Funny things your kid has said (1 Viewer)

[Peak]

Went out of town for my 9 year olds baseball tournament. Wife and I are in the front, 9 year old and 7 year old are in the back. We stopped at Burger King (at their request) for dinner that night. My wife decides to go inside to use the facilities as the drive thru line was extremely slow. By the time I placed our order and drove around to the pay window, my wife was standing in the parking lot and walked over to our car.

Me: <rolling down the passenger window> "Hey Baby....need a ride?"

Her: <rolls eyes and gets into the car>

9 year old talking to his little brother: "See that? Now that's how you pick up a woman! Hey Baby!"

Me:

Wife:

 

[jhib]

Yeah, I never realized how filthy the lyrics were to my music until I started carting around the kid. Even the "clean" versions of songs have me panicking to hit the "next" button at times.

Just catching up on this thread. I know this feeling.

My wife and I have been watching Freaks & Geeks again now that our kids are old enough to appreciate it. This one was on last night, and it's how I pictured you just now: https://youtu.be/n9WivuyE_PU

 

[MattFancy]

We're in the process of potty training our 2 y/o daughter.

She congratulated me for pooping the other day.

 

[TheIronSheik]

Yeah, I never realized how filthy the lyrics were to my music until I started carting around the kid. Even the "clean" versions of songs have me panicking to hit the "next" button at times.

Just catching up on this thread. I know this feeling.

My wife and I have been watching Freaks & Geeks again now that our kids are old enough to appreciate it. This one was on last night, and it's how I pictured you just now: https://youtu.be/n9WivuyE_PU

Yeah, if the lyrics were that vague, I'd be OK with it. I'm talking more about some of the hip hop songs I have where all they do is blank out the word, but you know exactly what they were going to say.

 

[El Floppo]

Yeah, I never realized how filthy the lyrics were to my music until I started carting around the kid. Even the "clean" versions of songs have me panicking to hit the "next" button at times.

Just catching up on this thread. I know this feeling.

My wife and I have been watching Freaks & Geeks again now that our kids are old enough to appreciate it. This one was on last night, and it's how I pictured you just now: https://youtu.be/n9WivuyE_PU

Yeah, if the lyrics were that vague, I'd be OK with it. I'm talking more about some of the hip hop songs I have where all they do is blank out the word, but you know exactly what they were going to say.

"pancakes"?

 

[Ned]

6 year old has a paper bracelet on from a summer camp field trip. She asks me to take it off and says "Mommy thinks you might need scissors"

so I grab it and tear it off without using scissors.

My daughter looks at me in amazement and says

"That. Was. Amazeballs"

complete with dramatic pauses.

I'm out of likes today - I owe ya one for Amazeballs. Holy #### that's funny!

 

[shadyridr]

My 5 yr old told us he poops like an animal

 

[shadyridr]

Ironically my son just discoveredhis balls. Took him almost 6 years

 

[jhib]

Yeah, I never realized how filthy the lyrics were to my music until I started carting around the kid. Even the "clean" versions of songs have me panicking to hit the "next" button at times.

Just catching up on this thread. I know this feeling.

My wife and I have been watching Freaks & Geeks again now that our kids are old enough to appreciate it. This one was on last night, and it's how I pictured you just now: https://youtu.be/n9WivuyE_PU

Yeah, if the lyrics were that vague, I'd be OK with it. I'm talking more about some of the hip hop songs I have where all they do is blank out the word, but you know exactly what they were going to say.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I'd swear Sirius XM leaves in half the word, too.

Still, that dad cracks me up. Just the right mix of having a clue but clueless at the same time.

 

[shadyridr]

So I guess its not ok that my son sings along to "Baby, Im wasted, all I wanna do is drive home to you"

 

[Ned]

Ironically my son just discoveredhis balls. Took him almost 6 years

My 6yr old loves to call them acorns.

 

[Johnny Rock]

My son said, "I miss the good old days."

Me: Can you give me an example?

Him: Crawling into your bed from the bottom.

Me: You still do that!

He's 7 in a few weeks.

 

[belljr]

This is a 2 parter.....

A few weeks ago I was driving my 2 sons (8 & 6) home from soccer practice and we were talking about what they learned. I was going over a play and my 6yr old goes with that sheepish look like he's in trouble..."Daddy, you said a whole lotta words and then a little bit'a words. I only understood the little bit'a words. You talk too fast" OK, I get it. I get excited about soccer.

So last night the 6yr old is telling my wife how the US men's soccer team beat Germany in a friendly.

Wife: "Friendly?"

Me: "Picture it like a preaseason game or an organized scrimmage...."

6yr old cuts me off: "Mommy, I can say this faster. The game doesn't count" <_<

he's right

 

[Ash]

Forgot to post this in this thread. Our 6 year old left a note for the tooth fairy a couple months ago. At that point she hadn't lost her first tooth yet. Evidently she had left the note under her pillow, and my wife found it in the trash. Dear Tooth Fairy

I'd sleep with one eye open if I was you. And a pack of M&Ms handy.

 

[Clown Car]

My 14yo daughter was sitting on the floor with her dogs head in her lap. My 3yo girl wants to sit with her.

14yo: no, lucky is sitting with me.

3yo: let me sit with you or I will hit you.

14yo: don't be like that. It's not nice.

3yo: but it's my PLAN!

 

[Workhorse]

When asked what he missed the most about his two weeks at Jewish sleepaway camp, my 9 year old son gave a one-word reply:

"Bacon."

 

[B Maverick]

Listening to the Kids Bop station on Satellite Radio and Uptown Funk comes on. The song is being sung by kids and isnt the real song.

My 6yo:

"They are changing the words to make this song more appropriate for kids. Its not working."

 

[Golden Gopher]

Man, I probably have a bunch that I can't think of, but this one was recent. Probably more cute than funny, but worth sharing nonetheless....

We were at the park the other day, and my 4YO daughter asked me to give her "one big push" to get her started on the swings. I did, and she burst out laughing, then said "Daddy, that was so high that I felt wind in my heart! It was a little bit scary."

She was trying to describe the way it feels when your heart skips a beat. Like the moment you go over the edge of a roller coaster, etc. Pretty cool to hear her try to describe it.

 

[El Floppo]

Man, I probably have a bunch that I can't think of, but this one was recent. Probably more cute than funny, but worth sharing nonetheless....

We were at the park the other day, and my 4YO daughter asked me to give her "one big push" to get her started on the swings. I did, and she burst out laughing, then said "Daddy, that was so high that I felt wind in my heart! It was a little bit scary."

She was trying to describe the way it feels when your heart skips a beat. Like the moment you go over the edge of a roller coaster, etc. Pretty cool to hear her try to describe it.

love that

 

[Golden Gopher]

So my 7 year old comes up to me last night in the garage:

Him: Daddy, there is a snake in the bathroom.

Me: Seriously?

Him: Yeah, it's a garden snake.

Me: How the heck did it get in there?

Him: Came outta my butt when I took my dump.

My 3YO son (just turned 3 on the 4th) yelled from the bathroom the other day that he had just pooped. I said "You did?" and he said "Yeah, and it's a big one!" He stepped off the toilet, and we both looked into the bowl. There was nothing there. He had this look of confusion/disappointment on his face, but when I checked his bottom, I couldn't help but laugh at the marble-sized pellet that was stuck to it.

Wasn't as big as he thought, but he was still just as proud (once we found it).

 

[Golden Gopher]

Man, I probably have a bunch that I can't think of, but this one was recent. Probably more cute than funny, but worth sharing nonetheless....

We were at the park the other day, and my 4YO daughter asked me to give her "one big push" to get her started on the swings. I did, and she burst out laughing, then said "Daddy, that was so high that I felt wind in my heart! It was a little bit scary."

She was trying to describe the way it feels when your heart skips a beat. Like the moment you go over the edge of a roller coaster, etc. Pretty cool to hear her try to describe it.

love that

Yeah, it's moments like that that are priceless (and I don't ever want to forget).

 

[Keerock]

Man, I probably have a bunch that I can't think of, but this one was recent. Probably more cute than funny, but worth sharing nonetheless....

We were at the park the other day, and my 4YO daughter asked me to give her "one big push" to get her started on the swings. I did, and she burst out laughing, then said "Daddy, that was so high that I felt wind in my heart! It was a little bit scary."

She was trying to describe the way it feels when your heart skips a beat. Like the moment you go over the edge of a roller coaster, etc. Pretty cool to hear her try to describe it.

Reminds me of when my son was about 9 or so... on a mini-rollercoaster ride as we go over the initial hill he says "that makes my penis tingle!"

 

[Bull Dozier]

My boys (11 and 13) are big into sports. They play traveling baseball and basketball, and will play just about anyhing in the backyard. They watch anything on ESPN. They have always had this fascination with major injuries and both have said how cool it would be to "blow out your MCL" or break a bone and get a cast.

Well, my 13 year old was doing some high school run workouts this morning. He was playing one on one with another kid, went up for a rebound, and got the ball right on the tip of his finger. It dislocated, and he crumbled like a sack of potatoes. I get the call at work, go to pick him up and bring him to the urgency room. They run xrays to make sure it isn't broken. They've taken the ice pack he had on it off, so he is just lying on the exam bed waiting for the doctor to come back with the prognosis. His finger looks a little funky, and it was making him a little queasy. He looks at it for a minute, slowly rolls his head over to look at me and says "you know how I used to want to get a major injury...I don't want that to happen anymore."

It wasn't hilariously funny, but it made me laugh. Doctor popped it in after just a few seconds of manipulating it and his mood improved immensely, so we were able to have a little chuckle over it.

 

[Wrigley]

Overheard my twins playing with their barbies

"We've got to hurry, or we'll be late for the Hawks game"

They really do pay attention.

They are 4

 

[Johnny Rock]

Me: You need to get dressed for basketball.

7 yo son: No I don't. Mom hasn't given me the signal yet.

Watching Tom & Jerry and he didn't hear us tell him 5 other times.

 

[kentric]

Over dinner, my son decided to tell a joke about Chinese (wife is Taiwanese). Forget what it was, but it wasn't very funny.

My daughter followed it up with her own Chinese joke.

She said, "how do Chinese come up with names for their children?"

She follows with "they throw a pot down their basement stairs"

Proceeds to make the noises a pot would make.

May be a racist joke, but she had us all laughing pretty strongly (which wasn't the best as it was in a restaurant - not Chinese).

 

[B Maverick]

in the middle of a conversation with my 6 yo, I said something to her trying to be funny and she instantly replied "Shut up and Dance with me!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JCLY0Rlx6Q

 

[russinfortworth]

On the way to the Cotton Bowl game last year, we are driving through Arlington and my youngest (11YO) says "Dad, can we go to the lesbian restaurant" after the game.

I'm like WTH..........then the older says "Lebanese you idiot".

 

[shadyridr]

in the middle of a conversation with my 6 yo, I said something to her trying to be funny and she instantly replied "Shut up and Dance with me!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JCLY0Rlx6Q

lmao. We've always told my 6 yr old that shut up is a bad expression but then he heard this song. Now he's allowed to say it in the context of the song.

 

[shadyridr]

We finally told or 6 yr old thay girls privates aren't called peepees but ######s. Now he's insistent on seeing his mom's privates. He thinks it's a penis without the balls.

 

[shadyridr]

Really? You can't say v a g i n a on this board? Good enough for my 6 yr old bit not a board full of adults

 

[Keerock]

Really? You can't say v a g i n a on this board? Good enough for my 6 yr old bit not a board full of adults

Your 6 year old is undoubtedly more mature than most of us...

 

[Ned]

Kids were down in the basement playing xbox this morning. They're carrying on and being rowdy as usual when I hear my 6yr old son scream out "yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's up BROOOOOOOOO?"

No idea what they were playing and what the context was, but that killed me.

 

[Gee Spot]

My 3 year old currently says the F sound when trying to pronounce S and is currently in a phase where he's calling people suckers. As in, "Hey sucker!" very loudly. It doesn't help that his older brother and sisters fall to the floor laughing whenever he does this. The older siblings have even gotten creative and will put their thumb in their mouth and ask "What am I doing?" Of course he says "*ucking your thumb!", and again hilarity ensues.

Older suckers.

 

[kentric]

Really? You can't say v a g i n a on this board? Good enough for my 6 yr old bit not a board full of adults

Your 6 year old is undoubtedly more mature than most of us...

I remember being in 9th grade where our married, female teacher said that she told her 3 y.o. about genitalia (pen and vag). Most of the kids in the class had their mouths gaping at the thought of telling a 3 y.o. such info. This was in the early 70s in a Catholic HS.

 

[Clown Car]

The other day we were at chick fil a. #7,8,9 (5,4,3 yo) were in the playground and came running out. They were upset because some kid said he was going to beat up the 3yo. My 7yo was sitting with me and stood up his full height and says "show me who it is!"

 

[MikeIke]

I just played the "pull my finger" game with my 10 year old. He pulled my finger and I farted. He made a disgusted face.

My 8 year old saw this and asked him, "What did you think was gonna happen, a Redbox movie was gonna come out?"

 

[Mrs. Rannous]

I just played the "pull my finger" game with my 10 year old. He pulled my finger and I farted. He made a disgusted face.

My 8 year old saw this and asked him, "What did you think was gonna happen, a Redbox movie was gonna come out?"

 

[Johnny Rock]

My 7 yo son was getting ready to take a bath and was naked. He put one foot up on the edge of the tub and flexing his muscles said, "I'm going to be king."

My wife said he held that pose until she looked at...him. Then they both laughed their asses off.

 

[nirad3]

Taught my 4-year old how to play "War" yesterday. She didn't really say anything funny while we were playing but she made sure to go tell my wife that I taught her. Wife figured I taught her how to play poker.

 

[Binky The Doormat]

My 7 yo son was getting ready to take a bath and was naked. He put one foot up on the edge of the tub and flexing his muscles said, "I'm going to be king."

My wife said he held that pose until she looked at...him. Then they both laughed their asses off.

The holding of the pose is key. Don't be denied. Kid is going to be great.

 

[Golden Gopher]

A little history... I have a 4YO daughter, 3YO son, and 10 week old daughter. Life could not be crazier, but at the same time, it could not be better. Anyway, I started a new job in WA six weeks ago, and my wife and kids are in MN. I fly back every other weekend, but we will hopefully be officially moved by the end of the month. A couple of weeks ago, during one of my trips home, I took the oldest two to see the Minnions movie. Now, keep in mind, my wife had been teaching them about human anatomy, and the difference between boys and girls, and apparently my son got a bit confused......

The conversation, in the car after the movie, went something like this..... Daughter: "Daddy, do Minnions have teeth?" Me: "Well, Minnions aren't exactly real, but I suppose they probably do." Daughter: "Yeah, Minnions aren't real. Things in movies aren't usually real, since they lived a long time ago. Like Minnions, dinosaurs, or the Huns. The Huns were not very nice. They killed a few people." Son: "Yeah... They were from Vachina."

The rest of the car ride home consisted of me crying (laughing so hard), my son saying "Daddy, what's so funny?" and my daughter saying "No, Mason, it's just China, not VA-China!" LOL.

 

[MikeIke]

My boys were playing Minecraft and I was looking at the FFA. Talking to the game, my youngest said something like "surely you can't be dead already!"

Without thinking, I responded, "I am dead, and stop calling me Shirley."

Both boys thought that was the funniest thing they've ever heard, and now they're trying to think of new things to say using the word "surely" just so the other one can say "stop calling me Shirley."

 

[Clown Car]

My sister came to visit and brought new shoes for a couple kids. She went a little crazy on the 3yo though because things were on sale and super cute, etc. She pulls out these little cowboy boots and wants her to try them on, but she doesn't want to take off the hello kitty sneakers. So my sister says I just want to know if they fit and you like them or I can take them back to the store. 3 yo says "fine, I will like them."

It was more how she said it than what she said but I haven't posted here in a while.

 

[skol asylum]

The other day my 10 yr old got a new bike and my 6 yr old got some roller skates. Later that evening my 6 yr old got a Halloween costume. In the car on the way home she told me it wasn't really fair to her sister because she got 2 things today, roller skates and a costume and her sister only got 1 thing a bicycle.

I told her that they don't always both get the same things or number of things and that neither of them should be comparing what they get all the time.

She told me that it was hard for her not to because she really likes "comparing and contrasting".

 

[skol asylum]

Oh yeah, in the same conversation we were talking about costumes. She got a Hulk costume (she likes superheroes). She asked what i' m going to dress up as. I asked what she thought and she said I should be Captain America. She said it would be perfect because i'm strong like Captain America and i'm amazing which sounds like America.

 

[pantagrapher]

One day last week my 2yo daughter woke up a bit earlier than usual. I'm normally either gone to work or right about to leave when she gets up. So I changed her diaper, gave her a hug, and asked her what she dreamt about last night. She looked at me, pointed at the front door and said "Go to work!"

 

[Kanil]

Friday before last I was taking my 4yo son to some of our friends house for dinner. On the way there he's grabbed a blanket off of the seat next to his car seat and he's "hiding" from the cars next to us by pulling the blanket over his head. He does this a few times and is telling me about how the "bad guys" cant find him when all of the sudden he says, "Dude, I stink! I tooted and it's groooooooooss!". I about killed us laughing.

Edited to add:

He's also been starting a lot of his sentences with "Dude" lately. Most of the time it's funny except for when you're telling him to do something. When that's the case, even though he doesn't mean it that way, it comes across as sarcastic a-holey.

Me: KanilJr, get your shoes on.

4yo: Dude, OK.

Me: KanilJr, go to the bathroom before we leave.

4yo: Dude, I already went.

etc...

 

[MikeIke]

Tonight my 8 year old told me that when he gets his own house, he wants to have 1,000 cats living with him.

Me:"Well, that might sound nice, but what about when it comes time to clean the litter boxes for 1,000 cats? That wouldn't be very fun. "

Him:" That's ok, I'll just get married and she can clean them! "

Full disclosure : I clean the litter boxes at our house, he didn't learn that from me.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Tonight my 8 year old told me that when he gets his own house, he wants to have 1,000 cats living with him.

Me:"Well, that might sound nice, but what about when it comes time to clean the litter boxes for 1,000 cats? That wouldn't be very fun. "

Him:" That's ok, I'll just get married and she can clean them! "

Full disclosure : I clean the litter boxes at our house, he didn't learn that from me.

Tell him to PM Krista