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Do you have any gay family or friends? If so, how did you handle it? (1 Viewer)

Gachi

Gachi

Footballguy
As I've mentioned before, I'm a gay African-American male. Football and food are my favorite things in the world. I'm 6'5 and a former o-linemen. For all intents and purposes I'm a normal guy, who happens to like other guys.

Last year I did something I never thought I would do, I told my brother that I was gay. He was very confused as to why I'm not attracted to women, and he's not fond of it. However, even though he doesn't like the fact that his little brother is gay he said he still loves me, which is all I cared about. I don't expect people to "understand" homosexuality (even though it's a relatively simple concept), I just don't want to be treated fairly.

Anywho, I'm curious to you guys' personal experiences. Before they came out did you already have suspicions? Did you look at them differently? Did it cause any kinds of rifts?

 
None in my immediate family. Only one distant cousin that I met once 20 years ago.

I have a friend who has like 8 gay cousins. She comes from a very hardcore catholic family that turned in to a generation of homosexuals.

 
Had a good friend come out recently. Honestly we all always suspected it. Never dated. Always had an excuse for not hitting on a chick, etc.

Don't treat him any differently. Only time its awkward is when he asks his guy friends for advice when he's seeing somebody. I'm always like, " Dude, talk to a chick about this. I don't have any answers."

 
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I've had many lesbian friends for 20+ years. I handled it by not sleeping with them, because I'm not a lesbian. Other than that, not sure what there is for me to handle.

 
This has happened a couple times. Most recently another friend of mine who is more on the social media side of things said, "why does FourSquare show [our friend] Xyz at Abc Bar in the Quarter for gay trivia night?" (that's a thing apparently). - So about a week later this friend of ours came out at the fantasy football draft party, we drafted and went about our business. At one point someone made a joke that got booed down. All was well. - Yeah he never did actually hit on a girl and he had some cute ones around him, and actually they were more than likely to hang all over him, maybe they knew already.

 
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I have a lesbian cousin who came out 25 years ago. The family was generally supportive.

As for friends, I live in San Francisco. People come out as straight around here.

 
My uncle is gay, it's kind of awkward. He's been married to women twice after prancing around with other men for a handful of years. So he's claiming to be straight now.

Kind of reinforces my idea that people can pretty much choose to do whatever they want. How do you just flip flop like that if you weren't making a conscious decision the whole time?

 
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Wife told me she was gay 15 years ago. We divorced shortly after. I still deal with her because of the kids. Wish I didn't have too. Not because of being gay, but she can be a real pita. But I will admit, over the past 15 years, she has been the better parent than I was some of the time

 
My brother is gay. He came out to my wife and I when we were calling him to tell him we were engaged. Always suspected it.

 
I have a female cousin, Twila, three years older than I, who is gay.

I asked my mom if she remembered how old Twila was when my mom realized Twila was gay.

She said, "About 10."

They were called tomboys back then. All I knew at the time was Twila was good at sports and always wore pants.

 
badmojo1006 said:
Wife told me she was gay 15 years ago. We divorced shortly after. I still deal with her because of the kids. Wish I didn't have too. Not because of being gay, but she can be a real pita. But I will admit, over the past 15 years, she has been the better parent than I was some of the time
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Much less of an issue than yours, but I have an ex-boyfriend (dated for two years in law school) who is gay and recently became the parent to twins with his partner. I adore his partner and couldn't be happier for them, but your situation is of course more complicated.

I never suspected he was gay, but when he came out to me he thought I wasn't going to be surprised. :shrug: Looking back, maybe I should have known that his kissing his good (male) buddy on the lips in greeting was a little unusual.

 
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All the gay people I know have been out as long as I've known them. I had friends in the past that I suspected were and wouldn't be surprised if they were out now. Living in NY, and working in the event industry, probably about 20% of the people I work for are.

 
About 15 years ago one of my friends came out at a TGIFs at a table full of all his friends. We all immediately started cracking up and made fun of him until we realized he was serious. Over the next few weeks we started avoiding him and the few times we hung out with him made a bunch of gay jokes. Then we all basically stopped talking to him.

Not a day goes by that I dont regret how I handled the situation. I wasnt really close to him but always felt like a horses ###. I was young and immature. A few years after that I reached put to him and apologized and he forgave me. Then we found out he had a 45 yr old gf and he was in his mid 20s. So yeah he was a confused guy.

 
shadyridr said:
About 15 years ago one of my friends came out at a TGIFs at a table full of all his friends. We all immediately started cracking up and made fun of him until we realized he was serious. Over the next few weeks we started avoiding him and the few times we hung out with him made a bunch of gay jokes. Then we all basically stopped talking to him.

Not a day goes by that I dont regret how I handled the situation. I wasnt really close to him but always felt like a horses ###. I was young and immature. A few years after that I reached put to him and apologized and he forgave me. Then we found out he had a 45 yr old gf and he was in his mid 20s. So yeah he was a confused guy.
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Super harsh bro

 
My niece has never came out and said it, but when she brings her girlfriend over it is pretty obvious. It is no big deal at all.

 
My niece came out about 2 years ago, left her husband for a girl she'd been close to since high school. The girlfriend had been out as long as we (family) knew her, but for some reason the only person that had a clue was my wife because my niece confided in her. Our family is pretty devout and it kinda rocked most of us, I think more because she left her husband but obviously partly because of her coming out. 2 little kids involved didn't help with the transition going smoothly, nor did her husband's trouble dealing with it. He'd always been very well liked by all of us. Since then he has understandably distanced himself from our whole family.

Anyway, my brother-in-law didn't deal well with it at all. Caused a major wound in his daughter by how he handled it. I'm one of those ignorant people who still believes that there are some lifestyles that are immoral or incorrect, but my wife and I knew immediately that we would treat my niece the same as always. I mean, we have our own immoral and incorrect crap we deal with every day, so who are we to judge? We also knew we'd treat her partner the way we always had, except become MORE loving and welcoming since we now consider her our niece as well. They told us a few months ago that the first time we were all together as a family, when they came in the room and I stood up and hugged and kissed each of them on the cheek and told them I love them, that was the first time they thought maybe everything was going to be ok for them in our family. And thankfully the grandparents, aunts/uncles, and most of all parents have learned how to treat both of my nieces lovingly and with respect and dignity. I like to think my wife and I have had a lot to do with setting the example in that. Sorry if this comes off sounding self-righteous or "look at me." It's just been a big deal for us so it feels good to feel like I've actually done something right for once. :)

 
shadyridr said:
About 15 years ago one of my friends came out at a TGIFs at a table full of all his friends. We all immediately started cracking up and made fun of him until we realized he was serious. Over the next few weeks we started avoiding him and the few times we hung out with him made a bunch of gay jokes. Then we all basically stopped talking to him.

Not a day goes by that I dont regret how I handled the situation. I wasnt really close to him but always felt like a horses ###. I was young and immature. A few years after that I reached put to him and apologized and he forgave me. Then we found out he had a 45 yr old gf and he was in his mid 20s. So yeah he was a confused guy.
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Good for you. We were all young and dumb once. Takes some guts to admit we've done things we regret, and more guts to ask forgiveness.

 
Guy I used to freebase with came out as gay and started hitting on me while he was high.

I was freebasing so I took it in stride and just told him he was barking up the wrong tree. I didnt stop hanging out with him since he knew all the dealers.

Eventually we stopped getting high and went our seperate ways.

Ran in to him on thr subway years later. He just had a kid with a woman hr was living with and had steady work in construction.

 
Gachi said:
As I've mentioned before, I'm a gay African-American male. Football and food are my favorite things in the world. I'm 6'5 and a former o-linemen. For all intents and purposes I'm a normal guy, who happens to like other guys.

Last year I did something I never thought I would do, I told my brother that I was gay. He was very confused as to why I'm not attracted to women, and he's not fond of it. However, even though he doesn't like the fact that his little brother is gay he said he still loves me, which is all I cared about. I don't expect people to "understand" homosexuality (even though it's a relatively simple concept), I just don't want to be treated fairly.

Anywho, I'm curious to you guys' personal experiences. Before they came out did you already have suspicions? Did you look at them differently? Did it cause any kinds of rifts?
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You are going to set the gays back years with that attitude.

 
MC Gas Money said:
Guy I used to freebase with came out as gay and started hitting on me while he was high.

I was freebasing so I took it in stride and just told him he was barking up the wrong tree. I didnt stop hanging out with him since he knew all the dealers.

Eventually we stopped getting high and went our seperate ways.

Ran in to him on thr subway years later. He just had a kid with a woman hr was living with and had steady work in construction.
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Sure, freebasing that #### in your ###.

 
My grandmother is a lesbian. Didn't come out until after she had four kids and had been married for 25+ years, just before I was born. Couldn't live the lie anymore, I guess. My family did not take it well. My grandfather took his own life not long after she left and many in my family will never forgive my grandmother for that. They didn't disown her, but no one in my family has ever actually spoken the fact that she is a lesbian. I pieced it together in my early teens after finding a book at her place and realizing the slow chain of female "friends" my parents referenced were something more. She never found someone long term after my grandfather died, and I think that's in no small part due to the low profile hostility of my extended family towards the whole situation. Regardless of everything, I love my grandmother and wish she would have been able to live the life she wanted from the start, even if that would mean I would never be born.

 
MC Gas Money said:
Guy I used to freebase with came out as gay and started hitting on me while he was high.

I was freebasing so I took it in stride and just told him he was barking up the wrong tree. I didnt stop hanging out with him since he knew all the dealers.

Eventually we stopped getting high and went our seperate ways.

Ran in to him on thr subway years later. He just had a kid with a woman hr was living with and had steady work in construction.
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This him?

To answer the OP - my wife's brother is gay and I've known/worked with several gays/lesbians (probably more than I know about since it's none of my business). And as someone said above, I "handle" it by treating the same as I would/did if I didn't know.

Not sure I've know anyone *when* they came out, though. My best friend's wife came out (to him) a few years and 2 kids into their marriage.

 
Eminence said:
My uncle is gay, it's kind of awkward. He's been married to women twice after prancing around with other men for a handful of years. So he's claiming to be straight now.

Kind of reinforces my idea that people can pretty much choose to do whatever they want. How do you just flip flop like that if you weren't making a conscious decision the whole time?
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So it is hereditary.

 
My first college roommate came out a couple of years after graduation, which was no giant surprise to anyone except that it was in the early 80s when that still took a considerable amount of courage. Having grown up in a very traditional home, this was a great learning experience. I just figured that he was my friend before, he'd be my friend from then on and that's the way it was.

By the time my daughter married her long time girlfriend last summer, it was hardly any kind of deal at all. Our entire extended family attended a great wedding and I got a little drunk and danced (badly) just like I did at my older straight daughter's wedding a few years earlier.

We're just one big happy. It's unfathomable to me how people can turn their backs on their loved ones who have a different sexual orientation.

 
I have a half-sister who I knew was gay when we were kids.

She dated boys until she was around 24.

It was never a choice. She just was subjected and acquiesced to social pressure.

She has been happily married for over a decade to a woman.

 
GOB said:
Eminence said:
My uncle is gay, it's kind of awkward. He's been married to women twice after prancing around with other men for a handful of years. So he's claiming to be straight now.

Kind of reinforces my idea that people can pretty much choose to do whatever they want. How do you just flip flop like that if you weren't making a conscious decision the whole time?
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So it is hereditary.
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:lol:

 
TripItUp said:
FlapJacks said:
ChiefD said:
Treat em the same way I did before I knew they were gay.
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This
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I'd agree with this, but I would also say that having this new information opens up additional conversations that you might not have had previously.

i.e. if one of my friends becomes a new parent, and I don't have kids, I might ask parenting questions. Knowing that you are gay may bring up conversations about civil rights or other perspectives I may not ordinarily be privy to. I think we have different conversations with different friends based on the unique qualities of the person we are talking to.

Does that mean I am "treating" you differently? Guess it depends on how you define it.

 
Eephus said:
I have a lesbian cousin who came out 25 years ago. The family was generally supportive.

As for friends, I live in San Francisco. People come out as straight around here.
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I have many gay friends as well (I also live in sf). Good for you to have the courage to embrace who you are. There is absolutely no reason you should be treated any differently. Good luck and don't let anyone put you down. If they do, take comfort that the are small minded idiots.
 
No family members or current close friends. It just isn't common yet in my field. I know a few, but it isn't something we talk about. For that matter we don't talk much about our other sexual relationships either.

We had a few friends in college who were homosexual. Only issue we had was when I shared a suite, I was on one side as an RA, my buddy was assigned a roommate who was gay. That didn't work out, I don't think my buddy said anything but he obviously didn't like it. Neither of them brought people back to the room but our gay friend moved out after the first semester, into a house with 4 lesbians.

 
My sister is a lesbian, although there's never been an official announcement to my knowledge. She brings her partner to all family gatherings and its just kind of understood. All of my kids call the partner aunt. My parents have never said anything but they can't be that clueless to believe she's just my sisters roommate.

 
Spent a lot of time working restaurants so yeah a pretty good number of gay friends. Treat them like I do everyone else.

 
I buy them beer...but only if they buy the first round. Just like everybody else.

I also wanna force gay people to get married. I'm sick of them getting a free ride. They should be miserable like me.

 
I'm more interested in if any of our gay FBGs have ever had a gay friend come out as straight. Now that'd be a 21st century shocker.

 
I know two confirmed gay folks - a few that I may suspect, but thats another story.

The first was a roommate of mine in college. Really funny guy, we always just thought he was quirky. He never dated girls in college, but it was engineering school so that really wasn't all that odd. I do remember one time - we were sitting around, shooting the ####, and someone passed around a playboy...my buddy started making wisecracks about some centerfold's toes - it was funny, we all laughed. In hindsight, it makes a little more sense.

The other is a female MMA fighter in the gym I go to. She never hid it and it's been pretty obvious since day one. She's awesome - we have hung out and oogled the ring-girls at local MMA events before; it's kind of cool to get a lesbians perspective on hot chicks.

 
I have several gay friends and a lesbian cousin.

My little brother, whom I consider to be one of my best friends, came out to me about 5 years ago now. I had suspected it for awhile and it hasn't changed our relationship one bit. Our entire family has been extremely accepting of everything, and I think that him coming out helped spur my cousin into coming out as well.

He'll be the best man in my wedding this fall. I look forward to someday being the best man in his wedding, once he and his boyfriend tie the knot. Will be one of the happiest days of my life.

 
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