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Funny things your kid has said (2 Viewers)

We had a blizzard in Colorado and were without power for about 12 hours.  I'm traveling for work but the wife relayed this story last night.

MrsKanil wanted to do something to keep the kid (just turned 5 on Friday) entertained/not worried about the power outage.  We have an electric stove so Hot Chocolate was out.  Instead, they did "Soda" (seltzer water in the can) and graham crackers but set it up like a camp out in a blanket fort in the living room.  Paper plates, plastic cups, etc..  As they sit down MrsKanil chugs some seltzer...

MrsKanil: *Huuuuuuuuuuuuuge burp*

KanilJr: That's the kind of burp that makes someone not want to eat.

KanilJr: *walks his plate to the kitchen and slowly dumps everything into the trashcan, maintaining eye contact with my wife with a disappointed look on his face*

 
Kanil said:
We had a blizzard in Colorado and were without power for about 12 hours.  I'm traveling for work but the wife relayed this story last night.

MrsKanil wanted to do something to keep the kid (just turned 5 on Friday) entertained/not worried about the power outage.  We have an electric stove so Hot Chocolate was out.  Instead, they did "Soda" (seltzer water in the can) and graham crackers but set it up like a camp out in a blanket fort in the living room.  Paper plates, plastic cups, etc..  As they sit down MrsKanil chugs some seltzer...

MrsKanil: *Huuuuuuuuuuuuuge burp*

KanilJr: That's the kind of burp that makes someone not want to eat.

KanilJr: *walks his plate to the kitchen and slowly dumps everything into the trashcan, maintaining eye contact with my wife with a disappointed look on his face*
Click to expand...
:lmao: :lmao:   :lmao:

 
Kanil said:
We had a blizzard in Colorado and were without power for about 12 hours.  I'm traveling for work but the wife relayed this story last night.

MrsKanil wanted to do something to keep the kid (just turned 5 on Friday) entertained/not worried about the power outage.  We have an electric stove so Hot Chocolate was out.  Instead, they did "Soda" (seltzer water in the can) and graham crackers but set it up like a camp out in a blanket fort in the living room.  Paper plates, plastic cups, etc..  As they sit down MrsKanil chugs some seltzer...

MrsKanil: *Huuuuuuuuuuuuuge burp*

KanilJr: That's the kind of burp that makes someone not want to eat.

KanilJr: *walks his plate to the kitchen and slowly dumps everything into the trashcan, maintaining eye contact with my wife with a disappointed look on his face*
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:lol:

 
So not my kid, as he's only 8 months old and not talking...but can't wait till he says stuff like this.

This was me when I was like 4 or 5.  My dad picked me up from daycare after his work day and apparently I look a bit downtrodden.  He asked me if everything was ok.  I asked him, "dad, how much is a hooker?"  Obviously, this surprised him.  He asked me what I meant.

Apparently my somewhat heavy winter coat was too much for one of the hooks in my little locker.

 
So my 5 year old has days where she won't acknowledge me. Won't say good morning, hello daddy....nothing. Today of course was one of those days. She was getting ready to leave with my wife and my son to his soccer game. I have to take child three to his game at the same time. So I say goodbye and give hugs to everyone...except her of course.

Me: You haven't been very nice to me today. How come?

Her: I just want to be nice to Mommy today.

Me: I'm going to remember this when you are 16 and you want a sports car. And I will remind you how you never used to be nice to me when you were 5.

She thinks for a second.

Her: You're never going to remember that.

Me: :lol:

 
My 10 year old is the catcher for our town team.  We had a scrimmage with an umpire who is pretty good and encouraging to the girls.  

Pitcher last pitch for the throw down was super high and went to the backstop. My daughter jogged back and fired a rocket to second.

Umpire: woah, you got a license for that gun

Daughter: I don't have a license but I do have a library card.

 
I'm not sure this will be funny to read, but I thought it was most appropriate for the FFA.  We were sitting at the table for dinner last night and my boys (7th and 8th grade, small private school) were talking about the upcoming school spelling bee (6th, 7th, and 8th all compete in the same bee).

Me: So I got the email you guys are both in the spelling bee.

7th grader: I'm only an alternate.  I get to be in if [classmate] decides they don't want to be in it.

Me: Why wouldn't they want to be in it?

7th grader: Because they know they wouldn't win.

Me: So that means they won't try?  They're obviously a competitor at heart.

8th grader: Chris [different classmate] didn't want to be in it.  He knows Amanda is just going to win anyway.

Me: How do you know he doesn't want to be in.

8th grader: I corrected his test today.  He purposefully misspelled some words.  He spelled grammar with an e.

 
My wife is pregnant. My 3.5 y/o daughter was talking to her about having a baby in her belly. She asked how does the baby come out since there isn't a door.

 
my 7 year old girl was at her grandparents house.  She turned to her grandfather and says "Papa, you've done some wacky things, you ever been to jail?"

 
So last night we're driving home from daycare and we pass a cemetery when this conversation goes down:

Kaniljr(5yo): What is that?

Me: That's a cemetery.

Kaniljr: What's a cemetery?

Me: That's where people's bodies are buried after they die.

Kaniljr: Oh.  

*about 20 seconds pass*  

Kaniljr: So, that was heaven?

Me:  :lmao:   Not exactly.

We're not religious (and the religious people we do have in the family are Jewish) and have never talked about heaven with him so I was curious as to how he knew about it.  I figured it was something from daycare.  Turns out that after our dog over two years ago my wife didn't know what to tell him and said she went to heaven.  He's remembered that to this day. 

 
Kanil said:
So last night we're driving home from daycare and we pass a cemetery when this conversation goes down:

Kaniljr(5yo): What is that?

Me: That's a cemetery.

Kaniljr: What's a cemetery?

Me: That's where people's bodies are buried after they die.

Kaniljr: Oh.  

*about 20 seconds pass*  

Kaniljr: So, that was heaven?

Me:  :lmao:  Not exactly. 
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:lmao:

I remember passing a relatively large cemetery when my daughter was little. She was being especially quiet, and then said, "Wow. Look at all the dead people."

It was funny at the time, since she really was just trying to say that it was a big cemetery with a lot of gravestones.   At least I hope that's what she meant, because after typing it out just now I realize that it could sound pretty creepy.   :)

 
4yo floppinha still asks questions about when chip the cat is coming home from heaven, or when can we go visit him in heaven. thanks, wife, for introducing the idea of heaven to a 4yo.

eta: sorry- not remotely funny.

 
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I'm tucking in my 9 year-old son for bed tonight.  It's hot upstairs,  so I only put on one blanket,  that happens to have Thomas the Tank Engine on it.  I set aside a second blanket in case he gets cold.  It has Dora the Explorer on it. 

I kiss him goodnight,  say "I'll see you in the morning."  

His response? "Daddy,  did you know that Thomas the Tank Engine and Dora are in the Illuminati?" 

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with that. My kids are weird. 

 
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MikeIke said:
I'm tucking in my 9 year-old son for bed tonight.  It's hot upstairs,  so I only put on one blanket,  that happens to have Thomas the Tank Engine on it.  I set aside a second blanket in case he gets cold.  It has Dora the Explorer on it. 

I kiss him goodnight,  say "I'll see you in the morning."  

His response? "Daddy,  did you know that Thomas the Tank Engine and Dora are in the Illuminati?" 

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with that. My kids are weird. 
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Who on earth is your son going to school with?

On second thought, maybe you don't want to know.

 
jhib said:
:lmao:

I remember passing a relatively large cemetery when my daughter was little. She was being especially quiet, and then said, "Wow. Look at all the dead people."

It was funny at the time, since she really was just trying to say that it was a big cemetery with a lot of gravestones.   At least I hope that's what she meant, because after typing it out just now I realize that it could sound pretty creepy.   :)
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Close to what my daughter said:

Points to the cemetery and nonchalantly says "Dad, that's where the dead people are."

 
My 7 yo girl loves her bacon.  and she recently discovered where bacon comes from.... 

so we get a lot of:

"Are we having pig for dinner?"

"i'd like a cheeseburger, plain, with some pig!"

 
My 4 year old daughter has developed this routine that when she gets in trouble for something, she will tell my wife and I that we are being bad. This happened on Monday night.

Me: "You know you aren't supposed to do that. Go apologize to your brothers."

Lil CDH: "YOU are being MEAN TO ME!" Stomps down the hall looking for my wife. "I'm telling Mommy on you!"

Me: "Go for it."

Lil CDH: Walks back down the hall after a few minutes, "Mommy said you need to go in time out."

My wife wasn't home.

 
Forgot one from a couple of months ago.  I see most of these posts are about <5 year old kids not fully understanding words or meanings.  Well, here's one from a (relatively intelligent) 14 year old.

He'll be a freshman in high school in the fall, so he got to pick his elective classes for the first time.  There wasn't much he was really interested in, so my wife and I were trying to help him out.

Me: What about carpentry? 

Him: Who cares about carpets?

 
more from the 7 year old....

Me "So I have mommy's chair in the trunk for this weekend if you want to use that"

Daughter "Why, do we not have my chair in stock?"

 
A family down the street held a garage sale this past weekend, and it looked like they kept most of the unsold junk (tables, desks, etc.) out on their driveway/lawn for a couple more days.... presumably someone was coming to pick them up...

5-year old daughter, on our way to dropping her off for school:

nirad3ette - Daddy, are those people still having a garage sale?

me - Maybe, or someone could be coming to pick it all up.

nirad3ette - what's up with THOSE people?

me - :lol:

 
(HULK) said:
So, on Monday I get home from work and my five year old runs up to me smiling.  I drop to my knee expecting a hug, but instead, she stops short and says, "Someone special wants to say 'hi' to you!"  I say, "Who?" and she pivots and sticks her butt out at me and pushes out like a 5 second long fart while she simultaneously yells, "Let the base drop!" and runs away giggling.

My house is an insane asylum.
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This kid is a font of fun.  Today, she was whining that she was thirst...

"Daddy..... I'mmmmm thirrrrrssstttyy!"

I give her the please stop whining look and she says,

"I'm so thirsty my ###### is running on empty" in a super pathetic voice.

I suppressed my laugh and got her a water

 
(HULK) said:
This kid is a font of fun.  Today, she was whining that she was thirst...

"Daddy..... I'mmmmm thirrrrrssstttyy!"

I give her the please stop whining look and she says,

"I'm so thirsty my ###### is running on empty" in a super pathetic voice.

I suppressed my laugh and got her a water
Click to expand...
You got a real Sarah Silverman on your hands.

 
7-year old daughter explaining life to the 5-year old son, "babies turn into toddlers, toddlers turn into little kids, little kids turn into big kids, big kids turn into teenagers, teenagers turn into grown ups, grown ups turn into grammas and grandpas, and then grammas and grampas turn into zombies"

 
In the car on the way back from the movie theater I gave my phone to my daughter to run the Bluetooth music. She asks the almost-8-yo boy what he'd like to listen to.

"How about 'Raspberry Beret' by Prince? No...wait, wait wait. 'Purple Rain' by Prince." :wub:   :headbang:  

Not so much funny as cool.

 
My 6yo girl was explaining to everyone at dinner that this girl liked our son instead of this other kid "because they want the same things." The son says "we're 8, we want candy and to watch tv, it's not that complicated."

 
My wife just sent me a convo she had with our 3 year old just now.

"Mommy my back is not feeling well"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Well, we need to go get Daddy.  He'll do my surgery, then buy me a toy at Walmart or Target, I can do either, and then he'll get me ice cream and I think it'll all be better"

"Oh really"

"First step, go get Daddy! Let's go Mommy"

And he headed towards the front door.

 
So my wife is on a bit of a health kick of late and has been eating her fair share of Beets.  She likes to talk about her food... Cooking, shopping etc.  it got to the point now where my 8 year old and I would break her chops about beets. Tonight she says "we need to go to Costco this weekend.... We need beets"   And at this point my daughter (with microphone in hand) and I broke Into our rendition of "we got the beat(s)".

mom wasn't impressed.... But we thought it was quite funny.

 
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In the course of 1 car ride from soccer practice to dinner to home....

7 yo "Dad, the car in front of us is my dream car"

me "A suburban?  Really why?" (thinking she thought it was an escalade since thats what her grandma wants)

Her "It has TVs in the seats.  It should be your dream car too"

***********

"Dad, which In n Out are we going to?"

"The one we always go to"

"Oh, I cant picture it.  Ill just go with the flow"

************

80s music comes on, Peter Gabriel first....

"Dad, I dont get you.  Who listens to this music?"

"I do"

"I havent understood a word since Jungle.  Why do you like this?"

(99 Luftbalons comes on)

"I still dont get you.  What is this?

"Its a song about red balloons, sung in German"

"I am from Germany and Ireland"

"Do you speak German?"

"Its inside of me, I dont know if it will come out.  I still dont get you and this music"

 
Mr. Ham said:
Took my 5yo son Riley down to South by Southwest today to see some cool things my company is doing with robots, which sparked a conversation with him doing almost all of the taking roughy summarized as:  we will at first be the robots' masters, but they will get smarter and stronger and be ours, and there will be a war that we will probably lose, but maybe we'll win.  Then I chimed in that our only hope would be an electromagnetic bomb that fried their electronics, because that will be our advantage.

He gave it some thought and said that he will be the President for the war, and, "When we win I'll climb up on a big rock and stomp my foot down and put my face in the air with a serious look...  I've always wanted to do that."
Click to expand...


(HULK) said:
So, on Monday I get home from work and my five year old runs up to me smiling.  I drop to my knee expecting a hug, but instead, she stops short and says, "Someone special wants to say 'hi' to you!"  I say, "Who?" and she pivots and sticks her butt out at me and pushes out like a 5 second long fart while she simultaneously yells, "Let the base drop!" and runs away giggling.

My house is an insane asylum.
Click to expand...


Kanil said:
On a family ski trip with the MIL and this just happened:

Grandma: *Finishes the bedtime story she was reading to KanilJr*

KanilJr: "Grandma, I'm really going to miss you when you're dead".
Click to expand...


Captain Cranks said:
6 year old boy, upon being sent to his room, angrily, but organically exclaims, "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!!!" before slamming his door shut.  
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lots of great ones but these had me :lmao: :lmao:  

 
My 9 year-old tonight :"Daddy,  if Cozmoe [our oldest cat]  dies,  can we get an alligator? "

Cozmoe isn't sick. He's perfectly healthy and happy. I'm not sure what brought this up. 

I've said it before,  but my kids are weird. 

 
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My 11-year-old wants to know if our nation's nuclear ICBM arsenal is programmed in Java or C++. 

I'm not sure what he's planning. 

 
We went to a cookout/pool party at a neighbors house today. There's an Indian (dot) family down the street. My daughter and their daughter are in the same kindergarten class. As we are leaving my daughter yells 'Ashna, you're invited to my birthday party this summer!  Don't worry, we will have food for vegetarians and American food!'

 
So about 6 months ago we had a new pediatrician's office open up right near our house.  The doc actually lives a few houses down from us and we were looking for a new doc so we moved to her.  Her office has really taken off and on our way home from a bbq this weekend we saw a billboard for her office and this conversation went down:

me (to MrsKanil): Check that out, David's doctor must be doing pretty well.

MrsKanil: Yeah, last time we went there she'd expanded the office to 4 more rooms and had hired a bunch of new people.

*about 10 seconds pass*

KanilJr (having misheard "David's doctor"):  Dad, what's a #### doctor?

The wife and I lost it.

 
9 yr old daughter went to a planetarium where they showed the names of discovered planets.  She noticed one was named "24sex".

Her: "It must have two really big mountains." /deadpan

 
I'm in denial that my oldest isn't so much a kid anymore (turning 17 in a couple days)... 

The MIL was over for dinner tonight, and in the middle of eating the cake she brought for dessert, she suddenly decided that she couldn't remember if she turned the oven off at her place. We tried to assure her that she most likely did turn it off (this isn't the first time something like this has happened, and the toaster/curling iron/oven has always been turned off and/or unplugged), but she got herself in a panic. Almost ran out the door. 

As this is all going on, my daughter leans over to me and says quietly, "So, did you not meet mom's family before you decided to ask her to marry you?" 

 
jhib said:
I'm in denial that my oldest isn't so much a kid anymore (turning 17 in a couple days)... 

The MIL was over for dinner tonight, and in the middle of eating the cake she brought for dessert, she suddenly decided that she couldn't remember if she turned the oven off at her place. We tried to assure her that she most likely did turn it off (this isn't the first time something like this has happened, and the toaster/curling iron/oven has always been turned off and/or unplugged), but she got herself in a panic. Almost ran out the door. 

As this is all going on, my daughter leans over to me and says quietly, "So, did you not meet mom's family before you decided to ask her to marry you?" 
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:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

So awesome

 
My oldest son, Connor, was being a terror to my wife all day while at the playground park and doing errands, basically not listening and doing whatever the heck he wants (he is 4 years old). 

Wife is clearly done with him and the other kids when I get home from work (she quoted GoT saying "Her watch has ended") - I go in to talk to Connor and asked him why he wasnt being a good listener today :

ME: Connor, why werent you listening to Mom today

CONNOR: I'm sorry daddy, I thought I had some good ideas today, but they werent very good ... Ill try to come up with some better ideas tomorrow and hope they are better.

Coming from an adult I could understand this conversation in a workplace environment between a boss and his pupil but I found it really funny with his comment about having bad ideas and trying to have better ones tomorrow from a 4 year old.

 
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