CHAD JOHNSON
Wide Receiver/Entertainer/Life Coach
Objectives:
* Obtain a starting wide receiver position for a contender in the National Football League.
* Continue to put fools on notice.
Experience:
* Santa Monica Junior College — 1997-2000 Can you imagine me and Steve Smith on the same side of the field? But who would ever want to throw him the ball? That guy's like five-one.
* Oregon State University — 2000-2001 Me and Housh were unstoppable, even in college. But who would ever want to throw him the ball? That guy's name is so hard to pronounce.
* Cincinnati Bengals — 2001-Present (Kinda) Playing with Chris Henry was great. He can be a real impact player. But who would ever want to throw him the ball? That guy is always so … incarcerated.
Qualifications:
* Knowledge of Spanish covering, but not limited to, the numbers 8 and 5.
* Teeth 340% more jewel-encrusted than the average American's. Visible from space.
* Speed > that of a horse
* 5 years ballet and 3 years jazz/tap at Miss Anna's School for Dance in Miami, FL
About Me:
* God put me on this earth to entertain. Whether it in the end zone or on stage at the Dade County Community Theater, where I reprised my show-stopping portrayal of Tevya in Fiddler last spring, I am destined to be in the spotlight.
* I need a team that's going to give me the freedom to be myself and, of course, pay handsomely for my services. Can anyone truly be happy without a midget butler? Of course not.
* I'm also available to appear at kids birthday parties for a nominal fee. If you think I'm good at working DBs, just wait until you see me work a balloon animal. I make snakes like you wouldn't believe.
References:
* Marvin Lewis
* Carson Palmer
* Madieu Williams
* Mom
