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GM's Thread About Everything/GM's Thread About Nothing (15 Viewers)

Officer Pete Malloy said:
This is the best joke I've heard in years... 

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. 

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: 

"Guys, I think I ####ed up."


 
Click to expand...
THE GENIE JOKE 

 
Just saw this at reddit.  Thought it was really interesting.  Then saw the name of the poster and did a double take.   

[–]GeneralMalaiseRB 803 points 2 hours ago 


You don't understand.... I am the manager.

My tale is one of an uninteresting progression through the corporate ladder. I started as a person with a skill. Sooner or later, the person who is the best at Job X gets made the manager of the department that handles X. Before terribly long, the skills fade away. This is because each year, more hours of my day are spent on manager-ish things, and not X-related things. Countless meetings that didn't need to happen. Endless reports and irrelevant paperwork as required by the execs. A couple years down the road, and there are no relevant X-related skills remaining in me. I'm behind the times. Out of practice. End up running a team full of people with all the skills. Gotta pretend that every one of them couldn't eat me for breakfast when it comes to said skills. They still know. Doesn't really matter, I guess. I'm the boss. A few more years, and I'm in far too deep to escape. The only credentials I have now are as a boss. That means something to other bosses. Doesn't mean #### to anyone who isn't a boss. That's one of the reasons most people hate their bosses. Their only capabilities are "to boss". My job is to tell you what to do. Even though you know X better than I ever will again, my allegiance is no longer "to do X as best as possible". It's "have X done in the way that will take the least amount of time and result in the highest amount of profit." A few more years go by, and now I'm just a "bigger" boss. I tell more people what to do, including people who do Y. I've never done Y in my life, so what business is it of mine to tell them how to do Y? Well, it is. Someone's gotta be your boss, and it looks like it's me now. Here's how I'm going to harvest a little bit of your soul, day by day, in order to make my department numbers look better. Don't get me wrong... I'm not an overt ####### to people. It's not that I'm malicious. I just don't have it in me to care. "This is the way it has to be." "We don't agree with that." "Well, sorry. The company blah blah blah blah blah."

So why not get out? Hell, other companies need managers, executives, etc. Surely some non-life sucking company that does cool stuff and has a fun culture and an atmosphere of good morale needs someone to be the head of stuff. Well, I suppose there's a couple answers to that. Firstly, the pay. If you do it gradually enough, you can get a pretty hefty sum in exchange for your soul. At this point, I have extreme doubts that I could jump to another company and get paid the way I am currently. Secondly, I don't think I have the ambition at this point to do it anyway. I can stay here and continue going through the motions day after day until I drop dead on the ####ter from high blood pressure and cholesterol, and I can get paid a handsome sum for doing it. My progression through the ranks over many years in this company and in this industry is more valuable than actual abilities at this point. And thirdly, I might be too far-gone at this point anyway. The Borg has assimilated me. To expand on my previous comment, half of the stuff in OP's image makes me want to shake my jowls like Richard Nixon and make everyone come in on Sunday.

I will add one silver lining of being dead inside. I don't care about much anymore. Employee is late? Eh, I'm supposed to deal with that. Maybe later. Project isn't going to reach its deadline? Blah, it's easier and arguably more effective to make up an excuse that will be perceived as outside my control than it would be to motivate or inspire my teams to work faster. So... I'm probably not specifically hurting my employees for the most part. But I sure doubt I'm helping them in any big-picture sort of way.

 
Nothing exemplifies my own personal hell like a commuter train clique throwing a birthday party for one of their herd. Decorations hung on the windows and walls of the train, presents exchanged, champagne poured in tiny little plastic glasses. 

 
Now they're shouting to the rest of the passengers to yell 'Happy Birthday', because obviously the other 40 people in this car should give a damn.

 
Firstly, the pay. If you do it gradually enough, you can get a pretty hefty sum in exchange for your soul.
Click to expand...
I'm not going to be rich but I'm going on a five week vacation this summer.

 
I thought Odd Thomas was pretty good, actually.  Watched it a couple times.  I watched Jupiter Rising last night in my hotel.  That was pretty brutal.

So I gave it another chance and watched most of it again this morning.  

 
SlimShady said:
Worse than ball cancer 
Click to expand...
"Honey, if you tell me the compressor on the a/c is out, I'm going to go ballistic.  And then if I find out it's the capacitor ten minutes later, I'm going to go ballistic again for you making me think I have a $2000 repair bill when it costs $300 including labor."

 
In an effort to lose a few pounds, lower blood pressure and give up the stress of a stupid commute in a dense city of drivers who have no idea how to merge, use passing lanes or view the speed limit as something of  a mere suggestion, I started walking to work and back every day.  Started doing this in April.  Best thing I've ever done as I've lowered BP, dropped a few lbs, have been listening to new music and now and again, stop to smell the roses, so to speak.  Each morning, I walk from my house to a train, commute 17 minutes to my stop and walk to the office.  Just wish I started doing this sooner.

I tend to keep me head on a swivel because I've learned that despite Oregon's efforts to restrict drivers from using their phones, it's done very little to curb the head down texting I see multiple times every day.  So I try to use common sense and give the cars a healthy dose of skepticism.  That doesn't prevent me from also keeping my eyes down on the ground in the hopes I find some money or any other interesting items of note.  Know what I see a lot of?  

Spent condoms.  In the strangest of places too.  At least I find them a bit curious.  Parking lots, sidewalks, train tracks, gutters.  I suppose I should be encouraged that people are practicing safe sex but at the same time, why can't they find a garbage can?  And another thing, are these hookers you think?  Guys getting on with a call girl in a parking lot and tossing out their Trojans before peeling away?  So many questions.  Every condom has a story.  I'd like to know them.

 
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