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59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30 (1 Viewer)

wadegarrett

FFA Legend™
59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30

from Esquire Magazine

Link

1. Coin his own nickname.

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.

4. Hacky sack.

5. Name his penis his name plus junior.

6. Hang art with tape.

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.

8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ###?"

10. Skip.

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.

12. Let his father do his taxes.

13. Tap on the glass.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

15. Use the word collated on his resume.

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.

19. Give shout-outs.

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.

21. Hug amusement-park characters.

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."

25. Request extra sprinkles.

26. Air drum.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

39. Whine.

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."

41. Purchase fireworks.

42. Google the word ######.

43. Ride a pony.

44. Sport an ironic mustache.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.

46. Organize a party bus.

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.

49. Keg stands.

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.

54. Read The Fountainhead.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

57. Own a vanity plate.

58. Whippits.

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

FFA ADDITIONS

60. Esquire is for posers. (smoo)

61. Take any sort of life advice from a long irrelevant magazine skating by on reputation alone. (NY/NJMUFFDIVER)

62. Scrape a bowl. (Koya)

63. Feel the need to conform to societal pressures aka "be a poser" :hophead: (smoo)

64. Care about whether other people think you're too old for certain behaviours. (smoo)

65. Paint your face before attending an athletic competiton. (cosjobs)

66. Sit "in the middle" whether the front or back seat of a car. (cosjobs)

67. Start a Myspace page. (proninja)

68. Bring a baseball mitt to a MLB game. (wadegarrett)

69. Wear a baseballl cap with the brim pointed in any direction other than over your eyes. (Wild Young Billy)

70. Drink cheap liquor or well drinks. (proninja/FairWarning/wadegarrett)

71. Wear a jersey that doesn't have YOUR NAME on it. Unless it says NIPSEY. (Doctor Detroit)

72. Wearing your high school letterman jacket. (FairWarning)

73. Driving into a parking lot with your music blasting and all your windows down. (proninja)

74. Using the phrases "face" or "burn". (TannerBoyle)

75. Wear a college/high school ring. (Capella)

76. Play frisbee Golf. (Cunning Linguist)

77. Flipping your collar up. (shuke)

 
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Rayderr

Footballguy
24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."

Link
So comparing one's life with a character from "The Piano Man" is still acceptable?
 

Jules Winnfield

Footballguy
#27 is the one on this list I agree with the most

Anytime I see this on a softball team, it's always the fattest tub-o-goo who hasn't been laid since the Reagan years. And they always think that they are so original and funny when they wear their uniform.

 

wadegarrett

FFA Legend™
27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
Why don't we just eliminate the wearing of a sports jersey all together unless you are actually participating in a sport?
Coming out of a Browns preseason game several years back, a guy walking in front of me had a No. 69 jersey with the name "KENSOUTOFCONTROL" on the back. My bro and I still laugh about it to this day.
 
Was doing so well then 32, 41, 52, and 58 came along. In fairness I never put less than $10 in the tank if it would hold more, but sometimes it's nice to top off before starting a trip.

 

[icon]

Insoxicated
#27 is the one on this list I agree with the most

Anytime I see this on a softball team, it's always the fattest tub-o-goo who hasn't been laid since the Reagan years. And they always think that they are so original and funny when they wear their uniform.
:goodposting:
 

drpill

Footballguy
I turn thirty in a couple of weeks and I don't think I have done any of this stuff in quite some time, if ever. Guess I am ahead of the curve on the descent into old age...

 

shuke

Black Ice Skeptic
9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ###?"26. Air drum.37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."41. Purchase fireworks.42. Google the word ######.46. Organize a party bus.49. Keg stands.51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.
:bag:
 

mr. furley

Footballguy
27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
Why don't we just eliminate the wearing of a sports jersey all together unless you are actually participating in a sport?
Coming out of a Browns preseason game several years back, a guy walking in front of me had a No. 69 jersey with the name "KENSOUTOFCONTROL" on the back. My bro and I still laugh about it to this day.
there's a 40ish guy in my section at Lambeau who wears a "Michael Hunt" jersey. VERY clever, guy.

 

Sweeper

Footballguy
27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
Why don't we just eliminate the wearing of a sports jersey all together unless you are actually participating in a sport?
I know a guy. I would call hima friend, but am a little embarrased to .... who considers dressing up as wearing his NEW Patriot's Jersey over a new turtle neck. And yes .... were finally were able to convince him to get rid of the mullett. (last year)

He was 38 years old :bag:

 
I gave up home brewing long ago, but some day I hope to do some home distilling. I can't wait for retirement. I intend to sit on my porch in the mountains, to sip my own hooch and to ingest items produced in my own garden while playing old albums far too loudly.

 

snogger

Footballguy
Take a camera to a nude beach. :rolleyes: If not I who?? ;)

Wake up to a "morning zoo." :bag: What means this? :unsure:

Eat Oreo cookies in stages. kiss my white a_ _ :hot:

Purchase fireworks. WTF??? How else am I going to blow up my Oreo's, to eat them in stages, while I'm taking pictures at a Nude Beach :confused:

 

Oscar

Footballguy
No shame in home brewing or in arranging a party bus, particularly if the party bus is rolling to vegas.
32 and just arranged a party bus to a wine tour. Oh well, almost made it through the entire list.
 

BigRed

Footballguy
41 is wrong.  The other 58 I agree with.
If you adjust this to 'things a single guy with no kids should never do'...then I'd agree with more of them.
Exactly. My son and I will one day take a drive down to Virginia/North Carolina.
Pennsylvania.
:confused: Unless they've really changed in the last few years, PA doesn't sell anything more dangerous than sparklers. VA is better but also more or less sucks.I don't think I've ever done anything other than 41 and 26.

 

tarheel1unc

Footballguy
27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
Why don't we just eliminate the wearing of a sports jersey all together unless you are actually participating in a sport?
tucked?
I wear jerseys all the time. I don't care what anyone else says, I like 'em.
I'm guilty of quite a few of these. :bag: I'm also old enough that I will wear my Panther #69 Gross jersey, anytime, anywhere and people can line up and kiss my ###!
 

saintsfan

Footballguy
I would add to that list, wearing a baseball cap any other way than the traditional way.

Also, wearing pants that are 5 sizes too big so your underwear shows.

 

Rayderr

Footballguy
41 is wrong. The other 58 I agree with.
If you adjust this to 'things a single guy with no kids should never do'...then I'd agree with more of them.
Exactly. My son and I will one day take a drive down to Virginia/North Carolina.
Pennsylvania.
:confused: Unless they've really changed in the last few years, PA doesn't sell anything more dangerous than sparklers. VA is better but also more or less sucks.I don't think I've ever done anything other than 41 and 26.
There's a few places (Phantom comes top mind) that are along the PA/MD PA/WV borders that sell more hardcore stuff. You have to show that you are not a PA resident to buy from them tho.
 

Doug B

Footballguy
Wake up to a "morning zoo." :bag: What means this? :unsure:
Not what I'd call a household expression ... in context, "morning zoo" seems to refer to waking up with all kinds of strangers passed out all over your furniture, living room floor, etc. Maybe some hung-over early birds pacing around catatonically, or raiding your fridge.
 

wadegarrett

FFA Legend™
41 is wrong.  The other 58 I agree with.
If you adjust this to 'things a single guy with no kids should never do'...then I'd agree with more of them.
Exactly. My son and I will one day take a drive down to Virginia/North Carolina.
Pennsylvania.
:confused: Unless they've really changed in the last few years, PA doesn't sell anything more dangerous than sparklers. VA is better but also more or less sucks.I don't think I've ever done anything other than 41 and 26.
There's a few places (Phantom comes top mind) that are along the PA/MD PA/WV borders that sell more hardcore stuff. You have to show that you are not a PA resident to buy from them tho.
Phantom is in Ohio also.
 

snogger

Footballguy
Wake up to a "morning zoo." :bag: What means this? :unsure:
Not what I'd call a household expression ... in context, "morning zoo" seems to refer to waking up with all kinds of strangers passed out all over your furniture, living room floor, etc. Maybe some hung-over early birds pacing around catatonically, or raiding your fridge.
:thumbup: Thanks.. :kicksrock: I miss those mornings wondering who all those people were and why they were passed out on my floor.

 
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Rayderr

Footballguy
Wake up to a "morning zoo." :bag: What means this? :unsure:
Not what I'd call a household expression ... in context, "morning zoo" seems to refer to waking up with all kinds of strangers passed out all over your furniture, living room floor, etc. Maybe some hung-over early birds pacing around catatonically, or raiding your fridge.
I thought this was in reference to waking up listening to one of radio shows with a couple shock jocks. For the longest time, every market had at least one station that had a morning show called "the morning zoo"
 

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