So I've just had an interesting run of things with alcohol this year and I'm curious to know if I do have some kind of psychological issue with it.
Over the past couple years I had developed a covert system of drinking. Fireball in coffee in the morning, beers at lunch, keeping beer in the garage in a cooler so I can drink out there when I'm doing yardwork, etc. I definitely used alcohol to self medicate from depression for a couple of years and some of those habits have hung around, but the depression is no more (thank you, Jesus).
I do this because my wife has an issue with alcohol of any sort at any time because her mom was a puritan (not literally, but a Baptist) and she got hit by a drunk driver about 12 years ago and she has a friend whose husband is an alcoholic. She basically has an internal conniption fit every time she sees me with a beer or smells it on my breath. We've talked about it, even looked at the Bible, but she is an illogical and emotional creature and can't psychologically get over it. She's never been drunk once in her life and hasn't had a sip of alcohol in 20 years. As a result I'm not comfortable drinking at home (plus the puritan mom lives with us). When I'm alone for the evening or on a trip with some guys for college football (I referee) I also have a tendency to binge drink at those times because "FREEDOM!!1".
I think this has caused me to have more of an issue with alcohol than I would if things were more "normal". All of the hiding it has made it more of a secretive, clandestine and forbidden habit. My wife knows I drink on occasion, but she is fairly ignorant to the when and frequency.
So back in mid June my wife talks me into doing a program called 75 Hard. Among the stipulations (including workouts, eating, etc.) is NO alcohol at all. I've gone long periods without before, so this isn't a problem. Basically I went from June 12th through September 13th without a drop of alcohol of any kind. I lost weight, got in the best shape of my post-20's life and didn't really "miss" alcohol too often (outside of a couple of nights out with the guys...those were tough).
So now here I am, back off the wagon so to speak and I'm basically going overboard right out the gate. Drank a 6-pack of tall boys in 3 days and am currently sipping on a coffee with Fireball for my morning in the office with a 6-pack in a cooler in my trunk chilling for after my game tonight. It feels like now that I can, I'm going all in on drinking again and I'm a bit concerned I have some kind of odd problem. Also, I tried to have a beer during my nighttime routine last night and my wife had to tell me "it scared her" despite the fact I hadn't had a drop in over 3 months. It pissed me off and I poured the rest of my beer down the sink while crushing the can in anger and stormed out of the room. I'm quite sick of the judgement there. However, if she really knew how much I had been drinking, she would be justifiably worried...so I'm really not too mad at her and things were fine between us this morning.
I don't know. I don't feel some need to completely quit, but day drinking and hiding it from my wife feels like I have a problem. The fact that I could go 3 months without anything makes me think it isn't out of control and I'm never reckless or driving drunk, never blacked out and haven't puked in years with very few hangovers over that time. I really just like 2-3 beers in the evening, but don't really have that option on a regular basis apparently unless I want to fight with my wife.
I don't know what the point of all of this is other than to just share my thoughts/feelings in here.
TIA, will answer yours. gl peas