: I'm good! how are you?

I'm hilarious....

 
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Instead of saying "bless you" when someone sneezed, my friend would say "shut up" with a complete straight face. Didn't yell it, would just say it normally. The looks he'd get were priceless. Not necessarily mean looks but just looks of total confusion. 

Go to a busy mall/park/any place where there's a lot of people walking around. Walk by random people and try to guess their name. 

Whenever something bad happens, I always blame it on my "ex wife" (I've never been married). Friends are confused because I've never been married and they know that. My family just thinks I'm nuts. 

A gym friend of mine would pull all sorts of shtick in the gym. We'd go when it was completely dead. Say there were 10 squat racks. Only 1 would be taken. He'd walk up to that 1 person and ask if we could work in with him despite 9 other squat racks being open. He'd also go to the gym with a flask filled with water which would get some funny looks. 

Wear one of those headsets for your phone. Walk around a busy grocery store and pretend to have an angry conversation with someone. 

 
Just realized another one last night.  My wife is constantly looking for her phone. She sets it down somewhere, then can't remember where.  Usually she'll find it but about twice a week she'll come up to me and say "hey call my phone" so she can find it.  

And I always throw my head back and bellow "RACHEL'S PHOOOOOOOOOONE, WHEEEEEEEEERE AAAAAAAAARE YOUUUUUUUUU?"

Gets an eyeroll everytime :pickle:

 
wlwiles said:
Just realized another one last night.  My wife is constantly looking for her phone. She sets it down somewhere, then can't remember where.  Usually she'll find it but about twice a week she'll come up to me and say "hey call my phone" so she can find it.  

And I always throw my head back and bellow "RACHEL'S PHOOOOOOOOOONE, WHEEEEEEEEERE AAAAAAAAARE YOUUUUUUUUU?"

Gets an eyeroll everytime :pickle:
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Nice.  My wife loses $%&# all the friggin time.  Phone, Juul smoke thing, keys, you name it.  

I'll try this next time.

 
Don't Toews Me said:
Instead of saying "bless you" when someone sneezed, my friend would say "shut up" with a complete straight face. Didn't yell it, would just say it normally. 

Wear one of those headsets for your phone. Walk around a busy grocery store and pretend to have an angry conversation with someone. 
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Good stuff here.

As far as the shut up thing goes, the female that screams "shut up" to me usually gets a "no you shut up".

 
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Leroy Hoard said:
Good stuff here.

As far as the shut up thing goes, the female that screams "shut up" to me usually gets a "no you shut up".
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Haha that's the correct response right there

This guy had balls of steel, he'd say it to random people in meetings/when he's out to eat. This guy did not care one iota 

 
wlwiles said:
Just realized another one last night.  My wife is constantly looking for her phone. She sets it down somewhere, then can't remember where.  Usually she'll find it but about twice a week she'll come up to me and say "hey call my phone" so she can find it.  

And I always throw my head back and bellow "RACHEL'S PHOOOOOOOOOONE, WHEEEEEEEEERE AAAAAAAAARE YOUUUUUUUUU?"

Gets an eyeroll everytime :pickle:
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Just busted this out.   Her response?  "Jesus, you're $@#&ing annoying".

 
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wlwiles said:
Just realized another one last night.  My wife is constantly looking for her phone. She sets it down somewhere, then can't remember where.  Usually she'll find it but about twice a week she'll come up to me and say "hey call my phone" so she can find it.  

And I always throw my head back and bellow "RACHEL'S PHOOOOOOOOOONE, WHEEEEEEEEERE AAAAAAAAARE YOUUUUUUUUU?"

Gets an eyeroll everytime :pickle:
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Hide her phone yourself so you can use this one more often

 
Not schtick but years ago I worked on the 13th floor of an older building for the company I worked for.  Was talking to my SIL about our respective work offices and after I said I worked on 13 she comments how funny that is as her office doesn’t have a 13th floor.  I, of course, assume she understands and just means no labeled 13 floor but then she says “yeah, I wonder how they do that”.

Me: :mellow:   they just label the 13th floor 14 - it’s still the 13 floor of the building, you know that’s what they do, right?

Her: really, always wondered how they did that 

Me: :mellow:   :mellow:   :mellow:  

 
Wrigley said:
We’re on vacation and every time the elevator fills up, some little kid wants to push the buttons.  I always ask for them to please push 13

usually takes a couple seconds for them to realize that there is no 13th floor  
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Go back in time far enough, and I was that little kid.  But then that's what they got for laying off most of the elevator operators.

 
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