What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Funny things your kid has said (1 Viewer)

Walking Boot said:
I honestly can't tell if those are the kids' ages, or, she just gave up on names and refers to them by number. Like a football coach.
Click to expand...
If she's anything like my parents were when I was a kid, it probably takes an average of about 3 names in quick succession to get to the right one.

"Jim/Ted/MICHAEL! Stop that and leave your sister alone!"

 
Tonight I'm making Chinese stir-fry for dinner. I've got everything set, cooking simmering, and realize I've forgotten to start the rice. Damn it! That's an extra 20 minutes! 

ME: [son #1] how stupid am I? 

SON #1: :oldunsure: Um, am I really supposed to answer that question? 

ME: :rant:

 
This wasn't said, but done. I think it still applies. 

#10 is 2yo and he loves every manner of junk food. #11 is 1 and still confined to a crib. This morning #10 climb up a stool and stole #4's stash of powdered donuts. But he didn't eat them all himself. He took the bag and climbed into 11's crib and shared with him!! What a good boy!!

 
Sitting at the dinner table and a conversation between the wife and my oldest starts up. Youngest is sitting at the table coloring not paying attention.

Wife: " yadda, yadda, yadda..... just take a sip."

Youngest with out missing a beat: "and watch me nae nae. Watch me, watch me...." (as she starts bobbing her head and grooving in her seat, all of this without looking up and continuing to color.)

Wife and I start rolling, and it's only then that she looks up with a "who, what, you laughing at me?!?!?" face.

 
I awoke this morning to the sound of almost-9-yo JR, Jr. (not his real name) running down the hall upstairs toward the bathroom and wiping out on the tile floor. I yelled up there and he said he's ok.

So I go up there to check on him thinking he just had to pee and he had thrown up on the carpet outside the bathroom, the door, the tile and himself. "Cocoa Puffs," he told me. I'm cleaning up and he gets in the tub to take a bath, feeling much better already, but apologetic. Very sweet kid.

He said, "One good thing is that each time you throw up it decreases the chance that you will throw up again." I smiled and was like, yeah, that's probably right. He wants to be a scientist or engineer so I thought that was a fitting way to analyze it.

Jr. is hanging out in the tub and said, "I hate throwing up." And I replied, "Yeah. It's the worst feeling."

"Not as bad as dying of smallpox."

He sure had me there and continued on to explain how smallpox was brought to America along with a few other facts. Fun moment actually. I'm glad he didn't crack his head or break a leg. 

 
My 10 year old daughter is watching my 12 year old son play Minecraft, and I hear her yell "Murder his face off"!!!

 
My 6-year old daughter takes gigantic poops.

She took a dump this morning, and it flushed just fine.

I come in a few hours later after a massive lunch and drop one down.  Clogged the toilet.  I blame the daughter, after she asks me what I'm doing with the plunger.  

I say "your poo clogged the toilet".  

She says "well yeah, I am a big pooper".

Like father like daughter I guess. :oldunsure:  

 
nirad3 said:
My 6-year old daughter takes gigantic poops.

She took a dump this morning, and it flushed just fine.

I come in a few hours later after a massive lunch and drop one down.  Clogged the toilet.  I blame the daughter, after she asks me what I'm doing with the plunger.  

I say "your poo clogged the toilet".  

She says "well yeah, I am a big pooper".

Like father like daughter I guess. :oldunsure:  
Click to expand...
this one hits waaaaay too close to home, so I"m not giving you a like. or my kids and their giant, toilet busting turds.

 
El Floppo said:
nirad3 said:
My 6-year old daughter takes gigantic poops.

She took a dump this morning, and it flushed just fine.

I come in a few hours later after a massive lunch and drop one down.  Clogged the toilet.  I blame the daughter, after she asks me what I'm doing with the plunger.  

I say "your poo clogged the toilet".  

She says "well yeah, I am a big pooper".

Like father like daughter I guess. :oldunsure:  
Click to expand...
this one hits waaaaay too close to home, so I"m not giving you a like. or my kids and their giant, toilet busting turds.
Click to expand...
I have 3 boys over 17 living at home for the summer.  I win.

 
Keerock said:
I have 3 boys over 17 living at home for the summer.  I win.
Click to expand...
I win, my older boy living at home for a monthwaiting for his new home to be finished just caused $10k in damage and I have to shell out $1k deductible.

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Getzlaf15 said:
I win, my older boy living at home for a monthwaiting for his new home to be finished just caused $10k in damage and I have to shell out $1k deductible.
Click to expand...
Didn't you tell him he pays the deductibles for his stuff? Just had to hold my 17yo to it for hitting a dog with the car. What did he do?

 
These car conversations have been entertaining lately.  Another ride home from soccer practice last night produced this...

10yr old son: I know an easy way to lose weight; just don't eat for 48hrs.

8yr old son: Jesus didn't eat for 40 days!

Me: 40 days is impressive......

8yr old cuts me off: Its not fair - Jesus got to do all this cool stuff.  Why can't we?

Me: Cool stuff like what?

8yr old: He came back from the dead and moved that big rock!  I wish I could do that.

 
Me: if you drop the iPad im gonna break your head

7 yr old: you're not gonna really break my head that's just an expression

 
My 5yo offered to buy us a color changing pool light with his savings $$$ when I told them they were expensive.  I'm considering...

 
Took #5 to the dollar store. He wanted to buy those white powdered donuts. He comes back to the car with these cholocate devil roll things. He was complaining that the donuts we're all gone. I start to drive away and he jumps out. He says he was so mad they didn't have the donuts he forgot to pay!

 
We were on vacation a few weeks ago and in a restaurant and my nearly 4 year old daughter kept asking my husband why? He got sick of it and started repeating everything she said. Finally in the middle of the restaurant my daughter yells at him " Daddy, quit saying the damn thing!" He looked at her and said "Do you mean stop saying the same thing?" She yelled back "Yes daddy, quit saying the the damn thing!" All the tables around us were laughing loudly, including our waitress. Which got us a free dessert.

 
Clown Car said:
Took #5 to the dollar store. He wanted to buy those white powdered donuts. He comes back to the car with these cholocate devil roll things. He was complaining that the donuts we're all gone. I start to drive away and he jumps out. He says he was so mad they didn't have the donuts he forgot to pay!
Click to expand...
That's not safe. 

 
My wife had gone to a dinner so I had my 6 and 2 year old left with me for the evening.  Had the 2 year old in bed already.  I thought the 6 year old was watching tv in the other room.  I had CNN on watching the political stuff.  Trump came on and was making a speech.  He went into the part about Ted Cruz "Lyin' Ted Cruz, he holds the bible up, puts it down, then he lies".  He no sooner got that out of his mouth than my 6 year old daughter pops up from the corner behind the other couch in the room where she's been playing and says "I do not like Lyin' Ted".  I proceeded to tell her mother this to which my daughter then explained her reasoning "He holds the bible up and then puts it down and then he lies".  I give her an A for listening.

 
Laying on the driveway, 6 year old daughter tracing me with chalk, 4 year old son reminds her to make sure and remember to trace my penis

 
When my son was younger, probably about 8, he had tutoring downtown in an area that is not so nice.  The facility was great.  Specific for dyslexia, did wonders for him, but not an area you'd walk around at night.  One time we swung by the McDonald's close to the Center and there was a homeless guy who spotted us in the drive through.  Not sure what gave us away other than the fact we didn't really fit the demographics of the area... His eyes light up and he starts walking up to the car in the drive through from the street.  "Hey!  HEY!  Hey man!  Yo!  HEY! HEY!!!"  I get our stuff before he gets too close and proceed to ignore him and drive out to pull on the street.  Of course I get caught waiting for traffic and now he is frantically hobbling up from the back of the car now.. "HEY!  YOU!  HEY!  YO!  HEY MAN!".  I pull out into traffic before he gets up to the car and proceed to have this conversation with my son..

Son: "Who was that guy??"

Me: "Nobody. Just a bum."

Son: (thinks about this for a minute, very perplexed) "But... How could he be a bum?  He didn't have a hat?"

Me:  :confused:   :lmao:

 
So I'm in the living room last night, and my 9 year old son and wife are in the room. We are trying to get ready for vacation, so I've been getting stuff ready in the garage. I spend a lot of time out there working on projects and what not throughout the year. Anyway, here's the conversation:

Me: "Ok, I need to get out to the garage and get some things done."

Wife: "Sounds good, what do you still need to get done."

9yo: "Sitting around goofing off and drinking beer."

Me:  :lol:

 
top dog said:
When my son was younger, probably about 8, he had tutoring downtown in an area that is not so nice.  The facility was great.  Specific for dyslexia, did wonders for him, but not an area you'd walk around at night.  One time we swung by the McDonald's close to the Center and there was a homeless guy who spotted us in the drive through.  Not sure what gave us away other than the fact we didn't really fit the demographics of the area... His eyes light up and he starts walking up to the car in the drive through from the street.  "Hey!  HEY!  Hey man!  Yo!  HEY! HEY!!!"  I get our stuff before he gets too close and proceed to ignore him and drive out to pull on the street.  Of course I get caught waiting for traffic and now he is frantically hobbling up from the back of the car now.. "HEY!  YOU!  HEY!  YO!  HEY MAN!".  I pull out into traffic before he gets up to the car and proceed to have this conversation with my son..

Son: "Who was that guy??"

Me: "Nobody. Just a bum."

Son: (thinks about this for a minute, very perplexed) "But... How could he be a bum?  He didn't have a hat?"

Me:  :confused:   :lmao:
Click to expand...
Fast forward about a decade... Son is now 16.. All the kids went together and got me a PS4 for christmas..

Me: "How do I figure out what games I want to get?"

Son: "Look on gamestop.com and see what games interest you.. They have walkthroughs on youtube and what not so you can see them.."

Me: "Is that how you pick out your games?"

Son: "Yeah.  and if I find one I like I beg mom for it."

Me: "Well, grandma died 14 years ago so..."

Son: "I'm just telling you how I do it..."

 
Tried to get my soon to be 7-year old son to change his disgusting, crusty shirt before traveling to school this morning:

Son (running out of the room and screaming): "YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY LIFE!!!!"

 
I've mentioned (I think) that 9yo Floppinho takes performance classes at the School of Rock here in NYC. this term, they're doing AC/DC vs Black Sabbath- he's drumming and singing on 5 tunes.

dad- I'm definitely going to need 3 shirley temples during my performances.

huh?

1 before black sabbath (the song) and one after. it's exhausting to play- I'm going to need to fuel up.

had two thoughts- this is a gateway drug, right? also imagined bill ward slamming down a bunch of sts before brawling with bandmates and falling off the stage.

 
Daughter: "Dad, one day I'm going to be 100. Then I'll be as big as a giant and won't be able to fit in my house because I'll be too tall, like a giant"

 
Bunch of neighborhood kids at the house(put up a new hoop that goes down to 5 feet so all the kids like to dunk)

I'm in the garage getting down hedge clippers to trim the bushes

4yo: Daddy's getting out the chainsaw!!!(kids scream)

Me:buddy it's not a chainsaw they're hedge trimmers

4yo: DADDY IS GOING TO CUT OUR HEADS OFF!!!!

Me: HEDGE trimmers buddy, not head trimmers

4yo: Daddy would you ever cut my head off?

Me: Ummm no

 
lumpy19 said:
Bunch of neighborhood kids at the house(put up a new hoop that goes down to 5 feet so all the kids like to dunk)

I'm in the garage getting down hedge clippers to trim the bushes

4yo: Daddy's getting out the chainsaw!!!(kids scream)

Me:buddy it's not a chainsaw they're hedge trimmers

4yo: DADDY IS GOING TO CUT OUR HEADS OFF!!!!

Me: HEDGE trimmers buddy, not head trimmers

4yo: Daddy would you ever cut my head off?

Me: Ummm no
Click to expand...
You shouldn't take that option off the table in their mind.  It shows weakness.

 
Walking Boot said:
Shirley Temples? Sounds pretty :limpwrist:

At least get him hooked on Roy Rogers's. 

And, for real authenticity, haven't him snort a line of Pixie Stix before his set. 
Click to expand...
roy rogers... don't know it- I'll recommend.

we're very worried about what internet macho men think about our son- want to make sure we mix the grenadine with the most butch soft drink possible.

and he already fires up every show with the meth.

 
Walking Boot said:
Shirley Temples? Sounds pretty :limpwrist:

At least get him hooked on Roy Rogers's. 

And, for real authenticity, haven't him snort a line of Pixie Stix before his set. 
Click to expand...
Friend of mine who's 6'8" 300# (not fat) doesn't drink booze anymore.  Orders Shirley Temples all the time.  Awesome juxtaposition.

 
couple weeks back i came home from work, let the dog out and noticed she was sniffing along our fence. she wouldn't leave it alone so i walked over to see what she was so anxious about........ raccoon in the window well.

small one, curled up in a ball, middle of the afternoon, not dead but not really trying to get away. must be hurt. maybe the dog got it? unpossible since the dog is afraid of ..... everything.

wife is due home in a few minutes. she has the kids. don't want her letting them out of the car to run around in case the raccoon gets spooked and does something rash. so i call and tell her there's a raccoon by the house, make the kids go right inside when you get home.

she doesn't listen

wife: well, are you going to do anything?????

me: like.... what? 

wife: i dunno.. grab it? poke it? scare it out of there??

me: yes, i will grab this wounded wild animal with my bare hands and heroically punt it in to space :thumbup:

6 year old:  just feed it some trash, dad. raccoons eat trash.

me: yes, yes they do. they eat trash.

6 year old: FEED IT TRASH, DAD! YEAH! TRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!  (runs around manically flapping her arms screaming FEED IT TRASH!!)

:lmao:   :lmao:   :lmao:  

 
My 6-year old... she knows that I think it's cute/funny so she continues to call it "hanitizer".

(Hand sanitizer)

 
Also, my 4-year old boy (yes, it took him this long, ugh) who is finally potty-trained... wanted my wife to leave a gigantic turd he took in the toilet for me to see when I got home from work. :lol:

 
My daughter has trouble going to sleep. So we are trying a new thing to not engage her when she is in her room laying in bed. Tonight she is yelling mom, mommy over and over. I am ignoring her hoping it will stop. Finally she stops yelling for me and I hear her grunt in disgust and say "I just hate it when they won't talk to me Skippy" Skippy is her stuffed animal puppy. 

 
nirad3 said:
Also, my 4-year old boy (yes, it took him this long, ugh) who is finally potty-trained... wanted my wife to leave a gigantic turd he took in the toilet for me to see when I got home from work. :lol:
Click to expand...
Should have had him take a picture and text it to you. That's what my son did once. 

He was 17 at the time. 

Just kidding about being 17, but I thought that would be funny to add. 

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Every time my daughter says something funny enough I think "Got to remember to post this in the thread!"  Then I get here and forget the hilariousness she provided.   :wall:

 
Thanksgiving 2016. 

DaughterA is almost 14. Wife is prepping some food for Thanksgiving and yells up to A asking if she wants to help.

A: Help with what?
Wife: Do you want to help?
A: Help with what?
Wife: Do you want to help?
A: Never sign a legal document without reading it first. 
Wife: She is SO your daughter. 

:wub:

 
Green and Gold said:
Myself, my wife, and two boys, 7 (g&g7) and 5 (g&g5), are driving to my brother's house for a day of swimming.  G&g7 decides this is the right time to tell everyone how much he knows about politics.  We'll pick this up mid conversation:

g&g7: Yes, and our president is Obama.
g&g5: Who is Obama?
g&g7: Barack Obama, he is the president of the United States.
g&g5: Han's pet?
Wife: What?
Me: Uh, Han's...?  Oh! No buddy, that's Chewbacca.
g&g5: Chewbacca is the president of the united states?
Me: No, Barack Obama is the president of the united states.  Chewbacca is a wookie.
g&g7: I would vote for Chewbacca as president, that would be awesome.  Except no, that wouldn't work.  We'd need Han to tell us what Chewy is saying, but he can't because he's dead.
Click to expand...
Spoiler please...

 
MikeIke said:
Should have had him take a picture and text it to you. That's what my son did once. 

He was 17 at the time. 

Just kidding about being 17, but I thought that would be funny to add. 
Click to expand...
One of my best friends started making short films in junior high. One of his best efforts was a horror series entitled The Foot Long Crap. Got his sisters to run through the house screaming and everything. Zoom shot to the toilet bowl of one of his huge log craps and then fade. He made a sequel and then another.

 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

DJackson10
Just Started a new job at a Cigar company. Help me learn more about I’m selling please
Replies
17
Views
393
Mrs. Rannous
Mrs. Rannous
Anarchy99
Random Things You've Found While Looking For Something Else
Replies
1
Views
203
rockaction
rockaction
Joe Bryant
My Father In Law
Replies
41
Views
879
jm192
jm192

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)
Back
Top