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Funny things your kid has said (1 Viewer)

Sometimes in the mornings while I'm driving the kids to school we play a game where someone suggests a category and we proceed to name whatever we can think of.

This morning:

6year old Son: Ok, military.

Me: Army

Daughter: Navy

Son: Germans

Me (cracking a smile): Why Germans?

Son: Because they always start the wars!

 
Our 7yr old brings home his first math test.  It was a 100 question simple add/subtract in which he got all 100 right.  He then brings home another one where he got all 100 right again.  This one had a little form at the bottom about how you progressed from the first test.  He was all bent out of shape because his showed he didn't show any progress. :lol:  

So last night he brought home another test and this time he had 3 wrong.  In looking at the test we could see he got some really easy ones wrong, so my wife asked what happened.  He said "I got them wrong on purpose so I can show progress on the next test".

:lmao:  #######' smart###.

ETA: we're now filtering out frikken? :lol:  

 
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So Wednesday night we are coming home from a pitching clinic.  My daughter just turned 11.

It's about 9:15pm.  Stopped at light near my house.

me: "uhoh Cubs are up 3 to 1 in the 4th."

daughter: " 'angrily' I guess that's good for mommy" (note daughter picked Indians for no apparent reason, wife picked cubs for no reason :lol:  )

We drive home, walk into the house. Daughter gives wife hug, I'm putting down my wallet, keys etc...

Daughter: "DADDY! You said the Cubs were winning 3 to 1!!!"    (has a half smile because she thought I was tricking her)

Me: :confused:   "They are why?" (looks at TV, notices it says 1 - 1)

Wife:  :rant:

Me: :lmao:

 
Had a fly on the TV. Got up and said "I'm killing this thing"...

Son gets up and charges the TV, WHACK!!! - Didn't get the fly, luckily didn't shatter the TV, but he left a nice handprint on it.

 
Meant to post this one from this Sunday which seems relevant and amusing today.

Beautiful day sitting outside with my kids, they are playing in the dirt/garden.  They buried some beans and were sort of building teepees over them with sticks. 10 yo takes some sticks from the other kids.

5yo: Hey!!! What are you doing, those are my sticks!

10yo: I'm Donald Trump.  I'm building a wall.

Me: :lmao:

 
9yo Floppinho and 5yo Floppinha (who still says "whobody" btw) are squabbling on the sofa over something:

9yo- (mildly upset- but I can see is using this for future leverage)... she called me a bad name

5yo- (getting upset because she doesn't like to get caught doing anything wrong)... I didn't!

wife- (dubious that 5yo even knows any bad names) what did she call you?

9yo- (whispers in wife's ear)

wife- do you know what "useless" means?

5yo- :shrug:  ... :confused:  

 
El Floppo said:
9yo Floppinho and 5yo Floppinha (who still says "whobody" btw) are squabbling on the sofa over something:

9yo- (mildly upset- but I can see is using this for future leverage)... she called me a bad name

5yo- (getting upset because she doesn't like to get caught doing anything wrong)... I didn't!

wife- (dubious that 5yo even knows any bad names) what did she call you?

9yo- (whispers in wife's ear)

wife- do you know what "useless" means?

5yo- :shrug:  ... :confused:  
Click to expand...
Does the 9yo know? 

5yo might be smarter than the 9yo.

 
We were listening to tunes in the SUV and after a song played the DJ announced that it was the Beatles. 8-yo boy exclaimed, "The Beatles?! That's my jam!" 

 
We found a dying abandoned kitten three months ago. We nursed it back to health but it never got any friendlier. Couldn't hold it or pet it. It died last night. 

Today I was talking to the kids about it and the 4&6yos were all upset and crying. I said I know it hurts and in time the pain will lessen. Until then think about the good times you had with the kitten. 

6 yo says "but I didn't have any good times with her!" 

 
Last night a conversation between my 9 and 11 year old daughters

9: Donald Trump is so sexist.  He said bad things about women!

11: Yeah he is racist too.  He wants to build a wall.  And he is gay, not that that is bad.

9: That is OK, but yeah he is gay.

I did pause to wonder...why in the world are my 9 and 11 year old daughters talking about Trump when we live in Canada??

 
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Several years ago, my 5 year old son was bathing. I walk by the bathroom door and hear from inside, "Oh, hey! My penis! I was looking for that!"

 
Clown Car said:
We found a dying abandoned kitten three months ago. We nursed it back to health but it never got any friendlier. Couldn't hold it or pet it. It died last night. 

Today I was talking to the kids about it and the 4&6yos were all upset and crying. I said I know it hurts and in time the pain will lessen. Until then think about the good times you had with the kitten. 

6 yo says "but I didn't have any good times with her!" 
Click to expand...
Hate to be that guy in this thread, but did you get the kitten tested for rabies?

 
Dan Lambskin said:
I don't want Trump to win because he'll deport my best friend because he's Italian 
Click to expand...
Upon finding out Trump won yesterday morning, conversation between my wife and 2 daughters (aged 8 and 6)

8: Trump won? Noooooooooo!

6: Oh no, we have to move?

W: No, we don't have to move.

6: I thought we had to move to Mexico and he would build a wall to keep us away from here.

8: That's only Mexicans

6: [shocked] We're Mexican!

W: You're not Mexican

8: What are we?

W: Italian, Irish, Greek, buncha other stuff

6: So we have to move to Italy now?

W: No, we can stay.

8: Can we go to Italy anyways?

 
Wife and I are playing a game at the kitchen table with 8 yo and 5 yo.

Casual conversation/banter and after a good move my wife states that that one was a real 'humm-dinger'. 8 yo (apparently never having heard this before) mishears it as thumb-dinger and laughs hysterically. Not the ha-ha good one kind, like slap your knee, double over, wheezing/hissing, your stomach hurts so much kind of laugh. 

wife and I are  :rolleyes: :whistle:  (about 5 minutes passes)

When she regained control she blurts out Thumb-dinger, that's funny. We corrected her on the pronunciation and repeat as above for another 5 minutes. The pure joy on her face...

I love that kid.

 
Had the shovel out, and I started to put it away. My 6 year old daughter notices:

Her: Can I have the shovel?

Me: Why do you need the shovel?

Her: I want to dig a hole.

Me: We don't dig holes for no reason.

Her: Well, I want to play a game with it.

Me: What game?

Her: Dig a hole with a shovel.

Me:  :lmao:

 
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ChiefD said:
Had the shovel out, and I started to put it away. My 6 year old daughter notices:

Her: Can I have the shovel?

Me: Why do you need the shovel?

Her: I want to dig a hole.

Me: We don't dig holes for no reason.

Her: Well, I want to play a game with it.

Me: What game?

Her: Dig a hole with a shovel.

Me:  :lmao:
Click to expand...
:lol:

you'll have to remember that game next time you need to dig fence post holes.

 
Mr. Ham said:
Misunderstanding about missing Halloween candy led to six year old son wanting to send me to military school for thirty years.  I tried to get him to grasp the impact of what it would mean for me to actually be gone all those years, all the time we would miss, the life events.  I mean that's a lot of years.  

When I thought I reached him, gotten him to soften a smidge, and asked him if he really wanted me gone, he put his hand on my arm and said gently, "Be good.  Make me proud."  

We eventually settled the matter for three dollars.  
Click to expand...
The whole thing is just brilliant :lmao:

 
My brother in law relayed this one to me yesterday:

2yo: "God dammit" is a mommy word.

BIL:  :lmao:

SIL:  :wall: What is a daddy word?

2yo: "Be nice" is a daddy word..

BIL:  :D

SIL:  :rant:

2yo:... and "(F word)" is a daddy word too.

BIL: :shock:

 
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Mr. Ham said:
Misunderstanding about missing Halloween candy led to six year old son wanting to send me to military school for thirty years.  I tried to get him to grasp the impact of what it would mean for me to actually be gone all those years, all the time we would miss, the life events.  I mean that's a lot of years.  

When I thought I reached him, gotten him to soften a smidge, and asked him if he really wanted me gone, he put his hand on my arm and said gently, "Be good.  Make me proud."  

We eventually settled the matter for three dollars.  
Click to expand...
:lol:

 
my 7 yo comes running down the hall laughing hysterically

"Guess what we just asked Siri to search for?  I just peed and pooped my pants!!"

 
My wife and son (5yo) were messing around on snapchat last night before bed.  They'll usually send little videos back and forth with my SIL and niece.  This time they've got a filter on that puts cute little deer ears and noses on them and changes their voice to a high pitch.  My wife hits record and...

Wife: I love you...

KanilJr: I will eat your soul...

Wife:  :shock:

Playing it back with the high pitched voice, coupled with my kid missing his 4 front teeth made it one of the creepiest things I've seen.

Edit: Poor quality but was able to figure out how to get it to youtube.

 
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Kanil said:
My wife and son (5yo) were messing around on snapchat last night before bed.  They'll usually send little videos back and forth with my SIL and niece.  This time they've got a filter on that puts cute little deer ears and noses on them and changes their voice to a high pitch.  My wife hits record and...

Wife: I love you...

KanilJr: I will eat your soul...

Wife:  :shock:

Playing it back with the high pitched voice, coupled with my kid missing his 4 front teeth made it one of the creepiest things I've seen.

Edit: Poor quality but was able to figure out how to get it to youtube.
Click to expand...
Fantastic.

 
This morning in the car on the way to Target:

Kids: "Dad, our babysitter Kristen's dog has a weiner as big as yours!"

[I don't think my kids have actually ever seen my weiner, but whatever...]

Me: "What kind of dog is it?"

Kids: "A Chihuahua!"

 
dickey moe said:
This morning in the car on the way to Target:

Kids: "Dad, our babysitter Kristen's dog has a weiner as big as yours!"

[I don't think my kids have actually ever seen my weiner, but whatever...]

Me: "What kind of dog is it?"

Kids: "A Chihuahua!"
Click to expand...
Don't feel bad.  I've seen a chihuahua with a peener that stuck an inch past it's face.  That dog was a breeding machine!

 
Kanil said:
My wife and son (5yo) were messing around on snapchat last night before bed.  They'll usually send little videos back and forth with my SIL and niece.  This time they've got a filter on that puts cute little deer ears and noses on them and changes their voice to a high pitch.  My wife hits record and...

Wife: I love you...

KanilJr: I will eat your soul...

Wife:  :shock:

Playing it back with the high pitched voice, coupled with my kid missing his 4 front teeth made it one of the creepiest things I've seen.

Edit: Poor quality but was able to figure out how to get it to youtube.
Click to expand...
The look on your wife's face

:lol:

 
Today my 12&13yos went up on the roof to start hanging Christmas lights. As I was holding the ladder and they climbed up my 6yo said "do you think we should pray for them?"

 
5yo floppinha asked me to sing the "color game" to her.  ... I am thinking... of a color... and this one won't make you frown... it's the color of the earth, and a tree, and some mud....

daddy... it's brown. But the earth isn't brown, it's blue.

ah... really good point, monkey.

yeah. Maybe Uranus is brown . (straight face, and then... :giggle:)

 
El Floppo said:
5yo floppinha asked me to sing the "color game" to her.  ... I am thinking... of a color... and this one won't make you frown... it's the color of the earth, and a tree, and some mud....

daddy... it's brown. But the earth isn't brown, it's blue.

ah... really good point, monkey.

yeah. Maybe Uranus is brown . (straight face, and then... :giggle:)
Click to expand...
No way. 

 
Was in the shower this morning, and 9 year old is waiting so he can go in after. I tell him to wait a few minutes, since I'm shaving. So I get out:

Him: Oh, I thought you were shaving your legs. 

Me: No, mommy shaves her legs.

Him: Do any men shave their legs?

Me: Sometimes, usually professional athletes like swimmers.

Him: So not house men, like you.

Me:  <_<

 
This one was macabre and requires some back story. We know this family who have a few kids, not as many as me but more than usual. The oldest ones have had some problems with one attempting suicide. The oldest is now out on her own and has her first ever Christmas tree. I took mine to pick out an ornament for our tree and said I was looking for one for her. My 13yo asked why and I explained it's her first tree ever.

him: you mean now that she's moved out. 

Me: no. Ever. Her family didn't do Christmas. 

Him: did they at least get presents?

me: no. 

Him: well no wonder they're all sad and stuff!

 
5yo floppinha... daddy- I've got a joke!

ok..

knock-knock.

who's there?

why is the coke a daddy?

... who's there?... I dunno- why?

because it's soda pop.

:shrug:  love that she's mixing things up. keeping me on my toes.

 
Speaking of mixing things up, my 4yo son's go-to joke has become something like this recently:

Boy: "Daddy, can I tell you something?"

Me: "Sure dude, what's up?"

Boy: "Guess what?"

Me: (fully expecting "Chickenbutt!") "What, son?"

Boy: "Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there"

Boy: (cracking up) "Chickenbutt!"

Me: "Chickenbutt who?"

Boy: "(cracking continues) "Chikenbutt in your butt!"

Me: :rollseyes:

Boy: (runs out of the room giggling) "Mommy, can I tell you something?"

Me: :lmao:

 
11 year old: knock knock

Me: who's there

11 year old: Europe

Me: Europe who?

11 year old: No, you're a poo!  hahahaha

Me:  :mellow:

 
Guess what?Chicken butt.Guess why?Chicken thigh.Guess which?Chicken itch.Guess who?Chicken poo.Guess where?Chicken hair.Guess how?Chicken cow.Guess how many?Chicken Fanny.Guess the number?Chicken lumber.Guess lower?Chicken blower.Guess higher?Chicken fire.

 
Shopping at Target...

Son brings a Christmas card to me:

Nutcracker: "Boy, I'm so tired of everyone putting their nuts in my mouth!"

 
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