Quick update:
Our counter-counter offer on that house we were trying to buy was accepted. The purchase is contingent on the sale of our house, so now we have to get things spit-polished around here in the next two weeks. Given that we have (up to) five kids, two dogs, two cats, and a gila monster, this should go very smoothly.
Then we get to try like Hell to find a buyer who will allow us up to 2 months of extended occupancy after closing, since the new house will require at least that amount of time to get even the minimum renovations that are required completed. If we can't, we get to move into a rental house owned by my mother in law for a couple months.
I want to kill myself already and nothing has even gone wrong yet.