Brother hasnt spoken to parents in a year (1 Viewer)

[msommer]

Id sleep with his wife.

At three hundred bills you are going to have to fight Christo for the privilege

 

[Brunell4MVP]

1. He never had anyone other than family until he met this beastly woman

2. She's basically a bully, but he doesn't see any better option

3. She's bullied him into thinking his family was his problem all along.

Answer...

a) He's not going to ditch her.  His chance was when she left him.  You could write him a letter, but I don't see it doing much good.  It may hit the trash before being read and the wife will just use it to up their animosity

b) Be there for your parents are best you can.  While his issues don't really effect you that much, they definitely would tear at the heart of a parent.  It sounds like that's how your dad is handing your mom.

 

[El Floppo]

There is nothing you can do to improve this but you can make it worse. 

Asking him to talk about it when you don't have a close relationship is just going to cause him to dig in to his position further. 

It it is not like he is going to self reflect and admit what is happening here.  

I am another person that is in the camp that if you don't want to be around someone you shouldn't....regardless of whether or not you are family. 

And even if you do choose to live that way you can't force others to.  He has made his decision, help your parents come to grips with it and maybe one day he will reconcile with them.  

why do you think that? IME, people who feel wronged usually want to explain themselves. 

and fwiw, I at least, am not recommending the two of them sit down and have a heart-to-heart. just ask his brother what's up, if that's that and if so why. not getting into any commentary or judgement- just asking the question and listening.

 

[mquinnjr]

The sister from Florida's husband limited her to one child.. she'd like more

The other sister who lives here is 31, unmarried, can't find anyone because she's a ####### anesthesiologist and wants to marry "up"... there's not much UP!, and knows her clock is ticking...  she resents my wife's stay at home with kids life.

I hear your sister to a certain degree, I'm an accountant for a F50 company. We have a defined benefit pension that I'm vested in on top of solid benefits, believe me when I say I discriminate/judge with that in the back of my mind since from a work perspective that I will not find elsewhere, it's a unicorn these days I know I'm lucky to have. My friends/family give me a hard time, but these are the same people we talk about in the Retirement Gamble thread "not getting it," finding someone in her range is a big-time and kinda/sorta necessary hedge making anesthesiologist scratch. Gamble and lose in a divorce in that scenario, personally I'm not sure I could handle forking over the keys to half of the future value of a defined benefit pension + 401k, etc. I've killed myself for my whole working life. Or just straight up leaving the job to spite the other person in that scenario, I've put too much blood/sweat into the work and internal political capital/network I've built over time.

I digress, no reason to shift blame/hatred someone else's way like your family members, totally uncalled for. If she's so unhappy with her personal life that she's taking it out on others, she needs a career audible to some degree if that accommodates a better home/personal life. She can't have it both or all ways, it's just the way it is. If what you're doing professionally ends in you mistreating anyone, especially family members, you are the issue and something you're doing personally has to change to turn the ship around.

 

[got_nugs]

Congrats on the son, btw. Didn't realize you were up to 3 now. 

I miss ###chat. :(  

No ####...kiddo #3?  congrats!  Lil l.beer probably already responds to trade offers faster than I do.

I'd try be close to my mother without bashing him in front of her.  You can disown him but she never will.  Before the sickly comment I was also in the whip his ### camp but seems like that's a no go.  If you feel the need to do something i'd convey the importance of him in your mothers life to your mother.  Not sure what else you can do.  Bummer.

 

[CurlyNight]

I've been in such situation. There's nothing you can do. In fact the more you advocate, the more he'll dig in his feet. It took 10 years in my situation and that was only because my grandmother passed and we were all forced together for the funeral. People made good but it's never the same. Holidays and birthdays are it for those involved with what's now 11 on top---so 21 years. Hell we'll take that. Unfortunately a tragedy is usually the only thing that may make someone budge. If they've been mia this long, not a good sign. Leave him be. You can all send emails to stay in touch, in fact continue doing that even if no answer. He's reading.. But don't say anything to do with the situation, just checking in and hope all is well, love and miss ya. That's it. Short and sweet.

 

[fred_1_15301]

Just tell your parents that their son is dead to them and vice versa. If they continue to waste their time trying to connect, that's their problem. 

Yeah it's that easy lol

 

[KCitons]

I have an older brother (oldest of 5 kids) that hasn't spoke to any of us for roughly 15 years. There was always arguments between him and my dad when we were growing up. He was always getting kicked out of the house. Things seemed to get better when he was in his mid-20's, but then a few different things occurred and he stopped talking to any of us. Everyone tried talking to him over the last decade, but he just doesn't care about any of us. So, I moved on. 

Oddly enough, my Mom and Dad discussed their will couple of years ago. They want everything split 5 ways. I told them I don't understand why, but it's their wish. As executor, I will carry it out. 

 

[comfortably numb]

I have an older brother (oldest of 5 kids) that hasn't spoke to any of us for roughly 15 years. There was always arguments between him and my dad when we were growing up. He was always getting kicked out of the house. Things seemed to get better when he was in his mid-20's, but then a few different things occurred and he stopped talking to any of us. Everyone tried talking to him over the last decade, but he just doesn't care about any of us. So, I moved on. 

Oddly enough, my Mom and Dad discussed their will couple of years ago. They want everything split 5 ways. I told them I don't understand why, but it's their wish. As executor, I will carry it out. 

That's gonna be fun, when you reach out to tell him and he feels entitled to more than 1/5th

 

[CurlyNight]

Parents usually love their kids unconditionally. It's not like a sibling relationship.

 

[Zow]

 What would it hurt?

Of course if his wife has poisoned him this badly already you probably won't convince him of anything.  I'd just do it to be "on the record".

ugh

 

[Zow]

I think that's the key. I can only begin to imagine the level of insanity and acting out on it that would ensue for a married woman who can't have children in the presence of other family members with kids to share and love with the grand parents. It's not the GP's playing favorites, they're caring for the kids that are around. It's the absence of their own kids to balance that's a constant reminder to women like your sisters that "they're lacking." Guess who gets to deal with the fallout of that insanity? The male of her home. You know how that goes when it turns to picking a side if it goes there, too. Fall in line or...else.

What you're describing was my prior situation.  It absolutely sucks and I get the initial resentment (our niece's and nephew's birthdays were especially tough), but I think just a decent person realizes it's nobody's fault and tries to suck it up.  And there are other options if you cannot physically have children; one of them being to be an awesome aunt/uncle. 

 

[msudaisy26]

It is really sad about your brother, but sometimes there is nothing you can do and you have to move on.

I have went through this once already in my life with my father and brother, I talked to them once in the last 9 years and it was when my grandmother died. Neither of them showed up to my wedding, I used to send them Christmas cards and birthday cards every year and would get them sent back, it took me 5 years before I gave up.

I am currently going through this 2nd hand with my husband and his family, until about 2 years ago they were a tight knit family, I mean really close, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents would all hang out many times a year for gatherings, call each other, show up on birthdays, and many other things. Then some drama started and people started choosing sides and it has gotten ugly. We used to hang out with my sister in law at least a couple times a month and let the kids play together, my husband hasn't even talked to his sister in 8 months and doesn't plan too.

 

[KCitons]

That's gonna be fun, when you reach out to tell him and he feels entitled to more than 1/5th

Yeah. At the time, I started thinking about how I could make things miserable for him. At this point, I don't care. Whatever it takes to spend the least amount of time with him is worth it. He's not married. No kids. No girlfriend (that I know of). He's the one missing out on having a family, not me. 

 

[Joe Summer]

Wow what pansy. I bet he sits down to pee.

My uncle was a Vietnam vet. In retrospect he was probably suffering from PTSD. My grandfather was a classic old school disciplinarian, and my uncle was a typical rebellious teen. He actually joined the army to escape my grandfather's beatings. When he got back, he was a changed person, always bitter and angry. He managed to have a decent relationship with my grandparents (and me and my family) but I think the bitterness always stayed just under the surface until it boiled over that one Christmas.

 

[Paulymaggs]

Guessing theres way more that happened between your mother and brother to cause him to dismiss her in front of his house like that.

Without hearing your brothers side of this whole story, i wouldn't get involved.

 

[Boston]

For you youngsters out there the overall lesson to be learned is the older you get the more you realize every family has it's baggage (regardless of how good things may appear from the outside)...it truly is amazing how F'd up some people are...I don't know how some people can look themselves in the mirror and not see what a piece of trash they are...

 

[Jobber]

Forget about Kip. Take extra care to become closer to your parents to help lessen the gap he left.

 

[Ghost Rider]

What a mess. 

Your brother sounds like gutless, and his wife sounds vile.  I feel bad for your parents. :(

I do think close family should find out about a pregnancy with a call or text at least, not on FB like everyone else, but that doesn't excuse behavior like has taken place. 

 

[OrtonToOlsen]

ugh

I'm just saying

 

[Don't Noonan]

Something similar happened in my family. My uncle complained about the Christmas present that I received from my grandparents (he said it was nicer than whatever my grandparents had given to his kids. I don't even remember what it was, but it was probably something like socks or underwear). My grandfather responded by saying, "Well, maybe if you brought your kids to see us more than twice a year, you'd get nicer presents."

And that was that. My uncle never talked to my grandparents again, and he never talked to my parents OR me again. His kids were 10-12 years old at the time so they never saw their grandparents again.

This reminds me of a funny situation growing up.  My aunt and uncle gave gift cards to me, my brother and sister for Christmas one year.  My sister opened hers 1st and got a gift card for $10.  I opened mine next and got a gift card for $20.  My brother opened his last and got a gift card for $5.  Hilarity ensued.  

My aunt and uncle are very sweet but not the brightest of the bunch.  My parents figured they went to Sears and gave them $35 and asked for 3 gift cards.

 

[Johnny Rock]

Perhaps he is under this lady's thumb.

I wouldn't write him off.  Even if it's just for your mom's sake.  I'd communicate to him that when he is ready we will be there for him.  Meaning when things go down in flames with his beast.  

Being 130 and picked on, is there a chance he's being abused? I'd say yes. Even if you're not close it's worth trying to at least remain there for him if he needs you.

I was questioning whether abuse may not be a factor because beast was out of town when brother left Mom outside. But if it's truly abusive he wouldn't be able to turn it off in order to let Mom in; he'd still be under her control whether she was there or not. GL. 

 

[the rover]

Being 130 and picked on, is there a chance he's being abused? I'd say yes. Even if you're not close it's worth trying to at least remain there for him if he needs you.

I was questioning whether abuse may not be a factor because beast was out of town when brother left Mom outside. But if it's truly abusive he wouldn't be able to turn it off in order to let Mom in; he'd still be under her control whether she was there or not. GL. 

what if it was mom who was abusive?

 

[OrtonToOlsen]

Honestly?

Family is overrated 

 

[RUSF18]

Guessing theres way more that happened between your mother and brother to cause him to dismiss her in front of his house like that.

Without hearing your brothers side of this whole story, i wouldn't get involved.

If only there was a way to hear his brother's side...

 

[Ned]

Yeah. At the time, I started thinking about how I could make things miserable for him. At this point, I don't care. Whatever it takes to spend the least amount of time with him is worth it. He's not married. No kids. No girlfriend (that I know of). He's the one missing out on having a family, not me. 

Being executor is a miserable experience - don't add to your own misery.

 

[AAABatteries]

It seems utterly insane to me that grown-### adult siblings would expend any energy worrying about who Mom and Dad "favor." Just seems bizarre to me once everyone's out of the house and has their own lives.

I understand your point but it is a big deal with lots of people.  "You went to Jonny's game why didn't you come to Sally's recital."  #### like that happens a lot and without generalizing too much it's typically started by the women in the family.

Its even worse when one sibling is in another city/state because it's just going to happen.  And ####### Facebook makes it worse too.

I have what I consider to be a levelheaded, cool wife but occasionally that jealousy will creep in when the MIL fixes dinner for the SIL and her family.  I tell her she's nuts and who cares.

 

[Spike]

exactly.

he's your only brother- life's too short for this immature bs.

I'm sorry but I disagree.  If someone clearly is stating he is a ######, why not treat him that way?

Life is too short to put up with people for their immature bs.

 

[AAABatteries]

Yep.   I'd like to think I'm a good enough parent that my daughter will want me to be part of her life.   But when she's an adult, that's her decision.   I hope I've earned her love and respect.  But as an adult, I have no entitlement to demand either.

People don't generally don't cut off their families without a reason, unless they just drift apart over time.  This is an intentional decision by an adult couple.   

I don't necessarily disagree but I'd be happy to let him know he can go #### himself for treating our mother that way. 

 

[Spike]

He and cujo have been married longer. We're not that close. I dont dislike him, just wouldnt be friends with him if we werent related. My wife and his got along ok. There was no big fight or anything. His wife is just an unlikeable person. That over loud fat chick who annoys everyone. After she posted that my daughters birth broke the family apart, my wife doesnt want either around the kids ever again. I think it has to do with a lot of things but this gave her an excuse. Shes just an awful person who i think is miserable herself. As far as him, i think he blames my parents for a lot. Theyve always been there for him though. He and my mom were inseperable for a long time before the wife.

I would be 100% behind this.

 

[Spike]

I have an older brother (oldest of 5 kids) that hasn't spoke to any of us for roughly 15 years. There was always arguments between him and my dad when we were growing up. He was always getting kicked out of the house. Things seemed to get better when he was in his mid-20's, but then a few different things occurred and he stopped talking to any of us. Everyone tried talking to him over the last decade, but he just doesn't care about any of us. So, I moved on. 

Oddly enough, my Mom and Dad discussed their will couple of years ago. They want everything split 5 ways. I told them I don't understand why, but it's their wish. As executor, I will carry it out. 

I'm in essentially the exact same situation except there are 3 of us (the older brother is the black sheep, I'm the middle), except there were no "incidents" to explain my brother's crappy treatment of my parents.

 

[[scooter]]

After she posted that my daughters birth broke the family apart, my wife doesnt want either around the kids ever again.

Is that what she really said? Was she complaining about your daughter's birth, or complaining about how the grandparents behaved after your daughter's birth? Because those are two different things.

 

[fruity pebbles]

Is that what she really said? Was she complaining about your daughter's birth, or complaining about how the grandparents behaved after your daughter's birth? Because those are two different things.

She just said that date as the day the family started splitting apart. So i guess the former led to the latter in her mind.

 

[fruity pebbles]

We see my parents a few times a year given we're 400 miles away. they used to be over my parents house for dinner one a month.

 

[Jobber]

We see my parents a few times a year given we're 400 miles away. they used to be over my parents house for dinner one a month.

That there is probably the real reason. Hamplanet doesn't like the food your parents serve.

 

[Harry Manback]

Is there some reason she's entitled to have contact with them if they don't want it?  They're adults.  They don't want to be part of the family.  They've made it clear.

Again, what's the point?  To tell him that he should change his mind on what's obviously an intentional decision?  These aren't children.  Nobody has to have contact with people they don't want to see just because they are related.

If my brother called me to tell me I had to have contact with my parents, I'd tell him to #### off and probably lose contact with him as well.

If my brother was comfortable putting our mother through anguish I'd tell him to #### off and lose contact myself.

 

[parasaurolophus]

I understand your point but it is a big deal with lots of people.  "You went to Jonny's game why didn't you come to Sally's recital."  #### like that happens a lot and without generalizing too much it's typically started by the women in the family.

Its even worse when one sibling is in another city/state because it's just going to happen.  And ####### Facebook makes it worse too.

I have what I consider to be a levelheaded, cool wife but occasionally that jealousy will creep in when the MIL fixes dinner for the SIL and her family.  I tell her she's nuts and who cares.

Can relate to this for sure. The women get upset about the dumbest stuff. I stopped letting it bother me long ago.

My sister never graduated college. She went for 5 years. She told everybody she graduated, but she decided she wasn't going to walk in the ceremony (i didnt walk either and know lots of people that havent so it didnt raise any flags for me). She had a gathering at a restaurant to celebrate. I was not able to drive in for her celebration dinner. I had to work late that evening and had to be back at work at 6am, so I just couldn't make the drive. I was running my own painting business and was way behind due to two straight weeks of rain. The women in the family were quite upset with me that I couldn't make it, including my sister. Turned into a huge fiasco.

I had zero guilt about not making it. I was working 16 hours a day and was running ragged. I actually made my sister's tuition payment that semester since my dad couldn't.

It was years later I learned that she never graduated.I called the school to get degree verification. Back then it was much easier to do. You just picked up the phone. I remember my first thought was I couldnt believe how my sister was mad at me for not coming to her sham dinner and how she let me take a beating from the family for not coming.

 

[Sabertooth]

Good lord.

Oh my.  He's probably still getting picked on daily.  Unfortunately for him, unless he stands up for himself, he's probably just going to have a miserable life.  

 

[Coeur de Lion]

I understand your point but it is a big deal with lots of people.  "You went to Jonny's game why didn't you come to Sally's recital."  #### like that happens a lot and without generalizing too much it's typically started by the women in the family.

Its even worse when one sibling is in another city/state because it's just going to happen.  And ####### Facebook makes it worse too.

I have what I consider to be a levelheaded, cool wife but occasionally that jealousy will creep in when the MIL fixes dinner for the SIL and her family.  I tell her she's nuts and who cares.

Yeah, maybe I'm just lucky to have two completely sane brothers and sane parents and in-laws, but I can't imagine even keeping track of who shows up for what kid's event, or who has someone over for dinner. We all do what we can, we tend to invite everyone to all the events, and no one cares if someone misses a volleyball game or something because everyone is busy.

 

[Sabertooth]

Can relate to this for sure. The women get upset about the dumbest stuff. I stopped letting it bother me long ago.

My sister never graduated college. She went for 5 years. She told everybody she graduated, but she decided she wasn't going to walk in the ceremony (i didnt walk either and know lots of people that havent so it didnt raise any flags for me). She had a gathering at a restaurant to celebrate. I was not able to drive in for her celebration dinner. I had to work late that evening and had to be back at work at 6am, so I just couldn't make the drive. I was running my own painting business and was way behind due to two straight weeks of rain. The women in the family were quite upset with me that I couldn't make it, including my sister. Turned into a huge fiasco.

I had zero guilt about not making it. I was working 16 hours a day and was running ragged. I actually made my sister's tuition payment that semester since my dad couldn't.

It was years later I learned that she never graduated.I called the school to get degree verification. Back then it was much easier to do. You just picked up the phone. I remember my first thought was I couldnt believe how my sister was mad at me for not coming to her sham dinner and how she let me take a beating from the family for not coming.

The solipsism of women knows no bounds.  

 

[Osaurus]

Can relate to this for sure. The women get upset about the dumbest stuff. I stopped letting it bother me long ago.

My sister never graduated college. She went for 5 years. She told everybody she graduated, but she decided she wasn't going to walk in the ceremony (i didnt walk either and know lots of people that havent so it didnt raise any flags for me). She had a gathering at a restaurant to celebrate. I was not able to drive in for her celebration dinner. I had to work late that evening and had to be back at work at 6am, so I just couldn't make the drive. I was running my own painting business and was way behind due to two straight weeks of rain. The women in the family were quite upset with me that I couldn't make it, including my sister. Turned into a huge fiasco.

I had zero guilt about not making it. I was working 16 hours a day and was running ragged. I actually made my sister's tuition payment that semester since my dad couldn't.

It was years later I learned that she never graduated.I called the school to get degree verification. Back then it was much easier to do. You just picked up the phone. I remember my first thought was I couldnt believe how my sister was mad at me for not coming to her sham dinner and how she let me take a beating from the family for not coming.

Dang

 

[Kanil]

May i ask what happened?

PM sent

 

[SteelCurtain]

Tell me more about the Celtics tickets. 

 

[OrtonToOlsen]

Can relate to this for sure. The women get upset about the dumbest stuff. I stopped letting it bother me long ago.

My sister never graduated college. She went for 5 years. She told everybody she graduated, but she decided she wasn't going to walk in the ceremony (i didnt walk either and know lots of people that havent so it didnt raise any flags for me). She had a gathering at a restaurant to celebrate. I was not able to drive in for her celebration dinner. I had to work late that evening and had to be back at work at 6am, so I just couldn't make the drive. I was running my own painting business and was way behind due to two straight weeks of rain. The women in the family were quite upset with me that I couldn't make it, including my sister. Turned into a huge fiasco.

I had zero guilt about not making it. I was working 16 hours a day and was running ragged. I actually made my sister's tuition payment that semester since my dad couldn't.

It was years later I learned that she never graduated.I called the school to get degree verification. Back then it was much easier to do. You just picked up the phone. I remember my first thought was I couldnt believe how my sister was mad at me for not coming to her sham dinner and how she let me take a beating from the family for not coming.

Your sister and my sister sound like...sisters.

My wife and I got married at the courthouse in sort of a hurry (wink-wink).  Since my wife's family all live several hours away and could not attend we decided to just do it alone.

 None of my family, none of her family.  That seemed fair to us.  

Nobody cared...except for my sister.  "I'm not invited to my own brother's wedding!?!"  Yeah, neither was anyone else.  It still bugs her 24 years later.  But my brothers have made up for it I guess.  One of them has been married twice while the other one is doing it for the third time in May.  

 

[fruity pebbles]

Tell me more about the Celtics tickets. 

That pissed me off as much as anything. I know they didnt go, so they either wasted them or sold them.

 

[NutterButter]

That really stinks for your parents.   I have 3 siblings (2 who I see on occasion and 1 I'll never speak to again) and it wouldn't matter to me if I never spoke to any of them again.  But to not be on speaking terms with one of my daughters would just blow.   Then you throw grandkids into the mix.   Maybe its b/c they're only 7 and 10 and I have high hopes for being close to them at that stage of our lives which might not be grounded in reality.   

 

[El Floppo]

exactly.

he's your only brother- life's too short for this immature bs.

I'm sorry but I disagree.  If someone clearly is stating he is a ######, why not treat him that way?

Life is too short to put up with people for their immature bs.

I don't believe in walking away from friends or family without at least a discussion. after that? vaya con nachos.

fwiw- the immature bs I was referencing was the brother and SIL's.,.. not the OP. cowardly and immature to play the silent treatment game.

 

[CurlyNight]

I'm sorry but I disagree.  If someone clearly is stating he is a ######, why not treat him that way?

Life is too short to put up with people for their immature bs.

Because by treating him like such gives 0 hope that he will ever come around? Hate creates more hate. I have an uncle that did me the most wrong in the world. Was out to make his life miserable to get back at him. What did it do? Make it more miserable for me. So I cut off seeing him and his (innocent) fam. My fam those I told didn't believe me so there's a wedge there among other things since. I haven't seen any of them except mom once, dad once, and bro (is the only one who can see me when he wants) since 2014. But I do read the emails and do respond if they contact me. Will I come around some day? Don't know. But if they don't stay in touch with me via email and cards like they are doing then what are the chances I'm going to show up on their doorstep like they hope and pray I do some day? 

Don't make it worse. The bro is not on cloud 9. He most likely has depression and anxiety to boot--- AND we don't know complete history starting from childhood #### that stays with you and up to now. His mom would do well to just email him, send him birthday cards without making him feel guilty. My mom knows if she guilt trips me then it pushes me further back. Bro has been an incredible mediator because she is a know it all and everything is black and white. Don't get me wrong, she's very loving and caring- but we just don't gel. Bro is able to gel with everyone cuz he's just that kind of person but I'm not quite like him. I don't forget. So yeah, I'm choosing to do this for my own mental health but in no way am I feeling better in other ways because bottom line, I love my fam and miss some things with them. And now that my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer which bro just informed me 2 days after my surgery on Sun, I am rethinking my stance of not seeing her around xmas time when she's here for 2 weeks. Hair is very short but it could be I just chopped it. I don't look well right now, still have drains- but maybe after xmas/early new year toward the end of her trip she and bro can come over with Anna to do a quick lunch. Bro has to remind her what not to say and all but it did work in 2014, the last time I saw her.

So bottom line, let him be. His life is not good. Why be vindictive and add to it. And you think the mom wants anyone to make his life more miserable? Hell no. Despite it all, he's still her kid and loves him. She just needs to do what she needs to do to adapt. Never did I think my mom would leave me be like she is now. Wow. So if you want 0 chance of this thing changing around some day, then make his life more miserable (and your mom's) and don't wait for him to show up when a loved one is on their death bed.