Say, you guys want to feel a little better about yourselves this morning? I know you do! Sit back and take a little spin in my shoes in what I'm calling
"The Week of Woe".
- Monday: Not sure if our little town of weird has made national news for the torrential downpours and flooding that is now killing people who suffer from hubris and think their little eco-friendly roller skate cars can plough through the standing high water that's littering our roads now, but
Portland is getting abused by rain which has not only flooded my back yard, but is now causing a neat little leak around my chimney that's penetrating all the way down to our basement and will cost $1,500 to fix. Merry ####### Xmas to me. That was how my morning began. Work's been a dumpster fire the last few months with dismal performance, redemptions and talk of shutting it all down. So after a nasty day at the office where my stress level was elevated to 11, I hopped in my car, hoping to race home and find the warm embrace of
my loving wife and family booze. One little problem. The highway I take home every day which is clogged like John Madden's arteries (too soon?) on a good day was a virtual parking lot. Why? Because ODOT shut down the highway due to high water and was forcing cars to exit. Did I learn this from traffic reports on the radio or those worthless ####### electric signs that tell us to slow down or use caution stop masturbating? No. I had to rely on Twitter and some cunning short-cut navigation through neighborhoods along with every other wiseacre who was doing the same. 90 minutes after leaving the office which is 12 miles from my house, I was home. Home where I learned my son had clogged a toilet with TP & turds, so with screaming twin infant in one arm and a plunger in the other, I plunged the mess away. Hey at least the MNF game was on and that would be fun to watch, especially since I had the Redskins -3 in a virtual lock at home against a hapless Cowboys' team that can't move the ball without Romo.
- Tuesday: Nothing out of the ordinary, maybe things have turned around? Work sucked, but my commute home wasn't bad. I even got to make a giant pot of turkey stock with the leftover carcass, which I roasted before throwing into a stock pot, creating a wonderful smelling, deliciously rich turkey stock which I'll use for soups and jambalaya and gumbo and maybe I'll bathe in it, who knows? So much stock was made that I ran out of Tupperware containers and, thinking outside the box, located my giant thermos and patted myself on the back filling it to the brim, shutting the lid on tight and putting it in the fridge for future use this week. Went on to make Mexican Turkey soup that night, enough for the work week and hey, lookie there, life is back on track!
- Wednesday: Greeted at the office by my CFO and boss who let me know the CFO screwed up last month overpaying two limited partners who redeemed in full by a total of $25,000. Every hedge fund I've ever known or been a part of pays 90% of their redemption requests leaving a 10% holdback so the auditors can do their thing and ensure there are no errors. But not our hedge fund, no....our CFO prides himself on his impeccable work, after all, he DID go to Dartmouth! Only this time, he screwed up and over paid two partners, one a half drunk crazy Pollock who is losing his assssssssss off with businesses in Russia. The other a Korean who gives me a headache every time I talk to him, not for his poor English, but for his poor understanding of anything and incessant need to ask the same question over and over. How he made his wealth, I have no idea, but guess who was tasked with recovering this money? Oh, and recourse? LOOLLLLOOOO! Oh well, at least my boss really liked our stylistic Xmas cards that I ordered from Vista Print, only you can't say Xmas anymore, so the sleek black modern design with a white Xmas tree and our flashy new corporate logo that I put on there looked really good and he said so, only he paused and said "Wait a minute? Did you see this? They spelled 'Happy Holidays' with two LLs! We can't send out cards that say 'Happy Hollidays!' How did they screw this up?"

He could tell from my sheepish reply and face discoloration that it wasn't Vista Print that screwed up; it was poor spelling, dim witted, worthless corporate waste that is General Malaise who butchered the spelling on our company
holiday cards.
- Today: You remember the back-patting smart mofo who thought outside the box and used his giant thermos to house the rest of his turkey stock that he made on Tuesday? Yeah, here's a pro-tip for you amateur chefs out there - when you are making a stock or anything really and you plan on putting in the fridge for later use, let it cool down before putting the contents under pressure in, say, a giant thermos. As I walked downstairs this morning, ready to go into the office, I heard two crying infants and one braying 3 year old shouting for her mother. Her mother, the most patient, calm woman in the world was shouting back to her that she was busy! Busy? Busy with what? Oh....right. The vegetarian wife of the dumbest dildo on the planet was emptying the entire fridge because everything was covered in rich, delicious turkey stock, including her veggies and fruits and, well...it was straight out of a scene from the movie
Seven absent the head in the box, though there's no guarantee mine won't be shipped UPS later today when she realizes that smell is harder to get rid of then a house infested with farts.
TL;DR I'm a barely functional assssss clown who really has no business breeding.