GM's Thread About Everything/GM's Thread About Nothing (13 Viewers)

[Frostillicus]

This is all so great.

Glad you didn't become a hood ornament on a leased BMW, GB.

Thanks GB. Kind of freaked out though because the guy is obviously delusional and crazy. Oh and he lives nearby and we're at this Walgreen's alot. Of course a CVS just opened a little closer and I was already considering switching, now it seems like an even better idea.

It's a balmy 27 degrees here and I'm about to leave for a walk. A large knife will be accompanying me for quite awhile.

If he had a warrant out for his arrest, chances are he'll be locked up for a little bit, right? Woz?

Does he know your last name? I doubt he has your address, right?

It was a traffic warrant. Probably posted bail and get a court date set.

No, he doesn't know my name, to my knowledge, but I live out in the sticks now so small population. Plus I'm out walking all the time so highly visible.

I wonder if people think you're a hobo.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

My latest shtick at home is me assigning random profile picks to the wife's contacts on her iPhone

So far I have

Princess Peach from Mario

A bird

A canister of powdered country time lemonade

A picture of my cat taking a dump in his liter box

The best part is I don't think she knows how to change it so she just yells at me

Taking suggestions for the next one...nothing graphic or sexual in nature though

You have reached your quota of positive votes for the day

 

[General Malaise]

Life has been strange as usual for me. You heard about Cal on Monday throwing the pencil at the teacher. I come to find out he also cussed her out for "not doing her job" in stopping the bullying.

On Tuesday something really bad happened at work that could be a precursor to major changes in my life. I'll probably know in a couple of weeks, I guess.

Then today, I'm walking the dog on my normal route. On that route is a Walgreens that has one of those entrances/exits with a dramatic curve so you can only enter in one direction. In this case you can enter if you're traveling east bound and can exit east bound. I'm walking in that direction about to cross this entrance/exit when a car headed west bound pulls a half u-turn and buzzes right in front of me. I'm ####### furious. Was going so fast I couldn't even make out if it was a man or woman driving. Car pulls into the pharmacy drive through and I can see it's a man and he's looking for something in the passenger seat. I walk over and as I got close to his car, I hear the doors lock. lol I tapped on the window and say (loudly) HEY, DID YOU MISS THAT BIG NO LEFT TURN SIGN BACK THERE? YOU ALMOST HIT ME!!!" The guy responds "I CAN TURN WHEREVER I ####### WANT TO TURN!!!"

Oh okay.

So I step back and pull my phone out of my pocket with the intention of taking a pic of his license plate and car. He see's this and speeds away from the drive through. I look at my camera and ####, nothing. I gotta get a new phone. I screamed at him "YEAH DRIVE AWAY YOU ####### COWARD!!" It's extremely unlikely he heard me though. "#######" I thought and go about my walk.

That's when I notice he pulled his car in on the other side of the building and walked inside. I would have at this genius but I'm mother ####### enraged. So I go to where his car was parked and got a real nice like pic. I then walked a 5 yards or so away and called the cops. As I'm explaining what happened to the dispatcher the guy returns to his car, sees me, then goes batcrap crazy. He's yelling at me how he's going to hurt me and if I want "to take this someplace else". I asked the dispatcher if she was getting all of this and she said "yes, if you can, get away from him please." Before I can move this guy is coming at me mad as hell. What he forgot was I had my furry little buddy with me. He's a sweet pooch and pretty much a coward but not this time. He starts growling and barking like crazy pulling wanting to get as this guy. Guy freaks outs and retreats. I walk away, backwards, give cops a description. "He's an Italian looking guy early to mid 50's, 5'8 or so probably 235 pounds. Here's his license plate number and make of his car. I have a pic if you need it". More fat than muscle and obviously has seen the Godfather and Soprano's a couple too many times. I'm told a cop would be on the scene shortly.

Cop shows up, tell him what happened, left the ####### coward off part though. He runs the plate and it's in the name of a dealership so no telling who the guy is. Crap. The cop asks me what I want done should they get the guy. I told him, "at a minimum, he deserves a ticket for making an illegal turn while also going through a crosswalk with a pedestrian in it. Also, anything else you can do to scare the #### out of him". Give him my name and phone number and I start the couple mile walk home looking over my shoulder every couple of minutes.

After a mile, I get a call from the cops. They got the guy. Somehow. Cop says "yeah, this guy is a real piece of work. Are you home, I need to get a report from you". Tell him give me about 15 minutes and I'll be there.

A different cop shows up than the one I talked to in the Walgreen's parking lot. Greets me with a smile on his face and says "you'll be happy to know that the guy, this ##### bag, had a warrant out for his arrest. So we wrote him the tickets AND he's now on his way to jail." We both had a hearty chuckle and I thanked him as I wrote out a report as to what happened. Before he left, I asked the cop if I should be worried about this pscyhopath and he said "no, I wouldn't worry at all". Of course I will be. I also asked what the version of this guy's story was. Cop said the guy tried to claim I tried to jump in front of his car, BECAUSE HE DRIVES A BMW!!11!!!, so I could sue him. After he said that, the cop looks at my house, kind of grins, and shakes his head. "You don't look like the kind of person that needs to risk getting killed for a couple bucks. Plus his Beamer is leased which is why we couldn't track him down right away. Hey, that's really nice looking landscaping. When did you get it done?". I replied, yesterday, they literally just finished doing the front yesterday.

Then he shook my hand and drove away.

Give your dog a nice T-bone for me. I'll paypal.

Nice to read stories where cops are cool guys.

 

[General Malaise]

I went to the library today for a 45 minute information session about kindergarten. It went an hour and 15 minutes and I mostly just learned that everything I needed was in the folder they handed out and on the website if I list the folder. I also watched a ten minute video of kids talking at a kindergarten level in a kindergarten class and found out that the bus is a lot of fun and a lot of kids look forward to riding on the bus.

I also learned that we have a library in town and all the books are free if you give them back when you're done. I'd forgotten all about libraries. So that was nice.

I want to lie and tell you it gets better, but alas, it does not. And it's not because of the kids and it's not because of the teachers and it's not because of the school. Just wait until you endure the mental colonoscopy that is Q&A with new parents. You don't strike me as one that will fall into this category as you are full of common sense and know how to use resources to address questions you might have. But brother, there is going to be a day soon where you'll want to cooter punch every curly haired mother who no doubt has a bumper sticker on her car that reads "Jaxson's Mom!" and can't get through an information session without raising her hand 5 times to ask the same question a different way.

 

[General Malaise]

I went to the library today for a 45 minute information session about kindergarten. It went an hour and 15 minutes and I mostly just learned that everything I needed was in the folder they handed out and on the website if I list the folder. I also watched a ten minute video of kids talking at a kindergarten level in a kindergarten class and found out that the bus is a lot of fun and a lot of kids look forward to riding on the bus.

I also learned that we have a library in town and all the books are free if you give them back when you're done. I'd forgotten all about libraries. So that was nice.

Don't forget about the free videos and Internet

my favorite part is when the parents ask "questions" that are not even thinly veiled LOOK AT MY KiD statements... for more time than the presentation.does your school support advanced latin in kindergarten?

Ooops, nevermind. I see this has already been addressed succinctly by the sagacious El Floppo.

 

[General Malaise]

My latest shtick at home is me assigning random profile picks to the wife's contacts on her iPhone

So far I have

Princess Peach from Mario

A bird

A canister of powdered country time lemonade

A picture of my cat taking a dump in his liter box

The best part is I don't think she knows how to change it so she just yells at me

Taking suggestions for the next one...nothing graphic or sexual in nature though

This is solid.

 

[General Malaise]

Wife wants another baby. Aren't the mice enough???

What's her number? I'll handle this one for you.

 

[Leeroy Jenkins]

Wife wants another baby. Aren't the mice enough???

What's her number? I'll handle this one for you.

:notsureifoffertotalkherdownorguaranteeimpregnation:

 

[General Malaise]

Wife wants another baby. Aren't the mice enough???

What's her number? I'll handle this one for you.

:notsureifoffertotalkherdownorguaranteeimpregnation:

Buddy, I assure you with every morsel in my body that I have less interest in sexual intercourse than I do ballet, gluten-free cooking or reading Timsochet's book. Tell you what, I'll just call, tell her to 'hold on' and will put my phone on speaker during the witching hour at the malaise house. If she doesn't race out of the house to triple her birth control supply, I'll buy you an island in the South Pacific.

 

[the rover]

I'm on my phone and don't want to type it out, but somebony remind me to tell the story of why my buddy is a fugitive.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Roverfish: Tell us the story about why your buddy is a fugitive.

 

[the rover]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

 

[bostonfred]

I'm on my phone and don't want to type it out, but somebony remind me to tell the story of why my buddy is a fugitive.

Use talk to text and don't edit it. Twice the entertainment value for half the effort

 

[DA RAIDERS]

My latest shtick at home is me assigning random profile picks to the wife's contacts on her iPhone

So far I have

Princess Peach from Mario

A bird

A canister of powdered country time lemonade

A picture of my cat taking a dump in his liter box

The best part is I don't think she knows how to change it so she just yells at me

Taking suggestions for the next one...nothing graphic or sexual in nature though

Good stuff, my daughter and her cousins, all between 7-10, changed my wife's contact names. I am mr poop. My wife was pissed, I couldn't be prouder. They're still new ones that pop up 2-3 weeks later. Cracks me up every time.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

 

[kevzilla]

That was no burrito

 

[bostonfred]

I hope you don't catch the coli

 

[the rover]

I hope you don't catch the coli

Nah, the burrito was great.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

BUber

 

[Bob Sacamano]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

Odd way to become a fugitive.

 

[General Malaise]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Pics? Of both Uber drivers?

 

[General Malaise]

Nice little thread you started there, Homer. Laughing hard at some of those stories.

 

[Leeroy Jenkins]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

Your life is a movie basically.

 

[General Malaise]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

Your life is a movie basically.

Yup, the kind of movie with a Brown Chick-a Brown Cow soundtrack.

 

[the rover]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

Your life is a movie basically.

Since guster and zooks retired, someone needs to entertain you people.

 

[the rover]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

Odd way to become a fugitive.

Completely unrelated. I don't have the energy for the fugitive story right now.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Stock Photo University

 

[General Malaise]

Stock Photo University

Laughing way to hard at this.

 

[El Floppo]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

this happens?

 

[Bob Sacamano]

"Where do I input this Promo Code, 'BurritoBJ'? And how do I request a female driver? No, a FEMALE driver!!"

 

[Dan Lambskin]

Going to B-Dubs tonight

 

[General Malaise]

Going to B-Dubs tonight

Hit B-Dubs last night. FIL treated me and my older boys to bowling and BWWs last night. Haven't bowled in over a year. 2nd game, I uncorked a 159...that's almost 200! Terrific time indeed.

Tonight, wife and MIL are going to the Blazers game, leaving FIL and me alone with the terrorists. I'm going to savor the fun times of last night for another hour or so and then...I'm going to wish I was born without a peenis.

 

[the rover]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

this happens?

This was a first, but in the grand scheme of my life, not all that surprising.

 

[-fish-]

sometimes I think to myself I would like to settle down and find one good woman to share my life. watch netflix, stay in and cook together, take family vacations...

then I remember the married people in here, think about how much time I wasted in my ####show of a marriage and spit coffee onto my screen laughing. going out with a woman tonight who just texted me that she wants to have dinner earlier than we planned so that we have more time to get naked.

 

[DA RAIDERS]

 

[Bob Sacamano]

So, dinner at 7:59?

 

[-fish-]

So, dinner at 7:59?

don't be insulting. 7:57.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

How long does it take?!?!?

Tell her to wear more clothes imo

 

[El Floppo]

Pffft.

My wife and I get naked all the time.

 

[ffjunk]

Pffft.

My wife and I get naked all the time.

Me and my wife too. Then we have hallway sex. This is where we walk by each other and say #### you in nice romantic voices.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Going to B-Dubs tonight

BFD

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Pffft.

My wife and I get naked all the time.

Me and my wife too. Then we have hallway sex. This is where we walk by each other and say #### you in nice romantic voices.

Boy did you ever F-up that joke.

 

[ffjunk]

Pffft.

My wife and I get naked all the time.

Me and my wife too. Then we have hallway sex. This is where we walk by each other and say #### you in nice romantic voices.

Boy did you ever F-up that joke.

How? I'm still laughing.

 

[Homer J Simpson]

Nice little thread you started there, Homer. Laughing hard at some of those stories.

 

[St. Louis Bob]

This is all so great.

Glad you didn't become a hood ornament on a leased BMW, GB.

Thanks GB. Kind of freaked out though because the guy is obviously delusional and crazy. Oh and he lives nearby and we're at this Walgreen's alot. Of course a CVS just opened a little closer and I was already considering switching, now it seems like an even better idea.

It's a balmy 27 degrees here and I'm about to leave for a walk. A large knife will be accompanying me for quite awhile.

If he had a warrant out for his arrest, chances are he'll be locked up for a little bit, right? Woz?

Does he know your last name? I doubt he has your address, right?

It was a traffic warrant. Probably posted bail and get a court date set.

No, he doesn't know my name, to my knowledge, but I live out in the sticks now so small population. Plus I'm out walking all the time so highly visible.

I wonder if people think you're a hobo.

No hobos out here, guy. Speaking of, where has Uni been?

 

[St. Louis Bob]

Life has been strange as usual for me. You heard about Cal on Monday throwing the pencil at the teacher. I come to find out he also cussed her out for "not doing her job" in stopping the bullying.

On Tuesday something really bad happened at work that could be a precursor to major changes in my life. I'll probably know in a couple of weeks, I guess.

Then today, I'm walking the dog on my normal route. On that route is a Walgreens that has one of those entrances/exits with a dramatic curve so you can only enter in one direction. In this case you can enter if you're traveling east bound and can exit east bound. I'm walking in that direction about to cross this entrance/exit when a car headed west bound pulls a half u-turn and buzzes right in front of me. I'm ####### furious. Was going so fast I couldn't even make out if it was a man or woman driving. Car pulls into the pharmacy drive through and I can see it's a man and he's looking for something in the passenger seat. I walk over and as I got close to his car, I hear the doors lock. lol I tapped on the window and say (loudly) HEY, DID YOU MISS THAT BIG NO LEFT TURN SIGN BACK THERE? YOU ALMOST HIT ME!!!" The guy responds "I CAN TURN WHEREVER I ####### WANT TO TURN!!!"

Oh okay.

So I step back and pull my phone out of my pocket with the intention of taking a pic of his license plate and car. He see's this and speeds away from the drive through. I look at my camera and ####, nothing. I gotta get a new phone. I screamed at him "YEAH DRIVE AWAY YOU ####### COWARD!!" It's extremely unlikely he heard me though. "#######" I thought and go about my walk.

That's when I notice he pulled his car in on the other side of the building and walked inside. I would have at this genius but I'm mother ####### enraged. So I go to where his car was parked and got a real nice like pic. I then walked a 5 yards or so away and called the cops. As I'm explaining what happened to the dispatcher the guy returns to his car, sees me, then goes batcrap crazy. He's yelling at me how he's going to hurt me and if I want "to take this someplace else". I asked the dispatcher if she was getting all of this and she said "yes, if you can, get away from him please." Before I can move this guy is coming at me mad as hell. What he forgot was I had my furry little buddy with me. He's a sweet pooch and pretty much a coward but not this time. He starts growling and barking like crazy pulling wanting to get as this guy. Guy freaks outs and retreats. I walk away, backwards, give cops a description. "He's an Italian looking guy early to mid 50's, 5'8 or so probably 235 pounds. Here's his license plate number and make of his car. I have a pic if you need it". More fat than muscle and obviously has seen the Godfather and Soprano's a couple too many times. I'm told a cop would be on the scene shortly.

Cop shows up, tell him what happened, left the ####### coward off part though. He runs the plate and it's in the name of a dealership so no telling who the guy is. Crap. The cop asks me what I want done should they get the guy. I told him, "at a minimum, he deserves a ticket for making an illegal turn while also going through a crosswalk with a pedestrian in it. Also, anything else you can do to scare the #### out of him". Give him my name and phone number and I start the couple mile walk home looking over my shoulder every couple of minutes.

After a mile, I get a call from the cops. They got the guy. Somehow. Cop says "yeah, this guy is a real piece of work. Are you home, I need to get a report from you". Tell him give me about 15 minutes and I'll be there.

A different cop shows up than the one I talked to in the Walgreen's parking lot. Greets me with a smile on his face and says "you'll be happy to know that the guy, this ##### bag, had a warrant out for his arrest. So we wrote him the tickets AND he's now on his way to jail." We both had a hearty chuckle and I thanked him as I wrote out a report as to what happened. Before he left, I asked the cop if I should be worried about this pscyhopath and he said "no, I wouldn't worry at all". Of course I will be. I also asked what the version of this guy's story was. Cop said the guy tried to claim I tried to jump in front of his car, BECAUSE HE DRIVES A BMW!!11!!!, so I could sue him. After he said that, the cop looks at my house, kind of grins, and shakes his head. "You don't look like the kind of person that needs to risk getting killed for a couple bucks. Plus his Beamer is leased which is why we couldn't track him down right away. Hey, that's really nice looking landscaping. When did you get it done?". I replied, yesterday, they literally just finished doing the front yesterday.

Then he shook my hand and drove away.

Give your dog a nice T-bone for me. I'll paypal.

Nice to read stories where cops are cool guys.

I gave him a nice sized piece of FDAS on Saturday. I take care of my buddy.

 

[tommyboy]

We don't even bother to take the clothes off. It usually ends with one or both of us falling asleep

 

[Homer J Simpson]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

I love you.

 

[Limp Ditka]

I bought an Uber driver a burrito on the way home from a bar, then we got so drunk she had to call another uber to take her home. In the meantime she gave me oral pleasure.

I love you.

Missed that. So.#######.Fantastic

 

[Rustoleum]

I used to read a decent amount. I haven't read much in the last year, it's been really hard to concentrate and finish a book. I blamed it on the baby (I blame everything on the baby) but I just finished my first book in the last year.

It's looking like a lot of the mental acuity I thought I had lost because of a lack of sleep was actually because my brain was getting flooded and didn't have enough room to do its thing. Also there's a chance that I don't need adderall any longer because the most affected area was the frontal lobes which regulate focus and attention.

Last week I was worried about becoming duller. Now it's looking like I'm going to be a bit sharper again.

New supersmart Ninja is going to be so pissed when he gets home and finds out where you work.

That's awesome that you are feeling so much better.