Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

[bryhamm]

This time of year I try to respond to as many texts as possible using National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Gifs and no other words.
Cousin Eddie’s “really nice” Gif is extremely versatile as a response.

Sh###ers full

 

[Zow]

Any time my kids say "I'm full" or "I'm not hungry" or whatever I'll rattle off a "Hi Full, I'm dad".

They hate it more than I think anything else in the entire world.

Yep, same.

I've embraced the dad jokes - mainly because my wife seems to genuinely enjoy them.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

This is solid shtick (best one of these I’ve seen)

 

[TheBaylorKid]

Doing a bathroom renovation so I’m only going to get to use this one for a short window. I’m a clean comedy guy so this is pretty edgy for me.

Any time my wife mentions “brushed nickel” fixtures

Me: “and when do you want me to do this?”

Wife: “do what?”

Me: “ brush the ni p p l es”

 

[arrow1]

Doing a bathroom renovation so I’m only going to get to use this one for a short window. I’m a clean comedy guy so this is pretty edgy for me.

Any time my wife mentions “brushed nickel” fixtures

Me: “and when do you want me to do this?”

Wife: “do what?”

Me: “ brush the ni p p l es”

 

[mr. furley]

Doing a bathroom renovation so I’m only going to get to use this one for a short window. I’m a clean comedy guy so this is pretty edgy for me.

Any time my wife mentions “brushed nickel” fixtures

Me: “and when do you want me to do this?”

Wife: “do what?”

Me: “ brush the ni p p l es”

yeah, you've gotta milk that one

 

[Jaysus]

Doing a bathroom renovation so I’m only going to get to use this one for a short window. I’m a clean comedy guy so this is pretty edgy for me.

Any time my wife mentions “brushed nickel” fixtures

Me: “and when do you want me to do this?”

Wife: “do what?”

Me: “ brush the ni p p l es”

yeah, you've gotta milk that one

laugh out loud emoji

 

[Hastur]

There is a group on FB called "Savage Football Memes", and there is a guy named George Johnson on there that does 5 star shtick. Says he is a Cowboys fan. This morning he says he just arrived in Green bay for the game, and someone said the game is in Texas. He wants to know if it is true.

Tons of fish jump in his boat EVERY time.

 

[Snoopy]

There is a group on FB called "Savage Football Memes", and there is a guy named George Johnson on there that does 5 star shtick. Says he is a Cowboys fan. This morning he says he just arrived in Green bay for the game, and someone said the game is in Texas. He wants to know if it is true.

Tons of fish jump in his boat EVERY time.

Also arriving flights at GRB were delayed because of the weather.

 

[mr. furley]

There is a group on FB called "Savage Football Memes", and there is a guy named George Johnson on there that does 5 star shtick. Says he is a Cowboys fan. This morning he says he just arrived in Green bay for the game, and someone said the game is in Texas. He wants to know if it is true.

Tons of fish jump in his boat EVERY time.

Also arriving flights at GRB were delayed because of the weather.

airport was closed yesterday

 

[Ron Swanson]

My wife has colored hair. Like green, red, purple, pink, whatever. She's had it for at least 20 years. She has it professionally done and it's obvious vs. a lot of the botched home dye jobs that are prevalent now that colored hair seems to be a mainstream thing. She gets frequent compliments from random people all the time. "I love your hair, etc.".

I shave my head.

When we're together and she's complimented I'm always sure to jump on it quickly and reply before she can, "thanks, nice of you to notice".

It never gets old.

 

[ChiefD]

I started calling my lunch time at work halftime. It goes like this with my wife:

"I'm heading to the hardware store at halftime today. You need anything?"

Her: "what is halftime?"

Me: "my lunch break"

Her: "you are a moron"

Me:

 

[ChiefD]

So I've started creating sayings for my wife and kids that are dumb and rooted in nothingness in response to questions or situations.

For example:

We've been trying to coordinate a Royals/Brewers game in Milwaukee since my son goes to college down there. But we just can't make it work this year due to his schedule. He's disappointed, as am I, so I pop out these two gems:

1. Gotta work with what ya got to work with

2. You can't plant a garden if you don't have a garden

 

[Ron Swanson]

2. You can't plant a garden if you don't have a garden

Tested and approved. I dropped this on a drunk offdee5 tonight in my best Swanson baritone at a little hipster-ish bar in Houston. She was next to me at the bar and yammered on white wine, desperately trying to engage anyone around in a conversation about her carnal desires for her hot (but not present) best friend despite her professed straightness. The line greatly amused me but unfortunately landed a bit too well with her. Thankfully, the kind and professional bartender intervened to hasten her departure.

 

[ChiefD]

2. You can't plant a garden if you don't have a garden

Tested and approved. I dropped this on a drunk offdee5 tonight in my best Swanson baritone at a little hipster-ish bar in Houston. She was next to me at the bar and yammered on white wine, desperately trying to engage anyone around in a conversation about her carnal desires for her hot (but not present) best friend despite her professed straightness. The line greatly amused me but unfortunately landed a bit too well with her. Thankfully, the kind and professional bartender intervened to hasten her departure.

This might be my proudest moment.

Thank you.

 

[The Gator]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick a song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

This is good. I have a friend who frequents a bar near his house that does something a little similar. He'll play his favorite tunes while there but on his way out play some of the worst songs he can think of.

 

[belljr]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

 

[Beef Ravioli Part 2]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

Doing this with Free Bird would also be great schtick to hear a 9 minute song five times in a row.

 

[FarFromHome]

Not a current schtick but two of my greatest achievements nonetheless. I had my son at like 7 or 8 convinced I had Wolverine claws in my hands. Just could never show him because every time I unleashed them it hurt. He believed me for a long long time. Had my daughter, at around age 7 or so convinced I was the blue Power Ranger. I would go out when she slept. They are both now 19 and 25 and they still talk about it. Good times as a father.

 

[shuke]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

One of our favorite bars in college had a nice jukebox with Grateful Dead's Terrapin Station. Track 6 on that album is really the entire second side of the album, with 6 or 7 parts, but it's all one track on the CD, over 15 minutes long. I was known to have put a dollar in and play it 4 times in a row, sometimes when we were leaving and sometimes when we were just hanging out there.

 

[TheAristocrat]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

Doing this with Free Bird would also be great schtick to hear a 9 minute song five times in a row.

I Would Do Anything For Love firing up for a third time can empty a bar

 

[ThaPenguin]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

Doing this with Free Bird would also be great schtick to hear a 9 minute song five times in a row.

I Would Do Anything For Love firing up for a third time can empty a bar

I would do anything for shtick, but I won't do that.

 

[SWC]

i do the same thing but i play mmmm bop and holy crap does it make people mad to have a good run of stones maybe a patsy cline in there and then bam mmmmm bop badopwop bopdooowop man they hate it take that to the bank bromigos

 

[Instinctive]

My main real life shtick is whenever someone says they can't hear me, or that something is too loud, or if I can say something again, or anything in that area of comment...

I just respond "What?" And then when they repeat whatever they said or asked for, I say "What?" And if they get louder I just yell back "WHAT?" Until my wife, or whomever, just looks at me with exasperation and love at the same time.

 

[bryhamm]

My main real life shtick is whenever someone says they can't hear me, or that something is too loud, or if I can say something again, or anything in that area of comment...

I just respond "What?" And then when they repeat whatever they said or asked for, I say "What?" And if they get louder I just yell back "WHAT?" Until my wife, or whomever, just looks at me with exasperation and love at the same time.

WHAT?

 

[AAABatteries]

My main real life shtick is whenever someone says they can't hear me, or that something is too loud, or if I can say something again, or anything in that area of comment...

I just respond "What?" And then when they repeat whatever they said or asked for, I say "What?" And if they get louder I just yell back "WHAT?" Until my wife, or whomever, just looks at me with exasperation and love at the same time.

WHAT?

OKAY

 

[nirad3]

I'm contemplating buying a handful of cheap earbuds off Amazon to bring with me to fast food joints and airports to hand to people that watch videos with the sound way up in public.

 

[ChiefD]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

 

[Mister CIA]

My best schtick is giving BS answers with a straight face.

 

[Mister CIA]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

Can you work in a lyrical "Because I got high" waters?

 

[mr. furley]

My best schtick is giving BS answers with a straight face.

been doing this to my wife and kids for years

they think i'm the dumbest neanderthal that ever walked the planet. it's awesome.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

I do like the idea of saying I am wearing half pants.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

Outer pants/briefs?

 

[gianmarco]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

Pantalones.

 

[Terminalxylem]

i do the same thing but i play mmmm bop and holy crap does it make people mad to have a good run of stones maybe a patsy cline in there and then bam mmmmm bop badopwop bopdooowop man they hate it take that to the bank bromigos

This is a good idea. Group Karaoke is a thing here, so I need something break up the Journey and Bohemian Rhapsody. Mmmm Bop seems like a good candidate, or maybe Closer by Nine Inch Nails?

 

[brun]

Sometimes when someone is talking about doing something or getting together in the future. I'll reply with "I'll try but I'm old and might die before then." It's surprising how often this seems to upset people.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

Sometimes when someone is talking about doing something or getting together in the future. I'll reply with "I'll try but I'm old and might die before then." It's surprising how often this seems to upset people.

When you do die at least nobody can say you didn't give advance notice.

 

[nirad3]

No new shtick to report of, but I did use the word "shtick" in a Words With Friends game recently.

 

[FiredMartz]

if we are in bars with LOUD Touch Tunes I'll have my wife play Jackyl..." She Loves My C-*k "

 

[wlwiles]

Just watched the Pee Wee Herman documentary on Max the last couple of nights and I'm suddenly tempted to break out the "I know you are but what am I?" in random conversation today.

 

[TheBaylorKid]

i do the same thing but i play mmmm bop and holy crap does it make people mad to have a good run of stones maybe a patsy cline in there and then bam mmmmm bop badopwop bopdooowop man they hate it take that to the bank bromigos

My high school cafeteria had a juke box for some reason and I would often pay for the Oak Ridge Boys Elvira for the lunch crowd after I finished my lunch and was on my way out the door. “Ooommmm poppa, ommmm poppa” is a similar sound to “mmmmm bop”, must be something to the wave length that drives people insane. I don’t hear it, so it doesn’t bother me.

 

[Ministry of Pain]

It's not personal, it's business

 

[nirad3]

if we are in bars with LOUD Touch Tunes I'll have my wife play Jackyl..." She Loves My C-*k "

I think this - or something similar - was discussed in this thread, but a buddy of mine, who lives close enough to the dive bar we frequent, is able to put songs on their TouchTunes and will regularly put about 10-11 Christmas songs in a row in the queue.

Edit - meant to say he does this like in the middle of summer....

 

[TheBaylorKid]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

Time to put on my little britches.

 

[ChiefD]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

Time to put on my little britches.

That is solid.

Adding that one to the list.

 

[Ron Swanson]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

Big Boy Pants whenever I can't wear shorts.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

So for awhile whenever I put on a pair of shorts, I tell my wife I am going to change into some shortpants.

Of course after a few months it has run it's course as my wife now gets enraged when I say it. So mission accomplished. However, I need some new shtick for this so I've made a few adjustments:

Knee Low Pants
Half Pants
Pants That Stop At My Knees
High Capri's

Conversely, I've also changed it for when I put on regular pants. They are now called:

Longpants
Ankle Length Shorts
Not Shorts

Big Boy Pants whenever I can't wear shorts.

For best effect strut around the house singing this song in a little kid's voice.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

youtu.be

 

[STBootleg]

Always good with Stubbies

 

[gianmarco]

Got a new one today that I'll definitely use again.

Dropped my wife off at the entrance of Costco as it was a bit nuts and then parked.

Coming out of the store, I go "alright, so where did we park?"

It took her a full 10 seconds to remember she wasn't there when I parked.