How to Tell Someone is a Good Person by the Small Things (1 Viewer)

[rockaction]

Here’s an example that I just experienced….

I have just boarded a flight. I’m sitting in first class, aisle seat. The young lady in the window seat had boarded just before me. She’s fully entrenched in her phone already so my “good morning” as a courtesy was returned as something muttered under her breath.

No problem. I was just trying to be cordial and wasn’t expecting much more than an acknowledgment. Most of the time, I’m not one to continually engage with my row mates on a flight. You do your thing, I will do mine for the next 5.5 hours (San Diego to Philadelphia). Perfect!

After a few minutes, she starts maneuvering around to adjust the jacket she was wearing. I wasn’t really paying attention but I think she was attempting to put on her hood so she could disassociate from me with 100% clarity. lol.

As mentioned, I wasn’t really paying attention until her left arm swung down and knocked over her large, extremely full Starbucks coffee that was sitting on the armrest between us. I watched in slow motion as it dropped to the ground, hitting the floor, popping off the top, and subsequently splashing all over my shoe, pantleg and backpack that was stowed under my seat.

What happened next made me think immediately of this thread, which I had been reading just minutes earlier.

There was an audible groan from under the hood as she lamented the fact that her coffee was now all over the floor and she wouldn’t be able to caffeinate on the long flight to Philly.

That was it. There wasn’t an “oh I’m sorry” or anything of the like. She just kind of stared down at the floor, unsure of what to do next. To her credit, she did ring the flight attendant call button, but that was it. No other words or actions indicating anything other than assuming that she expected the flight attendant to come and clean things up.

I hopped out of my seat and went to the front galley to get something to sop up the mess. The FA gave me a big stack of paper towels to try and help the matter.

I returned to my seat, took a few of the paper towels to clean up my shoes, pants, backpack and floor, and handed the rest of the stack to the coffee spiller, without an acknowledgment or a thank you. While I certainly understand that she may have been completely embarrassed to the point of turning mute, that’s not the normal reaction of someone that just accidentally spilled their coffee all over a complete stranger that was sitting next to them. A simple “I’m sorry” was the minimum expectation but I got nothing.

After wiping off her shoe that may have gotten a slight splash, and making a half-hearted attempt to blot the carpet between us, she stuffed the remaining paper towels in the seat back, turned toward the window and went back to doom-scrolling Instagram, which she has continued to do in the 10 minutes or so it was taken me to type this out.

I will give most people the benefit of the doubt considering this is the first flight out in the morning, it’s very early and they haven’t had their coffee, but come on. A simple acknowledgment of remorse or even a veiled attempt at an apology would have gone a long way.

So there it is. My judgement of her right now? Bad person.

And now I have to sit here with a soggy floor and the smell of stale coffee lingering for the next 5.5 hours. AMA. lol.

That’s more than just inconsiderate, that sounds near sociopathic

That just had me shaking my head.

 

[Dezbelief]

Good people have good animals. You can tell a lot about people by their animals.

Advice from my farm raised grandma.

 

[Cowboysfan8]

I think this is a good topic and a great question. I've often thought about this myself and have a few things I'd consider for this list of being a good person....the shopping cart thing is definitely one of them!

- On your license, are you an organ donor? If 'yes' I think that is a point in favor of being a good person.
- If you are a dog owner, did you rescue or adopt the dog? If 'yes' I think that's another point in favor of being a good person. And yes, I know some people have to BUY designer dogs for allergies and there are other reasons to spend money to buy a puppy, but the world is full of animals that will be euthanized if we don't step up to give them a home. Those people are the good people, IMO.
- How does a person treat the restaurant server, bartender, staff, etc? Are you treating them all with respect, kindness and possibly with some grace if they are slammed? If I don't know you well and we're out together at a restaurant or bar, I'm judging you on how you interact with the staff there.
- Do you wave when people let you in to merge or change lanes? If you wave, I think you're a nice person who knows how to thank a person for their kindness. I find the non-wavers to be selfish and inconsiderate.


That's a few I'd add. Not sure how this helps your daughter dating, though.

Just using your turn signal is another that I thought about before and similar to yours about waving. If you can't be bothered to simply hit a turn signal when you change lanes or turn because it is.... too much effort? Then it seems like your default position is being self centered. I would also say how you drive and generally allowing people in or to go ahead of you says alot too.

How someone treats people that they can not get any benefit from being nice and courteous is another... going along the way of servers, bartenders, staff etc but even further because a 'shred' person who is still a jerk can know that they can 'get' something out of being nice to these people. When there is absolutely nothing to gain from someone or even be inconvenienced, how do they act?

The dog is a good thing too. Being a dog owner in general is a half a point and how they treat the dog is another. I worked at a pet store for a while. I would break down the percentage of jerks being about 75% cat owners, 20% other animals and 5% dog owners. For whatever reason, dog owners seemed to be nice, good people. Easily the jerks were overwhelmingly cat owners (now, before people have a temper tantrum on this, there were PLENTY of wonderful people that were cat owners and I am not saying cat owners are jerks).

Well, it is a bigger question in general than just my daughter dating but I want to get her thinking about these type of things and not how cute some little turd is.

That’s because cats are jerks

 

[Chadstroma]

You can tell a lot about a person by their expression when no one is looking at them. I see so, so many people whose default expression seems to be anger or annoyance.

I often look mad when I am not. It isn't my default or resting face but thinking, pain (I am usually in pain at some level), confused, etc and it looks like I am mad. I tend to scrunch my face a bit and my eyebrows angle quickly to a mad face. Also bad eyesight now as I get older so if I am looking at something same thing as I scrunch my face. A good portion of the time I probably am done of those people to you.

Funny thing which I think this may be contributing factor to. I found out last summer that my daughter's entire boy grade is scared of me. I have three kids at the school so I am there often and coach some basketball to. I didn't know most of the boys from her grade but starting last year boys I didn't know would give very respectful, very nice "hello Mr Chadstroma" now in general the kids at the school are very respectful like that but it was a bit "extra" and boys I didn't know. I would say something like "hey bud" and be confused how they knew who I was. It happened over and over.

A friend of my daughter's that does not go to that school knows some of the boys from there. We hang out with her friends family every 4th and her friend told me that all the boys are scared of me. Now, I am a big guy 6'1" 280ish and usually dress comfortably and have scruff so I often look rough I guess but I am sure my expression mentioned above has something to do it with it.

I used this to my advantage a couple of months ago. My daughter told me that they boys would make jokes about her and a friend of hers along the nature of them having kissed essentially because they are so close and boys are boys. I saw one of the boys I knew and called him over "Joe, I heard about some boys making jokes about them" "Not me Mr Chadstroma" "I didn't say you did bud, but I need you to do meat a favor... I need you to make sure every boy knows that those jokes end now. If I hear that someone does make the joke, I will have to have a (pause) conversation with them that I don't want to have. Can you do that for me?" "Yes Mr Chadstroma" .... I waited a week and then asked my daughter if the jokes were still happening and said no about a week ago they stopped.

 

[Psychopav]

Lots of good advice here. I'd add pay attention to how they talk to/treat their mothers.

 

[Joe Bryant]

I often look mad when I am not. It isn't my default or resting face but thinking, pain (I am usually in pain at some level), confused, etc and it looks like I am mad. I tend to scrunch my face a bit and my eyebrows angle quickly to a mad face. Also bad eyesight now as I get older so if I am looking at something same thing as I scrunch my face. A good portion of the time I probably am done of those people to you.

This made me think of another thing. A little off topic as it's not really about "tells" for good or bad traits.

But it's connected. The thought was more of what I said earlier - People are complicated.

LOTS of times we really have no idea what's going on with the other person.

I agree, how someone looks when they're at ease CAN be a tell. But clearly, as @Chadstroma shows, that's for sure not always the case.

Same with the person that cuts you off in traffic or replies rudely to a message board post. You most likely don't know what's going on with that person and why they're acting that way.

 

[Manster]

What kind of people the parents are will tell you a lot.

You want your kid to try to steer clear of other kids who have parents who think their kids can do no wrong. This goes for romantic interests, and friends. Our teenage daughter is learning this the hard way. When a kid knows their parents will back them even when they are a **** head, it creates a dangerous precedent.

 

[Hoh]

You can tell a lot about a person by their expression when no one is looking at them. I see so, so many people whose default expression seems to be anger or annoyance.

I often look mad when I am not. It isn't my default or resting face but thinking, pain (I am usually in pain at some level), confused, etc and it looks like I am mad. I tend to scrunch my face a bit and my eyebrows angle quickly to a mad face. Also bad eyesight now as I get older so if I am looking at something same thing as I scrunch my face. A good portion of the time I probably am done of those people to you.

Funny thing which I think this may be contributing factor to. I found out last summer that my daughter's entire boy grade is scared of me. I have three kids at the school so I am there often and coach some basketball to. I didn't know most of the boys from her grade but starting last year boys I didn't know would give very respectful, very nice "hello Mr Chadstroma" now in general the kids at the school are very respectful like that but it was a bit "extra" and boys I didn't know. I would say something like "hey bud" and be confused how they knew who I was. It happened over and over.

A friend of my daughter's that does not go to that school knows some of the boys from there. We hang out with her friends family every 4th and her friend told me that all the boys are scared of me. Now, I am a big guy 6'1" 280ish and usually dress comfortably and have scruff so I often look rough I guess but I am sure my expression mentioned above has something to do it with it.

I used this to my advantage a couple of months ago. My daughter told me that they boys would make jokes about her and a friend of hers along the nature of them having kissed essentially because they are so close and boys are boys. I saw one of the boys I knew and called him over "Joe, I heard about some boys making jokes about them" "Not me Mr Chadstroma" "I didn't say you did bud, but I need you to do meat a favor... I need you to make sure every boy knows that those jokes end now. If I hear that someone does make the joke, I will have to have a (pause) conversation with them that I don't want to have. Can you do that for me?" "Yes Mr Chadstroma" .... I waited a week and then asked my daughter if the jokes were still happening and said no about a week ago they stopped.

I may have sounded a little more judgemental than I intended. I apologize. I guess it’s not an indication of someone being a bad person as it makes them seem unapproachable. Again, my apologies.

 

[Chadstroma]

You can tell a lot about a person by their expression when no one is looking at them. I see so, so many people whose default expression seems to be anger or annoyance.

I often look mad when I am not. It isn't my default or resting face but thinking, pain (I am usually in pain at some level), confused, etc and it looks like I am mad. I tend to scrunch my face a bit and my eyebrows angle quickly to a mad face. Also bad eyesight now as I get older so if I am looking at something same thing as I scrunch my face. A good portion of the time I probably am done of those people to you.

Funny thing which I think this may be contributing factor to. I found out last summer that my daughter's entire boy grade is scared of me. I have three kids at the school so I am there often and coach some basketball to. I didn't know most of the boys from her grade but starting last year boys I didn't know would give very respectful, very nice "hello Mr Chadstroma" now in general the kids at the school are very respectful like that but it was a bit "extra" and boys I didn't know. I would say something like "hey bud" and be confused how they knew who I was. It happened over and over.

A friend of my daughter's that does not go to that school knows some of the boys from there. We hang out with her friends family every 4th and her friend told me that all the boys are scared of me. Now, I am a big guy 6'1" 280ish and usually dress comfortably and have scruff so I often look rough I guess but I am sure my expression mentioned above has something to do it with it.

I used this to my advantage a couple of months ago. My daughter told me that they boys would make jokes about her and a friend of hers along the nature of them having kissed essentially because they are so close and boys are boys. I saw one of the boys I knew and called him over "Joe, I heard about some boys making jokes about them" "Not me Mr Chadstroma" "I didn't say you did bud, but I need you to do meat a favor... I need you to make sure every boy knows that those jokes end now. If I hear that someone does make the joke, I will have to have a (pause) conversation with them that I don't want to have. Can you do that for me?" "Yes Mr Chadstroma" .... I waited a week and then asked my daughter if the jokes were still happening and said no about a week ago they stopped.

I may have sounded a little more judgemental than I intended. I apologize. I guess it’s not an indication of someone being a bad person as it makes them seem unapproachable. Again, my apologies.

No offense taken at all. My wife is much more judgmental about it than you are!

 

[Chadstroma]

I think with most things discussed here it is not a 100% sure fire indication of good or bad person. I think that they are evidence that you can collect to make a determination. Also, as already pointed out, people can have bad days, make poor choices, be actively dealing with a lot, have medical issues, be absent minded, have miscommunications or misunderstandings, and more....

I offered putting shopping carts back. I put them back nearly ALL the time but have I dont it 100% of the time? No. I can think of a few times that I did not. A gout flair up that made the extra walk extremely painful happened before and a couple of times when I had an infant and put them in the car, I made the decision not to leave them to put the cart back- it came down to priorities. Normal times, I always put it back. I don't care if it is an inconvenience or snowing/raining, I will put them back because I recognize that the world isn't about me. The times that I didn't, It bugged me that I didn't but there were reasons.

Is my communication to my daughter going to be "if a dude you are dating doesn't put his cart away, stop dating him." No. It will be more like "be mindful, watch people, see what they do and how they act. How they treat you is paramount but see how they treat others, see how they act in small things... do they put the shopping cart away, do they use their turn signal, do they hold the door open not just for you but for others, do they try to make others days better.... things like that tell you if that is a person you want in your life more than how they treat you because they may want something from you."

 

[Chadstroma]

Do you say "thank-you" if someone holds a door for you.

Does he open the door for others and damn well better for her.

I'd be hesitant on this one. There's still a raging debate about holding the door open for women and regardless of our own political feelings, young kids are being taught to be ambivalent about this. I remember a stupid girlfriend cuffing my face once about it just to prove a point. We didn't last.

It has since passed Go without even bothering to collect the two hundred bucks. In all earnestness, I keep reading about the younger generation and how they treat women and you might want to buckle up and buckle in, Chad. It's not that they're treating them poorly; it's that they have no clue how to interact because of modern manners and considerations of appropriateness.

I am confident my daughter has an expectation that the boy would hold the door open for her as is. I hold the door open for my wife and her and she has seen me actively teach my sons to hold the doors open for people in general but certainly for women. She has been raised in a conservative family both socially and politically (not just our immediate family but all the extended family that she has normal contact with all range from middle of the road to very conservative) as well as going to a Catholic private school that very much still teaches socially conservative behavior and though that does not mean she will follow, so far, from picking up things here and there she seems to have fallen in line with that. She does not talk to me much about boys but the little pieces of evidence I have picked up is that she likes very masculine boys. I am not going to lie and say that I am not going to encourage that continued direction and try to influence her thinking towards that as much as I can as her father.

 

[ProstheticRGK]

I think, in general, the people I consider “good” are what I classify as true human beings. People who are aware. Aware of their surroundings, aware of others, aware of situation and, most importantly, aware of themselves.

I think when you are consciously aware of yourself and your surroundings, you can’t help but treat the world like a KOA campground and leave it a little better for the next person.

Like all people, I vacillate wildly in how much awareness I manage day-to-day. So, I try to give ‘bad’ people grace, allowing for extenuating circumstances and innate capacity (nature and nurture).

I have to admit, though, I kinda wanna punch @Senor Schmutzig ‘s seat mate in the throat a little.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

You can tell a lot about a person by their expression when no one is looking at them. I see so, so many people whose default expression seems to be anger or annoyance.

I often look mad when I am not. It isn't my default or resting face but thinking, pain (I am usually in pain at some level), confused, etc and it looks like I am mad. I tend to scrunch my face a bit and my eyebrows angle quickly to a mad face. Also bad eyesight now as I get older so if I am looking at something same thing as I scrunch my face. A good portion of the time I probably am done of those people to you.

Funny thing which I think this may be contributing factor to. I found out last summer that my daughter's entire boy grade is scared of me. I have three kids at the school so I am there often and coach some basketball to. I didn't know most of the boys from her grade but starting last year boys I didn't know would give very respectful, very nice "hello Mr Chadstroma" now in general the kids at the school are very respectful like that but it was a bit "extra" and boys I didn't know. I would say something like "hey bud" and be confused how they knew who I was. It happened over and over.

A friend of my daughter's that does not go to that school knows some of the boys from there. We hang out with her friends family every 4th and her friend told me that all the boys are scared of me. Now, I am a big guy 6'1" 280ish and usually dress comfortably and have scruff so I often look rough I guess but I am sure my expression mentioned above has something to do it with it.

I used this to my advantage a couple of months ago. My daughter told me that they boys would make jokes about her and a friend of hers along the nature of them having kissed essentially because they are so close and boys are boys. I saw one of the boys I knew and called him over "Joe, I heard about some boys making jokese about them" "Not me Mr Chadstroma" "I didn't say you did bud, but I need you to t do meat a favor... I need you to make sure every boy knows that those jokes end now. If I hear that someone does make the joke, I will have to have a (pause) conversation with them that I don't want to have. Can you do that for me?" "Yes Mr Chadstroma" .... I waited a week and then asked my daughter if the jokes were still happening and said no about a week ago they stopped.

it’s the raider nation in us. All of my daughter’s friends are/were scared me. Boys and girls. I thought it is/was most excellent. I was essentially the room dad all through elementary school. I’d spend an hour or more with the kids nearly every day. Fast forward 6 years, The starting qb about passed out when I came up to him at homecoming and congratulated him. Too funny. Respect is a good thing.

 

[STEADYMOBBIN 22]

Here’s an example that I just experienced….

I have just boarded a flight. I’m sitting in first class, aisle seat. The young lady in the window seat had boarded just before me. She’s fully entrenched in her phone already so my “good morning” as a courtesy was returned as something muttered under her breath.

No problem. I was just trying to be cordial and wasn’t expecting much more than an acknowledgment. Most of the time, I’m not one to continually engage with my row mates on a flight. You do your thing, I will do mine for the next 5.5 hours (San Diego to Philadelphia). Perfect!

After a few minutes, she starts maneuvering around to adjust the jacket she was wearing. I wasn’t really paying attention but I think she was attempting to put on her hood so she could disassociate from me with 100% clarity. lol.

As mentioned, I wasn’t really paying attention until her left arm swung down and knocked over her large, extremely full Starbucks coffee that was sitting on the armrest between us. I watched in slow motion as it dropped to the ground, hitting the floor, popping off the top, and subsequently splashing all over my shoe, pantleg and backpack that was stowed under my seat.

What happened next made me think immediately of this thread, which I had been reading just minutes earlier.

There was an audible groan from under the hood as she lamented the fact that her coffee was now all over the floor and she wouldn’t be able to caffeinate on the long flight to Philly.

That was it. There wasn’t an “oh I’m sorry” or anything of the like. She just kind of stared down at the floor, unsure of what to do next. To her credit, she did ring the flight attendant call button, but that was it. No other words or actions indicating anything other than assuming that she expected the flight attendant to come and clean things up.

I hopped out of my seat and went to the front galley to get something to sop up the mess. The FA gave me a big stack of paper towels to try and help the matter.

I returned to my seat, took a few of the paper towels to clean up my shoes, pants, backpack and floor, and handed the rest of the stack to the coffee spiller, without an acknowledgment or a thank you. While I certainly understand that she may have been completely embarrassed to the point of turning mute, that’s not the normal reaction of someone that just accidentally spilled their coffee all over a complete stranger that was sitting next to them. A simple “I’m sorry” was the minimum expectation but I got nothing.

After wiping off her shoe that may have gotten a slight splash, and making a half-hearted attempt to blot the carpet between us, she stuffed the remaining paper towels in the seat back, turned toward the window and went back to doom-scrolling Instagram, which she has continued to do in the 10 minutes or so it was taken me to type this out.

I will give most people the benefit of the doubt considering this is the first flight out in the morning, it’s very early and they haven’t had their coffee, but come on. A simple acknowledgment of remorse or even a veiled attempt at an apology would have gone a long way.

So there it is. My judgement of her right now? Bad person.

And now I have to sit here with a soggy floor and the smell of stale coffee lingering for the next 5.5 hours. AMA. lol.

UPDATE
It’s been roughly two hours since we took off. Still no apology to me however she did find it in her cold, dead heart to say thank you multiple times to the flight attendant who brought her a stream of mimosas during breakfast before she conked out, with her head leaning awkwardly against the window.

I have half a mind to “accidentally” knock over my water into her lap as I get up to use the restroom.

I won’t, but I want to.

This is a perfect example. I would’ve had to apologize for apologizing so much. In fact, I’m sorry that that happened to you, my man.

Cleaning up Spills is a perfect example of who is raised right. My buddy and I who both threw up pretty poor but had good mothers would always look at each other and say 1000 words with just a glance when someone would inevitably spill a beer or a drink at one of our houses or apartments.

For those watching at home -when you spill a drink, you take a towel or paper towels, and you blotch the spot, holding it there so the towel can absorb the spill. What you don’t do is take a single paper towel, swipe it across the surface a couple of times and call it a day.

 

[Zow]

I think this is a good topic and a great question. I've often thought about this myself and have a few things I'd consider for this list of being a good person....the shopping cart thing is definitely one of them!

- On your license, are you an organ donor? If 'yes' I think that is a point in favor of being a good person.
- If you are a dog owner, did you rescue or adopt the dog? If 'yes' I think that's another point in favor of being a good person. And yes, I know some people have to BUY designer dogs for allergies and there are other reasons to spend money to buy a puppy, but the world is full of animals that will be euthanized if we don't step up to give them a home. Those people are the good people, IMO.
- How does a person treat the restaurant server, bartender, staff, etc? Are you treating them all with respect, kindness and possibly with some grace if they are slammed? If I don't know you well and we're out together at a restaurant or bar, I'm judging you on how you interact with the staff there.
- Do you wave when people let you in to merge or change lanes? If you wave, I think you're a nice person who knows how to thank a person for their kindness. I find the non-wavers to be selfish and inconsiderate.


That's a few I'd add. Not sure how this helps your daughter dating, though.

These are good ones. I especially look for how others treat wait staff - or really anybody working a service job where one could arguably be in a position of immediate power and authority of them (e.g. hotel cleaning staff, cart barn kids at the golf course, cashier at the grocery store, barista, etc.). I interviewed a potential job candidate yesterday and intentionally took him to a crowded coffee shop and put him in a position to order to see how he treated those around us.

Can't stand people who treat minimum wage service employees terrible.

I'd also add:

1. Did the person opt to take a couple seconds to hold the door for somebody else they didn't know?
2. Did the person put their grocery cart away properly?
3. Generally, is somebody willing to help out somebody else with a task without expecting some sort of consideration for doing so? (E.g. did you help a friend move without expecting payment?)

 

[Chadstroma]

You can tell a lot about a person by their expression when no one is looking at them. I see so, so many people whose default expression seems to be anger or annoyance.

I often look mad when I am not. It isn't my default or resting face but thinking, pain (I am usually in pain at some level), confused, etc and it looks like I am mad. I tend to scrunch my face a bit and my eyebrows angle quickly to a mad face. Also bad eyesight now as I get older so if I am looking at something same thing as I scrunch my face. A good portion of the time I probably am done of those people to you.

Funny thing which I think this may be contributing factor to. I found out last summer that my daughter's entire boy grade is scared of me. I have three kids at the school so I am there often and coach some basketball to. I didn't know most of the boys from her grade but starting last year boys I didn't know would give very respectful, very nice "hello Mr Chadstroma" now in general the kids at the school are very respectful like that but it was a bit "extra" and boys I didn't know. I would say something like "hey bud" and be confused how they knew who I was. It happened over and over.

A friend of my daughter's that does not go to that school knows some of the boys from there. We hang out with her friends family every 4th and her friend told me that all the boys are scared of me. Now, I am a big guy 6'1" 280ish and usually dress comfortably and have scruff so I often look rough I guess but I am sure my expression mentioned above has something to do it with it.

I used this to my advantage a couple of months ago. My daughter told me that they boys would make jokes about her and a friend of hers along the nature of them having kissed essentially because they are so close and boys are boys. I saw one of the boys I knew and called him over "Joe, I heard about some boys making jokese about them" "Not me Mr Chadstroma" "I didn't say you did bud, but I need you to t do meat a favor... I need you to make sure every boy knows that those jokes end now. If I hear that someone does make the joke, I will have to have a (pause) conversation with them that I don't want to have. Can you do that for me?" "Yes Mr Chadstroma" .... I waited a week and then asked my daughter if the jokes were still happening and said no about a week ago they stopped.

it’s the raider nation in us. All of my daughter’s friends are/were scared me. Boys and girls. I thought it is/was most excellent. I was essentially the room dad all through elementary school. I’d spend an hour or more with the kids nearly every day. Fast forward 6 years, The starting qb about passed out when I came up to him at homecoming and congratulated him. Too funny. Respect is a good thing.

Whatever it is.... I will take it.

I remember during football season this year, I saw two of our star football players right before the championship game and I said something along the lines "You boys going to win this game?" and they were both visibly startled and kind of stumbled over a "yes sir".

 

[-OZ-]

Is my communication to my daughter going to be "if a dude you are dating doesn't put his cart away, stop dating him." No. It will be more like "be mindful, watch people, see what they do and how they act. How they treat you is paramount but see how they treat others, see how they act in small things... do they put the shopping cart away, do they use their turn signal, do they hold the door open not just for you but for others, do they try to make others days better.... things like that tell you if that is a person you want in your life more than how they treat you because they may want something from you."

I tell my sons and daughter that there comes a time in every relationship when a natural inclination is to take the other person for granted. It’s then that most people will treat you like they treat others. So you better be content with the way they treat others.
Which isn’t to say people don’t keep the spark going or get closer as good friends, but consider their treatment of others as a baseline to expect at times.
Same goes for us. Develop the habit of treating people with respect, it’s easy to do but also easy to slip up - then a measure of the person is how they react after they messed up.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Grudge holders are typically petty and self centered. They like to "keep score" and drag out your past mistakes/transgressions when it is to their advantage.

If you've resolved an issue with a friend/significant other it should be forgotten. Doing so is to the health of the relationship which is what both sides should truly want.

I don't let people get close that say things like, "Well remember when you did THIS OR THAT!?"

 

[Gally]

Just using your turn signal is another that I thought about before and similar to yours about waving. If you can't be bothered to simply hit a turn signal when you change lanes or turn because it is.... too much effort? Then it seems like your default position is being self centered. I would also say how you drive and generally allowing people in or to go ahead of you says alot too.

There is context to this. If there is nobody on the road and you don't use a signal is different then not using your signal when other people need to know what you are doing.

 

[Gally]

I'd encourage her to pay attention as to how the person treats people who most other people treat poorly.

To follow on to this do they talk nice to somebody's face and then tear them down and bad mouth them to other's when they aren't around. Are they two-faced?

 

[Gally]

I'd be hesitant on this one. There's still a raging debate about holding the door open for women and regardless of our own political feelings, young kids are being taught to be ambivalent about this. I remember a stupid girlfriend cuffing my face once about it just to prove a point. We didn't last.

It has since passed Go without even bothering to collect the two hundred bucks. In all earnestness, I keep reading about the younger generation and how they treat women and you might want to buckle up and buckle in, Chad. It's not that they're treating them poorly; it's that they have no clue how to interact because of modern manners and considerations of appropriateness.

Basically, as you said many people are being conditioned to not open doors for women because not all women take that as a nice thing so I wouldn't necessarily take that as a negative but I do give a big boost to the guys that do open doors as it likely is an indication on how they were raised.

 

[Gally]

Not using someone’s embarrassing moment/mistake/lapse of good judgment against them later would be a good sign of character.

Unless you are a good friend of theirs and then you must bring it up all the time to bust their balls in good natured fun.

 

[Gally]

What i don't like is people who yell at you for holding the door. I'm trying to be kind. You're trying to teach me. That's cool. Yelling at me is not a kind way to teach me. That's not cool.

I also think the world is moving away from realizing the intention of the person along with the action. This door holding is a good example. The intention of holding the door for someone is to be nice and help them out. It's not an attack on the person saying they aren't strong enough to open the door themselves or that I am doing it to say they are a lesser person and I have to hold the door for them.

People intentionally doing something that someone else doesn't like and doing it because they know the other person doesn't like it is a sign of being a "bad" person. I think intentions are more telling than actions sometimes.

(I also can't understand anybody being yelled at for holding a door open or opening a door for someone. That makes no sense to me and there is no reason to ever try and "teach" someone not to do that. It is 100% a courtesy to do for someone else no matter what)

 

[Gally]

I like people that can take good -natured ribbing and laugh at themselves. self-deprecation has always been a big plus for me

This is huge. I have always said that if everyone can laugh at themselves and not take things so seriously it would solve a lot of the world's problems. There are so many issues caused because someone feels "disrespected" over things that are either innocent mistakes with no ill intentions or jokes that aren't meant to be taken seriously. People that have a chip on their shoulder looking to take anything negatively is also a bad trait. Figuring out the intention of the other person can also help stop a lot of issues over innocent mistakes.

 

[Gally]

To get a crash course on bad people work at a fast food place for a year or two as a high schooler (I actually think this would be a good thing to make mandatory). You will see the worst of the worst of people and how not to treat people real quick. Having done this throughout HS (I worked at Taco Bell for three years) it taught me a lot of life lessons that definitely made me a better person on how to treat people and how to see what classmates were terrible people by watching how that acted in the restaurant. it really helped to pull the curtain away from a lot of people and see what they are really like.

ETA: It also gave you a good insight into spotting people that were lazy and who worked hard by having to work with various people along the way. Very easy to spot who was willing to work hard and who would cut corners and find ways to get out of things by working along side them.

 

[bigbottom]

I'd be hesitant on this one. There's still a raging debate about holding the door open for women and regardless of our own political feelings, young kids are being taught to be ambivalent about this. I remember a stupid girlfriend cuffing my face once about it just to prove a point. We didn't last.

It has since passed Go without even bothering to collect the two hundred bucks. In all earnestness, I keep reading about the younger generation and how they treat women and you might want to buckle up and buckle in, Chad. It's not that they're treating them poorly; it's that they have no clue how to interact because of modern manners and considerations of appropriateness.

Basically, as you said many people are being conditioned to not open doors for women because not all women take that as a nice thing so I wouldn't necessarily take that as a negative but I do give a big boost to the guys that do open doors as it likely is an indication on how they were raised.

If there is someone behind me, I’ll typically hold open the door regardless of the gender of that person. The only consistent exception being at no-reservation restaurants and I am trying to get my name on the waitlist. Maybe that makes me a bad person!

 

[Chris B.]

"you are the company you keep". So observe a person's social circles. And if possible, see what type of accounts they follow on social media.

 

[Zow]

I'd encourage her to pay attention as to how the person treats people who most other people treat poorly.

To follow on to this do they talk nice to somebody's face and then tear them down and bad mouth them to other's when they aren't around. Are they two-faced?

No, they're likely just midwestern.

 

[Zow]

I'd be hesitant on this one. There's still a raging debate about holding the door open for women and regardless of our own political feelings, young kids are being taught to be ambivalent about this. I remember a stupid girlfriend cuffing my face once about it just to prove a point. We didn't last.

It has since passed Go without even bothering to collect the two hundred bucks. In all earnestness, I keep reading about the younger generation and how they treat women and you might want to buckle up and buckle in, Chad. It's not that they're treating them poorly; it's that they have no clue how to interact because of modern manners and considerations of appropriateness.

Basically, as you said many people are being conditioned to not open doors for women because not all women take that as a nice thing so I wouldn't necessarily take that as a negative but I do give a big boost to the guys that do open doors as it likely is an indication on how they were raised.

If there is someone behind me, I’ll typically hold open the door regardless of the gender of that person. The only consistent exception being at no-reservation restaurants and I am trying to get my name on the waitlist. Maybe that makes me a bad person!

Pro tip: hold the door in a way that still has you getting inside first. Win-win!

 

[zoobird]

I'm always slightly skeptical of the holding door open indicator. I tend to associate overly "gentlemanly" behavior as an angle used by really smooth guys to appear nice to women and girls. I think the really positive indicator would be for our daughters not to be overlay swayed by guys who hold doors for them, but if there's a guy who holds the door for other guys, that's probably an indicator of someone who is genuinely a nice person.

 

[Gally]

I'm always slightly skeptical of the holding door open indicator. I tend to associate overly "gentlemanly" behavior as an angle used by really smooth guys to appear nice to women and girls. I think the really positive indicator would be for our daughters not to be overlay swayed by guys who hold doors for them, but if there's a guy who holds the door for other guys, that's probably an indicator of someone who is genuinely a nice person.

That's a weird take I have never heard before. I understand it but it hasn't been my experience. It doesn't seem like an "overly gentlemanly" behavior to me. Now putting your coat over a puddle so a lady can walk on it would but not holding doors.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

I'm always slightly skeptical of the holding door open indicator. I tend to associate overly "gentlemanly" behavior as an angle used by really smooth guys to appear nice to women and girls. I think the really positive indicator would be for our daughters not to be overlay swayed by guys who hold doors for them, but if there's a guy who holds the door for other guys, that's probably an indicator of someone who is genuinely a nice person.

I hold doors for everyone because I don't trust any of you and want to keep you right where I can see you.

 

[FarFromHome]

People that don't clean up after themselves in public restrooms are bad people. Bad people I don't even want to look at.

 

[beer 30]

I'm sure it's been mentioned but for those of you that don't return shopping carts either to the store or a cart coral, there is a special place in hell for you.

 

[SWC]

do they tell the truth are they good to dogs are they nice to waiters are they patient with the elderly do they hold the door for other people on elevators do they like to see joy in others do they correctly back into parking spots do they get their heart up in their throats when they see someone they love succeed and do they feel pride in others take that to the bank bromigos

 

[Chadstroma]

I'm sure it's been mentioned but for those of you that don't return shopping carts either to the store or a cart coral, there is a special place in hell for you.

First thing I thought of when I thought about this subject

 

[Gally]

Nobody has mentioned the other obvious tell-tale sign of whether or not someone backs into a parking spot in a parking lot or not.

 

[Harry Manback]

I have been spending some time thinking through some things as my daughter is graduating Jr High from her small Catholic private school where the entire school has a few hundred kids from K-8th to a public HS that has about 3K students. I am planning on taking her to lunch sometime this summer and talking to her. I want to help her get ready for the huge learning curve she is about to experience. My wife went to the same school when she was a kid and then an all girls Catholic HS so I don't think she really understands but I went to public school and know that this will be a dramatic difference for my daughter. There are a lot of subjects I want to discuss with her but one of them is about the whole boys/girls thing and being prepared for dating. As much as I joke that she isn't allowed, I know it is coming.

One of the things I have been wanting to help her figure out is how to really determine if someone is a good person. We all know that there is a range of people out there and guys will range from being scum who want to use girls to good kids. As I really thought about this I was thinking of how are ways you can really tell because guys will act and say things to be a person that they are not in order to get what they want. I touched on something I remember thinking before that on way you could tell someone was a considerate, good person was if they took their shopping carts back in the collection points or just leave them. I thought about this more and started coming up with other things that are 'small' but are a good way to watch people that expose themselves for who they really are and now what they are presenting to you.

So, my questions- first, do you agree that you can find small things like that and really see whether a person is a decent person or self centered scum bag? If not, why and how do you otherwise determine someone to be good or not. If you do agree, what are other small things that you believe you can see someone character?

How they talk about people who aren't in the room.

If they stop to help someone who drops something/holds a door etc.

Please and thank yous.

 

[Chaz McNulty]

When someone slows down to allow you merge into a lane, you really need to give the acknowledge wave.

 

[Terminalxylem]

Nobody has mentioned the other obvious tell-tale sign of whether or not someone backs into a parking spot in a parking lot or not.

I was holding off, but it had to be said.

 

[Navin Johnson]

If a toddler smiles, waves, or says hello to you....

 

[Kanil]

It’s pretty tough with the internet and access to porn that’s out there. Even boys who seem mostly good have likely been raised now with their ideas of sexual relationships being built around inappropriate relationships and abusing women. The girls become dolls for them to act out all the things they see on the internet and it’s a pretty rough situation for those young girls to be in. What is the prevalence of this? I don’t know and I get it’s an awkward conversation to have with your son or daughter but I do think it’s one you should have. The **** you see on there isn’t normal and isn’t for teens in their eerily relationships.

We've had this conversation with our son for years. Porn is a fantasy and is not what most people would consider normal.

 

[Kanil]

Here’s an example that I just experienced….

I have just boarded a flight. I’m sitting in first class, aisle seat. The young lady in the window seat had boarded just before me. She’s fully entrenched in her phone already so my “good morning” as a courtesy was returned as something muttered under her breath.

No problem. I was just trying to be cordial and wasn’t expecting much more than an acknowledgment. Most of the time, I’m not one to continually engage with my row mates on a flight. You do your thing, I will do mine for the next 5.5 hours (San Diego to Philadelphia). Perfect!

After a few minutes, she starts maneuvering around to adjust the jacket she was wearing. I wasn’t really paying attention but I think she was attempting to put on her hood so she could disassociate from me with 100% clarity. lol.

As mentioned, I wasn’t really paying attention until her left arm swung down and knocked over her large, extremely full Starbucks coffee that was sitting on the armrest between us. I watched in slow motion as it dropped to the ground, hitting the floor, popping off the top, and subsequently splashing all over my shoe, pantleg and backpack that was stowed under my seat.

What happened next made me think immediately of this thread, which I had been reading just minutes earlier.

There was an audible groan from under the hood as she lamented the fact that her coffee was now all over the floor and she wouldn’t be able to caffeinate on the long flight to Philly.

That was it. There wasn’t an “oh I’m sorry” or anything of the like. She just kind of stared down at the floor, unsure of what to do next. To her credit, she did ring the flight attendant call button, but that was it. No other words or actions indicating anything other than assuming that she expected the flight attendant to come and clean things up.

I hopped out of my seat and went to the front galley to get something to sop up the mess. The FA gave me a big stack of paper towels to try and help the matter.

I returned to my seat, took a few of the paper towels to clean up my shoes, pants, backpack and floor, and handed the rest of the stack to the coffee spiller, without an acknowledgment or a thank you. While I certainly understand that she may have been completely embarrassed to the point of turning mute, that’s not the normal reaction of someone that just accidentally spilled their coffee all over a complete stranger that was sitting next to them. A simple “I’m sorry” was the minimum expectation but I got nothing.

After wiping off her shoe that may have gotten a slight splash, and making a half-hearted attempt to blot the carpet between us, she stuffed the remaining paper towels in the seat back, turned toward the window and went back to doom-scrolling Instagram, which she has continued to do in the 10 minutes or so it was taken me to type this out.

I will give most people the benefit of the doubt considering this is the first flight out in the morning, it’s very early and they haven’t had their coffee, but come on. A simple acknowledgment of remorse or even a veiled attempt at an apology would have gone a long way.

So there it is. My judgement of her right now? Bad person.

And now I have to sit here with a soggy floor and the smell of stale coffee lingering for the next 5.5 hours. AMA. lol.

UPDATE
It’s been roughly two hours since we took off. Still no apology to me however she did find it in her cold, dead heart to say thank you multiple times to the flight attendant who brought her a stream of mimosas during breakfast before she conked out, with her head leaning awkwardly against the window.

I have half a mind to “accidentally” knock over my water into her lap as I get up to use the restroom.

I won’t, but I want to.

Had a similar, but completely opposite experience a few trips ago. I was the first-class window seat and he was aisle. We had about a 40-minute wait while they de-iced the plane and during this time, he elbowed his soda off the armrest which landed right in between us and spilled all over, including my pant leg and shoes. He immediately said, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry" and turned bright red out of embarrassment. He then walked up to the gally and got a bunch of paper towels and asked for a wet cloth. He handed the cloth to me "for your shoes" and then proceeded to get on hands and knees and soak up as much as he could. Once he decided the paper towels weren't going to get anymore up, he threw them away, came back and said, "that's not good enough, your shoes are going to be all sticky on the bottom if they sit in that", and proceeded to grab a towel out of his carry on and lay it on the floor under our feet.

We ended up having a great conversation on our 4-ish hour flight during which he offered to pay to dry clean my pants. I thanked him but turned him down as I was already planning on taking them to the cleaners when I got back. After the flight, he waited for me to clear the aisle before picking up his town and apologizing to the flight crew for the mess.

100% good person reaction.

 

[Gally]

I was the first-class window seat

Look at all these first class travelers and their drink spilling issues......jeesh.

He then walked up to the gally

He lied to you. I have never met this man.

 

[Kanil]

it’s the raider nation in us. All of my daughter’s friends are/were scared me. Boys and girls. I thought it is/was most excellent. I was essentially the room dad all through elementary school. I’d spend an hour or more with the kids nearly every day. Fast forward 6 years, The starting qb about passed out when I came up to him at homecoming and congratulated him. Too funny. Respect is a good thing.

I think being a Raider hater is the #1 sign of a good person . Go Broncos!

 

[Kanil]

I'd be hesitant on this one. There's still a raging debate about holding the door open for women and regardless of our own political feelings, young kids are being taught to be ambivalent about this. I remember a stupid girlfriend cuffing my face once about it just to prove a point. We didn't last.

It has since passed Go without even bothering to collect the two hundred bucks. In all earnestness, I keep reading about the younger generation and how they treat women and you might want to buckle up and buckle in, Chad. It's not that they're treating them poorly; it's that they have no clue how to interact because of modern manners and considerations of appropriateness.

Basically, as you said many people are being conditioned to not open doors for women because not all women take that as a nice thing so I wouldn't necessarily take that as a negative but I do give a big boost to the guys that do open doors as it likely is an indication on how they were raised.

If there is someone behind me, I’ll typically hold open the door regardless of the gender of that person. The only consistent exception being at no-reservation restaurants and I am trying to get my name on the waitlist. Maybe that makes me a bad person!

Good person indicator is when you hold the door for someone, and then they tell you to go in front of them in line.

 

[Senor Schmutzig]

Here’s an example that I just experienced….

I have just boarded a flight. I’m sitting in first class, aisle seat. The young lady in the window seat had boarded just before me. She’s fully entrenched in her phone already so my “good morning” as a courtesy was returned as something muttered under her breath.

No problem. I was just trying to be cordial and wasn’t expecting much more than an acknowledgment. Most of the time, I’m not one to continually engage with my row mates on a flight. You do your thing, I will do mine for the next 5.5 hours (San Diego to Philadelphia). Perfect!

After a few minutes, she starts maneuvering around to adjust the jacket she was wearing. I wasn’t really paying attention but I think she was attempting to put on her hood so she could disassociate from me with 100% clarity. lol.

As mentioned, I wasn’t really paying attention until her left arm swung down and knocked over her large, extremely full Starbucks coffee that was sitting on the armrest between us. I watched in slow motion as it dropped to the ground, hitting the floor, popping off the top, and subsequently splashing all over my shoe, pantleg and backpack that was stowed under my seat.

What happened next made me think immediately of this thread, which I had been reading just minutes earlier.

There was an audible groan from under the hood as she lamented the fact that her coffee was now all over the floor and she wouldn’t be able to caffeinate on the long flight to Philly.

That was it. There wasn’t an “oh I’m sorry” or anything of the like. She just kind of stared down at the floor, unsure of what to do next. To her credit, she did ring the flight attendant call button, but that was it. No other words or actions indicating anything other than assuming that she expected the flight attendant to come and clean things up.

I hopped out of my seat and went to the front galley to get something to sop up the mess. The FA gave me a big stack of paper towels to try and help the matter.

I returned to my seat, took a few of the paper towels to clean up my shoes, pants, backpack and floor, and handed the rest of the stack to the coffee spiller, without an acknowledgment or a thank you. While I certainly understand that she may have been completely embarrassed to the point of turning mute, that’s not the normal reaction of someone that just accidentally spilled their coffee all over a complete stranger that was sitting next to them. A simple “I’m sorry” was the minimum expectation but I got nothing.

After wiping off her shoe that may have gotten a slight splash, and making a half-hearted attempt to blot the carpet between us, she stuffed the remaining paper towels in the seat back, turned toward the window and went back to doom-scrolling Instagram, which she has continued to do in the 10 minutes or so it was taken me to type this out.

I will give most people the benefit of the doubt considering this is the first flight out in the morning, it’s very early and they haven’t had their coffee, but come on. A simple acknowledgment of remorse or even a veiled attempt at an apology would have gone a long way.

So there it is. My judgement of her right now? Bad person.

And now I have to sit here with a soggy floor and the smell of stale coffee lingering for the next 5.5 hours. AMA. lol.

UPDATE
It’s been roughly two hours since we took off. Still no apology to me however she did find it in her cold, dead heart to say thank you multiple times to the flight attendant who brought her a stream of mimosas during breakfast before she conked out, with her head leaning awkwardly against the window.

I have half a mind to “accidentally” knock over my water into her lap as I get up to use the restroom.

I won’t, but I want to.

Had a similar, but completely opposite experience a few trips ago. I was the first-class window seat and he was aisle. We had about a 40-minute wait while they de-iced the plane and during this time, he elbowed his soda off the armrest which landed right in between us and spilled all over, including my pant leg and shoes. He immediately said, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry" and turned bright red out of embarrassment. He then walked up to the gally and got a bunch of paper towels and asked for a wet cloth. He handed the cloth to me "for your shoes" and then proceeded to get on hands and knees and soak up as much as he could. Once he decided the paper towels weren't going to get anymore up, he threw them away, came back and said, "that's not good enough, your shoes are going to be all sticky on the bottom if they sit in that", and proceeded to grab a towel out of his carry on and lay it on the floor under our feet.

We ended up having a great conversation on our 4-ish hour flight during which he offered to pay to dry clean my pants. I thanked him but turned him down as I was already planning on taking them to the cleaners when I got back. After the flight, he waited for me to clear the aisle before picking up his town and apologizing to the flight crew for the mess.

100% good person reaction.

Absolutely. Your outcome couldn’t have happened any different than mine. It just goes to show how different people are and their responses are dictated by nurture or nature.

 

[bryhamm]

I often look mad when I am not. It isn't my default or resting face but thinking, pain (I am usually in pain at some level), confused, etc and it looks like I am mad. I tend to scrunch my face a bit and my eyebrows angle quickly to a mad face. Also bad eyesight now as I get older so if I am looking at something same thing as I scrunch my face. A good portion of the time I probably am done of those people to you.

This made me think of another thing. A little off topic as it's not really about "tells" for good or bad traits.

But it's connected. The thought was more of what I said earlier - People are complicated.

LOTS of times we really have no idea what's going on with the other person.

I agree, how someone looks when they're at ease CAN be a tell. But clearly, as @Chadstroma shows, that's for sure not always the case.

Same with the person that cuts you off in traffic or replies rudely to a message board post. You most likely don't know what's going on with that person and why they're acting that way.

now you've gone too far

 

[Joe Bryant]

If a toddler smiles, waves, or says hello to you....

That's a good one.

 

[Joe Bryant]

I have been spending some time thinking through some things as my daughter is graduating Jr High from her small Catholic private school where the entire school has a few hundred kids from K-8th to a public HS that has about 3K students. I am planning on taking her to lunch sometime this summer and talking to her. I want to help her get ready for the huge learning curve she is about to experience. My wife went to the same school when she was a kid and then an all girls Catholic HS so I don't think she really understands but I went to public school and know that this will be a dramatic difference for my daughter. There are a lot of subjects I want to discuss with her but one of them is about the whole boys/girls thing and being prepared for dating. As much as I joke that she isn't allowed, I know it is coming.

One of the things I have been wanting to help her figure out is how to really determine if someone is a good person. We all know that there is a range of people out there and guys will range from being scum who want to use girls to good kids. As I really thought about this I was thinking of how are ways you can really tell because guys will act and say things to be a person that they are not in order to get what they want. I touched on something I remember thinking before that on way you could tell someone was a considerate, good person was if they took their shopping carts back in the collection points or just leave them. I thought about this more and started coming up with other things that are 'small' but are a good way to watch people that expose themselves for who they really are and now what they are presenting to you.

So, my questions- first, do you agree that you can find small things like that and really see whether a person is a decent person or self centered scum bag? If not, why and how do you otherwise determine someone to be good or not. If you do agree, what are other small things that you believe you can see someone character?

How they talk about people who aren't in the room.

If they stop to help someone who drops something/holds a door etc.

Please and thank yous.

Good ones.