Funny things your kid has said (4 Viewers)

[Sack-Religious.]

I pretty sure there's been similar threads in the past, but reading about a child telling their mom "your boobs have fallen" in another thread, made me think about stuff my son has said.

He'll be two on April 22, and he's taken an interest in telling my wife and I stories he's made up. He can't quite talk in complete sentences yet, but he manages to get his point across pretty well.

The other night, he told me a story about Rowdy (a neighbourhood dog). We haven't seen Rowdy more than 3 times and each time only briefly. He proceeds to tell me that Rowdy was whacked in the wiener by a guy with a hockey stick, and follows this up with a huge laugh. I nearly doubled over with laughter which, of course, only made him laugh harder. Of course I then told him that it's not nice to hit anyone or anything, especially with a hockey stick.

Another time he was just playing with his toys and out of the blue says "Oh no," so I ask him what happened and he told me that his Nan was sleeping under an elephant in Cuba.

I'm assuming that at 20-24 months kids are beginning to develop imaginations, but such bizarre things are funny and at the same time make you ask yourself WTF?

 

[snogger]

Daughter slams her knee into a open Cupboard door and we think she's crying but can't tell...

I ask: Are you ok?

her: Yes, I think so.... then

Wife: are you laughing or crying

Daughter: Both.

 

[PC Load Letter]

I pretty sure there's been similar threads in the past, but reading about a child telling their mom "your boobs have fallen" in another thread, made me think about stuff my son has said.

He'll be two on April 22, and he's taken an interest in telling my wife and I stories he's made up.  He can't quite talk in complete sentences yet, but he manages to get his point across pretty well.

The other night, he told me a story about Rowdy (a neighbourhood dog).  We haven't seen Rowdy more than 3 times and each time only briefly.  He proceeds to tell me that Rowdy was whacked in the wiener by a guy with a hockey stick, and follows this up with a huge laugh.  I nearly doubled over with laughter which, of course, only made him laugh harder.  Of course I then told him that it's not nice to hit anyone or anything, especially with a hockey stick.

Another time he was just playing with his toys and out of the blue says "Oh no," so I ask him what happened and he told me that his Nan was sleeping under an elephant in Cuba. 

I'm assuming that at 20-24 months kids are beginning to develop imaginations, but such bizarre things are funny and at the same time make you ask yourself WTF?

Made me .Good kid.

 

[3C's]

My daughter, when she was about 4. She had been "acting up" in daycare. My wife was frustrated and said some things that maybe she shouldn't have. Next day, the daycare "teacher" asks my daughter if she was going to be good. My daughter replies "yes, because if I'm bad mommy is going to beat the #### out of me."

 

[kutta]

My 7 year old niece came in the house the other day and said, "The dog dug a little hole in the dirt to lay in."

My sister says, "Why did she do that?"

My niece says, "She was dam hot."

We started busting up.

 

[Hoh]

My nephew was 4 years old at the time when his mother ( my SIL) asked him:

"Do you think mommy is pretty?"

His reply: "No mommy, you arent pretty because you have such a big butt".

He got an extra Christmas present from me that year for that one.

 

[TommyGilmore]

I had the following exchange with my 2 1/2-year-old nephew:

Him: Look at my new Thomas-The-Train pajamas!

Me: Wow, those are cool! Where did you get them?

Him: At Target. I throwed a fit.

 

[singman]

I have got 2 off the top of my head.

1. I coached my 6 yr old sons basketball team this year. For the little guys I took a couple of little tykes 6 ft hoops up to the school. When the season ended I forgot to bring them home and just haven't had the time to get up to the school to get them. The other day the principal saw my son in the lunch room and asked him if he knew when I was going to come get the hoops. His reply: " I am not sure. My mom nags him constantly about it. She's like that."

2. We put the kids in the car to take them to the mall for summer clothes shopping. When we get there, my 4 yr old daughter looks out the window and says: "The f...ing mall? I thought we were going to mcdonalds."

 

[Sack-Religious.]

My wife was wrestling around with my, then 4 year old son. He accidentally kicked her "down there" and she said "ow!". I asked him "what did you do to Mom?"

He told me "I kicked her in the nuts!"

Wife tells him "I'm a girl...I don't have nuts.'

Kid thinks about it for a minute "I kicked Mommy in the hair!"

 

[kupcho1]

A few years back my daughter was transitioning from diapers to being potty trained. One Saturday afternoon, I was home alone with her and she had an accident all over the bathroom floor. I told her she did a good job getting to the right room, but she needed to move a little faster next time. I clean her up in the tub, get her changed and clean the floor.

Not 20 minutes later she's peed all over the same floor. Needless to say I wasn't happy about it and may have made an untoward comment at the time.

A few days later, my wife and daughter are laying on the bed after reading some stories. My daughter is just talking a little bit

"Jesus", she said, softly

And a short while later she says softly: "Jesus Christ."

My wife is thinking, wow, Church really made an impression on her the other day, and here we were thinking that she was completely oblivious to what was happening.

Well, my wife was quickly disabused of that notion when my daughter finished her thought

"you pissed all over the floor."

 

[kupcho1]

2. We put the kids in the car to take them to the mall for summer clothes shopping. When we get there, my 4 yr old daughter looks out the window and says: "The f...ing mall? I thought we were going to mcdonalds."

 

[Yankee23Fan]

I the 4-letter F word a lot, even in normal conversation. I do my best to not say it around my son, and for the most part I'm good.

Similarly, my wife uses the 4 letter S word just as much.

My son repeats everything we say, so he has already said, SH** and FU** numerous times. But never together. Every time he does it, we tell him that it's not nice to say bad words and that he can't say it anymore.

So, one night we're sitting a the table eating dinner and he stops eating and goes, "Mommy?" she says, "Yes honey?" He then says, "Daddy?", I say "Yes, Honey?"

My son - "I can't say F***ing S**t."

We lost it. I spit my food out, she had to get up before she peed herself. And the kid is just laughing because he knows he said something funny. We're awful parents.

I'm sending him to a Christian school for 3 hours a week in the fall. I already have my bad language fund going. I'm going to build a new wing on that school by the time he is 4th grade.

 

[Sabertooth]

Couple of weekends ago we are waiting for our food in a restaurant. After a while I just look at my wife and say "come on." Kind of rolling my eyes.

2 year old daughter starts yelling "COME ON DUDE!" over and over again. I didn't even try to stop her, it was way too funny.

She must pay attention to me while we are driving, that has to be where she picked up the "dude" part.

 

[Yankee23Fan]

The only one that I can think of that was funny beyond the noraml every day stuff was the last time he got his haircut.

We sit him in the chair and the woman puts the cape around him and she asks him "Ready for your haircut?"

My son, "Yeah. I don't want baby bed head."

Whole place laughed for 5 minutes.

 

[KGB]

6 year old in the bathroom (early morning): DAAAAAAAD!

Me: what

him: Come here

me: Man, whyd you pee all over the floor?

him: I was sitting down going to the bathroom and "it" just popped up and was peeing everywhere! Why did it do that?

me: Ok, its normal, dont worry about it.

him: does it happen to you too

me: >laughing< yes

him: Well that sucks!

 

[Yankee23Fan]

6 year old in the bathroom (early morning): DAAAAAAAD!

Me: what

him: Come here

me: Man, whyd you pee all over the floor?

him: I was sitting down going to the bathroom and "it" just popped up and was peeing everywhere! Why did it do that?

me: Ok, its normal, dont worry about it.

him: does it happen to you too

me: >laughing< yes

him: Well that sucks!

 

[KGB]

my friends kids wrote an entire story about how he loved his woody in school.

Woody from toy story

 

[Foosball God]

My 3 year old son is too smart for his own good. One of the kids in his daycare class was saying "Shut Up", probably either learned it from an older sibling or heard their parent say it. So when my son used it once we told him not to say that because it was bad manners.

So now just out of the blue now he says. "Daddy, we don't say Shut Up. That's bad manners."

Me> "That's right."

Son> "Shut Up is bad manners."

Me> "Yes, I know Conner. But we don't use that word, even to tell me it's bad manners."

Son (nodding)> "No Shut Up."

 

[Bob Sacamano]

My sister's sister-in-law was trying to convey to her young son (Under 2 at the time) that he needed to communicate things by speaking rather than just grunting at them. For instance, when he wanted to remove his jacket, he used to partially remove one arm and start flailing towards them while grunting.

One day they dropped him off at day care. It was a pretty cool morning, so when they left him there he wanted to keep his jacket on. A few hours into the day, she got a phone call from a woman at daycare who was curious what they had been teaching this boy at home.

Apparently he got warm as the day went on, and trying to follow-through on what his mother was teaching him, he proceeded to repeat to the ladies over and over again, "Jack off. Jack off. Jack off."

They call it a coat now.

 

[SofaKings.]

I drop my 3 year old off at Grandma's for the night. As soon as I leave, my daughter heads over to the kitchen table, sits down and says "let's get this party started!". Grandma said she couldn't do anything for awhile since she was laughing so hard.

 

[pigskinliquors]

My four year old daughter has seen way too many Chick-Fil-A commercials. Last night after she poured a sizeable portion of BBQ over her chicken, she stated...

"Daddy, when cows eat Chickens, do they use BBQ sauce, or eat them straight-up?"

 

[Jaysus]

My sister's sister-in-law was trying to convey to her young son (Under 2 at the time) that he needed to communicate things by speaking rather than just grunting at them. For instance, when he wanted to remove his jacket, he used to partially remove one arm and start flailing towards them while grunting.

One day they dropped him off at day care. It was a pretty cool morning, so when they left him there he wanted to keep his jacket on. A few hours into the day, she got a phone call from a woman at daycare who was curious what they had been teaching this boy at home.

Apparently he got warm as the day went on, and trying to follow-through on what his mother was teaching him, he proceeded to repeat to the ladies over and over again, "Jack off. Jack off. Jack off."

They call it a coat now.

HA!

 

[ScottNorwood]

I don't have kids, but I was once a camp counsellor. One of my kids took a peek at my junk while i was pissing. No big deal I thought, just a curious kid. Then he goes over to a female counsellor and says "Norwood's penis is big and hairy". This girl was absolutely mortified. Thankfully the kid explained that he snuck a peek, and there was no foul play on my part.

 

[Franknbeans]

My daughter, when she was about 4. She had been "acting up" in daycare. My wife was frustrated and said some things that maybe she shouldn't have. Next day, the daycare "teacher" asks my daughter if she was going to be good. My daughter replies "yes, because if I'm bad mommy is going to beat the #### out of me."

trailer park humor never gets old

 

[Foosball God]

I don't have kids, but I was once a camp counsellor. One of my kids took a peek at my junk while i was pissing. No big deal I thought, just a curious kid. Then he goes over to a female counsellor and says "Norwood's penis is big and hairy". This girl was absolutely mortified. Thankfully the kid explained that he snuck a peek, and there was no foul play on my part.

 

[RoarinSonoran]

When my daughter was about 18months old, she did one of those where-did-she-learn-that things and I asked her if she was a prodigy. was her reply. She'll be 10 on Saturday, and darned if she wasn't telling the truth back then! She's excelling in school, in gymnastics, and at cheerleading.

We were driving near the mall one time with my other daughter (she was around 6-8yo) and she asked if we could go to Toys-for-Us.

 

[General Malaise]

So my 3 year old has been learning how to poop on the potty earlier in the year and along the way, he picked up that reading is an essential part of pooping, as is privacy and so, when he heads in there, he brings a book, asks for the door to be shut so he can have his privacy and away he goes until he yells for me to wipe his butt.

However, our nanny wasn't quite aware of this elaborate process of his, so on one his first solo poopings under her watch, she became alarmed after not hearing from him for several minutes. So she knocked on the door and asked him "Kellen, are you okay?" to which he replied "Yes, I'm just pooping out the issues".

Recently, we started house hunting as both my parents and a good buddy of mine are moving to Portland this summer. The kids like to house hunt and ride around in the car and one day, we spotted a million dollar home that had it all - docking station for the ipod, sports bar, pool, gazeebo...you name it, this thing was dope.

Well, that home must have made an impression on the three year old as later that day he asked me, "Daddy, can we buy the expensive home?" (the kid has the vocabulary of a child much older). Chuckling I gave my stock reply "No buddy, I don't have enough money to buy that home". My son replied "Ohhh. Well, you sure seem to have a lot of money".

When he was two, I was teaching him that we don't use the word "Damn it" when something bad happens. He picked that up from his mother, I'm certain of it. As I was telling him it wasn't nice to use that and we just didn't say it out loud, he paused, looked at me and said "Daddy, do we say '#### it'"? only he left out the 'r'. Ahhhhhhhhh, no no no....we don't say that either Kellen. I'm pretty sure he got that one from me.

 

[Punk]

When my daughter was 3 I remember this one funny thing she said...

We are outside on a hot summer day, and we walk by the garbage cans which smell pretty bad from the heat and being full of garbage. "daddy, it smells like ash out here." except ash didn't have an h



She says pretty funny stuff all the time, but that is one I will remember.

 

[Big Baby]

my 5 year old uses the right words from metaphors/similies etc but tends to mix them up.

Charlie: DAD, CAN YOU COME HERE!!!

Me: What do you need?

Charlie: I AH, I....I NEED A LOT OF HANDS DOWN HERE!!

 

[Punk]

"Kellen, are you okay?"

Kellen

 

[General Malaise]

"Kellen, are you okay?"

Kellen

GB Punk

 

[RoarinSonoran]

We are outside on a hot summer day, and we walk by the garbage cans which smell pretty bad from the heat and being full of garbage. "daddy, it smells like ash out here." except ash didn't have an h

It smelled like 'as'?

 

[Bob Sacamano]

A guy my wife works with told this story to a group of us a few weeks ago. He lives in a very Mormon neighborhood. He does the 4 day work week thing, and on his day off he took his kid to the park.

So, he's hanging out with all the Mormon moms in the park, his son is playing in the sandbox by himself, and his son starts talking to himself while he's playing. No big deal. Kids do it all the time. But it isn't long before he starts talking louder. And after a few minutes, he can hear what his son is saying. And it's pretty obvious the Mormon mothers hear him, too.

Little Johnnie is recounting the anatomy lesson they'd been through a few weeks earlier.

"Daddy has a penis. Mommy has a ######. Angie (sister) has a ######. Kyle (brother) has a penis."

And as this guy is trying not to burst out laughing and attempting to sprint across the park to get little Johnnie to talk about anything but anatomy, he starts in on his teachers...

"Mr. Jones has a penis. Mrs. Smith has a ######. Mr. Thoms has a pe..."

The guys gets to little Johnnie and interrupts him with the "Hey, buddy. What are you doing?"

They play for a little while before he packs up and heads home. At the end of telling the story, he looks at all of us and completely deadpans in a very proud manner, "But he got them all right."

 

[General Malaise]

oh yeah, my son calls his junk his 'peanuts'. i think i told him once that it was a penis, but he heard 'peanuts' so now, we'll get things like this:

me: "Kellen, do you need to go pee?"

son: No daddy, I'm just holding my peanuts."

 

[Idiot Boxer]

son@age 3 (while counting on the potty) "21..22..23...my penis is 23 inches long daddy"

son@age 5 (after repeating a request a number of times) "what, am I speaking French here?"

daughter @ age 3 (after getting soap in her mouth) "tastes like chicken"

daughter @ age 3 (answering questions about animal sounds) "what do cows say?" "moo" "...and what do mommies say?" "don't"

daughter @ age 3 (to mom) "I'v got a cute little bottom, you've got a big butt"

 

[Jaysus]

oh yeah, my son calls his junk his 'peanuts'. i think i told him once that it was a penis, but he heard 'peanuts' so now, we'll get things like this:

me: "Kellen, do you need to go pee?"

son: No daddy, I'm just holding my peanuts."

ok, that is my new favorite!

 

[superbeck1]

My nephew is around 4 years old at the time and he is swimming in our pool. A friend of mine and I are sitting nearby watching jump in and out of the pool. At one point he gets out of the pool and stands there kind of motioning around his privates and looking down his shorts....

So here goes:

Me: what's wrong buddy? do you need to go to the bathroom?

nephew : No <continuespullingandpeeking>

buddy: so leave it alone then little guy, it'll grow.

Nephew: yeah I hope so.

 

[Swapster]

When my son was 5, he was just learning to ride a 2-wheeler. One afternoon, he wanted me to go out with him to practice and I said I'd be right out... he started without me.

So, he's out there a couple of minutes and gets on the bike but has the helmut on the driveway. I was watching him out the window and saw that he had taken a fall going about 1/2 mile an hour - just toppled over.

He comes running in the house. MOM!!!

Him: If you fall off your bike and you're not wearing a helmut do you always get brain damage? (I guess that was my explanation for why he needed a helmut).

Me: No, not always, why?

Him: Well, how do you know if you got brain damage?

Me: Well, you won't be able to think very well.

Him:

Me: You don't have brain damage.

Him: How do you know?

Me: What's 1 + 1

Him: 2

Me: What's 2+ 2

Him: 4

Me: What's 5 + 5

Him: Ummmm.... 8????

Me: Oh Oh!

Him: WAIT! It's OK! I didn't know that one before!

 

[Sack-Religious.]

oh yeah, my son calls his junk his 'peanuts'. i think i told him once that it was a penis, but he heard 'peanuts' so now, we'll get things like this:

me: "Kellen, do you need to go pee?"

son: No daddy, I'm just holding my peanuts."

This will, no doubt, work its way into the lexicon of my household.

 

[Big Baby]

son@age 3 (while counting on the potty) "21..22..23...my penis is 23 inches long daddy"

son@age 5 (after repeating a request a number of times) "what, am I speaking French here?"

daughter @ age 3 (after getting soap in her mouth) "tastes like chicken"

daughter @ age 3 (answering questions about animal sounds) "what do cows say?" "moo" "...and what do mommies say?" "don't"

daughter @ age 3 (to mom) "I'v got a cute little bottom, you've got a big butt"

 

[fightingchick]

My daughter (age 6 at the time) was quite sensitive. One car ride she starting crying over something trivial that her sister had said to her. I go into a lengthy discussion with her that being a big girl meant that she couldn't cry over everything. During this discussion I made a wrong turn. I swiftly pointed this out to her and said, "see, Dad didn't cry over simply making a wrong turn."

She says, "yeah, but you usually say Damit."

 

[KGB]

son@age 5 (after repeating a request a number of times) "what, am I speaking French here?"

daughter @ age 3 (after getting soap in her mouth) "tastes like chicken"

 

[Broncoholic]

I was in the shower and my daughter age 4 told her younger sister age 3 "Daddy has a funny looking ######"

....Of course I here my wife laughing her ### off in the next room.

 

[eroom1369]

I took my 3 year old son to the Dr. last year for a check up. He's a thumbsucker. So he was going to town, sucking his thumb, and the nurse comes in, and says "Mmmmm, whats that thumb taste like, cotton candy?" My son looks at her matter of factly, and says "No, caviar." I had never heard him use the word bfore! I busted out laughing. I asked where he had that word, and he told me, "Zach and Cody from the Disney channel.

 

[JFT Ben]

While this wasn't my daughter, this happened last week in the women's locker room as I was getting our daughter ready for swim class. Story as described by my wife.

Woman was helping to get her 3 or 4 year old daughter get ready for swimming, when the kid says "Daddy has a GIANT penis!"

Mother then "shhhhh" ,

daughter: "penis",

Mom "Shhhh"

daughter "penis, Penis, PENIS!!"

My wife was stifling laughter as she ran out of the locker room.. Daddy must have been proud

 

[Idiot Boxer]

My wife was at the gym last night getting our three year old ready for swimming when she started talking about how giant my penis is. Some lady ran out of the locker room laughing.

Considering that my son has a 23 inch penis and has yet to reach puberty...well, obviously, my daughter wasn't lying.

 

[SFBayDuck]

Whenever I tell my 2 1/2 year old daughter that I have to go to the bathroom she yells out, "Don't read a book! Just stand up and do it!".

 

[Suxbnu]

When my son said, "daddy, how come I look more like uncle steve than you?"

 

[Formula77]

My wife was wrestling around with my, then 4 year old son. He accidentally kicked her "down there" and she said "ow!". I asked him "what did you do to Mom?"

He told me "I kicked her in the nuts!"

Wife tells him "I'm a girl...I don't have nuts.'

Kid thinks about it for a minute "I kicked Mommy in the hair!"

She's not shaved?

 

[Formula77]

My wife was wrestling around with my, then 4 year old son. He accidentally kicked her "down there" and she said "ow!". I asked him "what did you do to Mom?"

He told me "I kicked her in the nuts!"

Wife tells him "I'm a girl...I don't have nuts.'

Kid thinks about it for a minute "I kicked Mommy in the hair!"

She's not shaved?

SHOW SOME CLASS, BRO!

Is your kid reading this?