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Funny things your kid has said (2 Viewers)

My (4yo) kid's career path is all set out. He's recently let me know that he's going to have different jobs on different days.

Sunday: I'll be Peyton Manning and Von Miller... (Demaryius Thomas was on the list but he's been removed "because he can't catch". That one may be my fault)

Monday: I'll be a Robot Engineer

Saturday: I'll be an Astronaut

He's also apparently very progressive as he's said that his future wife (who he's already picked out) can choose her own career... as long as she chooses a Robot Engineer or a Rocket Engineer.

 
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Now that the seasons are changing, my daughter is fond of letting us know when it's dark outside. She also does not like the idea of anyone going outside in the dark. If I run outside after dark to take some trash to the alley, she gets really worried. Recently, we got our Halloween pumpkins and she's ascribed a role to each one. There's a daddy pumpkin, a mommy pumpkin, and baby pumpkin. And now this:

"Daddy, it's dark outside."

"Oh, you're right it is."

"Where is daddy pumpkin?"

"He's outside."

(On the verge of tears) "In the dark?!"

So yeah, now the pumpkin family comes inside every night.

 
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My 5 year old daughter last month after the first day of kindergarten "Daddy when I turn 6 is that when I go to college?"

Slow down.....please...slow down

 
lumpy19 said:
My 5 year old daughter last month after the first day of kindergarten "Daddy when I turn 6 is that when I go to college?"

Slow down.....please...slow down
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My 4yo is going to have his jobs and get married at 15 but he's not moving out until he's 90. :(

 
Showed the full mini-movie version of Thriller to my 8yo son today.

Right at the beginning their car runs out of gas, the girl looks at MJ with bedroom eyes and says "So.. what are we gonna do now?"

My son says "duh, get out and push the car!"

 
pantagrapher said:
Now that the seasons are changing, my daughter is fond of letting us know when it's dark outside. She also does not like the idea of anyone going outside in the dark. If I run outside after dark to take some trash to the alley, she gets really worried. Recently, we got our Halloween pumpkins and she's ascribed a role to each one. There's a daddy pumpkin, a mommy pumpkin, and baby pumpkin. And now this:

"Daddy, it's dark outside."

"Oh, you're right it is."

"Where is daddy pumpkin?"

"He's outside."

(On the verge of tears) "In the dark?!"

So yeah, now the pumpkin family comes inside every night.
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Rules

 
Picked my daughter up from daycare and as I got her out of the car, one of our neighbors, an older lady, was walking by.

"Look, daddy! It's a witch!"

Kill me now.

 
So the wife and my 6 yo daughter are in line trying to decide what to get. They weren't really finding a good answer so my daughter says "Screw it, lets get some lunchables" My wife about died with all the people staring...

My daughters new thing is "Whateves, it doesnt matter..... What?"

 
pantagrapher said:
One day last week my 2yo daughter woke up a bit earlier than usual. I'm normally either gone to work or right about to leave when she gets up. So I changed her diaper, gave her a hug, and asked her what she dreamt about last night. She looked at me, pointed at the front door and said "Go to work!"
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This is unspeakably cruel.

When you're very old, and she's caring for you and changing your adult diapers and she asks if she can do anything else for you, point to the door and say "go to work."

 
B Maverick said:
So the wife and my 6 yo daughter are in line trying to decide what to get. They weren't really finding a good answer so my daughter says "Screw it, lets get some lunchables" My wife about died with all the people staring...

My daughters new thing is "Whateves, it doesnt matter..... What?"
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Hilarious
 
Also, my daughter has still not gotten over Halloween, so in our house, Halloween continues. She insisted on referring to Christmas as Halloween Christmas, and said "I'm bringing Halloween back. I'm bringing monsters back."

One day she broke one of the cat's toys:

"Did daddy do that?"
"No, you did that."
Looking serious. "Zombies did that."

 
My son tells me that I'm actually an adopted father. Got me from 1 877 Dads 4 kids. D A D S Dads for kids. Like that 1 877 Kars 4 Kids limeric.

 
G/f's youngest was playing with her baby doll last night, making it do ninja moves. She said "baby doll by day, ninja by night". She made it kick me in the gut. I gave it the Three Stooges eye gouge. She cried. I laughed.

 
I have a bunch I've been saving on my phone lest I forget.

On our way to pizza with Grandma, who's a smoker and lives in a nursing home. I said, "We'll try to have you back in time for you know what." (a cigarette)

My boy who's seven said, "Voldemort?"

No buddy. Not, "You know who; He who must not be named. You know what."

 
I took the butter out of the refrigerator and sang the jingle, "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."

8-year old heard me and spent the rest of the night singing "Everything's better with blue vomit on it."

 
While we were visiting my in-laws at Thanksgiving, my wife's aunt + uncle + cousin stopped by on their way through town. My wife's cousin has a 4-year old daughter.

My aunt said that the 4-year old asked where Pop-Pop (the uncle) went every day to get so old. Apparently he looks old when he gets home from work.

 
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ZenMaster said:
While we were visiting my in-laws at Thanksgiving, my wife's aunt/uncle/cousin stopped by on their way through town. My wife's cousin has a 4-year old daughter.

My aunt said that the 4-year old asked where Pop-Pop (the uncle) went every day to get so old. Apparently he looks old when he gets home from work.
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I read that as one person with all the titles listed. Must be from Alabama.

 
Kanil said:
ZenMaster said:
While we were visiting my in-laws at Thanksgiving, my wife's aunt/uncle/cousin stopped by on their way through town. My wife's cousin has a 4-year old daughter.

My aunt said that the 4-year old asked where Pop-Pop (the uncle) went every day to get so old. Apparently he looks old when he gets home from work.
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I read that as one person with all the titles listed. Must be from Alabama.
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:D

I edited for clarity.

 
Just got this email from my 4yo kid's preschool teacher:

> PS Two funny stories.

> KanilJr was singing Big Butts in the bathroom to himself this morning.

> Also, he and *friendsname* were planning a party during outside time and I told them i would pick up some chips for them to munch on. While I was walking away Kaniljr yelled, "Don't forget the beers!". Haha.

 
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pantagrapher said:
kentric said:
My son tells me that I'm actually an adopted father. Got me from 1 877 Dads 4 kids. D A D S Dads for kids. Like that 1 877 Kars 4 Kids limeric.
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I drive my car into a tree and set myself on fire every time that commercial comes on the radio.
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possibly the best post ever. TV for me- it's on the TV here in NYC all the ####### time.

 
So last night I'm making milkshakes for dessert. Of course when making milkshakes you have to mention bringing all the boys to the yard. KanilJr ran over to the window to wait for his friends to show up in the front yard.

20 minutes later, my wife was heading out the door to go to her book club when this conversation happened:

KanilJr: Mom, why do you only have 1 beer?

MrsKanil: It's not beer, it's a bottle of wine.

KanilJr: ... Why do you only have one bottle of wine?

MrsKanil: ...Good question. *grabs another bottle and walks out the door*

Between that and the "Don't forget the beer" comment from earlier, I'm starting to think we might be lushes.

 
Daughter(5) says her brother said she could have his garlic bread(this is highly doubtful)

Son(3) says there's no way he said that and he wants his garlic bread

Wife and I ask daughter if she's lying, she completely breaks down crying but insists she's not lying

She then screams nobody believes me!!

Son turns to her completely straight faced.....I believe you

 
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lumpy19 said:
Daughter(5) says her brother said she could have his garlic bread(this is highly doubtful)

Son(3) says there's no way he said that and he wants his garlic bread

Wife and I ask daughter if she's lying, she completely breaks down crying but insists she's not lying

She then screams nobody believes me!!

Son turns to her completely straight faced.....I believe you
Click to expand...
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 
Bull Dozier said:
lumpy19 said:
Daughter(5) says her brother said she could have his garlic bread(this is highly doubtful)

Son(3) says there's no way he said that and he wants his garlic bread

Wife and I ask daughter if she's lying, she completely breaks down crying but insists she's not lying

She then screams nobody believes me!!

Son turns to her completely straight faced.....I believe you
Click to expand...
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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Awesome!!!
 
4yo got in trouble for chasing other kids out of the bathroom with his "talking booty". The wife was not amused when I wondered if he was "asking for a mint, or perhaps some, binacca".

 
This has occurred several times in varying iterations, but basically:

Almost 5-year old daughter: I want to be just like Mom

Me (or Mom): Oh really?

Daughter: Actually, no. I want to be a pop star.

:eek: :lmao:

 
Me to 7-yo son at a restaurant, "There's nothing left in your glass to drink."

Boy, grabbing his straw and looking into his glass, "I can drink my reflection."

 
Son doesn't like sesame seeds on his hamburger buns and his burger had a sesame seed bun. I said there is no taste and he said, "I don't like decorations in my mouth."

 
My kids were out in the snow yesterday with my neighbor's kid. Neighbor's kid climbs this 10 foot high snow bank (he's 4, so big accomplishment for him), gets to the top and throws both arms up in the sky and yells, "BUTT FARTS!!!!"

Awesome.

 
Not really funny, but awesome. KanilJr (4) had his winter program at his daycare last night. After they sing their song they each came up to the mic to say what they liked best about winter.

KanilJr: "I like skiing", stares at the kid who said snow boarding and follows up with "NOT SNOWBOARDING". Then the throws up the horns and yells "GO BRONCOS!".

My kid was obviously the MVP of the program.

 
lumpy19 said:
Daughter(5) says her brother said she could have his garlic bread(this is highly doubtful)

Son(3) says there's no way he said that and he wants his garlic bread

Wife and I ask daughter if she's lying, she completely breaks down crying but insists she's not lying

She then screams nobody believes me!!

Son turns to her completely straight faced.....I believe you
Click to expand...
Lol awesome

 
We went over to my wife's sister's house for dinner the other night.  We were having beef stew with some sourdough bread on the side.  Their 2yo daughter kept calling the bread toast.  After eating a small amount (something like 4 bites) this conversation went down...

KanilNiece: All done.  I wanna go play.

MrsKanil: You hardly ate anything, you're going to be hungry, eat your toast.

KanilNiece *Pushes her chair back from the table, grabs her foot, and bites her toes*

MrsKanil: Your TOAST, not your TOES

KanilNiece: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SIL: :no:  I swear she's smart.

 
I was just on my phone and read that Jeb! was dropping out of the race.  I made a surprised/satisfied "oh"  sound.  My 8 year old immediately ran over and wanted to know what I was reacting to, because he's annoying and always needs to know what I'm doing.

Me,  knowing he wouldn't understand or care: "Jeb Bush is dropping out of the Presidential race." 

Him: (makes a pained face) "Really? That's just shocking!" 

It was probably funnier in real life than in written form. 

 
Not my kid but...

I went to the grocery store today.  I should preface that the store I go to is right by one of the busiest intersections in town.  Double lefthand lanes all 4 ways etc.  Not to mention that people drive like complete morons around here.  

Anyway I park my car and I'm walking through the lot.  A youngish woman and a boy about 4 or 5 are just in front of me.

 The kid points to one of those gigantic, lifted trucks (also bright yellow) parked a row over " Mommy! Mommy!  There's that truck that almost just hit us over there!"  The mom says something like "Shhh..I see it. Don't point and yell."   

A couple of steps later the kid says "OK, but you were right.  He's a g** d*amn ***hole".

 
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Couple weeks ago I was driving my kids somewhere and stopped for gas.  

4 year old: "Daddy, why are we stopping here?"

Me: "Because the car is almost out of gas."

4yo: "Oh, like that movie about the animals?"

Me: :confused:

4yo: "Outtagascar"

Me

----

I'm also terrible at watching my language around the kids.  One day recently with my son in the car, someone cut me off and I made a frustrated sighing sound.  From the back seat my son says, "Daddy, what did the stupid ####er do?"

 
Mr. Ham said:
5 is an awesome age.  My son will randomly declares things like, "I am Frostise Kinesis!" A few weeks ago he told my wife and I all about  the famous actor Daniel Cashmerestash, how they met in college and how much he misses him since he moved to Ireland.  
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wtf :lol:

 
Fortunately, this conversation happened in the car:

(Then) 4 year old, "when I grow up, I'm going to marry Ms. C" (his preschool teacher)

(Then) 5 year old, "that's weird, she might be dead by the time you are a grown up"

Didn't faze the 4 year old.

 
Breakfast; (then) 4 year old, "If you dip your bacon in orange juice.."

Me, "No."

4 year old, without missing a beat, "it would not be good. I never do that."

 
Kid: grump grump grumpMe (patting Kid's head)Kid: grumps some moreMe (patting his head again): you don't really like that, do you?Kid: no
Me (tickling ribs): what about this?
Kid: no
Me (tickling back of legs): what about this?
Kid: no
Me: what about grumpasaurus kisses?
Kid: definitely not
Me: why do you think that stuff works with your brother, but it's never worked with you?
Kid: he has a weak mind

 
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wdcrob said:
Kid: grump grump grumpMe (patting Kid's head)Kid: grumps some moreMe (patting his head again): you don't really like that, do you?Kid: no
Me (tickling ribs): what about this?
Kid: no
Me (tickling back of legs): what about this?
Kid: no
Me: what about grumpasaurus kisses?
Kid: definitely not
Me: why do you think that stuff works with your brother, but it's never worked with you?
Noah: he has a weak mind
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:lol:

 
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