Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

[Leroy Hoard]

Due to shortages on the mask, a full medical bodysuit may be the way to go

I'd love to raid the prop room of a zombie flick and get one of those  zombie control suits.

 

[Dan Lambskin]

Been going on lots of walks with the wife and dogs

one time I said “oh no I don’t have my wallet”.  Absolutely no reason I would need it and she asked what I would need it for so I made up something dumb like “what if we need to prove the dogs are ours”
 

so now every time we go I randomly blurt out “oh no I don’t have my wallet”.  She’s pretty close to strangling me with the dog leash

 

[Hov34]

Started something new since "getting back out there".

Anytime I see someone with a hat or a shirt of a sports team I say "Go Titans" or whatever team they have on.  If they ask me if I'm a fan I just say no and walk away. 

Getting gas at Costco this morning I saw a guy with a Royals hat on.  "Go Royals!" Got in the car and drove off.  I'm so bored...

 

[offdee]

Anytime I see someone with a hat or a shirt of a sports team I say "Go Titans" or whatever team they have on.  If they ask me if I'm a fan I just say no and walk away. 

I would think you’re a complete jag. 

 

[BoltBacker]

I would think you’re a complete jag. 

Only if YOU were wearing a Bortles jersey.

 

[Zegras11]

Started something new since "getting back out there".

Anytime I see someone with a hat or a shirt of a sports team I say "Go Titans" or whatever team they have on.  If they ask me if I'm a fan I just say no and walk away. 

Getting gas at Costco this morning I saw a guy with a Royals hat on.  "Go Royals!" Got in the car and drove off.  I'm so bored...

I did something similar to this at WSOP a few years ago.   NHL playoffs were under way.  I bought a Nashville Predators TShirt and wore it while I played.  It was the year they made a run at the Cup in 2017.

People passing by would yell "Go Preds."

The best was when some Sharks was at my table, and he went on and on about some series between the Sharks and Preds. Went on so much you just want him to ####. At the end of his rant, he says, "How long have you been a Preds fan?"   I answer, "I'm not. I lost a bet and a friend is making me where this at the WSOP."   

 

[Hov34]

Anytime I see someone with a hat or a shirt of a sports team I say "Go Titans" or whatever team they have on.  If they ask me if I'm a fan I just say no and walk away. 

I would think you’re a complete jag. 

You're the guy I'm doing this for.

 

[Bossman]

Me and the wife are beans deep in the Game of Thrones ... mid season 4.

.. so this will only make sense to those that have watched it ...

When I can't remember something she told me ... or I've done something she considers stupid ...

I look her in the eye with the dumbest face possible  ... and say in my dumb voice  "Hodor"

 

[E-Z Glider]

The other day we got some junk-mail disguised as a Christmas card from Shutterfly. I put it up on display in our Christmas card holder in the kitchen. At different times in the day, I caught every single person in my house staring at it and asking "Who are these people?"     

The Riveras

 

[nightmare]

The other day we got some junk-mail disguised as a Christmas card from Shutterfly. I put it up on display in our Christmas card holder in the kitchen. At different times in the day, I caught every single person in my house staring at it and asking "Who are these people?"     

The Riveras

Shutterfly is still around? They were huge 6 years ago, now Walmart is eating their lunch.

 

[Binky The Doormat]

I do receive regular blackmail email from shutterfly about how my account is in violation and how they are holding my family images hostage unless I pay them.  

Maybe it's photobucket ...probably both.  

 

[Dan Lambskin]

Me and the wife are beans deep in the Game of Thrones ... mid season 4.

.. so this will only make sense to those that have watched it ...

When I can't remember something she told me ... or I've done something she considers stupid ...

I look her in the eye with the dumbest face possible  ... and say in my dumb voice  "Hodor"

The other day we got some junk-mail disguised as a Christmas card from Shutterfly. I put it up on display in our Christmas card holder in the kitchen. At different times in the day, I caught every single person in my house staring at it and asking "Who are these people?"     

The Riveras

Both of these are great

 

[E-Z Glider]

Stole this one from TikTok. They have videos on there where people wrap up regular gifts to look like something completely different. They get pretty outrageous (looks like an actual kayak w/ paddle but is actually just a t-shirt, an iWatch wrapped up to look like a 6ft extension ladder with each rung individually wrapped, etc). Daughter's showed it to me and we decided we're each going to wrap one of my wifes gifts this way. It will be hilarious because she'll have no idea what's going on. Daughter #1 wrapped up a tube of chapstick to look like a bottle of wine. Daughter #2 wrapped up some socks in a box that looks like a house. I wrapped up a shirt to look like a fishing rod (which she'll totally believe because Ive actually made the mistake of giving her a fishing rod as a gift in the past  )

Ours aren't nearly as good as TikTok 

 

[Leroy Hoard]

Stole this one from TikTok. They have videos on there where people wrap up regular gifts to look like something completely different. They get pretty outrageous (looks like an actual kayak w/ paddle but is actually just a t-shirt, an iWatch wrapped up to look like a 6ft extension ladder with each rung individually wrapped, etc). Daughter's showed it to me and we decided we're each going to wrap one of my wifes gifts this way. It will be hilarious because she'll have no idea what's going on. Daughter #1 wrapped up a tube of chapstick to look like a bottle of wine. Daughter #2 wrapped up some socks in a box that looks like a house. I wrapped up a shirt to look like a fishing rod (which she'll totally believe because Ive actually made the mistake of giving her a fishing rod as a gift in the past  )

Ours aren't nearly as good as TikTok 

More advanced update to what my dad used to do to his brother in law and others.  Took the cheapest bottle of liquor in his collection and put it in a Crown Royal bag or a box an expensive scotch would be in.

 

[mr. furley]

my kid has started introducing herself by name "(furley) without the P"

puts people on their heels for a second

 

[belljr]

Stole this one from TikTok. They have videos on there where people wrap up regular gifts to look like something completely different. They get pretty outrageous (looks like an actual kayak w/ paddle but is actually just a t-shirt, an iWatch wrapped up to look like a 6ft extension ladder with each rung individually wrapped, etc). Daughter's showed it to me and we decided we're each going to wrap one of my wifes gifts this way. It will be hilarious because she'll have no idea what's going on. Daughter #1 wrapped up a tube of chapstick to look like a bottle of wine. Daughter #2 wrapped up some socks in a box that looks like a house. I wrapped up a shirt to look like a fishing rod (which she'll totally believe because Ive actually made the mistake of giving her a fishing rod as a gift in the past  )

Ours aren't nearly as good as TikTok 

I just did this and had no idea it was a thing!!;;

I could have been a trendsetter.  I wrapped my bil golf balls in the shape of a big bottle

 

[Osaurus]

We go grocery shopping at 7 am almost every Saturday. Clearly the cashiers and baggers are not morning people so I like to bring the energy to checkout and ask them how their morning’s going and be real upbeat and ask several times. Usually it falls flat, but I keep on going. Mrs. O thinks I’m crazy, but it’s stupid fun. 

 

[belljr]

We go grocery shopping at 7 am almost every Saturday. Clearly the cashiers and baggers are not morning people so I like to bring the energy to checkout and ask them how their morning’s going and be real upbeat and ask several times. Usually it falls flat, but I keep on going. Mrs. O thinks I’m crazy, but it’s stupid fun. 

I'd watch your back pal

 

[CGRdrJoe]

I just did this and had no idea it was a thing!!;;

I could have been a trendsetter.  I wrapped my bil golf balls in the shape of a big bottle

I went to do that with my bil’s gift card and my mom saw me and flipped out over wasting wrapping paper  I had to remind her that $1.00’s worth of wrapping paper is not going to break my family, she is pissed though which means I’m going to do it for more gifts!

 

[gianmarco]

I went to do that with my bil’s gift card and my mom saw me and flipped out over wasting wrapping paper  I had to remind her that $1.00’s worth of wrapping paper is not going to break my family, she is pissed though which means I’m going to do it for more gifts!

You should get her a roll of wrapping paper for Christmas as an additional gift.  Of course, wrap it with wrapping paper.

 

[Alex P Keaton]

Stole this one from TikTok. They have videos on there where people wrap up regular gifts to look like something completely different. They get pretty outrageous (looks like an actual kayak w/ paddle but is actually just a t-shirt, an iWatch wrapped up to look like a 6ft extension ladder with each rung individually wrapped, etc). Daughter's showed it to me and we decided we're each going to wrap one of my wifes gifts this way. It will be hilarious because she'll have no idea what's going on. Daughter #1 wrapped up a tube of chapstick to look like a bottle of wine. Daughter #2 wrapped up some socks in a box that looks like a house. I wrapped up a shirt to look like a fishing rod (which she'll totally believe because Ive actually made the mistake of giving her a fishing rod as a gift in the past  )

Ours aren't nearly as good as TikTok 

Love it.  My MIL used to do this.  Always thought it was amazing.

 

[Zegras11]

You should get her a roll of wrapping paper for Christmas as an additional gift.  Of course, wrap it with wrapping paper.

In a huge, long box.

 

[The General]

Whenever the word “playoffs” is said, in any setting, no matter who says it I always repeat loudly like Jim Mora. I will tone it down, a little, if we are around a bunch of people at say a wedding or something. 

The other day I heard my wife loudly (who knows next to nothing about sports) in the other room on a Zoom presentation with a large group of coworkers say “playoffs! playoffs?” in perfect Jim Mora pitch. 

 

[RG623]

Whenever the word “playoffs” is said, in any setting, no matter who says it I always repeat loudly like Jim Mora. I will tone it down, a little, if we are around a bunch of people at say a wedding or something. 

The other day I heard my wife loudly (who knows next to nothing about sports) in the other room on a Zoom presentation with a large group of coworkers say “playoffs! playoffs?” in perfect Jim Mora pitch. 

I do an Iverson performance whenever someone says “practice”

 

[UOFI_316]

In a huge, long box.

That is wrapped inside of another longer box with a different wrapping paper...  I would go through at least 3 or 4 different kinds, and the good shiny/foil kind.  OR better yet, the only thing inside the inner box is just the empty cardboard rolls.  Tell her, her gift is all the wrapping paper and she needs to roll it all back up.

 

[gianmarco]

That is wrapped inside of another longer box with a different wrapping paper...  I would go through at least 3 or 4 different kinds, and the good shiny/foil kind.  OR better yet, the only thing inside the inner box is just the empty cardboard rolls.  Tell her, her gift is all the wrapping paper and she needs to roll it all back up.

And then this needs to be a yearly tradition.  That'll teach her.

 

[Spike]

We go grocery shopping at 7 am almost every Saturday. Clearly the cashiers and baggers are not morning people so I like to bring the energy to checkout and ask them how their morning’s going and be real upbeat and ask several times. Usually it falls flat, but I keep on going. Mrs. O thinks I’m crazy, but it’s stupid fun. 

Are your eggs ever NOT broken at the bottom of a bag?

 

[brun]

I try to be pretty polite most of the time. In reality, I don't like most people and don't care about their feelings. I'm just trying to get through the day with a minimum of stress.

 

[Osaurus]

Are your eggs ever NOT broken at the bottom of a bag?

All good this morning 

 

[mr. furley]

haven't used this one myself but saw it posted elsewhere

when out to eat and the waiter/waitress introduces themselves "hi, i'm furley, i'll be your server tonight" you reply by introducing yourself and everyone at the table.

 

[Jaysus]

haven't used this one myself but saw it posted elsewhere

when out to eat and the waiter/waitress introduces themselves "hi, i'm furley, i'll be your server tonight" you reply by introducing yourself and everyone at the table.

thumbs up emoji

 

[facook]

Order your soda, iced tea, water, or any other soft drink "On the rocks."  Usually gets a small double-take from the server and a chuckle from everyone but my wife and son.

 

[ProstheticRGK]

There is some outstanding work being done in this thread on imgur

 

[Zegras11]

Order your soda, iced tea, water, or any other soft drink "On the rocks."  Usually gets a small double-take from the server and a chuckle from everyone but my wife and son.

I always asked the server to make my kids drinks "tall" when we ordered.

Son:  "I'll have an apple juice."
Me: "Make that a tall."

 

[facook]

I always asked the server to make my kids drinks "tall" when we ordered.

Son:  "I'll have an apple juice."
Me: "Make that a tall."

Server at a local Mexican joint, been there for years, has amazing schtick:

As he walks by and sets your drink down and walks away (always a refill or one person getting a drink so it's always a drive-by), in his thickest Spanish accent, he'll say the wrong drink.

*sets down my iced tea*  "MOUNTaaaain DEEEWWWW...."

Still gets me sometimes, years later.

 

[JaxBill]

Going to try to use the term "cloudy oil" in conversation with my wife  tonight. 

 

[mr. furley]

There is some outstanding work being done in this thread on imgur

this getting in and out of bed by climbing over your partner thing is something i do periodically

my wife LOVES it

 

[ProstheticRGK]

this getting in and out of bed by climbing over your partner thing is something i do periodically

my wife LOVES it

My all-time favorite in there, which I am jealous I never had the opportunity to use:

Every time driving past a bicycle shop, with a sign reading: 'Rubber Innertubes', saying "Don't mind if I do!"

 

[Harry Frogfish]

I will call something or someone by the wrong name.  Then when corrected, simply say that's what I said.

I'm at an age now where most of them can't correct me, at least not a second time, it's wonderful.

It first started happening by accident.  Now I do it on purpose sometimes.  Highly recommend.

 

[belljr]

I will call something or someone by the wrong name.  Then when corrected, simply say that's what I said.

I'm at an age now where most of them can't correct me, at least not a second time, it's wonderful.

It first started happening by accident.  Now I do it on purpose sometimes.  Highly recommend.

Been doing this for years

 

[Don't Toews Me]

Order your soda, iced tea, water, or any other soft drink "On the rocks."  Usually gets a small double-take from the server and a chuckle from everyone but my wife and son.

"Diet Dr. Pepper please. Shaken, not stirred." 

 

[facook]

I will call something or someone by the wrong name.  Then when corrected, simply say that's what I said.

I'm at an age now where most of them can't correct me, at least not a second time, it's wonderful.

It first started happening by accident.  Now I do it on purpose sometimes.  Highly recommend.

Been doing this for years

Same.  Posted it somewhere back in the anals of this thread.

 

[Bluesbomber]

When someone dumps a pallet of product, drops a beverage or plate of something or any number of noisy miscues I extoll with the proper vigor for the situation...Yahtzee !!! Ussually gets a chuckle and lightens up the situation. Amuses me anyway lol.

edit for typo

 

[Don't Toews Me]

Here's one: 

My neighbor has an above ground pool with a deck. Older guy, maybe early 60s. Sometimes he just sits on a chair on the pool deck and doesn't go in the pool. 

My work room is upstairs in my house with a window to my backyard. Now, one of my useless skills in life is I'm able to make a sound pretty close to the sound that a peacock makes when it does it's call. 

So on a weekly/bi-weekly (gotta switch it up to keep him guessing) basis during work, I mute my zoom, gently open the window ever so slightly, and whenever he's sitting on his pool deck, I make the sound. And every time, I see him moving his head back and forth trying to listen to my bird noise. 

This has been going on for months. After a few times, I was outside doing yard work and I saw him. Started talking to him. And as we were departing, I go "By the way, have you heard this really weird bird sound lately? I can't quite make it myself, but it's the weirdest damn thing. I'm upstairs doing work and I hear it like every week. Sometimes I wonder if it's a dying bird, but I keep hearing it." 

He goes, "Yes I have heard it, but I can't ever find where it is. Very odd sound. I almost want to contact some local bird experts because I'm genuinely curious."

 

[Harry Frogfish]

I haven't read the thread but that last one is fantastic.  Keep it up, please!   

BTW, are there peacocks in your vicinity?  Because there are certainly neighborhoods in the state where they roam free.  They can be quite the nuisance actually.  Loud and they #### everywhere.

 

[facook]

Here's one: 

My neighbor has an above ground pool with a deck. Older guy, maybe early 60s. Sometimes he just sits on a chair on the pool deck and doesn't go in the pool. 

My work room is upstairs in my house with a window to my backyard. Now, one of my useless skills in life is I'm able to make a sound pretty close to the sound that a peacock makes when it does it's call. 

So on a weekly/bi-weekly (gotta switch it up to keep him guessing) basis during work, I mute my zoom, gently open the window ever so slightly, and whenever he's sitting on his pool deck, I make the sound. And every time, I see him moving his head back and forth trying to listen to my bird noise. 

This has been going on for months. After a few times, I was outside doing yard work and I saw him. Started talking to him. And as we were departing, I go "By the way, have you heard this really weird bird sound lately? I can't quite make it myself, but it's the weirdest damn thing. I'm upstairs doing work and I hear it like every week. Sometimes I wonder if it's a dying bird, but I keep hearing it." 

He goes, "Yes I have heard it, but I can't ever find where it is. Very odd sound. I almost want to contact some local bird experts because I'm genuinely curious."

Shark move would be to make it as you walk away from him, stop, look around, look back at him, look around, shrug, and keep walking.

 

[ChiefD]

Here's one: 

My neighbor has an above ground pool with a deck. Older guy, maybe early 60s. Sometimes he just sits on a chair on the pool deck and doesn't go in the pool. 

My work room is upstairs in my house with a window to my backyard. Now, one of my useless skills in life is I'm able to make a sound pretty close to the sound that a peacock makes when it does it's call. 

So on a weekly/bi-weekly (gotta switch it up to keep him guessing) basis during work, I mute my zoom, gently open the window ever so slightly, and whenever he's sitting on his pool deck, I make the sound. And every time, I see him moving his head back and forth trying to listen to my bird noise. 

This has been going on for months. After a few times, I was outside doing yard work and I saw him. Started talking to him. And as we were departing, I go "By the way, have you heard this really weird bird sound lately? I can't quite make it myself, but it's the weirdest damn thing. I'm upstairs doing work and I hear it like every week. Sometimes I wonder if it's a dying bird, but I keep hearing it." 

He goes, "Yes I have heard it, but I can't ever find where it is. Very odd sound. I almost want to contact some local bird experts because I'm genuinely curious."

This is outstanding.

You need to keep us updated on this one.

 

[gianmarco]

Here's one: 

My neighbor has an above ground pool with a deck. Older guy, maybe early 60s. Sometimes he just sits on a chair on the pool deck and doesn't go in the pool. 

My work room is upstairs in my house with a window to my backyard. Now, one of my useless skills in life is I'm able to make a sound pretty close to the sound that a peacock makes when it does it's call. 

So on a weekly/bi-weekly (gotta switch it up to keep him guessing) basis during work, I mute my zoom, gently open the window ever so slightly, and whenever he's sitting on his pool deck, I make the sound. And every time, I see him moving his head back and forth trying to listen to my bird noise. 

This has been going on for months. After a few times, I was outside doing yard work and I saw him. Started talking to him. And as we were departing, I go "By the way, have you heard this really weird bird sound lately? I can't quite make it myself, but it's the weirdest damn thing. I'm upstairs doing work and I hear it like every week. Sometimes I wonder if it's a dying bird, but I keep hearing it." 

He goes, "Yes I have heard it, but I can't ever find where it is. Very odd sound. I almost want to contact some local bird experts because I'm genuinely curious."

Please record this next time. Would be so easy to do for us.

 

[ChiefD]

I’ve started pretending not to hear when my wife is talking. I figure at some point I will be hard of hearing in my old age, but figure I may as well get some additional benefits now.

 

[facook]

We have a/c's and fans blowing all through our house this VERY HOT week.  My wife will look at me intently as I say something to her, sometimes an entire story.  Then she will tilt her head toward me and say, "What's that?"