Funny things your kid has said (1 Viewer)

[The Duchess]

Our lawn is pretty big and we haven't yet bought a ride on mower so raking is a family affair. We get the big kids raking and the smaller kids bagging. While it takes the better part of the day, I consider it a fun day as the kids are playing in the piles of grass and being silly. 8 yr old says we should get a goat.

Yesterday the 2 yr old was being a bully and taking the 5 yr olds crayons on him. He says, "do I HAVE to have a little sister? Can't we trade her for the goat?"

 

[thornberry]

My cousin was working a job for a while where he was driving a dump truck and he would occasionally drive it home for convenience, which of course made his 3-year-old son very happy. He loved to climb around on the dump truck and would tell everyone about it. However, he was just learning to talk and for some reason when he pronounced "dump truck", the "p" was silent and the "tr" sounded like "f". So it sounded like he was saying "dum f***".

We went to see them one Saturday that my cousin had to work. He had driven the dump truck home the night before and left before his son woke up. When he noticed the missing truck, he asked his mother where the "dum f***" was. The mother took the mispronounciation in stride having heard it several times before. However, the rest of us had smirks on our face, trying hard to hold back the laughter. We couldn't hold it back any longer when the mother replied, "You're daddy's at work today, sweetie."

 

[El Floppo]

My cousin was working a job for a while where he was driving a dump truck and he would occasionally drive it home for convenience, which of course made his 3-year-old son very happy. He loved to climb around on the dump truck and would tell everyone about it. However, he was just learning to talk and for some reason when he pronounced "dump truck", the "p" was silent and the "tr" sounded like "f". So it sounded like he was saying "dum f***". We went to see them one Saturday that my cousin had to work. He had driven the dump truck home the night before and left before his son woke up. When he noticed the missing truck, he asked his mother where the "dum f***" was. The mother took the mispronounciation in stride having heard it several times before. However, the rest of us had smirks on our face, trying hard to hold back the laughter. We couldn't hold it back any longer when the mother replied, "You're daddy's at work today, sweetie."

 

[RudiStein]

I got a text and photo earlier today from my 16 year old. He's at school. I guess they're doing some sort of project that involves food.

The pic is of an electric griddle with bacon and breakfast sausages cooking on it.

Text: what are you teaching in history today? we get bacon.

richard

 

[snitwitch]

My 3.5 year old is in a preschool / day care program at the local Jewish Community Center. We are not Jewish by any stretch, it just happens we like the program there, and religious affinity is not a prerequisite for attending the school.

My kid has been coming home with all sorts of interesting artwork ("Mommy, this is my Sukkah") and talks about how they blow the Shofar at his school and stuff like that. We sent him to school with chicken beans and rice made by our Brazillian nanny's mother, and a note was sent home about how it didn't comport with their vegetarian-kosher meal policy.

In any event, my wife says to my kid the other day: "Kid, you know we're not Jewish, right?"

His reply? "Mommy, we are Jewess"

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Oh holy hell

Mrs. SLB: (sternly) Calvin, go to bed!

Cal: I'm sorry but Calvin isn't in right now, please leave a message at the beep. beeeeeeeeepppppp

Mrs. SLB: Calvin, this is Mom, please go to bed, it is getting late.

Cal: I'm sorry, your message didn't record. Please try again later. Good bye.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I got a text and photo earlier today from my 16 year old. He's at school. I guess they're doing some sort of project that involves food.

The pic is of an electric griddle with bacon and breakfast sausages cooking on it.

Text: what are you teaching in history today? we get bacon.

richard

Food Inc.

 

[Early_10]

Last night we were getting ready for my BiLs wedding party. My dad was helping the boys with their shirts and ties. When the oldest, 16, was dressed he came upstairs to help pop with his little brothers. Pop asks the 16 yr old if he has any cash with him to buy drinks for him and his gf. When he says no, my dad gives him a $50. 5 yr old says, "I don't have any money either! " and my dad gives him $5. 5 yr old says, 'thats not the colour bill you gave my brother!" Dad tells him since the 16 yr old is wearing his red tie, he got the red 50. Since the 5 yr old is wearing his blue suit, he gets the blue 5.

8 year old chimes in, "I'm wearing brown!"

Canadian hundreds are brown.

 

[RudiStein]

Monopoly money is cool.

 

[GTBilly]

Last night we were getting ready for my BiLs wedding party. My dad was helping the boys with their shirts and ties. When the oldest, 16, was dressed he came upstairs to help pop with his little brothers. Pop asks the 16 yr old if he has any cash with him to buy drinks for him and his gf. When he says no, my dad gives him a $50. 5 yr old says, "I don't have any money either! " and my dad gives him $5. 5 yr old says, 'thats not the colour bill you gave my brother!" Dad tells him since the 16 yr old is wearing his red tie, he got the red 50. Since the 5 yr old is wearing his blue suit, he gets the blue 5. 8 year old chimes in, "I'm wearing brown!" Canadian hundreds are brown.

hehehehehehe

 

[SuperJohn96]

I got a text and photo earlier today from my 16 year old. He's at school. I guess they're doing some sort of project that involves food.

The pic is of an electric griddle with bacon and breakfast sausages cooking on it.

Text: what are you teaching in history today? we get bacon.

richard

Food Inc.

Was there a penny in the picture?

 

[Sack-Religious]

My son (6) had his first school dance on Friday. Well not really so much a dance as a bunch of kids running around going bat#### crazy, screaming, playing tag, kind of dancing when the DJ made them do the Macarena, etc. topped off by the DJ throwing candy at them.

Anyway, "admission" to the dance was a donation to the food bank. On the way to the dance we had to explain what a foodbank was, which we did. Then, this conversation took place.

Son: I thought if people didn't have food, they'd just eat other people

Me: Ummm, no. That's gross dude, humans don't eat other humans

Son: Well, I would

Me: How would you cook them?

Son: BBQ

Me: What would you eat first

Son: The crotch

Me: And, we're done here.

 

[Bob Lee Swagger]

My son (6) had his first school dance on Friday. Well not really so much a dance as a bunch of kids running around going bat#### crazy, screaming, playing tag, kind of dancing when the DJ made them do the Macarena, etc. topped off by the DJ throwing candy at them. Anyway, "admission" to the dance was a donation to the food bank. On the way to the dance we had to explain what a foodbank was, which we did. Then, this conversation took place. Son: I thought if people didn't have food, they'd just eat other peopleMe: Ummm, no. That's gross dude, humans don't eat other humansSon: Well, I wouldMe: How would you cook them? Son: BBQMe: What would you eat firstSon: The crotchMe: And, we're done here. :(

 

[RudiStein]

My son (6) had his first school dance on Friday. Well not really so much a dance as a bunch of kids running around going bat#### crazy, screaming, playing tag, kind of dancing when the DJ made them do the Macarena, etc. topped off by the DJ throwing candy at them. Anyway, "admission" to the dance was a donation to the food bank. On the way to the dance we had to explain what a foodbank was, which we did. Then, this conversation took place. Son: I thought if people didn't have food, they'd just eat other peopleMe: Ummm, no. That's gross dude, humans don't eat other humansSon: Well, I wouldMe: How would you cook them? Son: BBQMe: What would you eat firstSon: The crotchMe: And, we're done here. :(

 

[Billy Costigan Jr]

My son (6) had his first school dance on Friday. Well not really so much a dance as a bunch of kids running around going bat#### crazy, screaming, playing tag, kind of dancing when the DJ made them do the Macarena, etc. topped off by the DJ throwing candy at them. Anyway, "admission" to the dance was a donation to the food bank. On the way to the dance we had to explain what a foodbank was, which we did. Then, this conversation took place. Son: I thought if people didn't have food, they'd just eat other peopleMe: Ummm, no. That's gross dude, humans don't eat other humansSon: Well, I wouldMe: How would you cook them? Son: BBQMe: What would you eat firstSon: The crotchMe: And, we're done here. :(

This might be the best post in this thread...

 

[MikeIke]

Oh holy hellMrs. SLB: (sternly) Calvin, go to bed!Cal: I'm sorry but Calvin isn't in right now, please leave a message at the beep. beeeeeeeeeppppppMrs. SLB: Calvin, this is Mom, please go to bed, it is getting late.Cal: I'm sorry, your message didn't record. Please try again later. Good bye.

I love Cal. Want to trade? I've got a three year old with plenty of mileage left in him.

 

[Deranged Hermit]

The following phrase was uttered by my daughter while we were eating dinner last night: "I CAN NOT get all this meat to fit in my taco".

I was:

My wife saw my reaction and was:

Really hope I never hear that phrase from her again as long as I live.

 

[GroveDiesel]

My son (6) had his first school dance on Friday. Well not really so much a dance as a bunch of kids running around going bat#### crazy, screaming, playing tag, kind of dancing when the DJ made them do the Macarena, etc. topped off by the DJ throwing candy at them. Anyway, "admission" to the dance was a donation to the food bank. On the way to the dance we had to explain what a foodbank was, which we did. Then, this conversation took place. Son: I thought if people didn't have food, they'd just eat other peopleMe: Ummm, no. That's gross dude, humans don't eat other humansSon: Well, I wouldMe: How would you cook them? Son: BBQMe: What would you eat firstSon: The crotchMe: And, we're done here.

 

[pats3in4]

My 3yr old daughter was visiting our newborn in the NICU and brought along her little Pinky Pie doll. One of the nurses comes over, bends down to make eye contact and asks softly, "Is that 'My Little Pony'"?

My daughter immediately pulls the doll away, looks at her distrustfully and loudly proclaims "No! It's MY little pony!"

The rest of the nurses started cracking up.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

I love Cal. Want to trade? I've got a three year old with plenty of mileage left in him.

I also got a 3 year old. 2-1 deal?

My son (6) had his first school dance on Friday. Well not really so much a dance as a bunch of kids running around going bat#### crazy, screaming, playing tag, kind of dancing when the DJ made them do the Macarena, etc. topped off by the DJ throwing candy at them. Anyway, "admission" to the dance was a donation to the food bank. On the way to the dance we had to explain what a foodbank was, which we did. Then, this conversation took place. Son: I thought if people didn't have food, they'd just eat other peopleMe: Ummm, no. That's gross dude, humans don't eat other humansSon: Well, I wouldMe: How would you cook them? Son: BBQMe: What would you eat firstSon: The crotchMe: And, we're done here.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

We were at the doctor with Cal yesterday...

Doctor: How are you today Calvin?

Cal: Fine.

Doctor: So are you having fun? What do you like?

Cal: Playing outside and music.

Doctor: Oh, music! Who are your favorite groups?

Cal: Michael Jackson, The Beatles and John, um (looks at Mrs SLB) what's his last name? (editors note: I'm glad this appointment wasn't a couple of months ago or Nickleback and Lady Gaga would have been named. )

Mrs. SLB: Mellencamp

Cal: Yeah, Mellencamp. Did you know he needs a lover that won't drive him crazy?

Doctor:

Cal: (Looks at Mrs. SLB) Mom, remember on vacation when you were driving Dad crazy and he missed that turn?

Mrs. SLB :facepalm:

Cal: (Looks at me, smiles and shakes his head )

 

[Clown Car]

My 6 yo has been cracking me up lately. 2 of the recent good ones:

Me: Quinn, what do you have to do to get to heaven?

6yo: Die.

Another day, the 3 yo came in complaining that the 7yo was chasing him, pushing him, etc. The 7 yo argues that they were playing tag. 6yo comes in and I ask him what was going on out there. He explains that 7yo was chasing 3 yo and pushing him down. I started chewing out 7 yo about not harming his brothers, blah blah blah and the 6 yo turns and states "My work here is done!" and rushes out.

 

[SimonMoon]

Took my almost-5-year-old son to get an allergy test last week. If you've never seen it done, basically the nurse draws, with a ballpoint pen, a big ol' numbered and lettered grid covering the entire back, and then proceeds to poke tiny needles of various allergens in the corresponding spots, and a red welt develops if you're allergic to that particular thing. There are, like, 25 separate needles.

So just before she begins poking, she says, "Now, honey, this won't hurt much; it'll feel like a toothpick or something."

The first one makes him jump, a little, but he settles in and handles it like the tough guy he is. After a few minutes, some welts start to bump up. Quite a few, and each one itches like crazy. My little dude is writhing, unable to scratch, and I'm saying, "You definitely have some stuff going on back here, bud..."

And he sighs and says, "Yep. I must be allergic to toothpicks."

 

[RudiStein]

We were at the doctor with Cal yesterday...

Doctor: How are you today Calvin?

Cal: Fine.

Doctor: So are you having fun? What do you like?

Cal: Playing outside and music.

Doctor: Oh, music! Who are your favorite groups?

Cal: Michael Jackson, The Beatles and John, um (looks at Mrs SLB) what's his last name? (editors note: I'm glad this appointment wasn't a couple of months ago or Nickleback and Lady Gaga would have been named. )

Mrs. SLB: Mellencamp

Cal: Yeah, Mellencamp. Did you know he needs a lover that won't drive him crazy?Doctor:

Cal: (Looks at Mrs. SLB) Mom, remember on vacation when you were driving Dad crazy and he missed that turn?

Mrs. SLB :facepalm:

Cal: (Looks at me, smiles and shakes his head )

<_< So awesome.

 

[mr roboto]

A couple weeks ago we took our 2 1/2 year old daughter to one of those pumpkin-patch, apple picking farms. They had all the usuals like hay rides, apple cider etc. They also had little carnival rides that required tickets which came in little books attached end to end.

I was at home the next week and she said

"Daddy, I found yours and Mommy's tickets!"

"I don't think we had any tickets left over honey. Bring it here and I'll see what it is."

She comes out of our master bedroom with a handful of condoms from our night stand. They were attached to one another in the packaging just like a strip of tickets.

"Daddy, can we bring these tickets and get some rides?"

"Sort of honey. Those are Mommy and Daddy's tickets. Can you please put them back?"

I resisted the urge to make a joke about 'getting rides out of the tickets.'

 

[KGB]

I don't know why but we were talking about man evolving from apes.

My son corrected us. Its monkeys we are from and the monkess had a baby. That's how baby jesus got here

 

[saintsfan]

My 5 year old was telling a story about how somebody did something funny in her class and she said, "Dad, we were crapping up laughing."

Needless to say, I started "crapping up laughing" myself.

 

[John 14:6]

My 2yo can barely talk, but she's now in the habit of crying out "I NEVER!" several times during her tantrums.

The other morning my 4yo daughter and I were brushing our teeth at the same time. As she left the bathroom she looked over her shoulder at me and said, "Enjoy your shower!"

 

[Bob Lee Swagger]

My 2yo can barely talk, but she's now in the habit of crying out "I NEVER!" several times during her tantrums.

Your daughter's future.

 

[mattdaddy]

6 year old son complaining about an empty can of hair mousse.

"I was trying to fix my hair but all I got was mousse juice."

 

[Billy Costigan Jr]

6 year old son complaining about an empty can of hair mousse."I was trying to fix my hair but all I got was mousse juice."

:That'swhathesaid:

 

[John 14:6]

My 5yo son called from the bathroom, "Ew, gross!!! Guys, there's some blue stuff in the toilet water!"

Me: "That's just some stuff Mommy puts in there to make the water clean."

Son: "Well, it's not going to be clean for long!"

I start cracking up...

Son: "Because I'm going to POOP in it!"

 

[bakes]

9 y/o daughter decided that she did NOT want to go on Expedition Everest at Disneyworld while we were almost on the ride. Said "I'll call you the F word if you make me!" as we stood at the front of the line. So we go on the ride, she closes her eyes pretty much the whole way. We get off the ride and she looks me dead in the eye and says "You're a ####ing idiot."

She's right, of course...

 

[RudiStein]

9 y/o daughter decided that she did NOT want to go on Expedition Everest at Disneyworld while we were almost on the ride. Said "I'll call you the F word if you make me!" as we stood at the front of the line. So we go on the ride, she closes her eyes pretty much the whole way. We get off the ride and she looks me dead in the eye and says "You're a ####ing idiot." She's right, of course...

 

[EasyMorningRebel]

9 y/o daughter decided that she did NOT want to go on Expedition Everest at Disneyworld while we were almost on the ride. Said "I'll call you the F word if you make me!" as we stood at the front of the line. So we go on the ride, she closes her eyes pretty much the whole way. We get off the ride and she looks me dead in the eye and says "You're a ####ing idiot." She's right, of course...

wow...I would not have lived to do it again.

 

[bshell27]

My 4 year old daughter saw the Chick-Fil-A commercial where cows make a projector presentation to eat more chicken.

Her: why are the cows doing that

Me: because they dont want people to eat them

Her (in a surprised voice): PEOPLE EAT COWS

Me: Yes (Not enough heart to inform her that she does too in the form of hamburgers, etc.)

Her: That is too bad for the cows (not a sympathetic voice, more of a could care less voice)

 

[St. Louis Bob]

9 y/o daughter decided that she did NOT want to go on Expedition Everest at Disneyworld while we were almost on the ride. Said "I'll call you the F word if you make me!" as we stood at the front of the line. So we go on the ride, she closes her eyes pretty much the whole way. We get off the ride and she looks me dead in the eye and says "You're a ####ing idiot." She's right, of course...

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Yesterday I walk into the bathroom and, aw man.....

SLB: WHO POOPED, DIDN'T WIPE AND DIDN'T FLUSH?!!

Dylan(3): MOMMY!

 

[KGB]

9 y/o daughter decided that she did NOT want to go on Expedition Everest at Disneyworld while we were almost on the ride. Said "I'll call you the F word if you make me!" as we stood at the front of the line. So we go on the ride, she closes her eyes pretty much the whole way. We get off the ride and she looks me dead in the eye and says "You're a ####ing idiot." She's right, of course...

 

[Rooster]

My wife's a teacher and comes home with this story last night. Her class walks outside for recess and some maintenance people are across the street and this little girl looks up to her and says, "Mrs. Rooster, are they going to shoot us?" and my wife says, "No, they're not going to shoot us." and the kid says, "Then why do they have a cannon?" They had a cement mixer that looks sorta like this.

 

[RudiStein]

My wife's a teacher and comes home with this story last night. Her class walks outside for recess and some maintenance people are across the street and this little girl looks up to her and says, "Mrs. Rooster, are they going to shoot us?" and my wife says, "No, they're not going to shoot us." and the kid says, "Then why do they have a cannon?" They had a cement mixer that looks sorta like this.

Kids are dumb.

 

[El Floppo]

My wife's a teacher and comes home with this story last night. Her class walks outside for recess and some maintenance people are across the street and this little girl looks up to her and says, "Mrs. Rooster, are they going to shoot us?" and my wife says, "No, they're not going to shoot us." and the kid says, "Then why do they have a cannon?" They had a cement mixer that looks sorta like this.

Kids are dumb.

my kid is a complete moron.

 

[belljr]

Getting ready for a Christmas gathering at my parents yesterday.

Wife: Does this outfit make me look fat.

5 year old daughter: A little fat mommy.

Me:

Wife:

Daughter now thinking it's funny. Just kept repeating it.

Deep down I think it stung her a little.

 

[Superbowl Shuffle]

5 year old son loves Christmas. He tells me:

"Some people don't celebrate Christmas. Some people celebrate Hannukah. And some people celebrate Kansas."

 

[iamsmilin]

5 year old son loves Christmas. He tells me:

"Some people don't celebrate Christmas. Some people celebrate Hannukah. And some people celebrate Kansas."

My son has wished me a Happy Hannukah and a Happy Kwanza. It's amazing what they learn in school.

 

[ditka85]

When asked what he wanted to be when he grows up, my 5 yo son said, "I want to be a Mac & Cheese Salesman."

 

[Bob Lee Swagger]

When asked what he wanted to be when he grows up, my 5 yo son said, "I want to be a Mac & Cheese Salesman."

That stuff sells itself.

 

[Kanil]

When asked what he wanted to be when he grows up, my 5 yo son said, "I want to be a Mac & Cheese Salesman."

This reminded me of a story my mom loves to tell of when my brother and I were kids:mom: What do you guys want to be when you grow up?brother: An astronaut!mom: That's great. What about you Kanil?me: I want to be the guy that gets the money at the gas station!!!mom:

 

[GroveDiesel]

5 year old son loves Christmas. He tells me:

"Some people don't celebrate Christmas. Some people celebrate Hannukah. And some people celebrate Kansas."

My son has wished me a Happy Hannukah and a Happy Kwanza. It's amazing what they learn in school.

I swear school is the only place Kwanka is actually celebrated.

 

[GroveDiesel]

My daughter doesn't talk much right now at 20 months, but she is proving that farting is universally funny. Everytime I change her diaper, she scrunches up her face and forces out a fart. Every. Single. Time. And then laughs like maniac.