Anyone ever do an Intervention? (1 Viewer)

[glvsav37]

Short story is a family member (parent) has gone off the deep end. It's mental based—I assume Bipolar but I'm not a doctor—not drug related. 

It's been a long time coming, and the mental issues have been there for a long time and we have just been tolerating it. But since the pandemic it has gotten 1000% worse and is not healthy for the family round this person anymore. You can barely talk to this person anymore without them taking little things and making huge issues over it or jumping down your throat for something you didn't even realize you did/didn't do. (I can go into detail but I'm trying to keep this not too discript)

They refuse to get help, and its the same line "I'm not the problem, all of you are the problem" every time.   

Person is older, just them and the spouse in the house now, all the children are grown with families of their own. They are very isolated and have very few friends mainly because they have all given up on this person because they are too much work to be around—they are demanding, always questioning people's intentions and openly complaining about people right in front of them. Not being able to see the very few friends and family they had left the last 4 months has made things a lot worse. I don't believe its dementia or anything like that because it's been brewing for years.

My thoughts are 3 scenarios:

1. Just give in and placate them until they eventually die. 
2. Pull the plug and just end the relationship
3. Stage an intervention 

I figure we would need to try the intervention before just cutting them out. At least it would be our way of saying "hey we tried." I also thing we need to have an impartial mediator there to keep control of the discussion. This person is a master manipulator and can twist anything to their side. There has also been hints at "ending it all" and "I just dont want to wake up some days" from this person. IMO I think those are just more cries for attention and sympathy, but you never know. 

Has anyone done interventions for this type of thing? I don't even know where to start? Any other advice, I'm really at my breaking point with this person as well as most of the family. 

 

 

[Joe Summer]

Interventions are rarely effective on the mentally ill, especially when they are presented in the form of a confrontation. An intervention will only work if a person is capable of looking inward and assessing their behavior, and mentally ill people are, quite often, simply not capable of that type of self-analysis.

Your best bet, IMO, is to re-train yourself. Learn coping strategies. Learn not to engage. You need to treat this person like an internet troll; ignore, disengage, change the subject, etc.

One strategy you can try is to set boundaries and then calmly leave the house whenever the person crosses the line. e.g., "Mom, we let you know that the topic of our daughter's weight was off limits. We are leaving now." And then you leave. You don't give them a chance to plead their case, you don't engage with them anymore, you just leave. Don't give them the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you.

You set the boundary, you let them know what happens when they cross it, and then you follow through. Simply and calmly. It may or may not lead to a change in their behavior, but in the very least you will feel better.

 

[DallasDMac]

That was very well stated Joe. Sounds like you've had to deal with this in your persona life.

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

There has also been hints at "ending it all" and "I just dont want to wake up some days" from this person. IMO I think those are just more cries for attention and sympathy, but you never know. 

Suicidal ideation is rarely just a cry for attention.  I'd take that one seriously.

Good luck.

 

[⚡DEADHEAD⚡]

Well wishes.

 

[Deranged Hermit]

I've been at an intervention for a drug adddict,  but this sounds like a whole different animal. 

I wish you more luck than we had with the drug adddict. 

 

[belljr]

Interventions are rarely effective on the mentally ill, especially when they are presented in the form of a confrontation. An intervention will only work if a person is capable of looking inward and assessing their behavior, and mentally ill people are, quite often, simply not capable of that type of self-analysis.

Your best bet, IMO, is to re-train yourself. Learn coping strategies. Learn not to engage. You need to treat this person like an internet troll; ignore, disengage, change the subject, etc.

One strategy you can try is to set boundaries and then calmly leave the house whenever the person crosses the line. e.g., "Mom, we let you know that the topic of our daughter's weight was off limits. We are leaving now." And then you leave. You don't give them a chance to plead their case, you don't engage with them anymore, you just leave. Don't give them the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you.

You set the boundary, you let them know what happens when they cross it, and then you follow through. Simply and calmly. It may or may not lead to a change in their behavior, but in the very least you will feel better.

This is what my Mil did. Eventually it lead to a final ultimatum. She ended up leaving permanently. Was tough on everyone but she had to do it

 

[DJackson10]

Short story is a family member (parent) has gone off the deep end. It's mental based—I assume Bipolar but I'm not a doctor—not drug related. 

It's been a long time coming, and the mental issues have been there for a long time and we have just been tolerating it. But since the pandemic it has gotten 1000% worse and is not healthy for the family round this person anymore. You can barely talk to this person anymore without them taking little things and making huge issues over it or jumping down your throat for something you didn't even realize you did/didn't do. (I can go into detail but I'm trying to keep this not too discript)

They refuse to get help, and its the same line "I'm not the problem, all of you are the problem" every time.   

Person is older, just them and the spouse in the house now, all the children are grown with families of their own. They are very isolated and have very few friends mainly because they have all given up on this person because they are too much work to be around—they are demanding, always questioning people's intentions and openly complaining about people right in front of them. Not being able to see the very few friends and family they had left the last 4 months has made things a lot worse. I don't believe its dementia or anything like that because it's been brewing for years.

My thoughts are 3 scenarios:

1. Just give in and placate them until they eventually die. 
2. Pull the plug and just end the relationship
3. Stage an intervention 

I figure we would need to try the intervention before just cutting them out. At least it would be our way of saying "hey we tried." I also thing we need to have an impartial mediator there to keep control of the discussion. This person is a master manipulator and can twist anything to their side. There has also been hints at "ending it all" and "I just dont want to wake up some days" from this person. IMO I think those are just more cries for attention and sympathy, but you never know. 

Has anyone done interventions for this type of thing? I don't even know where to start? Any other advice, I'm really at my breaking point with this person as well as most of the family. 

 

Intervention never works like they do on TV or how people suggest it too. Even when not coming off confrontational the person its for feels it is. Do you mind telling us how old the parent is? What about the spouse? is there a way they can get them to a dr for a normal visit and suggest over the phone or some other way before the visit about the issues and see what the dr could do? I'd suggest figuring out some ways to see where and how you can help he person first. After that if it's still bad then I'd cut them off cold turkey. 

A buddy of mine and I tried an intervention with another friend Joe after both lived together in college and graduated. I feel it made things worse. That fall my other buddies mom past and things were never the same. I think it made them grow further a part.  Joe the dude we had the intervention with a few months after the parent died said something that was out of line and they cut the friend off cold turkey. They haven't talked in over 11 yrs or so now I believe. I'm at the point thanks to the isolation and work that maybe its time for me to cut Joe off or at least cut back on my time with him to maybe "hey want to get a drink, go to a movie or a game and catch up?" type of thing Is best suited for us at this point. Still haven't forgiven Joe for what they said to my other buddy nor do they feel they did anything wrong. He also lied to his parents and family about why the relationship shattered between the 2 as well. 

Both me and my other buddy have suspected Joe might be Bi-polar and never diagnosed friend we had the intervention with. Got a co worker and family member with it and he share similarities to them. It sounds like your parent from the brief stuff you've said may have it. It runs in families. My buddy and I had numerous discussions about maybe when Joe wasn't home sitting down with our parents and his and just discuss our concerns about him with them but decided not too. When we sat Joe down he immediately got confrontational when we did it on our own. We tried to smooth things out and tell him our concerns without it making it look like we picked on him but things got worse. 

I had another friend of mine's dad who my dad didn't like for a few things he did (how he drove and stuff) so he didn't want me in the car with him. We suggested an intervention and my buddies dad made the comment if things don't work out I may not be able to be friends with his son anymore. It was toolsy move by the dad I'll admit and upset me. I told my parents who called him and had a discussion and let me go with their dad still. However my parents feel the dude was just making a power move to get his way. When his wife and him divorced he made a similar move as well. Just the type of guy he was. Point is I'd hold off on an intervention because in my cases it just made things much worse.