Draft Night One Liners (1 Viewer)

[ocstallions]

Lots of good ones in here, loved the cheerleader one. A couple more generic ones:

"Isn't he in jail?"

"Is he still alive?"

"We're using CFL players, too?"

"He'll be good until his trial begins" (works best when you see a guy is surprised a particular player fell to him)

 

[Tillmanisahero]

"He was great before that Thyroid problem"

 

[videoguy505]

2001, one of my opponents selected a guy that had had a season-ending injury in the preseason game a few days before. After the laughter died down, "Don't worry, Korey Stringer's still available."

 

[djdano]

I wish I could find the early-season magazine that had an entire page of Smack Talk for each specific player, with the players listed alphabetically so you could Smack Talk quickly! I threw the magazines away when training camps started, but I wish I could remember which mag it was. (ESPN?)

Anyway ... here's my favorite line from that page ....

"Great WR choice ... I think I'll be taking MARY-KATE Lelie with my next pick!"

Please post if you know which magazine had this alphabetized smack talk! - Thanks!

 

[Bristol]

After reading this thread, I realize that there are very few funny people on this board. I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

 

[joey]

we simply say "nice pick" when someone makes a questionable call.

the funny thing is, after 10+ years of this particular league, we can't

tell if someone is really saying "nice pick" or if they mean "nice pick (sarcarsm)".

I personally like to use that phrase on the guy who inevitably drafts Andre Johnson

2 or 3 rounds earlier than his value suggests.

 

[DoubleG]

I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Robin Williams' stand up routine down?

 

[houndirish]

After somebody drafts Stephen Davis (or similarly broken down aging player)....

"That was a NICE pick ...... in 1998."

After the first reach pick ...

"Gimme a minute (while shuffling through your cheatsheets) I gotta go to page 2"

When the guy everyone knows will suck makes his first sucky pick ....

"Thank you for your donation!"

Also, busting out this classic from Major Leagues .... "That guy's dead!"

That line never gets old.

 

[texasheat]

After someone takes a long time to pick, they select a player, you say...

"No really, take your time.. no reason to rush now"

 

[Chaka]

After reading this thread, I realize that there are very few funny people on this board. I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Someone run over your dog today Bristol or are you always so full of sunshine?Why not contribute something other than weak commentary?

 

[Jeff Pasquino]

After the first reach:

1. (Assuming 12 teams) "And then there were 11...."

2. (In a keeper / dynasty) "What do you want for your first pick next year?"

 

[Jaysus]

It is also nice to shout "CHUG!" and force everyone to finish their beers.

your league sonds fun

 

[semaj33]

http://forums.footballguys.com/forum/index...=256240&hl=

until my thread got hijacked it had some potential...here's a snippet of the best new lines i have heard this year so far, if you want to go for a more personal attack...

"(fill in name here) eats his corn on the cobb the long way"

"Yo mama's so nasty they had to try and eat her (bleap) on Fear Factor."

"I hope you get colon cancer."

"My wideouts will see more balls than (Insert team owner's name) chin."

"This week (team owner's) lack of RB depth was exposed more than his girlfriend on Halloween"

"(Team owner's) playoff hopes are looking darker than (other owners) teeth"

"You were born out of your mom's ### b/c the front was too busy"

"Your breasts are so ugly they can show them on tv." (Works with either gender.)

"You smell like TO's Sharpie."

 

[yellowdog]

Jerk store's the line. Go with jerk store.

 

[Little Richard]

After reading this thread, I realize that there are very few funny people on this board. I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Ironically, funniest post so far this thread...

 

[BrentBlack]

I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Robin Williams' stand up routine down?

I'm sure he could at least make me smile once.This is more Sinbad/Carrot Top territory. The exact opposite of funny.

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Robin Williams' stand up routine down?

I'm sure he could at least make me smile once.This is more Sinbad/Carrot Top territory. The exact opposite of funny.

Where did you go? They stole your face and you missed the show.

 

[Two Deep]

That pick blows more than my whore ex-wife.

 

[BrentBlack]

I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Robin Williams' stand up routine down?

I'm sure he could at least make me smile once.This is more Sinbad/Carrot Top territory. The exact opposite of funny.

Where did you go? They stole your face and you missed the show.

I'll cut you a break for posting the first "one-liner" in the thread. At least your taste in music doesn't suck.

 

[Nigel Tufnel]

I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Robin Williams' stand up routine down?

I'm sure he could at least make me smile once.This is more Sinbad/Carrot Top territory. The exact opposite of funny.

Where did you go? They stole your face and you missed the show.

I'll cut you a break for posting the first "one-liner" in the thread. At least your taste in music doesn't suck.

My sarcasm was thinly veiled.

 

[PizzaDeliveryGuy]

I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Robin Williams' stand up routine down?

I'm sure he could at least make me smile once.This is more Sinbad/Carrot Top territory. The exact opposite of funny.

Where did you go? They stole your face and you missed the show.

I'll cut you a break for posting the first "one-liner" in the thread. At least your taste in music doesn't suck.

My sarcasm was thinly veiled.

Back Demon, back to the FFA with you.

 

[BrentBlack]

I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Robin Williams' stand up routine down?

I'm sure he could at least make me smile once.This is more Sinbad/Carrot Top territory. The exact opposite of funny.

Where did you go? They stole your face and you missed the show.

I'll cut you a break for posting the first "one-liner" in the thread. At least your taste in music doesn't suck.

My sarcasm was thinly veiled.

I was hoping as much. Worst part is, I think I've heard that one-liner at my draft for the last 10 years.

 

[Chaka]

I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

Robin Williams' stand up routine down?

I'm sure he could at least make me smile once.This is more Sinbad/Carrot Top territory. The exact opposite of funny.

Where did you go? They stole your face and you missed the show.

I'll cut you a break for posting the first "one-liner" in the thread. At least your taste in music doesn't suck.

My sarcasm was thinly veiled.

Back Demon, back to the FFA with you.

 

[Lehigh98]

i think i read somthing similar to this on here...but when i scoop up Torry Holt in the 2nd round I plan on saying"i usually go rb-rb, but I think Holt actually has a chance to see more balls this year than Luke's (insert your own friends name) girlfriends chin"

Very similar to when someone in my league says something like:"He's going to catch alot of balls this year."And I respond:"Yeah... on his chin."

 

[DOVCommish]

:Anytime a crappy TE is drafted: "He's a good blocker."

very subtle... I'm stealing this one.

 

[nygiants56]

"It's not a Toomah!"

got this one is filed under 'lost its appeal due to overuse'..I have to hear this 'Toomah' crap at my draft every year! god I want to strangle people when i hear it..hahaand what is that from , anyways? a movie?

 

[WampusCat43]

When someone stalls too long making a pick in our league, someone else invariably leans over to him and stage whispers, "So, who would you take if it was your pick?"

 

[Jeremy]

When someone picks the player you wanted right in front of you: "You're so close to Satan, you're 665".

 

[laxiepoo]

2. (In a keeper / dynasty) "What do you want for your first pick next year?"

I always like just shuffling pages and muttering "wow... I mean ... wow ..." under my breath.

 

[Kit Fisto]

"It's not a Toomah!"

got this one is filed under 'lost its appeal due to overuse'..I have to hear this 'Toomah' crap at my draft every year! god I want to strangle people when i hear it..hahaand what is that from , anyways? a movie?

Kindergarten Cop.And if you don't want to hear Amani Toomer's name get called out every year, play dynasty!

 

[Pittsburgh United]

"It's not a Toomah!"

got this one is filed under 'lost its appeal due to overuse'..I have to hear this 'Toomah' crap at my draft every year! god I want to strangle people when i hear it..hahaand what is that from , anyways? a movie?

I agree! The only thing worse than that is when that receiver Michael Jackson was playing. Every time he was drafted or his name came up in conversation, this one guy in my league insisted on saying "Michael HEE-HEE Jackson!" The worst was when we'd be out watching a game in public and the guy caught a ball....

 

[tangfoot]

Ron Mexico, QB, ATL.

 

[tandl71]

That pick blows more than my whore ex-wife.

Subtle.

 

[Chaka]

"It's not a Toomah!"

got this one is filed under 'lost its appeal due to overuse'..I have to hear this 'Toomah' crap at my draft every year! god I want to strangle people when i hear it..hahaand what is that from , anyways? a movie?

I agree! The only thing worse than that is when that receiver Michael Jackson was playing. Every time he was drafted or his name came up in conversation, this one guy in my league insisted on saying "Michael HEE-HEE Jackson!" The worst was when we'd be out watching a game in public and the guy caught a ball....

Thanks for nothing! It took me years of therapy to supress that memory.

 

[Stashy]

Ray Ceruth jokes fair pretty well.

 

[tangfoot]

Ray Ceruth jokes fair pretty well.

They aren't half as funny as the ones about Rae Carruth.

 

[Stashy]

"I've seen noses picked better than that""That's the worst draft I've seen since drinking off a week old keg in high school" (eta: do your best Rodney Dangerfield for this one)"Make sure that guy pays before he leaves"

These actually got my side hurting

 

[Bob Sacamano]

For use with Edge or McGahee: "Too bad you can't draft an O-line for him."

To the Commish: "20 bucks if I land in the same division as him. Seriously."

I have a buddy whose wife I slept with back in college. Almost every draft day - or after we trade with each other - someone busts out a version of, "It's not enough that Bob ####ed your wife. He gets to do you now, too?" I never say it, but I always enjoy it more than anyone else.

"Jeebus, did that trade come with a reach-around?"

 

[H.K.]

"I've seen noses picked better than that""That's the worst draft I've seen since drinking off a week old keg in high school" (eta: do your best Rodney Dangerfield for this one)"Make sure that guy pays before he leaves"

These actually got my side hurting

Thanks, but if you really want a laugh, read the Chester Taylor thread...

 

[Grigs Allmoon]

After reading this thread, I realize that there are very few funny people on this board. I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

:(

 

[H.K.]

After reading this thread, I realize that there are very few funny people on this board. I have never seen a bigger collection of unfunny material in my entire life.

:(

A lot of this humor is locational, and varies based on delivery, so it doesn't translate well in this medium. (of course, most of it isn't funny, either.)

 

[Interseptopus]

Anyone see the ESPN Fantasy Football draft? They had celebrities or whatever doing a draft. My brother in law told me about this one:

A: I'll take Amad Green

B: Okay... you get Ahmad Green, anyone want AHMAN Green?

A: His name's not Ahmad?

B: No, but if you want Ahmad Green I'm sure there's one out there...

I personally like the "Is he still alive" quote

Also a few mentioned earlier about matt milen's draft strategy... all of those he posted were awesome

 

[Stashy]

The last time a decision that bad was made you were conceived.

 

[H.K.]

The last time a decision that bad was made you were conceived.

See, this is funny...on multiple levels.

 

[smcindoe]

Subtle is the way to go.

[When someone doesn't seem to realize it's their pick.]

In case you're wondering, we're not all staring at you because you're good loooking.

[When someone makes a bad pick]

(Very quietly and with urgency to the next drafter) Announce your pick... quickly.

[Old favorite after a reach.]

Drafts moving quickly this year, boys... (everyone nods).... apparently we're into round eight already.

[After a bad pick.]

Good pick. (Pause.) CFL stats count, right?

 

[Master Shake]

deadpan humor works real well in a live draft.

"Is that a real pick?"

a simple "NICE pick" with no further commentary or explanation can do a world of damage to someone's self esteem

david carr pick - "do we get points when your QB gets sacked in this league?"

John Carney, in austin powers voice " small hands, smells like cabbage"

when the guy in front of you takes your obvious next choice, lean over and whisper "pst, Go F**K yourself"

RB light squads "I see your gonna go with the Run N Shoot this year"

phychological warefare to force an early sleeper pick, looking at draft sheet/program "I KNOW the deep sleeper at QB/WR/RB/TE that you are gonna draft"

generally you have to go off the cuff for it to be funny, the preplaned "it's a toomer" stuff gets old real quick. What's funny is that, you know it's gonna happen, when the toomer line comes out, turn to the guy next to you, hand him a dollar as if he just won the pool on who would go with the toomer line.

 

[Stashy]

deadpan humor works real well in a live draft."Is that a real pick?"a simple "NICE pick" with no further commentary or explanation can do a world of damage to someone's self esteemdavid carr pick - "do we get points when your QB gets sacked in this league?"John Carney, in austin powers voice " small hands, smells like cabbage"when the guy in front of you takes your obvious next choice, lean over and whisper "pst, Go F**K yourself"RB light squads "I see your gonna go with the Run N Shoot this year" Thats a keeperphychological warefare to force an early sleeper pick, looking at draft sheet/program "I KNOW the deep sleeper at QB/WR/RB/TE that you are gonna draft"generally you have to go off the cuff for it to be funny, the preplaned "it's a toomer" stuff gets old real quick. What's funny is that, you know it's gonna happen, when the toomer line comes out, turn to the guy next to you, hand him a dollar as if he just won the pool on who would go with the toomer line.

 

[notoriousbob]

One of our teams took Branch a little early and then followed it up with a selection of Dillon a couple rounds later one of our owners said, "maybe he will catch a few balls for you, since Branch isn't in camp yet".

 

[facook]

Jerk store's the line. Go with jerk store.

"Oh yeah?! Well I slept with your wife!""...His wife's in a coma."

 

[facook]

Agree with the guy that says it's gotta be ad-libbed. Last year I got a good laugh with, "Hurry up and get to -----. I gotta see who he pulls out of his ### next."