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GM's Thread About Everything/GM's Thread About Nothing (16 Viewers)

They're the booksmart nerds of the dog world.

"You want me to pee where?  What?  That makes no sense.  Oh, you have food!  And positive reinforcement!  I'll learn it tomorrow."

"You want me to sit?  Why?  I have no need to sitting.  Oh, you have food!  And positive reinforcement.  Look, I can sit!"

*12 hours later.  And EVERY DAY thereafter*

"Look!  I can still sit.  Do you have more food?"

"Um, I don't know if you're aware, but... there's a cardboard box over there.  I'm never going on that half of the house again."

"Roll over?  For treats?  Give me 10 minutes, and I'm sure we can do that.  As... as long as we do it on this half of the house."

"Just so you're aware, a hot air balloon just went over the backyard.  I'm pretty sure it wants to kill me, so we're also never going back there again.  Now, come here so I can slobber on your face just in case it will earn me a treat.  That reminds me, look, I can sit!!!"

 
Bob Sacamano said:
"Just so you're aware, a hot air balloon just went over the backyard.  I'm pretty sure it wants to kill me, so we're also never going back there again.  Now, come here so I can slobber on your face just in case it will earn me a treat.  That reminds me, look, I can sit!!!"
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Growing up I had a half mastiff/half yellow lab.  Huge, stupid dog.   One day this woman was doing a promotion that involved a hot air balloon shaped like a chicken.   She had some sort of problem and ended up off course and flying over my neighborhood at about 75 feet above the ground, eventually crash landing up the hill from us.   The dog was traumatized for life by the giant chicken floating over the house and making loud noises as the pilot kept burning bursts of gas.   From then on, it was terrified of anything in the air or that made a shadow--planes, clouds, birds (there were a lot of loose parrots and macaws in San Diego, and they would make very loud squawking noises as they flew over).  Literally anything that was above the ground scared him, even a single sparrow.  

He got so scared that he eventually clawed/chewed the way through the wood railings of our deck and then broke the back door of the house.  

 
-fish- said:
Growing up I had a half mastiff/half yellow lab.  Huge, stupid dog.   One day this woman was doing a promotion that involved a hot air balloon shaped like a chicken.   She had some sort of problem and ended up off course and flying over my neighborhood at about 75 feet above the ground, eventually crash landing up the hill from us.   The dog was traumatized for life by the giant chicken floating over the house and making loud noises as the pilot kept burning bursts of gas.   From then on, it was terrified of anything in the air or that made a shadow--planes, clouds, birds (there were a lot of loose parrots and macaws in San Diego, and they would make very loud squawking noises as they flew over).  Literally anything that was above the ground scared him, even a single sparrow.  

He got so scared that he eventually clawed/chewed the way through the wood railings of our deck and then broke the back door of the house.  
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Last night the power went out for 5 minutes. As soon as it did, one stupid dog jumped on my lap because he was scared.  When the power came back on the other stupid dog jumped on my lap because it scared him.

 
5-ish Finkle said:
Kind of.  I never remotely thought I'd find anything of substance in Polk Co. FL.  We "set up camp" here because of her family and it was at least centrally located between a couple of much larger markets.  The rub there is that the Orlando and Tampa markets both suck.....which I already knew, and pointed out again and again.  We'd lived in/around them for 15 years prior, and I had to find a job in Illinois that let me work remote to make real money for half of that time.

Anyway, I'm going to shut up about it now.  This is why I normally don't do this here.  I just end up feeling like I'm #####ing/raging against the machine and nobody else needs that crap.  It'd have been quicker for me to just post "I'm in a sucky situation that I foresaw 1000%, found a decent way out of it that I passed on because I'm apparently too nice of a guy, I'm pissed off at myself about it, and am pretty much resenting my wife."
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I"m sorry to read this, in large part because I encouraged you to post more about it.  I really hope you won't think that you're #####ing or anything that people won't be fine with.  It's such a lovely group here (except FDAS, who is the worst), and people genuinely care.  Even if it's just venting, it can be useful.  And hopefully even more helpful than that.  You contribute a ton to the thread without ever having asked for anything in return, unlike me who whinily says "I'm depressed, entertain me!"  You deserve to have some folks giving good advice and caring, friend.

ETA:  Or, what if I'd scrolled to the next page I would have seen GM said in fewer words.  ####### lawyers.

 
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You know how I came to Baltimore and all you folks were great about giving me cool stuff to do?

I got in Tuesday night, late enough that I just had dinner in the ####ty hotel restaurant.  Then around 3 a.m., I became uncomfortable.  Turned out I got food poisoning (I assume) from my meal, which laid me out for all of Wednesday.  Missed lunch plus the big "welcome to Baltimore" crabfest with the group I"m here to meet.  I informed the guy in charge of Wednesday night's dinner that I was missing it due to these issues.

This morning I made it to our all-day meetings, at which the senior VP in his opening remarks said, "Hey, isn't there someone here who got food poisoning?"  I've worked with these people for nearly four years and had not met anyone in the room yet.  So their introduction to me was my being identified as "the person who spent her night ####ting and puking."

I was hoping I'd get past that, but then I had to leave the meeting to do some work for about 45 minutes.  20 minutes in, I started getting texts from everyone:  "Are you OK?  Are you sick again?"  So now I'm the person who, if she disappears for a few minutes, is undoubtedly pooping.

Then we walked to the Orioles game, which seemed to be 80 billion blocks and 14 gazillion degrees away, and I was dripping with sweat.  I felt like I was gonna die.  I wish I had.

In sum:  in Baltimore, the only food I had made me violently ill, and I'm now the person who ####s and sweats all the time.  Great trip.

 
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krista4 said:
You know how I came to Baltimore and all you folks were great about giving me cool stuff to do?

I got in Tuesday night, late enough that I just had dinner in the ####ty hotel restaurant.  Then around 3 a.m., I became uncomfortable.  Turned out I got food poisoning (I assume) from my meal, which laid me out for all of Wednesday.  Missed lunch plus the big "welcome to Baltimore" crabfest with the group I"m here to meet.  I informed the guy in charge of Wednesday night's dinner that I was missing it due to these issues.

This morning I made it to our all-day meetings, at which the senior VP in his opening remarks said, "Hey, isn't there someone here who got food poisoning?"  I've worked with these people for nearly four years and had not met anyone in the room yet.  So their introduction to me was my being identified as "the person who spent her night ####ting and puking."

I was hoping I'd get past that, but then I had to leave the meeting to do some work for about 45 minutes.  20 minutes in, I started getting texts from everyone:  "Are you OK?  Are you sick again?"  So now I'm the person who, if she disappears for a few minutes, is undoubtedly pooping.

Then we walked to the Orioles game, which seemed to be 80 billion blocks and 14 gazillion degrees away, and I was dripping with sweat.  I felt like I was gonna die.  I wish I had.

In sum:  in Baltimore, the only food I had made me violently ill, and I'm now the person who ####s and sweats all the time.  Great trip.
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Sounds like a pretty typical trip to Baltimore.

 
krista4 said:
You know how I came to Baltimore and all you folks were great about giving me cool stuff to do?

I got in Tuesday night, late enough that I just had dinner in the ####ty hotel restaurant.  Then around 3 a.m., I became uncomfortable.  Turned out I got food poisoning (I assume) from my meal, which laid me out for all of Wednesday.  Missed lunch plus the big "welcome to Baltimore" crabfest with the group I"m here to meet.  I informed the guy in charge of Wednesday night's dinner that I was missing it due to these issues.

This morning I made it to our all-day meetings, at which the senior VP in his opening remarks said, "Hey, isn't there someone here who got food poisoning?"  I've worked with these people for nearly four years and had not met anyone in the room yet.  So their introduction to me was my being identified as "the person who spent her night ####ting and puking."

I was hoping I'd get past that, but then I had to leave the meeting to do some work for about 45 minutes.  20 minutes in, I started getting texts from everyone:  "Are you OK?  Are you sick again?"  So now I'm the person who, if she disappears for a few minutes, is undoubtedly pooping.

Then we walked to the Orioles game, which seemed to be 80 billion blocks and 14 gazillion degrees away, and I was dripping with sweat.  I felt like I was gonna die.  I wish I had.

In sum:  in Baltimore, the only food I had made me violently ill, and I'm now the person who ####s and sweats all the time.  Great trip.
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shoulda just had the quinoa ;)  

 
5-ish Finkle said:
Hey, I can sketch cobalt as easy as corndogs and my wife's BFF lives near Portland, so that'd be an easier sell for a move.  Let your CEO know.  We could develop a full-on brand package.  Make cobalt more relatable with an iconic avatar, etc. 

"Hey, kids! I'm Cobie Cobalt.  My atomic # is 27 and the most-est important thing for you all to remember is that I'M NOT THAT ####### ####### TUNGSTEN!!!!"
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Reminded me of this.  

 
krista4 said:
You know how I came to Baltimore and all you folks were great about giving me cool stuff to do?

I got in Tuesday night, late enough that I just had dinner in the ####ty hotel restaurant.  Then around 3 a.m., I became uncomfortable.  Turned out I got food poisoning (I assume) from my meal, which laid me out for all of Wednesday.  Missed lunch plus the big "welcome to Baltimore" crabfest with the group I"m here to meet.  I informed the guy in charge of Wednesday night's dinner that I was missing it due to these issues.

This morning I made it to our all-day meetings, at which the senior VP in his opening remarks said, "Hey, isn't there someone here who got food poisoning?"  I've worked with these people for nearly four years and had not met anyone in the room yet.  So their introduction to me was my being identified as "the person who spent her night ####ting and puking."

I was hoping I'd get past that, but then I had to leave the meeting to do some work for about 45 minutes.  20 minutes in, I started getting texts from everyone:  "Are you OK?  Are you sick again?"  So now I'm the person who, if she disappears for a few minutes, is undoubtedly pooping.

Then we walked to the Orioles game, which seemed to be 80 billion blocks and 14 gazillion degrees away, and I was dripping with sweat.  I felt like I was gonna die.  I wish I had.

In sum:  in Baltimore, the only food I had made me violently ill, and I'm now the person who ####s and sweats all the time.  Great trip.
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Sorry, Krista.  

Pretty damn funny though.  

 
krista4 said:
You know how I came to Baltimore and all you folks were great about giving me cool stuff to do?

I got in Tuesday night, late enough that I just had dinner in the ####ty hotel restaurant.  Then around 3 a.m., I became uncomfortable.  Turned out I got food poisoning (I assume) from my meal, which laid me out for all of Wednesday.  Missed lunch plus the big "welcome to Baltimore" crabfest with the group I"m here to meet.  I informed the guy in charge of Wednesday night's dinner that I was missing it due to these issues.

This morning I made it to our all-day meetings, at which the senior VP in his opening remarks said, "Hey, isn't there someone here who got food poisoning?"  I've worked with these people for nearly four years and had not met anyone in the room yet.  So their introduction to me was my being identified as "the person who spent her night ####ting and puking."

I was hoping I'd get past that, but then I had to leave the meeting to do some work for about 45 minutes.  20 minutes in, I started getting texts from everyone:  "Are you OK?  Are you sick again?"  So now I'm the person who, if she disappears for a few minutes, is undoubtedly pooping.

Then we walked to the Orioles game, which seemed to be 80 billion blocks and 14 gazillion degrees away, and I was dripping with sweat.  I felt like I was gonna die.  I wish I had.

In sum:  in Baltimore, the only food I had made me violently ill, and I'm now the person who ####s and sweats all the time.  Great trip.
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I bet it was the quinoa oatmeal 

 
krista4 said:
You know how I came to Baltimore and all you folks were great about giving me cool stuff to do?

I got in Tuesday night, late enough that I just had dinner in the ####ty hotel restaurant.  Then around 3 a.m., I became uncomfortable.  Turned out I got food poisoning (I assume) from my meal, which laid me out for all of Wednesday.  Missed lunch plus the big "welcome to Baltimore" crabfest with the group I"m here to meet.  I informed the guy in charge of Wednesday night's dinner that I was missing it due to these issues.

This morning I made it to our all-day meetings, at which the senior VP in his opening remarks said, "Hey, isn't there someone here who got food poisoning?"  I've worked with these people for nearly four years and had not met anyone in the room yet.  So their introduction to me was my being identified as "the person who spent her night ####ting and puking."

I was hoping I'd get past that, but then I had to leave the meeting to do some work for about 45 minutes.  20 minutes in, I started getting texts from everyone:  "Are you OK?  Are you sick again?"  So now I'm the person who, if she disappears for a few minutes, is undoubtedly pooping.

Then we walked to the Orioles game, which seemed to be 80 billion blocks and 14 gazillion degrees away, and I was dripping with sweat.  I felt like I was gonna die.  I wish I had.

In sum:  in Baltimore, the only food I had made me violently ill, and I'm now the person who ####s and sweats all the time.  Great trip.
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kinda how I describe you to all my friends anyways :shrug:

* I don't have any friends

* and I don't describe my fantasy friends to my non-existent friends

 
krista4 said:
You know how I came to Baltimore and all you folks were great about giving me cool stuff to do?

I got in Tuesday night, late enough that I just had dinner in the ####ty hotel restaurant.  Then around 3 a.m., I became uncomfortable.  Turned out I got food poisoning (I assume) from my meal, which laid me out for all of Wednesday.  Missed lunch plus the big "welcome to Baltimore" crabfest with the group I"m here to meet.  I informed the guy in charge of Wednesday night's dinner that I was missing it due to these issues.

This morning I made it to our all-day meetings, at which the senior VP in his opening remarks said, "Hey, isn't there someone here who got food poisoning?"  I've worked with these people for nearly four years and had not met anyone in the room yet.  So their introduction to me was my being identified as "the person who spent her night ####ting and puking."

I was hoping I'd get past that, but then I had to leave the meeting to do some work for about 45 minutes.  20 minutes in, I started getting texts from everyone:  "Are you OK?  Are you sick again?"  So now I'm the person who, if she disappears for a few minutes, is undoubtedly pooping.

Then we walked to the Orioles game, which seemed to be 80 billion blocks and 14 gazillion degrees away, and I was dripping with sweat.  I felt like I was gonna die.  I wish I had.

In sum:  in Baltimore, the only food I had made me violently ill, and I'm now the person who ####s and sweats all the time.  Great trip.
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It's the city that killed Wallace.  I'm surprised you went, Frankly Sobotkaly.

 
RC94 said:
Aah, ah, ah, yeah, #### me, aaahh, yeah, ah, ah…  - Jenna Jamison
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Speaking of.....I, uh, stumbled upon an interview with one of my favorite starlets from the pr0n days of yore who decided to come (heh) out of retirement recently and shoot some more videos, this time under a certain genre of films that rhymes with DILF, given her age in the industry.  So I felt compelled to search out some of the newer works and boy, I kind of wish I hadn't for the noises that Briana Banks makes when, uh, acting sound exactly what I think a goose would sound like being suffocated by a boa constrictor.  The drugs, years and weight gain notwithstanding, her auditory tones have left me wondering if I can unmasturbate to somebody.  

 
General Malaise said:
Speaking of.....I, uh, stumbled upon an interview with one of my favorite starlets from the pr0n days of yore who decided to come (heh) out of retirement recently and shoot some more videos, this time under a certain genre of films that rhymes with DILF, given her age in the industry.  So I felt compelled to search out some of the newer works and boy, I kind of wish I hadn't for the noises that Briana Banks makes when, uh, acting sound exactly what I think a goose would sound like being suffocated by a boa constrictor.  The drugs, years and weight gain notwithstanding, her auditory tones have left me wondering if I can unmasturbate to somebody.  
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There are some things that you can't unsee/unhear

 
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General Malaise said:
Speaking of.....I, uh, stumbled upon an interview with one of my favorite starlets from the pr0n days of yore who decided to come (heh) out of retirement recently and shoot some more videos, this time under a certain genre of films that rhymes with DILF, given her age in the industry.  So I felt compelled to search out some of the newer works and boy, I kind of wish I hadn't for the noises that Briana Banks makes when, uh, acting sound exactly what I think a goose would sound like being suffocated by a boa constrictor.  The drugs, years and weight gain notwithstanding, her auditory tones have left me wondering if I can unmasturbate to somebody.  
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It seems like you might want to consider starting with unimpregnating.

 
Related:

Had a student this last year named Omar.  At least once a week I'd call out "Omar comin!" when I'd see him.  He had no idea what I was talking about.  I think I briefly explained it once.

Turns out that Omar is doing summer school at the Catholic school across town...same place I'm teaching right now.

I still get to yell "Omar comin!" at him a couple of times a week.

 
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General Malaise said:
What's the best way to open a pistachio that's clamped all the way shut?  God I hate that.  
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-Chuck it aside and pick another one, it's not like it's a raisin or anything.... 

-pop it in your mouth, works especially well with the salty ones

- compliment its outfit and buy it a drink

(wasn't really sure if we are speaking in euphemisms still or not, but most of these still apply in both cases)

 
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