Otis
Footballguy
Welcome back, friends. It's 2011 and there's football in the air, and the guppies are nervously gripping their cheat sheets. It's once again time for the hawks to do some fine dining from above. In case you don't recall our format, here's the summary from last year's thread:
QB
Sam Bradford
Sam Bradford is a terrorizing robot built in the future and sent back in time to absolutely dominate professional football. We featured him last year, and it was no surprise to anyone up in The Nest when he pulled out the Offensive ROY award. In a couple years he'll be what Peyton Manning has been to the QB position for so many years. You'll just expect him to be drafted in the top 3 or so spots and you'll feel like you can't remember a time when it wasn't like that. Sam Bradford becomes a part of you forever.
Most folks out there rank him somewhere in the teens for this season. That's a nice try, but not quite right, because he'll finish a top-10 QB this year. You don't take a super talent like this, pair him up with Josh McDaniels, and not get magic. It's like the giant killer football robot from the future is taking direction from Stephen Hawking, and I don't care that he doesn't have tons of great passing targets, because Sam Bradford could throw for 300 and 3 to a field of Mr. Potato Head, a cocker spaniel, and a bag of beef jerky.
Come week 8 the guppies will all be sucking up to the Bradford owners and making all sorts of ludicrous trade offers in their zealots hyper super IXXIM leagues, and the Bradford owners will be on cruise control to the fantasy playoffs.
Go ahead and try. Try prying Sam Bradford from my cold, dead hands.
RB
Montario Hardesty
Remember when Willis McGahee came into the league and everyone was all "oh man he's so injured and toast, I ain't touching him," and then the guy actually ended up being really good? And then the same sort of thing happened with this guy Frank Gore and he ended up being one of the best running backs in football, period? Well sweet bejeezus, here we are again. It's like Zeus himself reached down from the sky and poured sweet godly nectar right into my beak. It's that easy. If I've learned anything through all my years of shark killing, it's that the super talent shines through eventually. Hardesty is a ridiculously naturally gifted running back. It's like a bunch of geneticists sat around in a lab 20 years ago and pieced together the perfect running back from scratch, and out popped baby Montario.
"But Otis, that big Hillis guy is so good."
It's 2011 now, gang. Not 2010. Stop living in the past. And in 2011, things are different, and Hardesty is the starting running back for the Browns by week 5, and he puts up gaudy numbers for the rest of the year, and then in 2012 we're all sitting around this time of year talking about how he's a top 5 pick in 2012 drafts.
Cedric Benson
I love it when a guy is all but guaranteed 300 carries and his ADP slips into the 50s. Warren Buffet had a saying that went along the lines of "the way I become rich was when I found money lying around, I picked it up." Cedric Benson is a big fat 50-spot sitting in your driveway, and you're on your way into the house, and all you need to do is reach down and pick him up.
"But Coach, he's got legal troubles!!?" Listen, I LOVE Cedric Benson's legal troubles. We're not buddies. He's not my pal. And the fact that he's got these issues has got people scampering away from him, and that's why the hawks are scooping him up nearly for free. You don't win your fantasy league in weeks 1 and 2, gang. But you do over the course of the rest of the season.
WR
Desean Jackson
This is mini-value, but still, if I knew I could pick the best wide receiver in fantasy in the slot where the 8th wide receiver gets drafted, I'd do that. And you can do that too. Because Michael Vick is going to go bananas this year. When you see him you'll have that Chariots of Fire theme playing over and over in your mind and everything will launch into slow motion and your dead grandmother will be sitting in a meadow with a big smile eating grapes on a cool breezy day. And there's Vick firing missiles all over the field, and most of them are aimed dead at Desean's hands, and when we see highlight after highlight of 70-yard TD catches, we'll all be sitting around sipping bourbon and contemplating how awesome we are for drafting Desean Jackson. This is easy math, folks. You don't need a degree in fantasytology or a mod account to see the writing on the wall. Trade down, let your shark buddy have Andre Johnson, and profit to the tune of 1300+ yards, double-digit touchdowns, and good clean I toldya so fun.
Greg Little
We're not usually keen on rookie WRs, but Greg Little has us licking our chops. I don't care how good or bad you think Colt McCoy is, his name is Colt, and he's still probably a lot better than you think he is. Little steps into a situation where he'll take the WR1 slot right off the bat, and he'll do what Anquan Boldin did some years ago when there were just a bunch of nobodies at QB and WR in Arizona and all of the sudden this guy catches 217 yards in his first game and the fantasy nerds are all going bananas and the fellas over at The Huddle are beside themselves trying to determine his fair value. Luckily we have the clear views from up here in the sky, and we're cruising, and we're looking down, and we're seeing things before they're even happening, and we're all thinking "man, I'd sure like to take that guy since he's the closest thing we've seen to Anquan Boldin since Anquan Boldin." And so that's what we do. So when it's getting late in the draft and the sharks in the room are all laughing because you haven't filled up your WR slots yet, and then you take Greg Little, and they think they're clever when they crack "too little, too late," you can just kick back and smile, and in your head you'll already be writing out the eat crow e-mail to the league. Suck it, swimmers!
TE
Lance Kendricks
One of the guys on Voltron, I think the one driving the blue cat, was named Lance. Lance Armstrong overcame all sorts of adversity to be the awesomest bicycle rider around. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Lance Kendricks is, like all of these guys, pretty much totally awesome.
Last year Sam Bradford loved throwing to Hoomanommaummagumma, because the best WR on the team was injured. That sort of thing will happen again this year, except Sam Bradford will throw laser, terminator-guided leather balls with silky smooth delivery into the end zone, and Kendricks will be on the receiving end. He'll do lots of damage in the red zone and quickly become Dallas Clark to Sam's Peyton. Let the sharks fight over Finley and the rest. Draft the more important players early in your draft, plug Kendricks into the TE slot at the end, and then call and make reservations to take your girlfriend out to a fancy dinner with your league prize money.
K
Nick Folk (though it doesn't matter)
We told you last year that real hawks don't care about kickers. It's not worth the energy to investigate, because it doesn't matter, and if you want to gamble, just drive down to Atlantic City and plunk yourself down at the blackjack table. But if you want sort of a surprise, try Nick Folk. The Jets are going to move the ball fairly effectively between the 20s, but they'll be stalling out lots before the red zone, and Nick Folk will just be banging in field goals all day long. You'll be outside doing yard work and peeking in the window and, sonofagun, would you look at that, there's Nick Folk doing his thing again. He's just kicking and kicking and you are sitting there swearing that you're watching the Rockettes, except there's just one, and it's a man dressed in green.
That's it for this year. Good luck to the sharks, and see you in the skies, my fine feathered friends who've no use for luck.
-Coach
Note: stay tuned below for breaking HawkAlerts through the rest of the pre-season and all season long...
Coach has had the interns hard at work here all summer crunching the numbers, and this year's crop is even better than the last. Let's sharpen the claws and have at it...
QB
Sam Bradford
Sam Bradford is a terrorizing robot built in the future and sent back in time to absolutely dominate professional football. We featured him last year, and it was no surprise to anyone up in The Nest when he pulled out the Offensive ROY award. In a couple years he'll be what Peyton Manning has been to the QB position for so many years. You'll just expect him to be drafted in the top 3 or so spots and you'll feel like you can't remember a time when it wasn't like that. Sam Bradford becomes a part of you forever.
Most folks out there rank him somewhere in the teens for this season. That's a nice try, but not quite right, because he'll finish a top-10 QB this year. You don't take a super talent like this, pair him up with Josh McDaniels, and not get magic. It's like the giant killer football robot from the future is taking direction from Stephen Hawking, and I don't care that he doesn't have tons of great passing targets, because Sam Bradford could throw for 300 and 3 to a field of Mr. Potato Head, a cocker spaniel, and a bag of beef jerky.
Come week 8 the guppies will all be sucking up to the Bradford owners and making all sorts of ludicrous trade offers in their zealots hyper super IXXIM leagues, and the Bradford owners will be on cruise control to the fantasy playoffs.
Go ahead and try. Try prying Sam Bradford from my cold, dead hands.
RB
Montario Hardesty
Remember when Willis McGahee came into the league and everyone was all "oh man he's so injured and toast, I ain't touching him," and then the guy actually ended up being really good? And then the same sort of thing happened with this guy Frank Gore and he ended up being one of the best running backs in football, period? Well sweet bejeezus, here we are again. It's like Zeus himself reached down from the sky and poured sweet godly nectar right into my beak. It's that easy. If I've learned anything through all my years of shark killing, it's that the super talent shines through eventually. Hardesty is a ridiculously naturally gifted running back. It's like a bunch of geneticists sat around in a lab 20 years ago and pieced together the perfect running back from scratch, and out popped baby Montario.
"But Otis, that big Hillis guy is so good."
It's 2011 now, gang. Not 2010. Stop living in the past. And in 2011, things are different, and Hardesty is the starting running back for the Browns by week 5, and he puts up gaudy numbers for the rest of the year, and then in 2012 we're all sitting around this time of year talking about how he's a top 5 pick in 2012 drafts.Cedric Benson
I love it when a guy is all but guaranteed 300 carries and his ADP slips into the 50s. Warren Buffet had a saying that went along the lines of "the way I become rich was when I found money lying around, I picked it up." Cedric Benson is a big fat 50-spot sitting in your driveway, and you're on your way into the house, and all you need to do is reach down and pick him up.
"But Coach, he's got legal troubles!!?" Listen, I LOVE Cedric Benson's legal troubles. We're not buddies. He's not my pal. And the fact that he's got these issues has got people scampering away from him, and that's why the hawks are scooping him up nearly for free. You don't win your fantasy league in weeks 1 and 2, gang. But you do over the course of the rest of the season.
WR
Desean Jackson
This is mini-value, but still, if I knew I could pick the best wide receiver in fantasy in the slot where the 8th wide receiver gets drafted, I'd do that. And you can do that too. Because Michael Vick is going to go bananas this year. When you see him you'll have that Chariots of Fire theme playing over and over in your mind and everything will launch into slow motion and your dead grandmother will be sitting in a meadow with a big smile eating grapes on a cool breezy day. And there's Vick firing missiles all over the field, and most of them are aimed dead at Desean's hands, and when we see highlight after highlight of 70-yard TD catches, we'll all be sitting around sipping bourbon and contemplating how awesome we are for drafting Desean Jackson. This is easy math, folks. You don't need a degree in fantasytology or a mod account to see the writing on the wall. Trade down, let your shark buddy have Andre Johnson, and profit to the tune of 1300+ yards, double-digit touchdowns, and good clean I toldya so fun.
Greg Little
We're not usually keen on rookie WRs, but Greg Little has us licking our chops. I don't care how good or bad you think Colt McCoy is, his name is Colt, and he's still probably a lot better than you think he is. Little steps into a situation where he'll take the WR1 slot right off the bat, and he'll do what Anquan Boldin did some years ago when there were just a bunch of nobodies at QB and WR in Arizona and all of the sudden this guy catches 217 yards in his first game and the fantasy nerds are all going bananas and the fellas over at The Huddle are beside themselves trying to determine his fair value. Luckily we have the clear views from up here in the sky, and we're cruising, and we're looking down, and we're seeing things before they're even happening, and we're all thinking "man, I'd sure like to take that guy since he's the closest thing we've seen to Anquan Boldin since Anquan Boldin." And so that's what we do. So when it's getting late in the draft and the sharks in the room are all laughing because you haven't filled up your WR slots yet, and then you take Greg Little, and they think they're clever when they crack "too little, too late," you can just kick back and smile, and in your head you'll already be writing out the eat crow e-mail to the league. Suck it, swimmers!
TE
Lance Kendricks
One of the guys on Voltron, I think the one driving the blue cat, was named Lance. Lance Armstrong overcame all sorts of adversity to be the awesomest bicycle rider around. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Lance Kendricks is, like all of these guys, pretty much totally awesome.
Last year Sam Bradford loved throwing to Hoomanommaummagumma, because the best WR on the team was injured. That sort of thing will happen again this year, except Sam Bradford will throw laser, terminator-guided leather balls with silky smooth delivery into the end zone, and Kendricks will be on the receiving end. He'll do lots of damage in the red zone and quickly become Dallas Clark to Sam's Peyton. Let the sharks fight over Finley and the rest. Draft the more important players early in your draft, plug Kendricks into the TE slot at the end, and then call and make reservations to take your girlfriend out to a fancy dinner with your league prize money.
K
Nick Folk (though it doesn't matter)
We told you last year that real hawks don't care about kickers. It's not worth the energy to investigate, because it doesn't matter, and if you want to gamble, just drive down to Atlantic City and plunk yourself down at the blackjack table. But if you want sort of a surprise, try Nick Folk. The Jets are going to move the ball fairly effectively between the 20s, but they'll be stalling out lots before the red zone, and Nick Folk will just be banging in field goals all day long. You'll be outside doing yard work and peeking in the window and, sonofagun, would you look at that, there's Nick Folk doing his thing again. He's just kicking and kicking and you are sitting there swearing that you're watching the Rockettes, except there's just one, and it's a man dressed in green.
That's it for this year. Good luck to the sharks, and see you in the skies, my fine feathered friends who've no use for luck.
-Coach
Note: stay tuned below for breaking HawkAlerts through the rest of the pre-season and all season long...
Last edited by a moderator:
Thanks, Coach.
