Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

[bryhamm]

This time of year I try to respond to as many texts as possible using National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Gifs and no other words.
Cousin Eddie’s “really nice” Gif is extremely versatile as a response.

Sh###ers full

 

[Zow]

Any time my kids say "I'm full" or "I'm not hungry" or whatever I'll rattle off a "Hi Full, I'm dad".

They hate it more than I think anything else in the entire world.

Yep, same.

I've embraced the dad jokes - mainly because my wife seems to genuinely enjoy them.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

This is solid shtick (best one of these I’ve seen)

 

[TheBaylorKid]

Doing a bathroom renovation so I’m only going to get to use this one for a short window. I’m a clean comedy guy so this is pretty edgy for me.

Any time my wife mentions “brushed nickel” fixtures

Me: “and when do you want me to do this?”

Wife: “do what?”

Me: “ brush the ni p p l es”

 

[arrow1]

Doing a bathroom renovation so I’m only going to get to use this one for a short window. I’m a clean comedy guy so this is pretty edgy for me.

Any time my wife mentions “brushed nickel” fixtures

Me: “and when do you want me to do this?”

Wife: “do what?”

Me: “ brush the ni p p l es”

 

[mr. furley]

Doing a bathroom renovation so I’m only going to get to use this one for a short window. I’m a clean comedy guy so this is pretty edgy for me.

Any time my wife mentions “brushed nickel” fixtures

Me: “and when do you want me to do this?”

Wife: “do what?”

Me: “ brush the ni p p l es”

yeah, you've gotta milk that one

 

[Jaysus]

Doing a bathroom renovation so I’m only going to get to use this one for a short window. I’m a clean comedy guy so this is pretty edgy for me.

Any time my wife mentions “brushed nickel” fixtures

Me: “and when do you want me to do this?”

Wife: “do what?”

Me: “ brush the ni p p l es”

yeah, you've gotta milk that one

laugh out loud emoji

 

[Hastur]

There is a group on FB called "Savage Football Memes", and there is a guy named George Johnson on there that does 5 star shtick. Says he is a Cowboys fan. This morning he says he just arrived in Green bay for the game, and someone said the game is in Texas. He wants to know if it is true.

Tons of fish jump in his boat EVERY time.

 

[Snoopy]

There is a group on FB called "Savage Football Memes", and there is a guy named George Johnson on there that does 5 star shtick. Says he is a Cowboys fan. This morning he says he just arrived in Green bay for the game, and someone said the game is in Texas. He wants to know if it is true.

Tons of fish jump in his boat EVERY time.

Also arriving flights at GRB were delayed because of the weather.

 

[mr. furley]

There is a group on FB called "Savage Football Memes", and there is a guy named George Johnson on there that does 5 star shtick. Says he is a Cowboys fan. This morning he says he just arrived in Green bay for the game, and someone said the game is in Texas. He wants to know if it is true.

Tons of fish jump in his boat EVERY time.

Also arriving flights at GRB were delayed because of the weather.

airport was closed yesterday

 

[Ron Swanson]

My wife has colored hair. Like green, red, purple, pink, whatever. She's had it for at least 20 years. She has it professionally done and it's obvious vs. a lot of the botched home dye jobs that are prevalent now that colored hair seems to be a mainstream thing. She gets frequent compliments from random people all the time. "I love your hair, etc.".

I shave my head.

When we're together and she's complimented I'm always sure to jump on it quickly and reply before she can, "thanks, nice of you to notice".

It never gets old.

 

[ChiefD]

I started calling my lunch time at work halftime. It goes like this with my wife:

"I'm heading to the hardware store at halftime today. You need anything?"

Her: "what is halftime?"

Me: "my lunch break"

Her: "you are a moron"

Me:

 

[ChiefD]

So I've started creating sayings for my wife and kids that are dumb and rooted in nothingness in response to questions or situations.

For example:

We've been trying to coordinate a Royals/Brewers game in Milwaukee since my son goes to college down there. But we just can't make it work this year due to his schedule. He's disappointed, as am I, so I pop out these two gems:

1. Gotta work with what ya got to work with

2. You can't plant a garden if you don't have a garden

 

[Ron Swanson]

2. You can't plant a garden if you don't have a garden

Tested and approved. I dropped this on a drunk offdee5 tonight in my best Swanson baritone at a little hipster-ish bar in Houston. She was next to me at the bar and yammered on white wine, desperately trying to engage anyone around in a conversation about her carnal desires for her hot (but not present) best friend despite her professed straightness. The line greatly amused me but unfortunately landed a bit too well with her. Thankfully, the kind and professional bartender intervened to hasten her departure.

 

[ChiefD]

2. You can't plant a garden if you don't have a garden

Tested and approved. I dropped this on a drunk offdee5 tonight in my best Swanson baritone at a little hipster-ish bar in Houston. She was next to me at the bar and yammered on white wine, desperately trying to engage anyone around in a conversation about her carnal desires for her hot (but not present) best friend despite her professed straightness. The line greatly amused me but unfortunately landed a bit too well with her. Thankfully, the kind and professional bartender intervened to hasten her departure.

This might be my proudest moment.

Thank you.

 

[The Gator]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick a song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

 

[Leroy Hoard]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

This is good. I have a friend who frequents a bar near his house that does something a little similar. He'll play his favorite tunes while there but on his way out play some of the worst songs he can think of.

 

[belljr]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

 

[Beef Ravioli Part 2]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

Doing this with Free Bird would also be great schtick to hear a 9 minute song five times in a row.

 

[FarFromHome]

Not a current schtick but two of my greatest achievements nonetheless. I had my son at like 7 or 8 convinced I had Wolverine claws in my hands. Just could never show him because every time I unleashed them it hurt. He believed me for a long long time. Had my daughter, at around age 7 or so convinced I was the blue Power Ranger. I would go out when she slept. They are both now 19 and 25 and they still talk about it. Good times as a father.

 

[shuke]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

One of our favorite bars in college had a nice jukebox with Grateful Dead's Terrapin Station. Track 6 on that album is really the entire second side of the album, with 6 or 7 parts, but it's all one track on the CD, over 15 minutes long. I was known to have put a dollar in and play it 4 times in a row, sometimes when we were leaving and sometimes when we were just hanging out there.

 

[TheAristocrat]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

Doing this with Free Bird would also be great schtick to hear a 9 minute song five times in a row.

I Would Do Anything For Love firing up for a third time can empty a bar

 

[ThaPenguin]

These Touch Tune music players that are in pubs/bars -


When someone walks up to put physical money into it to pick I song I get on the app and play Milly Vanilli so everyone thinks they played it.

Before there was an app I would put in money for 5-10 songs and only select Free Ride

Doing this with Free Bird would also be great schtick to hear a 9 minute song five times in a row.

I Would Do Anything For Love firing up for a third time can empty a bar

I would do anything for shtick, but I won't do that.

 

[SWC]

i do the same thing but i play mmmm bop and holy crap does it make people mad to have a good run of stones maybe a patsy cline in there and then bam mmmmm bop badopwop bopdooowop man they hate it take that to the bank bromigos

 

[Instinctive]

My main real life shtick is whenever someone says they can't hear me, or that something is too loud, or if I can say something again, or anything in that area of comment...

I just respond "What?" And then when they repeat whatever they said or asked for, I say "What?" And if they get louder I just yell back "WHAT?" Until my wife, or whomever, just looks at me with exasperation and love at the same time.

 

[bryhamm]

My main real life shtick is whenever someone says they can't hear me, or that something is too loud, or if I can say something again, or anything in that area of comment...

I just respond "What?" And then when they repeat whatever they said or asked for, I say "What?" And if they get louder I just yell back "WHAT?" Until my wife, or whomever, just looks at me with exasperation and love at the same time.

WHAT?

 

[AAABatteries]

My main real life shtick is whenever someone says they can't hear me, or that something is too loud, or if I can say something again, or anything in that area of comment...

I just respond "What?" And then when they repeat whatever they said or asked for, I say "What?" And if they get louder I just yell back "WHAT?" Until my wife, or whomever, just looks at me with exasperation and love at the same time.

WHAT?

OKAY