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Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

Bluesbomber said:
When someone dumps a pallet of product, drops a beverage or plate of something or any number of noisy miscues I extoll with the proper vigor for the situation...Yahtzee !!! Ussually gets a chuckle and lightens up the situation. Amuses me anyway lol.

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When anything is dropped inside the house, or like plates at a restaurant, I yell out "Fumble."

My four year old grand daughter cracks up laughing every time I say this and now she says it all the time also when it happens.

 
Whenever driving with the family and I see someone walking their dog and it stops to do its business I'll yell out "dog pooping".

My daughter laughs, wife not so much.

 
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I think I've said this one before - Anytime my kids or wife asks where something is (phone, keys, remote, dogs) I immediately pop back:  "if it was up your butt you'd know". 

Sometimes they say it before I can in response to their own question.

Pretty sure they are going to put it on my tombstone.

 
I'm fairly sure this is pretty lame schtick but I find myself doing it at least a few times a year.

If someone is wearing an outrageous outfit or item of clothing for a special occasion (like my next door neighbor who was rockin' red, white and blue short overalls for the Fourth), I say something to the effect of "gee, glad I didn't wear mine... then things would be really awkward!"

 
Don't Toews Me said:
Here's one: 

My neighbor has an above ground pool with a deck. Older guy, maybe early 60s. Sometimes he just sits on a chair on the pool deck and doesn't go in the pool. 

My work room is upstairs in my house with a window to my backyard. Now, one of my useless skills in life is I'm able to make a sound pretty close to the sound that a peacock makes when it does it's call. 

So on a weekly/bi-weekly (gotta switch it up to keep him guessing) basis during work, I mute my zoom, gently open the window ever so slightly, and whenever he's sitting on his pool deck, I make the sound. And every time, I see him moving his head back and forth trying to listen to my bird noise. 

This has been going on for months. After a few times, I was outside doing yard work and I saw him. Started talking to him. And as we were departing, I go "By the way, have you heard this really weird bird sound lately? I can't quite make it myself, but it's the weirdest damn thing. I'm upstairs doing work and I hear it like every week. Sometimes I wonder if it's a dying bird, but I keep hearing it." 

He goes, "Yes I have heard it, but I can't ever find where it is. Very odd sound. I almost want to contact some local bird experts because I'm genuinely curious."
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You have to get some feathers to leave around or in his pool.  Also, get him an airhorn to blast whenever he hears the bird to "scare it away".  And finally, get something for home defense when he finds out what you have been doing.

 
I've been doing the personal fist pump lately. At work, at home...in stores...etc.

For example, I'll be at the convenience store, and after I fill up my cup and put the lid on, I'll give myself a fist pump. I only pull this out when I know someone is standing there watching.

It's been glorious. 

 
ChiefD said:
I've been doing the personal fist pump lately. At work, at home...in stores...etc.

For example, I'll be at the convenience store, and after I fill up my cup and put the lid on, I'll give myself a fist pump. I only pull this out when I know someone is standing there watching.

It's been glorious. 
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Wait.... fist PUMP or fist BUMP?  

Like are you pumping your fist Jersey Shore style or just giving your fists a quick bump-together?

Either way I guess it's funny. :lol:

 
ChiefD said:
I've been doing the personal fist pump lately. At work, at home...in stores...etc.

For example, I'll be at the convenience store, and after I fill up my cup and put the lid on, I'll give myself a fist pump. I only pull this out when I know someone is standing there watching.

It's been glorious. 
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thumbs up emoji

 
I live on a street with a riverwalk that is popular with locals and tourists. There are a few historical markers along the walk. I'm thinking about having a fake sign (but very legit looking) made up that rambles with a story for a while like they typically do and ends with "But none of that actually happened here" and mounting it where I can watch it with evening drinks from the porch. Good schtick?

 
ChiefD said:
I've been doing the personal fist pump lately. At work, at home...in stores...etc.

For example, I'll be at the convenience store, and after I fill up my cup and put the lid on, I'll give myself a fist pump. I only pull this out when I know someone is standing there watching.

It's been glorious. 
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Going to start doing this tomorrow.

 
Ron Swanson said:
I live on a street with a riverwalk that is popular with locals and tourists. There are a few historical markers along the walk. I'm thinking about having a fake sign (but very legit looking) made up that rambles with a story for a while like they typically do and ends with "But none of that actually happened here" and mounting it where I can watch it with evening drinks from the porch. Good schtick?
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Post videos, please.

 
ChiefD said:
I've been doing the personal fist pump lately. At work, at home...in stores...etc.

For example, I'll be at the convenience store, and after I fill up my cup and put the lid on, I'll give myself a fist pump. I only pull this out when I know someone is standing there watching.

It's been glorious. 
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this honestly made me laugh out loud i am going to start doing this too man thats good stuff take that to the bank brohan 

 
shuke said:
Going to start doing this tomorrow.
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Not gonna lie....this may well be "peak shuke."  On brand to the Nth degree.  :Italian chef finger kiss:

I'm actually sort of surprised you haven't already been doing this off camera already on all your "Eat-Off" clips.  

 

 
I have a friend going through a tough time. He's not too bright and he's really the cause of all his problems. He's having a lot of trouble with his family and his health and even his mental health. I try to be as encouraging as I can as often as I can. His name is Brandon.

 
At some point I think I’ve posted about me buying dumb Christmas #### (Christmas pig, seasonal fabric birds, gnomes) and hiding them around the house 

I’ll admit the birds have become an unhealthy obsession.  They were selling ornaments version at target but I was not allowed to get them, so one day I grabbed a few and hid them in the tree, along with a little tabletop gnome

eventually I couldn’t stop laughing and had to show her after a few days, but now my latest shtick is pretending I’ve hidden something additional (I haven’t).  I’ll randomly bring up something about an extra bird and it’s driving her crazy not knowing if I’m making it up or not.  Might be too late but I should probably find something new and sneak it in somewhere and tell her it’s been there the whole time

 
So I'm 52 years old.

Lately I've been pretending I don't hear things my wife and kids say. They'll start talking or asking me something and I'll not respond, or if the conditions are right I'll start walking out of the room without acknowleding the things they are saying. They've been chasing after me to catch my attention. If it's not really that important they are leaving me alone.

I think I'm loving this one. 

 
ChiefD said:
So I'm 52 years old.

Lately I've been pretending I don't hear things my wife and kids say. They'll start talking or asking me something and I'll not respond, or if the conditions are right I'll start walking out of the room without acknowleding the things they are saying. They've been chasing after me to catch my attention. If it's not really that important they are leaving me alone.

I think I'm loving this one. 
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Start putting random things in your ears like you're testing out new hearing aids.    Don't say anything to anybody, just see if they notice.

 
ChiefD said:
So I'm 52 years old.

Lately I've been pretending I don't hear things my wife and kids say. They'll start talking or asking me something and I'll not respond, or if the conditions are right I'll start walking out of the room without acknowleding the things they are saying. They've been chasing after me to catch my attention. If it's not really that important they are leaving me alone.

I think I'm loving this one. 
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My dad did that for years. Over time my mother nagged him into getting hearing aids. That he didn't need. Then he would simply "forget" to replace the batteries, forget them altogether, etc. This might have been the most important life lesson he taught me. Commitment to the bit.

 
I work in an office type environment, and everyone gets lots of 'general public' emails.  A co-worker is a big fan of The Office, so I have started forwarding every email I(we) get to him(a la Michael, the forward king).  It's been 5 hours, and he's livid lol

 
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my kids reply "your mom" to like 50% of the things we ask them now

any question. any comment is met with "your mom". they think it's hilarious.

my amazing, spectacular, wonderful, brilliant wife and her mom don't get it... and it makes them both really angry. "actually, no, it's not my mom! she's not even here and that doesn't make sense!" almost every time. which just makes the kids do it more.

they are trolls, par excellence

 
Dezbelief said:
Lol, tell her every year.

My late Father-in-law hosted everyone one Father's day for a cookout. When each of his 5 kids asked separately what they can bring he told them ice cream. His 5 kids each brought enough ice cream for 20 people. 
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My dad hosts a shrimp boil every fall when the weather is nice.  He invites the whole family, neighbors, work friends, in his mind it's the more the merrier.  Anytime someone asks if they can bring something he just cocks his head with an I hope you're joking expression and deadpans "uh, yeah.....shrimp."

 
So my son's hockey team brings one of those big bluetooth boom boxes to the locker room so they can jam while they get ready to go. Early in the season one of the boys left it by all the bags while the coach was talking to them or something.

I went over and synced my phone to the box.

So for the rest of the year every once in awhile I'd go stand by the locker room door pretending to watch whoever was playing on the ice. I'd throw on some oddball music that would sync to that boombox. The hilarity when all the boys would start razzing each other over who was playing that dumb music.

I'd throw on some big band, some disco, 50's music....whatever.

:lol:
 
Helped create some new shtick today

Stopped by my buddy’s house today. His wife was browning some country ribs for dinner and then was gonna slow cook them. Told her she wasn’t browning them enough

Buddy picked up on it and basically said anytime she’s making that dish or anything similar he’s gonna tell her that she’s not browning them enough or that’s not how Dan says to do it

Should pay dividends down the road
 
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