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GM's Thread About Everything/GM's Thread About Nothing (5 Viewers)

that reminds me of a sweet story of me and a lovely lass from some former soviet block country.  we met at a bachelor party, that happened to be in a strip club, in jamaica.  she was on stage when we walked in, our group ended up getting a private room with our own stage and 3 private 'booths'.  they sent 3 new girls in every 15 minutes or so..i waited..and i waited..she never showed up....i went out back and smoked a fatty with the 'madam' and expressed my passion for little blond one.  voila!  she showed up with the very next group of girls!  we had a long talk about tolstoy, and ended up in a 'booth' so we could hear each other a little better.  for $10 she was completely naked in about 8 seconds.  things were just starting to get interesting, when one of the guys pops his head in the curtain and says, we've got to leave NOW.  this made me and, we'll call her svetlana, very sad.   after a tearful goodbye, we parted ways.  i threw her another $10 for good measure  

when i got back to the hotel, i drunkenly regaled my fiancé with the whole story and said that if svetlana and i had another 20 minutes, i would have brought her home with us.  my wife just shook her head.  then we boned.  my wife is hella cool.

 
Rustoleum said:
My MIL, who was already very week from congestive heart issues, but had been much better in recent weeks, fell or tripped over her oxygen line at home yesterday and broke her hip. This after another fall just a few days ago where she broke her wrist. It requires surgery today, but it is risky because of the cardiac issues. Not a good day.
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Ugh.  Sorry to hear this.

 
i'm officially calling Bull####e on GM's coaching of youth soccer.   My kid has been in youth soccer for 6 years and it seems to be a requirement to be named either Ramon or Dikembe in order to attain a head coaching position.

 
tommyboy said:
i'm officially calling Bull####e on GM's coaching of youth soccer.   My kid has been in youth soccer for 6 years and it seems to be a requirement to be named either Ramon or Dikembe in order to attain a head coaching position.
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You don't think "Forrest" is a touch on the unusual side?

5-1 victory on Saturday.  8-0 last week.  Feel like this little team might be up to something.

 
Tecumseh said:
I really don't know why, but I almost peed. Fantastic.
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One of the reasons it's so funny is that the recorder/flutaphone sucks big time.  Every summer when I do summer school the younger kids from the into to music class puts on a recorder recital.  Regardless of the song they play it always sounds like a bunch of chimps playing "hot crossed buns".   

"And now the 3rd graders will perform 'Modern Piano Concerto No.1 by Leszek Jasionowski'..."

DOOT DOOT doooooot dooooooooot (some sort of squeal) DOO DOO DOOOOOOT (honk) dooooooot!

 
proninja said:
"####tyfluted"

:lmao:

I had to turn it off, wife is putting the baby down in the other room and I didn't want to wake them with my laughing. We all may as well be 13. 
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:lmao:   I made mr krista listen, and he said it's like the sound that Bryan Adams would make if he were tied up with a ball and gag and trying to signal to his rescuer. :lmao:

And :unsure:

 
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The chorus for the Toto one sounds like 10 trained seals all honking on bike horns to see who can be loudest.

 
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So I met up with some cop buddies of mine from all over the country and I wanted to hear some good cop stories, especially anything with a taser (I really enjoy seeing people with mullets tased FWIW).

So a guy from California, I won't say where, offered this gem...which I will paraphrase but to be honest the details of this story are hard to forget.  So this is pretty close to what happened. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So we got a call about a domestic disturbance at a trailer park, this was the second one from the same address in a week.  I pull up on scene, it was in the late hours...early morning, and I saw a naked women in the street covered in what look liked was paint.  It wasn't paint though, it was blood and feces. 

So rewind a week and we got a call about a women in need of medical assistance.  We got on scene and the woman was experiencing extreme abdominal pain.  So we called the ambulance and while we were waiting we rendered first aid.  I asked her what happened, she said her boyfriend had done this to her.  She then passed out, and I thought she would die. 

While she was taken to the hospital we located the boyfriend and begin questioning him. He said that what had happened was an "accident" and that it was not what we thought.  So after 5 minutes and us threatening to take him downtown on a domestic, he told us what happened. 

He and his lady loved to mix it up sexually, and she had requested a black dildo be involved in some butt play.  He ordered one on the innerwebs, they engaged in the sex and side action and the dildo was being worked in the ###### area.  Unfortunately the dildo ended up getting stuck (cue the :violin:  ) and she started to panic. 

So boyfriend, who is unemployed and a big fan of Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, decided it would be a good idea if he tried to remove said dildo.  So he tried to use his finger, no luck.  He spread the butt cheeks but didn't see the item.  So she said go get some utensil to try and get it out, he came back with these.

That didn't work, so they decided to let it be and they went to sleep.  Next day chick reports to work, some office job, and she feels awful.  Horrific pain in the abdomen and she told the boss she was going home.  So she goes home and she starts bleeding from her butt, full on butt bleed.  So her boyfriend calls 911, and we were the first on scene.  She was taken to the hospital, she had a punctured intestine and was in the hospital for several days and fitted with a colostomy bag.

So back to the scene where she is outside, naked, covered in blood and feces.

After she had been released from the hospital the boyfriend looked over the situation and realized she had an additional hole, and thought it would be a good idea to exploit said hole in their sexual gameplay.  She agreed, and the rest you can figure out for yourself.  :bye:  

 
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####### Dr. D. 

:lmao:

I actually get this. I wrote a poem once for a student paper. It was valentines to your professors. It went like this, about a young professor with a navel ring. 

Professor _____

We're always talking about solipsism.

But I must admit I've failed the test, I can't understand

I mean I-I-I-I-I

Always navel gazing. 

 
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L.A. won tonight in hockey. 

And some guy in the crowd with gold-covered sunglasses who was cheering immediately made me realize again why I hate L.A. even though I like the team. 

:sadbanana:

 
Similar to Dr. D's story. My brother used to work for 911 communications down here in Southern MD. He got a great call one night.

Guy call 911 and says, "he ####ed up". My brother was like what do you mean? The guy said, "there's blood everywhere". My brother is now thinking this guy has killed someone. Guy said it's his wife and they need an ambulance quickly. Apparently the guy and his wife had seen a video where someone had a dildo on the end of a sawzall. Well, the genius couple didn't realize in the video, they had removed the BLADE beforehand. They left the blade on, and it turns out, a sawzall gets it's name because it saws through everything. Rubber and flesh included. Thankfully, the woman ended up being okay. 

 
MattFancy said:
Similar to Dr. D's story. My brother used to work for 911 communications down here in Southern MD. He got a great call one night.

Guy call 911 and says, "he ####ed up". My brother was like what do you mean? The guy said, "there's blood everywhere". My brother is now thinking this guy has killed someone. Guy said it's his wife and they need an ambulance quickly. Apparently the guy and his wife had seen a video where someone had a dildo on the end of a sawzall. Well, the genius couple didn't realize in the video, they had removed the BLADE beforehand. They left the blade on, and it turns out, a sawzall gets it's name because it saws through everything. Rubber and flesh included. Thankfully, the woman ended up being okay. 
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She probably never....

:SUNGLASSES:

sawzill it coming.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 
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