Evilgrin 72
Distributor of Pain
I am not going to try to project trades here, but will identify spots where they may go down.
The quotes have absolutely nothing to do with the teams or the picks. In most cases. If you can find the one that sort-of does, bonus 5 cool points for you.
1. Kansas City (2-14) - Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M - The cast-off of Winston more or less telegraphed this pick. Whoever is going to be the long-term QB here, whether it's Smith or a TBD draft pick, is going to need protection in order for Dwayne Bowe not to be a worthless pustule.
Dee : "What's up with Hulk Hogan's hair? It's blond, yet it's silken... like that of a Chinese man."
Dennis : "Ahh yes, that's Hulk Hogan's signature look. Blond, Chinese hair.. and the skin of a hot dog. It's awesome."
2. Jacksonville (2-14) - Ezekiel Ansah, DE, BYU - Getting after the passer is Jacksonville's #1 priority heading into the draft. Many here know I've been an Ansah honk since before the buzz started, and I believe he's the best fit as a prototypical 4-3 rush DE in this class. Jacksonville takes a chance on a guy that could become a better Jason Pierre-Paul in a year or two.
Charlie : "No, I don't have any poison on me, but I do keep a stash at home in the relish jar."
Frank : "There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles! What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones on it?"
Charlie : "That's mayonnaise. That's a decoy."
Frank : "And the mayo?"
Charlie : "That's shampoo."
Frank : "You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?"
Charlie : "If you're using the mayo, then yeah, probably."
3. Oakland (4-12) - Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida- Oakland needs help all over the line, both at end and tackle. I think finding a pass rusher in rounds 2-4 is going to be easier than finding an elite pentrating tackle, so the Raiders go with the late-rising Floyd here. His potential is through the roof at age 20.
Frank : "This is ham.... soaked in rum. It's loaded with booze !"
Mac : "GD it, Frank.. you're eating your drinks now? THAT is genius ! Give me a piece of that ham... NOW.
Frank : "This is 90 proof ham !"
4. Philadelphia (4-12) - Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah. Word is, Lotulelei's heart exams have come back clean as a whistle. This guy was probably the most popular #1 selection prior to the health concerns, I think he climbs back up the board as the draft approaches. I see Star as a guy with great position versatility, but perhaps his best fit is as a 3-4 DE, which is where Philly would need him to start on Day 1.
Charlie : "No, I don't want any acid. That would be like, the exact opposite of relaxation for me. I'm just going to sit here and get blind drunk."
Frank: "Well, I'm gonna trip balls !!!"
5. Detroit (4-12) - Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama - All off-season, I've felt like CB was their single biggest need. Fisher could easily be the pick here, but I think Detroit looks defense in round 1. Their secondary is ashambles, and Milliner is the consensus #1 guy.
Frank : "Charlie..you gotta lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership. I'm promoting you to management."
Charlie : "That's why I did it-"
Mac : "That's why I did it too ! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?"
Frank : "You get d*ick, because you are a follower and a thief."
6. Cleveland (5-11) - Chance Warmack, G, Alabama - I've seen a pass rusher in every single mock going here. I think Cleveland would be doing backflips if Milliner fell, but since he didn't, I think they go with a guy who many feel is the best player in the entire draft, and also fits a need.
Dennis : "I think you might be dyslexic, bro."
Charlie : "Just read the script I wrote.."
Dennis : "OK, you want me to read the script?"
Charlie : "Yes. And..... action!"
Dennis : "I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do." This doesn't make any sense!"
7. Arizona (5-11) - Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan - I don't see them spending this pick on a QB after acquiring stop-gap Carson Palmer. I think OT is the single biggest need on this team, and Fisher may actually be the best tackle in this class. Perfect intersection of value and need here.
Charlie : "I'm going to be a smoker."
Mac : "You don't have to smoke, Charlie."
Charlie : "You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... (stabbed in the back with a fork.)
8. Buffalo (6-10) - Dion Jordan, OLB/DE, Oregon - I think the signing of Kolb was a move designed to keep the fan base from clamoring for a 1st round QB when there really are none that represent value this high. As much as they also need WR help, I see a glaring lack of pass rushers on this team and a guy like Jordan, who can play the OLB spot and eventually transition to end if/when he ages and puts on weight, fits well in their scheme.
Frank : "Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene! I was just told, excuse me, that my HORRIBLE, WHORE WIFE has tricked me into raising two bastards for thirty years, and I'm bein' asked not to make a scene! (Frank goes over to a nearby table.) Did you bang my wife? Huh? Did you bang my whore wife? (Addressing the room in general) Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my horrible, whore wife THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?!"
9. New York Jets (6-10) - Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia - I, for one, don't put too much stock in Jones' "poor" Pro Day showing. Turn the tape on, this guy is the most polished and accomplished pass rusher in the class, and is the prototypical stand-up 3-4 OLB. The spinal stenosis doesn't really seem to be much of a concern, but is causing Jones to drop on some team's boards. If another LB goes here, Jones could last a few more picks.
Frank : "After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion."
Charlie : "Are you sure she went through with it, dude? Because she probably didn't tell you..."
Frank : " She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore."
10. Tennessee (6-10) - Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida St. - The Titans have needs on the OL and in the secondary, so Cooper, L. Johnson, and Rhodes are all possibilities here, but I think they jump on possibly the most complete DE in the class. Werner has a great motor, can get after the QB, and can seal the edge against the run. His pedestrian times in post-season workouts are greatly exaggerated.
Frank : "Roxy, God Bless you. You were a good whore, you serviced me like no other whore ever did; not only my crank, but my heart - and I'm gonna miss you. AMEN."
11. San Diego (7-9) - Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma - The late-rising former TE is a perfect fit in San Diego. He has the feet to play LT and the Chargers really need a blind-side protector for Rivers.
Lawyer : "OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Frank : "Bruce Mathis?"
Lawyer [reading] : "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
12. Miami (7-9) - Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida St. - Miami's most glaring weakness is at CB and knowing Tampa is picking right behind them, they snap up Rhodes, who has the size and speed to be a #1 corner at the NFL level.
Dee: "Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn."
13. Tampa Bay (7-9) - Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri - Tampa is desperate for secondary help, but with all remaining CBs being a massive reach, I think they fill another need by drafting the underrated Richardson. A 300-pounder who performs nicely in both the pass and run game, Richardson can help solidify the line in Tampa. If this pick goes to the Jets in a Revis deal, it will be a different pick here, but ultimately, I doubt Tampa gives up #13.
Charlie : "Ohhhhhhhh s##t! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?"
Dennis : "I see a door marked 'Private'. Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie : "Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?"
Dennis : "I heard you say there was a door marked 'pirate'...
Charlie : "Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?"
14. Carolina (7-9) - Jonathan Cooper, OG, N. Carolina - Carolina has a ton of needs and this is a BPA pick. Some people prefer Cooper to Warmack and think he may be the best OL in the entire draft. If Newton is going to be the franchise, they need to keep him protected, and Cooper offers the best value here at a position of need.
Frank : "What's a power bottom?"
Mac : "A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power."
Dennis : "Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work."
Frank : "Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?"
Mac: "Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it."
Dennis : "Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?"
15. New Orleans (7-9) - Barkevious Mingo, OLB, LSU - Converting to a 3-4, the Saints are going to need pass rushing linebackers, so they take the local athletic freak, who doesn't quite have the tape to match his gifts. If his relative lack of production was due to the LSU system, however, the Saints will know this better than anyone.
(doing news from Chinatown)
Charlie : "Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?"
Mac : "And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate."
Charlie : "Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop."
Mac : "Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands"
Charlie : "Yeah ! The guy who shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and s*it and Kurt Russell fights him...."
16. St. Louis (7-8-1) - Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee - The Rams are forever looking for weapons for Sam Bradford, so I doubt they pass when the consensus top WR in the class falls to them, despite having other glaring needs as well. This spot is where Patterson starts to make sense, he's a big gamble, but has unlimited upside.
Charlie (singing) : "Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man."
Mac : "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?"
Charlie : "It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man."
Mac : "But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you."
Charlie : "What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and the other is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's yelling a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man."
Mac : "We need a new front man."
17. Pittsburgh (8-8) - Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia - The Steelers have holes at WR, TE, SS, ILB, OLB, CB, NT, and RB. Literally any of those positions could be the pick here, but in this mock, the premier CBs and pass rushers are off the board. I think the most likely candidates for this selection would be nose, OLB, safety, or WR. Hence, the Austin pick, as I feel he represents the best value here (by a nose over Kenny Vaccaro.) Most seem to think the Steelers are looking for a new #1 SE to replace Wallace, but I am of the mindset that they're moving Brown to that spot and putting Sanders opposite him as the #2, leaving a hole for a speedy slot receiver, return man, and gadget play guy that Haley covets. Hence, they go for the semi-local kid that fits all those spots.
Charlie : "Why am I on the list? That's bulls##t! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR #SS!"
18. Dallas (8-8) - Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas - Dallas has several needs and this pick could easily be an OL or a DT, but right here, I think Vaccaro is the BPA at a need spot. Smooth athlete, can cover if necessary, is eager in run support, could be a defensive QB going forward.
Dennis : "I'm not a prostitute, OK?"
Frank : "Yes he is."
Dennis : "There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion."
Mac : "To dudes ?"
Charlie : "To guys, or...?"
Dennis : "No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me..."
Mac : "Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes...."
19. New York Giants (9-7) - Datone Jones, DE, UCLA - This was a tough call. This could easily be Fluker, Trufant, or a possible trade down, but if they don't move out of this spot, I think the Giants affinity for 1st round defensive linemen with upside may lead them this way. The Giants have a bunch of needs, but none seem to be particularly glaring, so they may opt for the late riser with great positional versatility. Jones has really come on at the Senior Bowl and combine.
Dee (whaling on a bum with baton) : "You like that, #####, huh? (She throws the bum into the trashcans, picks up a trashcan lid and starts bashing him over the head with it.) I am not your little pinup-girl for you to tug your rotten pecker at!"
20. Chicago (10-6) - Kevin Minter, ILB, LSU- Chicago's most glaring need is on the interior OL, but there's really no one here that fits the bill, I see them going after maybe Barrett in the 2nd and taking at least one gaurd in the 3rd-7th. No one here screams value, so I think they go with a replacement for Urlacher - Minter's stock is soaring after a pro day in which he was said to look spectacular - he could go as early as #17 to Pittsburgh.
Mac : "I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude..."
Charlie : "Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?"
Mac : "I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once."
Charlie : "Well, you've not seen me wash my #### never once, but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday..."
21. Cincinnati (10-6) - Jonathan Cyprien, S, FIU- Safety is the Bengals' most obvious need, and while this may be a slight reach, the Bengals don't care. Cyprien is highly unlikely to be there for them in the second, and he has the size and athleticism to be a difference maker right away if he can make the leap from small college ball to the NFL quickly.
Charlie : "Ya best get ta stepping because Johnny law's a-comin'"
Dennis : "Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us."
Mac : "Why is he talking like that?"
Dennis : "Well, Wildcard here decided to lose his mind."
Charlie : "Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!"
Dennis : "Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn !"
22. St. Louis (7-8-1) - from Washington - Kevin Ogletree, LB, Georgia - The Rams desperately need an infusion of talent on the LB corps, and Ogletree is possibly the most physically talented LB in this class. His head needs a little work, but if the Rams can get out of round 1 with Patterson and Ogletree, they'll have grabbed 2 of probably the top 10 upside guys in the draft at any position.
Dennis : "My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You, on the other hand, well, you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard."
23. Minnesota (10-6) - Sylvester Williams, DT, N. Carolina - I doubt they go WR in the first even with 2 picks after committing big money to Jennings. This could be a spot where the Vikes are looking to trade this pick to Jacksonville, Buffalo, or Arizona if one of those teams wants to jump back into round 1 for Geno Smith - same goes with the Vikes pick at #25.
Parole Officer : "You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living s##t out of you."
Mac : "Uh, that's correct."
Parole Officer : "Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, "jam a bunch of stuff in your butt", he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink. Then, he was going to, quote, "eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts." Is this correct?
Charlie : "That is also correct."
24. Indianapolis (11-5) - Jesse Williams, DT, Alabama - Best player available pick for the Colts, who have a hole at DE and could use some depth in the middle of the line as well. Williams has great strength, good quicks, and can play either the end of the middle in a 3-4 front. With the Colts' remarkable luck stinking at just the right times, a few defensive parts are all this team needs to make a deep run very soon.
Charlie : "That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's ####### hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh ####, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single ####### desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a ####### ghost town."
Mac : "OK, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs."
25. Minnesota (10-6) - from Seattle - Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington - Minnesota goes defense again, though something tells me this is the pick that gets traded to one of the three teams I mentioned earlier. It would make perfect sense for the Vikes to trade down here and get multiple picks in return, but for the sake of this mock, they address their need in the secondary with the best available CB.
Dee : "Sorcery?! Your dumb d#ck partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are."
26. Green Bay (11-5) - Keenan Allen, WR, California- Another spot where a trade down is an extreme possibility. The way this draft fell, there aren't a ton of value picks available, so rather than take a character question like Damontre Moore, maybe they decide to give their soon-to-be $25,000,000/year man another weapon. With Jennings gone, Allen is a good fit here, he runs strong routes and is a smart player, and should thrive with Rodgers throwing to him.
Frank : "You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll."
Charlie : "Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?"
Artemis (scribbling frantically) : "I did write 'soul' - I definitely did."
27. Houston (12-4) - Manti Te'o, LB, Notre Dame - Why the hell not? They could definitely go receiver or secondary here, but Manti has the tape, the Texans have a need inside at LB, and the fake girlfriend thing has pretty much blown over by now. Te'o likely would have been gone by this point had his girlfriend had flesh, or a pulse, so maybe the slide ends here.
Dennis : "Frank, can you get these kids out of here?"
Frank : "Yeah... come on. We're gonna go paint your rooms a color that isn't stupid. Then we're gonna throw all your toys in the trash!"
28. Denver (13-3) - Damontre Moore, DE, Texas A&M - This just makes too much sense. After losing Dumervil to Baltimore, they pair Moore with his old college teammate Von Miller. That duo could unleash some serious havoc on opposing pockets.
Mac : "Dee....is that piss? IS THAT PISS? It came back in the window !"
Dee : "Maybe you shouldn't be sleeping with your window open."
Mac : "Maybe you shouldn't be emptying jars of piss out of a moving car !"
29. New England (12-4) - Jamar Taylor, CB, Boise State - New England's biggest needs are along the line and in the secondary, and I believe Taylor has the upside that will tantalize Bill Belichick and make his evil nipples erect.
Frank : "All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken."
Customer : "Actually I'm vegan."
Frank : "Okay then pretend this shoe is.... whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe."
Dee: "Nice one."
30. Atlanta (13-3) - Arthur Brown, LB, Kansas St. - Brown is a first-round talent who was once one of the msot coveted recruits in the nation. He's very versatile and can play inside or outside in either a 3-4 and 4-3. Atlanta is close and a few complementary pieces may be all that separates them from a run at the Super Bowl. brown brings an influx of talent and athleticism to the defense.
Dennis : "What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?"
Frank : "I want to bang your Aunt Donna."
Dennis : "Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?!"
Frank : "Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone....."
31. San Francisco (11-4-1) - Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame - This might have been a CB pick if they hadn't signed Asomugha and if there was value here, but they did and there ain't, so it isn't. Eifert would give them another weapon on offense and allow them to run a bunch of 2 TE sets that could be lethal. With Kaepernick and Gore, if they can disguise their packages and run some play action out of a 2 TE set with 2 guys at those TE spots who are all but uncoverable... wow.
Frank : "So the Wendy's manager was like "You gotta clean dat up!" and I was like "they're your hamburgers you clean them up." Artemis was all bummed out about something I did to myself with the onions and now she won't talk to me."
32. Baltimore (10-6) - D. J. Fluker, OT, Alabama - Baltimore has the luxury of drafting BPA as the defending champs, and at this point, I feel like Fluker represents the best value. Sure, LB has to be addressed, but with Te'o and Brown off the board, they could go for someone like Alex Okafor, but I think they shore up the line and keep their new $20+ million dollar man upright. Receiver is also a distinct possibility here with Hopkins, Hunter or Woods being the most likely candidates to be drafted.
Buster : "Now come on you old son of a gun, and let Buster do a line off your boner..."
Have at it.
The quotes have absolutely nothing to do with the teams or the picks. In most cases. If you can find the one that sort-of does, bonus 5 cool points for you.
1. Kansas City (2-14) - Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M - The cast-off of Winston more or less telegraphed this pick. Whoever is going to be the long-term QB here, whether it's Smith or a TBD draft pick, is going to need protection in order for Dwayne Bowe not to be a worthless pustule.
Dee : "What's up with Hulk Hogan's hair? It's blond, yet it's silken... like that of a Chinese man."
Dennis : "Ahh yes, that's Hulk Hogan's signature look. Blond, Chinese hair.. and the skin of a hot dog. It's awesome."
2. Jacksonville (2-14) - Ezekiel Ansah, DE, BYU - Getting after the passer is Jacksonville's #1 priority heading into the draft. Many here know I've been an Ansah honk since before the buzz started, and I believe he's the best fit as a prototypical 4-3 rush DE in this class. Jacksonville takes a chance on a guy that could become a better Jason Pierre-Paul in a year or two.
Charlie : "No, I don't have any poison on me, but I do keep a stash at home in the relish jar."
Frank : "There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles! What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones on it?"
Charlie : "That's mayonnaise. That's a decoy."
Frank : "And the mayo?"
Charlie : "That's shampoo."
Frank : "You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?"
Charlie : "If you're using the mayo, then yeah, probably."
3. Oakland (4-12) - Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida- Oakland needs help all over the line, both at end and tackle. I think finding a pass rusher in rounds 2-4 is going to be easier than finding an elite pentrating tackle, so the Raiders go with the late-rising Floyd here. His potential is through the roof at age 20.
Frank : "This is ham.... soaked in rum. It's loaded with booze !"
Mac : "GD it, Frank.. you're eating your drinks now? THAT is genius ! Give me a piece of that ham... NOW.
Frank : "This is 90 proof ham !"
4. Philadelphia (4-12) - Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah. Word is, Lotulelei's heart exams have come back clean as a whistle. This guy was probably the most popular #1 selection prior to the health concerns, I think he climbs back up the board as the draft approaches. I see Star as a guy with great position versatility, but perhaps his best fit is as a 3-4 DE, which is where Philly would need him to start on Day 1.
Charlie : "No, I don't want any acid. That would be like, the exact opposite of relaxation for me. I'm just going to sit here and get blind drunk."
Frank: "Well, I'm gonna trip balls !!!"
5. Detroit (4-12) - Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama - All off-season, I've felt like CB was their single biggest need. Fisher could easily be the pick here, but I think Detroit looks defense in round 1. Their secondary is ashambles, and Milliner is the consensus #1 guy.
Frank : "Charlie..you gotta lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership. I'm promoting you to management."
Charlie : "That's why I did it-"
Mac : "That's why I did it too ! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?"
Frank : "You get d*ick, because you are a follower and a thief."
6. Cleveland (5-11) - Chance Warmack, G, Alabama - I've seen a pass rusher in every single mock going here. I think Cleveland would be doing backflips if Milliner fell, but since he didn't, I think they go with a guy who many feel is the best player in the entire draft, and also fits a need.
Dennis : "I think you might be dyslexic, bro."
Charlie : "Just read the script I wrote.."
Dennis : "OK, you want me to read the script?"
Charlie : "Yes. And..... action!"
Dennis : "I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do." This doesn't make any sense!"
7. Arizona (5-11) - Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan - I don't see them spending this pick on a QB after acquiring stop-gap Carson Palmer. I think OT is the single biggest need on this team, and Fisher may actually be the best tackle in this class. Perfect intersection of value and need here.
Charlie : "I'm going to be a smoker."
Mac : "You don't have to smoke, Charlie."
Charlie : "You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... (stabbed in the back with a fork.)
8. Buffalo (6-10) - Dion Jordan, OLB/DE, Oregon - I think the signing of Kolb was a move designed to keep the fan base from clamoring for a 1st round QB when there really are none that represent value this high. As much as they also need WR help, I see a glaring lack of pass rushers on this team and a guy like Jordan, who can play the OLB spot and eventually transition to end if/when he ages and puts on weight, fits well in their scheme.
Frank : "Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene! I was just told, excuse me, that my HORRIBLE, WHORE WIFE has tricked me into raising two bastards for thirty years, and I'm bein' asked not to make a scene! (Frank goes over to a nearby table.) Did you bang my wife? Huh? Did you bang my whore wife? (Addressing the room in general) Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my horrible, whore wife THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?!"
9. New York Jets (6-10) - Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia - I, for one, don't put too much stock in Jones' "poor" Pro Day showing. Turn the tape on, this guy is the most polished and accomplished pass rusher in the class, and is the prototypical stand-up 3-4 OLB. The spinal stenosis doesn't really seem to be much of a concern, but is causing Jones to drop on some team's boards. If another LB goes here, Jones could last a few more picks.
Frank : "After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion."
Charlie : "Are you sure she went through with it, dude? Because she probably didn't tell you..."
Frank : " She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore."
10. Tennessee (6-10) - Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida St. - The Titans have needs on the OL and in the secondary, so Cooper, L. Johnson, and Rhodes are all possibilities here, but I think they jump on possibly the most complete DE in the class. Werner has a great motor, can get after the QB, and can seal the edge against the run. His pedestrian times in post-season workouts are greatly exaggerated.
Frank : "Roxy, God Bless you. You were a good whore, you serviced me like no other whore ever did; not only my crank, but my heart - and I'm gonna miss you. AMEN."
11. San Diego (7-9) - Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma - The late-rising former TE is a perfect fit in San Diego. He has the feet to play LT and the Chargers really need a blind-side protector for Rivers.
Lawyer : "OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Frank : "Bruce Mathis?"
Lawyer [reading] : "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
12. Miami (7-9) - Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida St. - Miami's most glaring weakness is at CB and knowing Tampa is picking right behind them, they snap up Rhodes, who has the size and speed to be a #1 corner at the NFL level.
Dee: "Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn."
13. Tampa Bay (7-9) - Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri - Tampa is desperate for secondary help, but with all remaining CBs being a massive reach, I think they fill another need by drafting the underrated Richardson. A 300-pounder who performs nicely in both the pass and run game, Richardson can help solidify the line in Tampa. If this pick goes to the Jets in a Revis deal, it will be a different pick here, but ultimately, I doubt Tampa gives up #13.
Charlie : "Ohhhhhhhh s##t! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?"
Dennis : "I see a door marked 'Private'. Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie : "Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?"
Dennis : "I heard you say there was a door marked 'pirate'...
Charlie : "Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?"
14. Carolina (7-9) - Jonathan Cooper, OG, N. Carolina - Carolina has a ton of needs and this is a BPA pick. Some people prefer Cooper to Warmack and think he may be the best OL in the entire draft. If Newton is going to be the franchise, they need to keep him protected, and Cooper offers the best value here at a position of need.
Frank : "What's a power bottom?"
Mac : "A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power."
Dennis : "Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work."
Frank : "Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?"
Mac: "Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it."
Dennis : "Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?"
15. New Orleans (7-9) - Barkevious Mingo, OLB, LSU - Converting to a 3-4, the Saints are going to need pass rushing linebackers, so they take the local athletic freak, who doesn't quite have the tape to match his gifts. If his relative lack of production was due to the LSU system, however, the Saints will know this better than anyone.
(doing news from Chinatown)
Charlie : "Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?"
Mac : "And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate."
Charlie : "Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop."
Mac : "Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands"
Charlie : "Yeah ! The guy who shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and s*it and Kurt Russell fights him...."
16. St. Louis (7-8-1) - Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee - The Rams are forever looking for weapons for Sam Bradford, so I doubt they pass when the consensus top WR in the class falls to them, despite having other glaring needs as well. This spot is where Patterson starts to make sense, he's a big gamble, but has unlimited upside.
Charlie (singing) : "Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man."
Mac : "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?"
Charlie : "It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man."
Mac : "But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you."
Charlie : "What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and the other is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's yelling a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man."
Mac : "We need a new front man."
17. Pittsburgh (8-8) - Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia - The Steelers have holes at WR, TE, SS, ILB, OLB, CB, NT, and RB. Literally any of those positions could be the pick here, but in this mock, the premier CBs and pass rushers are off the board. I think the most likely candidates for this selection would be nose, OLB, safety, or WR. Hence, the Austin pick, as I feel he represents the best value here (by a nose over Kenny Vaccaro.) Most seem to think the Steelers are looking for a new #1 SE to replace Wallace, but I am of the mindset that they're moving Brown to that spot and putting Sanders opposite him as the #2, leaving a hole for a speedy slot receiver, return man, and gadget play guy that Haley covets. Hence, they go for the semi-local kid that fits all those spots.
Charlie : "Why am I on the list? That's bulls##t! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR #SS!"
18. Dallas (8-8) - Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas - Dallas has several needs and this pick could easily be an OL or a DT, but right here, I think Vaccaro is the BPA at a need spot. Smooth athlete, can cover if necessary, is eager in run support, could be a defensive QB going forward.
Dennis : "I'm not a prostitute, OK?"
Frank : "Yes he is."
Dennis : "There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion."
Mac : "To dudes ?"
Charlie : "To guys, or...?"
Dennis : "No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me..."
Mac : "Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes...."
19. New York Giants (9-7) - Datone Jones, DE, UCLA - This was a tough call. This could easily be Fluker, Trufant, or a possible trade down, but if they don't move out of this spot, I think the Giants affinity for 1st round defensive linemen with upside may lead them this way. The Giants have a bunch of needs, but none seem to be particularly glaring, so they may opt for the late riser with great positional versatility. Jones has really come on at the Senior Bowl and combine.
Dee (whaling on a bum with baton) : "You like that, #####, huh? (She throws the bum into the trashcans, picks up a trashcan lid and starts bashing him over the head with it.) I am not your little pinup-girl for you to tug your rotten pecker at!"
20. Chicago (10-6) - Kevin Minter, ILB, LSU- Chicago's most glaring need is on the interior OL, but there's really no one here that fits the bill, I see them going after maybe Barrett in the 2nd and taking at least one gaurd in the 3rd-7th. No one here screams value, so I think they go with a replacement for Urlacher - Minter's stock is soaring after a pro day in which he was said to look spectacular - he could go as early as #17 to Pittsburgh.
Mac : "I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude..."
Charlie : "Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?"
Mac : "I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once."
Charlie : "Well, you've not seen me wash my #### never once, but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday..."
21. Cincinnati (10-6) - Jonathan Cyprien, S, FIU- Safety is the Bengals' most obvious need, and while this may be a slight reach, the Bengals don't care. Cyprien is highly unlikely to be there for them in the second, and he has the size and athleticism to be a difference maker right away if he can make the leap from small college ball to the NFL quickly.
Charlie : "Ya best get ta stepping because Johnny law's a-comin'"
Dennis : "Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us."
Mac : "Why is he talking like that?"
Dennis : "Well, Wildcard here decided to lose his mind."
Charlie : "Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!"
Dennis : "Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn !"
22. St. Louis (7-8-1) - from Washington - Kevin Ogletree, LB, Georgia - The Rams desperately need an infusion of talent on the LB corps, and Ogletree is possibly the most physically talented LB in this class. His head needs a little work, but if the Rams can get out of round 1 with Patterson and Ogletree, they'll have grabbed 2 of probably the top 10 upside guys in the draft at any position.
Dennis : "My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You, on the other hand, well, you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard."
23. Minnesota (10-6) - Sylvester Williams, DT, N. Carolina - I doubt they go WR in the first even with 2 picks after committing big money to Jennings. This could be a spot where the Vikes are looking to trade this pick to Jacksonville, Buffalo, or Arizona if one of those teams wants to jump back into round 1 for Geno Smith - same goes with the Vikes pick at #25.
Parole Officer : "You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living s##t out of you."
Mac : "Uh, that's correct."
Parole Officer : "Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, "jam a bunch of stuff in your butt", he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink. Then, he was going to, quote, "eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts." Is this correct?
Charlie : "That is also correct."
24. Indianapolis (11-5) - Jesse Williams, DT, Alabama - Best player available pick for the Colts, who have a hole at DE and could use some depth in the middle of the line as well. Williams has great strength, good quicks, and can play either the end of the middle in a 3-4 front. With the Colts' remarkable luck stinking at just the right times, a few defensive parts are all this team needs to make a deep run very soon.
Charlie : "That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's ####### hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh ####, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single ####### desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a ####### ghost town."
Mac : "OK, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs."
25. Minnesota (10-6) - from Seattle - Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington - Minnesota goes defense again, though something tells me this is the pick that gets traded to one of the three teams I mentioned earlier. It would make perfect sense for the Vikes to trade down here and get multiple picks in return, but for the sake of this mock, they address their need in the secondary with the best available CB.
Dee : "Sorcery?! Your dumb d#ck partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are."
26. Green Bay (11-5) - Keenan Allen, WR, California- Another spot where a trade down is an extreme possibility. The way this draft fell, there aren't a ton of value picks available, so rather than take a character question like Damontre Moore, maybe they decide to give their soon-to-be $25,000,000/year man another weapon. With Jennings gone, Allen is a good fit here, he runs strong routes and is a smart player, and should thrive with Rodgers throwing to him.
Frank : "You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll."
Charlie : "Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?"
Artemis (scribbling frantically) : "I did write 'soul' - I definitely did."
27. Houston (12-4) - Manti Te'o, LB, Notre Dame - Why the hell not? They could definitely go receiver or secondary here, but Manti has the tape, the Texans have a need inside at LB, and the fake girlfriend thing has pretty much blown over by now. Te'o likely would have been gone by this point had his girlfriend had flesh, or a pulse, so maybe the slide ends here.
Dennis : "Frank, can you get these kids out of here?"
Frank : "Yeah... come on. We're gonna go paint your rooms a color that isn't stupid. Then we're gonna throw all your toys in the trash!"
28. Denver (13-3) - Damontre Moore, DE, Texas A&M - This just makes too much sense. After losing Dumervil to Baltimore, they pair Moore with his old college teammate Von Miller. That duo could unleash some serious havoc on opposing pockets.
Mac : "Dee....is that piss? IS THAT PISS? It came back in the window !"
Dee : "Maybe you shouldn't be sleeping with your window open."
Mac : "Maybe you shouldn't be emptying jars of piss out of a moving car !"
29. New England (12-4) - Jamar Taylor, CB, Boise State - New England's biggest needs are along the line and in the secondary, and I believe Taylor has the upside that will tantalize Bill Belichick and make his evil nipples erect.
Frank : "All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken."
Customer : "Actually I'm vegan."
Frank : "Okay then pretend this shoe is.... whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe."
Dee: "Nice one."
30. Atlanta (13-3) - Arthur Brown, LB, Kansas St. - Brown is a first-round talent who was once one of the msot coveted recruits in the nation. He's very versatile and can play inside or outside in either a 3-4 and 4-3. Atlanta is close and a few complementary pieces may be all that separates them from a run at the Super Bowl. brown brings an influx of talent and athleticism to the defense.
Dennis : "What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?"
Frank : "I want to bang your Aunt Donna."
Dennis : "Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?!"
Frank : "Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone....."
31. San Francisco (11-4-1) - Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame - This might have been a CB pick if they hadn't signed Asomugha and if there was value here, but they did and there ain't, so it isn't. Eifert would give them another weapon on offense and allow them to run a bunch of 2 TE sets that could be lethal. With Kaepernick and Gore, if they can disguise their packages and run some play action out of a 2 TE set with 2 guys at those TE spots who are all but uncoverable... wow.
Frank : "So the Wendy's manager was like "You gotta clean dat up!" and I was like "they're your hamburgers you clean them up." Artemis was all bummed out about something I did to myself with the onions and now she won't talk to me."
32. Baltimore (10-6) - D. J. Fluker, OT, Alabama - Baltimore has the luxury of drafting BPA as the defending champs, and at this point, I feel like Fluker represents the best value. Sure, LB has to be addressed, but with Te'o and Brown off the board, they could go for someone like Alex Okafor, but I think they shore up the line and keep their new $20+ million dollar man upright. Receiver is also a distinct possibility here with Hopkins, Hunter or Woods being the most likely candidates to be drafted.
Buster : "Now come on you old son of a gun, and let Buster do a line off your boner..."
Have at it.
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